CH 263

Xing Conglian felt as if cold water had been poured over his head.

Lin Chen’s deep black eyes held no tears, appearing calm and hopeless, devoid of vitality.

Xing Conglian’s mind went blank for a moment, and it took a while for his rationality to return, but the sense of panic still lingered.

However, he was well aware that if he lost control now, Lin Chen would have no one to rely on.

Therefore, he slowly sat up and pulled Lin Chen up as well. They sat cross-legged facing each other on the empty bed board, with an arm’s length between them, like adults who had no romantic relationship, engaging in conversation.

Xing Conglian took a deep breath and spoke seriously, “Setting aside our romantic relationship, Consultant Lin, you must understand that I am your superior.”

“I understand.” Lin Chen tried to gather his strength, but Xing Conglian knew that his current state was very strained.

“At such a critical juncture, I must have a clear understanding of your mental condition to determine if you can continue in your position.”

Lin Chen nodded. Sitting cross-legged, he exposed a pale ankle in the sunlight. “I understand, Captain Xing.”

“Therefore, based on my trust in your professional abilities, I now, in my capacity as your superior, request that you perform a self-diagnosis of your mental state.”

Lin Chen had already guessed that he would make such a request. He slowly turned around, picked up the phone from the bedside table again, and opened another page before handing it over.

Xing Conglian glanced at Lin Chen, then lowered his head and slowly scrolled through the page’s information.

Beck Depression Inventory* (BDI-21)

*Created by Aaron T. Beck, is a 21-question multiple-choice self-report inventory, one of the most widely used psychometric tests for measuring the severity of depression. Its development marked a shift among mental health professionals, who had until then, viewed depression from a psychodynamic perspective, instead of it being rooted in the patient’s own thoughts.

Test Instructions:

Please carefully read each item and select the appropriate response based on your actual situation (in the past week, including today) from the four options provided after each question…

Question:

……

As Xing Conglian followed the selections made by Lin Chen, he continuously scrolled down the page. Each line of options brought him closer to understanding Lin Chen’s true mental state.

By the end, he didn’t even need to look at the score to understand why Lin Chen had laid such a long foundation earlier.

Item 1

Factor Name: Total Score

Factor Score: 41.00*

*Clarity: A score of 41 means severe depression (which is within the worse range 30-63).

He put down the phone, and when he looked up, Lin Chen’s mind seemed to be wandering, lost in thought.

“41 points. According to the standard in our country, I should go see a psychologist. But luckily, I am one myself,” Lin Chen said. “But it doesn’t mean that I have depression. I just assessed my short-term state.”

Xing Conglian pondered for a moment and calmly asked, “So, how long will this condition last? Do you need medication, and to what extent will it affect your work?”

“As soon as I woke up, I felt this abnormality, and this state of mental depression has been worsening over time.” Lin Chen maintained a sharp and professional posture, but his tone was slow. “Just before you came in, the instant I found my phone, I suddenly wondered why I was doing all this. We cannot achieve victory. I felt an overwhelming darkness in life, and everything became meaningless.” He paused for a long while before continuing, “So, I stopped and found the SDS scale, and I did a self-assessment. The results weren’t good.” Lin Chen finished speaking and looked up at Xing Conglian. “You should also sense that I have signs of psychomotor retardation. And when we were lying on this bed just now, I had a strong desire to continue lying there, doing nothing, until death.”

Lin Chen spoke with utmost seriousness, as if reporting his work to a superior, but it was more like the most brutal self-analysis. “I feel very down and depressed right now. I desperately want to experience the joy that normal people feel and make life full of hope, so I want to go find Shen Lian.”

“I disagree,” Xing Conglian replied. He paused and continued, “I won’t agree to you seeking help from Shen Lian for the purpose of obtaining relief through medication. Similarly, if you were to go to Xiao Zhan to obtain TERN isomers, I would stop you as well.”

Lin Chen suddenly looked up, and Xing Conglian watched as his lover became visibly choked up. This was not the emotional response that Lin Chen would have under normal circumstances.

But then, Lin Chen forcefully composed his emotions. If the concept of a soul truly existed, the part belonging to Lin Chen himself would undoubtedly be incredibly resilient and persistent.

Lin Chen said, “Thank you, but you also know very well, Captain Xing, that you don’t have any other choice. I have to go find Shen Lian, although not right now.”

Xing Conglian said, “All of this is based on the premise that you still have the ability to continue.”

“I have two reasons to prove that I can and should continue,” Lin Chen said clearly and precisely. “First, this is the normal acute withdrawal symptom during the detoxification phase. Xiao Wu experienced a period of time after stopping the medication and has already made a significant recovery. This case proves that I should also have the ability to overcome the effects of the medication. Second, if I stop working now and wait for research to progress to alleviate the physiological condition, then it might truly be too late.”

Lin Chen presented his arguments in a formal report-like manner, and Xing Conglian watched him, longing to pull him close and hold him tightly in his arms. But he also understood that Lin Chen didn’t need that kind of sympathy.

Therefore, he maintained his professional attitude and asked, “On the second point, why will it be too late?”

“During our conversation just now, I suddenly realized that the person orchestrating this grand situation, I think, I might know them.” Lin Chen’s voice sounded buzzing and somewhat low. “I need to go to the library, translate that message, and verify this.”

After saying those words, Lin Chen bowed down, as if he had used up all his strength.

Xing Conglian felt Lin Chen’s forehead against his shoulder, and he lowered his head to see Lin Chen’s black hair. He then opened his palm and firmly held the back of Lin Chen’s head, embracing him tightly.

He kissed the top of Lin Chen’s head, abandoning all sense of responsibility as a superior.

“Thank you, Xing Conglian,” Lin Chen said.

……

Lin Chen was always at the world’s leading level when it came to persuading people.

After the conversation, Lin Chen seemed to have regained some composure, but Xing Conglian was certain that it was a facade to reassure Wang Chao when they walked out of the door.

The Hongjing Library was very close to their home, about a ten-minute walk away.

Although time was tight now and using a computer for literature retrieval would be faster, since Lin Chen wanted to go to the library, Xing Conglian was more than happy to accompany him for a walk outside.

For a total score of 41, it was recommended Lin Chen should confide in someone or vent appropriately when feeling depressed, make an effort to recall past happy experiences, and engage in activities that bring joy. It was also advised to set goals and make plans for one’s life and work. It was recommended to seek professional psychological counseling and treatment as soon as possible.

Xing Conglian recited the advice he had just read once again, and when he looked up, Lin Chen had already walked ahead of him.

At noon, there weren’t many elderly people strolling in the alley, and the shop owners either gathered together for lunch or dozed off at their counters.

Xing Conglian quickened his pace, wanting to catch up and walk side by side with Lin Chen.

Just then, an old man from a nearby souvenir shop came out to bid farewell to a customer. Lin Chen took a quick step forward, deliberately keeping a less intimate distance from him.

Xing Conglian narrowed his eyes, recalling many similar situations in his mind. They had walked this road together many times, but it was the first time he noticed this kind of detail about Lin Chen.

Taking advantage of the moment when Lin Chen nodded and greeted the old man, he brushed against Lin Chen’s side, took his hand, and held it tightly.

Lin Chen’s body visibly tensed, but the old man seemed to have not noticed the scene and turned back into the shop.

“Consultant Lin, how come I didn’t notice when you were pursuing me? Your attitude towards same-sex relationships is unexpectedly conservative.” Of course, he was referring to the moment when Lin Chen pushed him against the wall and kissed him forcefully. Thinking of this, he couldn’t help but click his tongue.

Lin Chen didn’t pull his hand away but instead held it back and simply said, “Society’s acceptance hasn’t reached a level where everyone takes it for granted. There’s no need to deliberately challenge anything…”

“Consultant Lin, if it were still a feudal society, all of these people would be tenants. Have you ever seen a feudal novel where the landlord considers the feelings of the tenants?” Xing Conglian held Lin Chen’s hand. His skin was delicate, and his knuckles were well-proportioned. Xing Conglian held it with great satisfaction, to the point where his tone became natural.

When he said this, Lin Chen finally turned his head and glanced at him.

“I didn’t hide it from you. I told you the first time I took you home,” Xing Conglian interjected, “Where else can you find an honest man like me?”

Hearing this, a helpless expression finally appeared on Lin Chen’s face. However, he didn’t refute him with words, which greatly satisfied Xing Conglian’s vanity.

They had walked this path together many times, with gentle sunlight and the late summer river presenting a lush green color of aquatic plants, creating a sense of tranquility.

When he initially chose to live here, it was because the area was peaceful and had a high level of sophistication, making it suitable as a quiet residence for retirement. However, now the words “retirement” had become a dreadful curse.

Xing Conglian had considered more than once that when Consultant Lin and he pooled their money to buy a new house and pay the down payment, they should first consider things like feng shui. And it would be better to buy a commercial property with only two rooms—a master bedroom and a study—because if there were more rooms, Wang Chao would want to move in too…

But as these thoughts wandered in his mind, they were dispersed by the breeze. Their palms pressed together, and the warmth grew.

Xing Conglian glanced to his side, with Lin Chen walking on his right. His footsteps were light, and his figure was slender yet powerful. His profile was particularly handsome, with his hair growing slightly longer since he hadn’t had time to trim it, covering his ears a bit but still revealing their contours, making people itch to pinch them.

Being the proactive type he was, Xing Conglian immediately raised his other hand and gently brushed away Lin Chen’s dark hair, lightly touching his ears.

Lin Chen immediately turned around; a look of astonishment flashed in his eyes, but he didn’t resist, just appearing somewhat bewildered.

In any case, he looked incredibly adorable.

No pedestrians passed by around them. Xing Conglian took a step back, leaning against a willow tree by the water. He pulled Lin Chen closer, cradling the back of his head, and lowered his head to lick Lin Chen’s lips, feeling a slight dryness, yet they were incredibly soft.

Lin Chen still had his eyes open, looking up at him. The sunlight seeped through the gaps in the leaves, and perhaps because of this, Lin Chen’s previously slightly stern features softened.

Xing Conglian carefully traced the contours of Lin Chen’s face, then lowered his head again and kissed him.

Their teeth touched gently, their mouths warm and sweet, like a dream.

As the breeze blew, Lin Chen closed his eyes and finally embraced him.

Kinky Thoughts:

Generally speaking, even if one is a professional psychologist, they really shouldn’t treat themselves. While as experts they can identify their illness and issues, they have their own biases of themselves, which could affect treatment. There are things (such as the test Lin Chen did) that can help bring some clarity and give them some objectiveness, but it’s still best to see another professional to treat oneself.

Though, many don’t as they fear the stigma (ironically).