Chapter 793 – Tournament of Oddities Finale – The judgement of John Newman by crazy people

Chapter 793 – Tournament of Oddities Finale – The judgement of John Newman by crazy people

“So, how do we do this? Chronologically?” Wendy asked the dark-haired pariah, who wandered back to her seat and slowly shrugged. That they hadn’t bothered to finish the format beyond the rules left John cold. Any frustration he may have still had was overpowered by Sylph humming a surprisingly intricate tune. She must have utilized her abilities to help her in the endeavour. Vocal cords weren’t well known for being able to hold two notes at the same time.

He eventually recognized parts of the song. It was what the fairy on the boat ride from Europe had played. Together, they had danced on a ring of ice to it. All around pretty lights and festive cheer. ‘I wonder if I could arrange for something like that,’ the Gamer thought. ‘Maybe I should ask Methenia or the bee-fairies on Servitude Island.’

“Alright, chronologically,” Wendy made the call. “The first contest was the baking. What are your comments on that?”

“I wanted pie, I got pie,” Vita answered, and for a few seconds silence hung in the room. Just when Jeff was about to probe her for more information, the blank continued, “We got to see three pretty basic attributes of him. One, that he is not surprised easily – evident by the way he handled the revelation of things being streamed. Two, that he doesn’t let easily spotted wrongs stand – evident by him demanding the jury be changed to not have you on it, Wendy.” The redhead nodded, as if that had always been the plan. Which John heavily doubted. “Three, that he knows to delegate tasks to who is appropriate. Although, I think, putting your housemaid forward for a baking contest is common sense.”

“Wow,” John interjected in a dry tone. “Didn’t think I would ever hear you use the words common sense. Thought that was a foreign concept to you.”

“About as much as shutting up is to you,” Wendy took a shot at him, in defence of her guildmate. “Anyway, yeah, that’s all pretty fair. Also, while not about him, his girlfriend took the role of unbiased judge pretty seriously.”

“Ya can use my behaviour to reflect on him,” Rave stated and pointed with her head at her man. “We’re an item, after all. Like two puzzle pieces. Or a knitted sweater. Or something else, dunno, I’m not that great at metaphors. What?”

Her question came in regards to John, who just made a really sour face. “I don’t know if I want it to be sanctioned that your behaviour reflects on me. People are going to accuse me of being way too good looking, charismatic and giving great blowjobs, and I don’t know if I want that.”

“So, first,” she raised the index finger of her left hand, “ya look good too, so they can’t accuse you of that because of me, ya formerly plain Brainiac. Two,” she raised the pinkie of the same hand, “nobody will ever say that about ya, because ya keep dicking them over with your nerd brain. C,” she poked him in the side, “the only person anybody could hear from that I give great blowjobs is you anyway!”

“Ehhh,” John made a doubting sound. “There are our porn videos, I think my face in those makes a pretty clear case.”

“Fair point.”

“We remind everyone that this is an adult program,” Vita suddenly stated, giving Wendy an opening to continue.

“For what happened during the baking, well, you stood aside and let Aclysia do. I guess that shows when you know not to interfere. You also watched pretty attentively. Pretty sure that was only to check our tits out though.”

“Asses,” John corrected.

“Huh?” Wendy asked.

“I’m an ass man, and while you both do have nice tits, that’s not where my eyes go to when I watch beautiful women,” John told her and quickly listed things. “Face, ass, thighs, tits, hair, that’s usually the order I look at girls.”

“I thought you were an ass man, why is the face on top of that?” Wendy asked with a perplexed expression contorting her freckled features.

“Look, you can get away with having a subpar body if you have a really attractive face and vice versa, but I would bet every man is attracted to faces first,” he told her. “If you have the body of a goddess but a face that looks like a craggy rock formation, you will struggle to get a boner from me. Which, for anyone out there feeling attacked by this,” he looked at the camera, “if you managed to get one guy interested in you in your life, you are not that ugly, okay? If you are that ugly... well, nature can be cruel sometimes and I’m an honest man.” He shrugged, having nothing more to say.

“Riiiiight,” Wendy stretched that word with extensive vocal fry. “Anyway, I guess there is also the fact that you were pretty careful in what you bet in that first contest. You took WAY too much time to think about it, but what you came up with was pretty decent. All around I will give you...” she hesitated and John smiled. She was obviously considering not only the actual number, but also the fact that she wanted John to win. “...five points.”

“Same,” Vita just pulled along and reached under the table. When she pulled her hand back up, it was full of seeds. “Come here, Fred,” she said in that cute tone that people used when addressing pets or small children. “Come and let me touch your fluffy feathers.” It took a few seconds for the chicken to notice things, but then she came over.

“THE FULL TEN POINTS IN THE FIRST ROUND!” Jeff suddenly shouted, startling the chicken, and then had a lightless, black knife on his throat. Without a second’s hesitation, Vita had teleported over. “S-sorry,” the announcer said, a whole lot quieter.

“You better be.” Vita swayed her weapon up and down in front of his throat. Her tone wasn’t threatening or even mocking. It was simply factual and even a bit sweet. “If you startle Fred again, I will shave your soul out of your arm.” She smiled her empty smile. “You would be able to cast again after three days, I would guess.”

“I’ll remember that,” Jeff promised, looking down at the blade.

“You are so very mortal,” Vita whispered, before backing off. “Tell us what the second bet was.”

“Ah yes, the second bet, John Newman had to receive a vision.” The announcer swallowed his fear and continued in a professional tone. Which was really odd to hear the goofy caster use. Pleasant, but odd regardless. “Due to the nature of the event, we will hold the details of what happened off-camera confidential.”

“Due to the nature of the event?” Wendy blew air out of her nose. “How about the part where I promised I would become a sex slave if we don’t?”

“Ya want that though,” Rave chimed in with a grin. “Don’tcha lie, we all know what happened in the next test.”

“One thing after another,” Vita purred in a greatly pleased tone. The biggest reason for which was the chicken sitting in front of her. “The purpose of the vision test was to see if you even had the potential to have them. We wanted to know if you are as multi-facetted in your magical talents as it is said.”

“I have a question, before I present my answer and... if it’s... not a... not a good one then I will... have to give you... 4... points...” There was honest torment in her voice, as if she developed a massively sore throat throughout that sentence. “Why, of all things, did you not check if the door was locked?”

“I have more than enough ways to open doors. Once I was sure there were no magical traps around and I had confirmed that it was only a lightly reinforced door, it honestly slipped my mind,” he answered truthfully. Aside from blowing the lock out, he could have also Possessed the door to make it open itself or set either Siena or Undine onto it to open it. Siena had the skills and Undine was a living liquid, as long as it was a plain physical lock, they would be able to crack it open. There was also the final option of just kicking the entire thing down. “It was such a low-tier issue that even my paranoia didn’t go there.”

“Ah, well, that is good, on one hand, shows that it doesn’t make you overthink things to a senseless degree,” Vita stated. “On the other, it was still a basic detail you missed... regardless, I am happy enough to give you the five stars.”

“That makes for fifty out of seventy and, for the final test, you had to go to church and make a confession... what do the ladies say about that.”

“We’re still alive,” Vita responded. “Five points for smart battlefield tactics.”

“I still have no idea why I was in there...” grumbled the redhead two chairs away. “But yeah, five points.”

Jeff looked back and forth between the two. “Battlefield tactics? Alive? I thought you went to a mundane church?”

“You would have needed to be there,” the pariah responded first.

Wendy shivered. “Those crosses are burned into my memory...”

“I will never look at feathers the same way,” John added, his tone closer to a corpse than a man. He was acting it up for the camera, because it would be funny to have the entire world guessing what the hell happened at that church.

“Alright then, that makes sixty out of seventy, leaving only the final judgement. How did you think John Newman behaved over the course of these challenges?”

Wendy went first. “While he did confirm his often-mentioned pride problems and his absolutely unquestionable status as a pervert, he also managed to show me that he will think A TON about anything that he has the time for. He is also determined, smart, wise, and a better lay than any other man I had the pleasure with. So yeah, five out of five.”

“Capable, direct, somewhat easy to anger, attractive, charismatic, a very large man I’m happy to follow for the time being,” Vita gave her own thought. “Five points.”

“John Newman, you have proven yourself to Florida,” Fred, the Cosmic Chicken, declared, her eyes glowing gold as she slowly rose from the table, engulfed in a ring of multi-coloured light. She had the voice of a benevolent, just goddess. “You have withstood the tests and lived in the tower of Paradise like one of us. You were happy to act however you wanted, but never bothered anyone. Your character is flawed, yes, and you might be your own brand of crazy, but you do not harm people and your qualities far outweigh your vices. Ten points.”

“I FUCKING KNEW THAT COULDN’T BE A NORMAL CHICKEN!” John shouted and slammed his hand on the table. The light suddenly vanished, Fred was back on the table and pecking away at seeds.

“Tiger, why ya shouting suddenly?” Rave wanted to know.

“Did you not see that?” John wanted to know.

“See what?”

“Fred becoming all cosmic and... stuff...?” he looked around the table. That Wendy, Jeff and Vita looked confused could have been part of some ploy, but Rave, Aclysia, Beatrice and even Sylph looking at him with straight bamboozled expressions had him feel like a proper crazy person. ‘No, no, I have enough trust in my mental faculties that this definitely just happened,’ he told himself and looked at Fred, ‘What are you? Some sort of goddess of illusions?’

He imagined she winked at him, but he had to clench his jaws and just take it. This would, possibly, already look like he was insane to the viewers at home. Whenever he was back home, he would give the video a second look. Sadly enough, Jack’s eyes had been distracted with aiming his dick at Scarlett’s back entrance at that moment.

“So... ehm... unless somebody wants to detract points for that...?” Jeff waited so long it sounded like an honest suggestion. “The Gamer wins with eighty out of seventy points.” Everyone nodded, the Gamer narrowed his eyes.

“Why did you just say eighty?” John wanted to know. “I bet on seventy and that’s the maximum achievable.”

“Oh... a slip of my tongue, I would say,” Jeff answered.

‘Are you in on this or did your mind get messed with?’ the Gamer thought, then sighed mentally. ‘This is not good for my paranoia issues.’ “Regardless,” he changed the topic to make himself look reasonable, “if this is my victory, then the final condition is as suggested by me. As leader of Fusion, I swear that the conditions will be implemented as is. You are hereby invited to join the Federation of Fusion.”

A window popped up in front of the chicken. This was actually in keeping with what John had expected. Cosmic or normal hen, Fred was the guild leader. As per mechanics, the window would appear in front of her. That the chicken hit the right button with a curious peck the first time was a lot fishier.

“Such a smart bird,” Vita stated and produced some more seeds from under the table. “Good Janett.”



‘I want to get out of this state,’ was one of the two thoughts when the Gamer saw that Achievement. The other, a lot stronger and immediate, echoed with the impatience of someone who had waited far too long. ‘I want to see Nia.’