Getting home led to cooking as he put his thoughts to the side. He had plenty of ingredients now and plenty to test, so before the others came home he devoted himself to making all he could, with piles of food ending up in his rings to be taken out in the next days and weeks while the time passed by.
He made mental notes of what he liked and what he didn’t and since he had all of the time in the world decided he’d go back the next day to grab a few more of the ingredients that particularly charmed his palate. He’d need to see if there were any real standouts for Thera and Sonya as well but that was something he could figure out that night as he put together a tasting menu for them to enjoy for dinner, with the sound of the door opening telling him he wouldn’t need to wait long.
“Welcome back,” He called out as the both of them came in. “You guys worked together today?”
It took a second to notice that something was wrong as he focused on their faces, both of them looking complicated in a way that couldn’t help but worry him.
“What’s going on? What’s wrong?”
It was Sonya who answered, with Thera so against whatever needed to be said that she refused to give it voice.
“Ben, last night Anailia spoke to us both and-”
“Stop,” He cut her off, holding up his hand. “Don’t want to hear it. I’m taking a break from the gods, even the ones I like. Whatever they have to say, well, that can be someone else’s problem.”
“Ben, I really think-”
“Is someone dying?”
“Well, no.”
“Is the world suddenly going to end in the next week?”
“No, but-”
“He’s worried about you.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, I’m allowed time to myself and regardless of what so many up there think, the gods aren’t entitled to my attention.”
“But-”
“Going now,” He said as he ripped himself from his teacher’s grasp. “Enjoy the meal, we can all talk when it’s not going to be about anyone who’s ruling the planet.”
He rushed out without another word, feeling grateful at least that nobody followed him. Was it really so wrong to just want to get a break from it all? He just wanted to get his mind off the gods and the planet and whatever choice he was going to have to make sooner than later.
A choice that only felt harder the more he thought about it. He could abandon the world, he knew he had it in him, but it would hurt. Even if he didn’t know them, just walking through Stonewall he was seeing familiar faces and he knew that even if he really did run off and save thousands in the process, that would barely be anyone.
But wasn’t that better than the slim chance he had of saving everyone? A chance that only ever shrunk with each time the gods saw what he had and decided they wanted to use him for their own benefits?
...I don’t fucking know.
His feet stopped with the thought and heaving a sigh he turned around, going back home.
Everyone was still there by the time he arrived, talking in the living room, and while they started to get up when he got back he waved them down.
“You win, I’m going to talk to them.”
Thera was the only one who didn’t look relieved by that, feeling the brief bit of hope he’d given her that he’d stop putting himself in danger slip away but it wasn’t like he’d resolved to give in. He was just going to talk and that would either make his mood better or worse, he’d know once he was done suffering through it.
So going to bed, Ben laid down, closed his eyes, and forced his mind to his god’s realm, wanting to see for himself just why it was so important for them to talk to him that they couldn’t even give him a few days of peace.