Chapter 659 – Birthday Newman 15 – Deus Vult and Punch

Chapter 659 – Birthday Newman 15 – Deus Vult and Punch

To say that Eliza was gleefully stuffing her face with casserole and pudding would have been an understatement. The way she was grinning, shovelling things into her face, only taking pauses to rinse everything down with cola and laughing was nothing short of amazing.

By the time everyone else had eaten one portion, she had gone through seven, and ultimately Aclysia cooked up a second quick meal for her, then a third. At the end, John distracted her from completely emptying their fridge by carrying her to the couch, cuddling her and feeding her little pieces of chocolate. The entire time, she was giggling like a high school girl in love for the first time. A very crazy high school girl, but a high school girl regardless.

Her reactions were so absolutely adorable that Rave and Aclysia soon joined in feeding her chocolate. This made Sylph envious, so John soon had two cute, short girls in his lap, which got fed chocolate as long as they kept giggling and fidgeting.

The rest of the harem soon found themselves involved in idle talk. A movie was put on in the background. Something out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nobody really paid attention. Halfway through the movie, Rave realized this and put on some music instead. That bass hammered through the room as she drove it all the way up. Then, when people started complaining, she put it back down to loud and then sensible levels. Handling of the laptop that controlled the large flat screen was handed to Lydia, for security reasons.

“Ya don’t need to be such party poopers!” Rave complained afterwards.

“I happen to like having functional ears,” John retorted, then pointed at the floor. “Also, that.” Sunken into a hill of goo, Undine continued to quiver as she recovered from the fit of laughter she had just gone through. It turned out that, to tickle a slime girl, the second-best way was to subject her to heavy bass at an absurd volume for several seconds. Having her whole body vibrate was, apparently, quite tickling.

The actual best was, of course, fizzy tablets, but Undine had asked not to be subjected to those without warning. A fair request, people didn’t like being subjected to surprise tickle attacks that lasted for several minutes without any way to stop them, usually. Such a shame, given how hard it was to hear her beautiful laughter otherwise.

‘I should give Undine some sort of appreciation day soon...’ John thought, then realized that he had the same urge for all the girls. ‘Ah, big harem problems, I want to have a day alone with each of the girls, but that would be like two weeks gone... I’ll find the time though. Maybe if I scatter it across several weekends?’

“Aclysia, can ya bring me something to drink?” Rave asked, pulling him out of his thoughts. “Like, a beer or something like that?”

“I have none currently in the fridge,” Aclysia remarked, although that was only a minor setback. “I can set out to the storage area, if you desire.”

The storage area was about 90% of Aclysia’s own segment of the Palace. While John had given each and every one of the girls their own apartment, most of them were, by now, too heavily modified to be called living spaces anymore. Aclysia’s apartment was basically a kitchen and a table, in case she had guests, attached to several rooms in which she hoarded cleaning utensils, food, drink and other household or luxury articles. Over time, she had gotten John to put cooling chambers in there. Then a smoking room. Then... well, there was a lot there now.

Almost everything a man could want to eat, Aclysia had stocked up in some fashion. Every item was bought with her monthly pay that John gave the weaponized maid. As that was quite a bit of money and Aclysia was very careful about balancing his diet, only the best things were kept there. As she usually finalized her cooking plan a week in advance, she moved over everything to John’s fridge during Sunday nights.

And, of course, she had a chamber full of alcoholic beverages, should the need arise. “The only thing I have stocked up in this kitchen is vodka and orange juice,” the weaponized maid specified further. Not the biggest surprise, those two things combined into John’s favourite drink. “Would that drink satisfy you, or do you crave a cold beer specifically?”

Rave put her hands together in a praying motion and asked, with a sweet smile, “I’d really like a beer, if it’s not too much trouble.”

“I will oblige,” Aclysia said, rising from the couch. “As I am already making the trip – does anybody else require something in the way of beverages?” There were several people raising their hand and orders were made. Before Aclysia could leave, John tapped Sylph and Eliza on the shoulders. Reluctantly, they got off. Well, Sylph just began to rise like a balloon, Eliza actually got off.

“I am going to tag along, just in case you need the extra inventory space,” he said as he got up. It was very unlikely to be needed. Before Aclysia could make the decision whether she wanted to insist he relaxed or just take the opportunity to be alone with him for a few minutes, he just led the way. Mainly, he wanted to stretch his legs a little bit. Behind him, Eliza began cussing wildly at Salamander, the two of them getting into a verbal playfight.

“Maybe you should actually grow out your hair, you skinhead incineration chamber slut!” That was the last he heard before the door closed and reduced every sound to nothing.

John was about to say something to Aclysia when his eyes noticed something odd. It was a flare in the air, the shimmering outline, leaning against the wall opposite from him. It was only on the Abyssal Layer of his sight. He narrowed his eyes, and the shimmering turned into a tabard and a set of crusader armour, as Observe peeled away at what True Sight 9 had already spotted. Aclysia was left confused, until she inspected his thoughts. Because she was only informed of the figure from his sight, she also knew there was no reason to take any defensive measures.

“Hey, Konrad,” John said raising his hand in a nonchalant salute. “Deus Vult.”

“DEUS VULT!” he shouted back.

“DEUS VULT?” another voice screamed, a second knight peeking around one of the heavily decorated corners. Now that John had peered through the first illusion, others of the same kind were dismantled in less than a second.

There was, however, another thing he was quite angry about, regarding the vacationing king of Austria.

“So, I should just get his haircut?” Maximillian asked, nodding towards the owner of the Palace.

“It’s not a bad style!” John insisted, now running a hand through his own, lighter brown hair. It was a few steps above a buzzcut, long enough to part around his fingers and just barely enough to grab, but not enough to reliable hold. It hadn’t grown in months, thanks to the same magical shampoo that kept his body hair from growing.

“...I wouldn’t go quite that short, I like to have something that my stylists can work with,” Maximillian said, then grabbed a strand of his hair. “But point taken, I guess I am getting rid of this. Anyway,” he took the beer John offered him, only to put it in the air next to him, still closed. It proceeded to gently fall to the table, its gravity diminished to non-harming acceleration. “A bit late in the conversation, but happy birthday, buddy.”

“Thanks,” John leaned against the dinner table. Maximillian still hadn’t sat down, so they were talking with the couch in between them. That was, until he slowly stepped around and towards the Gamer. “I was actually surprised you hadn’t dropped me a text yet. Somewhat assumed you had forgotten.”

“I wish I had forgotten,” Maximillian joked, but actually looked rather nervous. “See, I resolved to give you a very simple and personal gift... you get to punch me in the face.”

John had to think about those words. “You sure?” When he finally had resolved that he heard correctly, he wanted to double check. Maximillian nodded, so John pushed himself off the table. “You know I am not holding back?”

“See, when I originally resolved to make that gift, I hadn’t realized that you would get taller and broader,” Maximillian continued to joke, but it was quite clear now that he knew this was going to hurt. “Just try to remember I didn’t know she was your mother, okay?”

“Well, when you did find out, it didn’t stop you,” John answered, equally non-serious in his tone, but rolling his right shoulder to warm it up.

Maximillian giggled. “The damage was already done, so I was like ‘might as well enjoy it’.”

“Not like this is going to stop you in the future, is it?” John wondered, letting that little bit of anger he had bubble up. It was still a mere echo of the initial seething hot rage he had felt, but it was going to be quite satisfying.

“Hey, your mother is an attractive lady and she has been calling me. Who am I to refuse the invi-“ The king didn’t get to finish that sentence, as John swung at his (at that moment) annoyingly handsome face. The king had chosen his standing position wisely. Not a single piece of furniture was between him and his way to the floor. He just slammed down and groaned in pain. Not too long though, as John immediately called Undine over.

“Whew,” he made a satisfied noise, looking at his motherfucker of a friend rolling his jaw. “We can make a deal that you have to gift me this every year, whenever you did as much as mention that you’re still sleeping with my mom.”

“I tshink nexsht yeahr might kill me,” Maximillian responded, something quite clearly swelling rapidly.

“Was that actually necessary?” Lydia asked from the background, as Undine arrived on the scene and applied the green-tinted heeling slime to the bruised cheek. “All you did was temporarily hurt him for something that your mother already scolded you for that you shouldn’t be mad at.”

“Look, this wasn’t about logic,” John retorted, grabbing a beer for himself now. His mood was even better now than before, and he hadn’t even known that was possible. At the trip back to the couch, he helped the healed Maximillian up and they sat down together. “This was all about a friend punching a friend in the face.”

“You are correct, that does not sound logical at all,” Lydia stated, raising an eyebrow.

“I get it,” Rave stated.

“This is why I like men more than women,” Metra added, putting her feet on the table. Until Aclysia gave her the death glare and she put them back down. “Way easier in the way they handle their problems. Just punch each other. Gilgamesh did the same with Enkidu. They punched each other until they became friends... or so I have heard, that was even before my time.”

“Well, violence does solve some problems,” John said.

Then he, Maximillian and everyone else toasted.