Volume 2 - CH 4.2

“I thought you have changed, Hina. But I suppose you’ve always stayed the same in this aspect.” 

As I reminisced how she folded a thousand paper cranes on her own, I pointed this out a little teasingly.

“Same with you, Yamato. You’ve never changed when it comes to this, have you? The line you said during the play, I also heard that when we first met.”

“…Was it? I never really grew up as well, I guess.”

The same was true for today’s play. Despite my unwillingness, I found myself taking on the troublesome task. Even if I thought I had changed, it seemed that humans weren’t that easy to change. 

“Anyway, those times were fun, right?” Hina muttered as she kept on working. 

“Yeah,” I replied without looking at Hina as I worked. 

“It was really fun… Yet, why did it end?”

Silence.

As I was coming to a realisation, Hina had stopped moving her hand and was looking at me. I, too, turned to face her. 

“Yamato. Let me ask you for real this time. Why? Why did you distance yourself from me?”

The question that really should have been brought up a year ago was finally asked. For a moment, I dithered. I felt like whatever I said would become mere excuses, and I was also figuring out how I should say it to not hurt her.  

I swallowed these struggles and decided to confront Hina.

“…I’ll be honest, I was in a lot of pain back then.”

“In pain? From what?” 

Hina was perplexed, so I slowly revealed my feelings to her.

“Being with people, you know. Like when I had to make a friendly remark about something I wasn’t interested in, or laugh when I wasn’t even enjoying it, or take on the hassle for someone else; I actually hated all of that. Every time I did it over and over again, I felt like I was living a lie.” 

What was painful for me must have been a treasured time for Hina. I didn’t want to trample on her feelings, so I never mentioned anything up to this point. 

Nonetheless, if it was Hina, I was sure she would accept me. I could believe that at this moment.

“When I was with everyone, I felt suffocated, like I was being strangled by a silk cord. But I felt like those feelings were something I should never admit.”

I kept telling myself that it was wrong to feel such emotions in the company of valued friends and companions, that I shouldn’t ever think that as a human. Hence, it felt even more suffocating, and I couldn’t talk to anyone about such treacherous feelings… No matter who I was with, no, whenever I was with anybody, I felt terrible loneliness. 

“However, regardless of whether I admitted those feelings or not, they were definitely there. When I retired from club activities, the strain was broken along with the sense of responsibility I had. Then I couldn’t resist those feelings anymore.”

That was the reason why the relationship between Hina and I ended.

How insincere. I led her out from her lonesome world at my whims, got close to her at my whims, and then pushed her away at my whims. 

“In the end, I enjoyed it the most when we were folding the thousand paper cranes together. That was more than enough for me.”

There was no need to make more friends than necessary. That was not the important thing, but I didn’t realise it at the time until I eventually broke down. 

“Crazy, isn’t it? I was the one who brought you into the circle of people, yet… I was the one who ended our time together, but in the end, I ran away when it became too painful for me.”

Looking back at those times, I was really a stupid guy.

“Why…didn’t you tell me this back then?” Hina slowly wrung out the words as if she was trying to hold back a slew of emotions. 

“Because I thought you were my best friend,” I said, looking straight at Hina and continued, “if I told you, you’d come to my side again, wouldn’t you? I knew you would even though you wanted to be in that circle of people, but you’d hold back because of me.”  

“That’s…” Hina stammered. She must’ve thought that she couldn’t deny it.  

“I didn’t want that. It was better if I could suck it up till the end, but I no longer could… Or should I say, I didn’t want you to return to how you used to be?”

—Therefore, I distanced myself.

Cinderella was already on her way to the ball. There was no need for the fairy godmother. So our story ended there. 

“Is that so… Oh, I see.” Hina nodded repeatedly as if she was digesting what I said. 

“I’m sorry.”

As I forced out an apology, I felt as if one of the thorns that had been stuck in my chest had been removed.

“No, it’s me who should apologise. Yamato was suffering and I didn’t notice it at all. I considered you my best friend, and although you’ve always helped me, I couldn’t help you when you needed it… I wish I had had a proper fight with you at that time.” Hina exhaled deeply, as if in remorse.  

“Nevertheless, I can finally let this out. We didn’t get to fight, but I eventually got out what I wanted to say. It kind of made me feel a bit better,” I replied.

Then she smiled somewhat radiantly. “Definitely, I feel like a lot of things are over.” 

“Yeah, you’re right.” I smiled along. 

I was ultimately able to bring our unending friendship period to a close.

“So, Yamato, now what’s gonna become of us? Strangers? Or are we friends?” Hina’s eyes were slightly misty with a hint of anticipation. 

Suddenly, what I felt during the performance reoccurred to me once more.

—Maybe this is the chance for us to start over. 

The chance to come to terms with everything, rejoin hands and become best friends once more. The current me and Hina would surely make it work. Parts of us had changed; and other parts had stayed the same. This was the opportunity to rebuild our relationship and the place where we belong once again from scratch.   

Before that, I…