CH 29

Before, Xu Juan couldn’t understand: How did it feel like to have his head muddled by love?

Now, he understood. 

When he grabbed onto Pei Yu’s hand and, under the stares of everyone present, ran out of the hotel through the front entrance, he thought he had gone mad.

……Well, maybe the term gone mad was too distasteful. From a more whimsical perspective, he would be more like a young sixteen-year-old girl in high school; He feared nothing across the heavens and the earth, thought nothing of the consequences, and rushed out at the slightest impulse.

This was all Pei Yu’s fault.

Whenever he thought he was already clear of Pei Yu’s charms, Pei Yu would show him through his actions: He could be even more alluring. 

Xu Juan was charmed into a daze.

To the point where, at that moment, he had forgotten everything. His legs wouldn’t listen to his own orders, and as if he were in a trance, he allowed Pei Yu to lead him away by the hand——

“Where are we going?” Xu Juan had finally calmed down somewhat. There was cream on the sleeve of his blazer, which was a little comical to look at.

Pei Yu looked even more dazed than him; Disregarding the people coming and going all over the city center, Pei Yu held him and, in broad daylight, gave him a fierce kiss. But Pei Yu didn’t say anything, he had probably forgotten how to speak Mandarin.

Xu Juan couldn’t help laughing: “Pei laoshi, we’re really dumb.”

“Are we?” Pei Yu laughed too, wanting to kiss him again after.

They stood there on the side of the road, kissing deeply. Xu Juan felt like he was having a mental breakdown, reaffirming that: Yes, he was dizzy. It’s true. His mind was a blank, white slate.

“Ah, what do we do? You’ve infected me.” Xu Juan said, “Now I can’t even differentiate north, south, east, and west. Where are you taking me?” 

“Home.”

Pei Yu reached out and flagged a taxi. It was only after they had gotten on and the driver had gone past two streets that Xu Juan processed the entire situation: “My car is still at the hotel, why are we taking a taxi?”

Pei Yu ignored him, he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything. It was as if he had been poisoned. Without warning, he tugged Xu Juan into his arms, and while holding him, kissed him again.

The driver saw this scene through the rearview mirror and revealed a face full of shock, but didn’t make a sound. 

Xu Juan was a little embarrassed —— He hadn’t expected that he would be the embarrassed one. However, this didn’t mean that Pei Yu had suddenly become open-minded, he was merely driven by adrenaline.

“I didn’t expect you to come.” Xu Juan displayed some rare uncertainty. He pursed his lips, saying softly, “Earlier, I was thinking of a birthday wish. Before I thought of one, you suddenly rushed in. I thought…… I thought we had already broken up, that you were angry and didn’t want to make up with me anymore.”

He gripped onto Pei Yu’s hand: “I didn’t think I would follow you out, either. It was too unexpected. Maybe I don’t know myself very well.”

“Was it very unexpected?” Pei Yu blinked, regarding him with some confusion, “Isn’t it because you love me?” 

“……”

Was it? Was this considered love?

Xu Juan didn’t dare to confirm it, but if this dizzying feeling right now was love, he thought, he didn’t dislike it.

“Perhaps, it is.” Xu Juan didn’t indulge Pei Yu with complete certainty in his tone, as he had done in the past. He looked down, and in a rare moment of vulnerability, showed his own confusion. 

But Pei Yu wasn’t discontent. He held Xu Juan’s hand tightly, suppressing Xu Juan’s faint trembling.

“What’s the matter?” Although Pei Yu didn’t know what he was thinking, he could acutely sense the other’s turbulent emotions.

Xu Juan shook his head and suddenly said: “I’ve thought of what I want my birthday wish to be.”

Pei Yu was curious: “What is it?” 

Xu Juan gave a smile: “I hope that no matter what happens in the future, Pei Yu can always be happy. This is my birthday wish today.”

“Okay.” Pei Yu hugged him, “Then I can only implore Xu Juan to always be happy too, or else I can’t bring myself to be happy.”

“You’re such an idiot.”

Xu Juan’s feelings were very complex. He thought, he really shouldn’t set his life in stone too early. There were still so many days ahead, who would be able to see just how their life would go, all the way to the end? He had no idea what would happen tomorrow. Just like how he had no idea, that the year he turned twenty six, he would meet someone called Pei Yu who could drive him into madness. 

The two of them had acted out an entire idol drama in the backseat, throwing “I love you”s around the whole ride. When they got out of the car, the driver’s expression was very complicated. It was then, in hindsight, that Pei Yu finally began to feel embarrassed.

“Thank you.” Pei Yu took the initiative to pay the taxi fare, waving goodbye to the driver.

This driver da-ge was probably someone who had seen the world. He tossed out an “I wish the both of you happiness”, and with a cloud of the car’s exhaust fumes, drove away with the speed of an airplane.

Xu Juan let out a “pfft”, but once he had laughed enough, he abruptly felt empty in his heart. 

But this wasn’t a negative sort of emptiness. In fact, it felt as if all the depression, frustration, and confusion weighing on his chest had been flushed clean. Xu Juan no longer harboured any emotions. He looked at Pei Yu, and Pei Yu looked right back at him.

“I think I was too impulsive.” Before Pei Yu could part his lips, Xu Juan spoke up first, “But the feeling of being impulsive is pretty good. There’s that same thrill you get when you smash a jar to pieces.”

Now Pei Yu was upset: “Am I a smashed jar?”

“No, the smashed jar is obviously me.” Xu Juan said, “My mom must be fuming and can’t wait to skin me alive.” 

Pei Yu froze: “Is it that serious? Then, will you regret it?”

“What will I regret? I don’t even regret anything from six years ago. Let’s just take it one step at a time.” Xu Juan said this very nonchalantly, “I’m very certain, if I went back in time, I would still make the same decision. So, what’s the use in regretting?”

With today's wine, his wine cup flows. 

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Xu Juan decided to stop thinking too much.

He was of the common folk. Since he was a mere mortal, he would experience happiness, anger, sorrow, and joy. These were out of his control. It was impossible for him to reject the mortal world, nor could he ever hope to reject himself.

On the other hand, Pei Yu took things better than him. 

They had returned to Xu Juan’s house. Upon entering, Pei Yu’s first words to him were: “You didn’t have time to eat earlier, did you? Are you hungry?”

Xu Juan said he was.

Pei Yu said: “I’m hungry too, I haven’t eaten in a long time.”

“A long time?” 

“Isn’t it all because of you?”

Pei Yu changed his shoes and took off his coat, walking into the bathroom to wash his face. There were still traces of water on his face when he came out to say: “Yesterday, I waited for you at home all afternoon, but you didn’t come back even after the sky turned dark. I know you were in a bad mood because of the things I said, so you had probably gone off somewhere to quieten down.”

Embarrassment coloured Xu Juan’s face: “I’m sorry. I overreacted yesterday.”

“It’s all right.” Pei Yu said, very considerately, “I’ve seen many students who are like you. When their shortcomings are exposed, they get defensive and prickly. It’s not a big deal, merely a matter of not having a grasp on one’s emotions.” 

Xu Juan: “……”

He had a suspicion that Pei Yu was deliberately mocking him.

“Actually, I do have quite a good grasp on my emotions.” Xu Juan gave an awkward laugh, defending himself, “It’s just that I wasn’t in a good mood yesterday. If you said it again now, I guarantee I won’t react at all.”

He changed the subject: “Let’s not talk about this. Then, what happened after? When did you leave? When I came back, you were no longer here. I thought you’d moved out.” 

Pei Yu glanced at him, incredulous: “All my things are still where I left them. If I’ve moved out or not, don’t you know how to check it out yourself?”

Xu Juan: “……”

“All right, then. Not only do I not have a grasp on my emotions, but I also have bad eyesight.” Xu Juan rubbed at his nose. What he said was the truth, his eyesight was indeed not good; Could he not have seen Pei Yu’s toothbrush when he was washing up? Could he not have seen Pei Yu’s clothes still hung up in the wardrobe while he changed?

What exactly was he thinking about, then? It was as if he had sunk into a certain mood so murky that he was absent-minded throughout, not knowing where he was and in turn, he could not pay attention to everything happening around him. 

But at that time, he had thought he was very clear-headed.

So that turned out to be a lie.

Xu Juan continued: “So, you really aren’t even a little bit angry?”

“……” Pei Yu was quiet for a bit, “Do you want to hear the truth?” 

Xu Juan nodded.

Pei Yu said: “I can’t possibly not be angry, but I dislike letting my emotions get the better of me. At least, when I like you very much, I don’t want to deny my own feelings. So, rather than being mad at you, I would prefer to find solutions to this problem.”

Pei Yu hung the face towel back into the bathroom, then lowered his head to look at his clothes: “I want to take a shower first.”

“Shower later, let’s talk first.” Xu Juan tugged at him, then immediately pushed him against the wall, “What time did you leave yesterday? Where did you go?” 

“I left after it got dark outside.” Pei Yu didn’t try to hide it, “While I waited for you, I spent the whole afternoon feeling very angry. The more I thought about it, the harder it became to bear. But once the anger subsided, I let it go. Afterwards, you still hadn’t come home, so only worry remained in my heart.”

“……”

“I thought you had gone to the mountain again. Didn’t you say so yourself? Whenever you were in a bad mood, you would go to your secret base and look at the stars. So, I went to look for you, but unexpectedly, you weren’t there.”

Pei Yu let out a small laugh. 

He was complaining to Xu Juan, and his laughter carried bitterness, a pitiful look in his gaze: “If I had known earlier, I would have called you, but I had a feeling you wouldn’t pick up. And I was so sure you’d be on the mountain peak, too. I’m an idiot.”

“No, it was my fault.” Xu Juan hugged Pei Yu, taking in a deep breath.

Pei Yu gave him a little push, his voice soft: “There’s dust all over me, I haven’t showered since yesterday, and I haven’t changed out of my clothes, either.”

“It’s okay.” Xu Juan didn’t let go. Why would he hold these things against Pei Yu? 

Although Pei Yu’s tone made light of the matter and he didn’t say everything, it didn’t mean that Xu Juan didn’t understand.

Pei Yu didn’t have his own car. How did he go up the mountain, did he take a taxi?

Taking a taxi out of the city wasn’t difficult, but it was a very long walk from the base of the mountain to the top. Would the driver be willing to wait for him to return? And, after descending the mountain, how did he return to the city? He must have suffered quite a bit throughout the whole ordeal. His phone had probably run out of battery afterwards, so even if he had wanted to call, he couldn’t.

It would have been in the middle of the night. Was he not afraid? 

Xu Juan simply didn’t dare to think any further.

But from Pei Yu’s words, all that happened was condensed into a sentence, as if it wasn’t worth a mention.

Xu Juan felt as if his heart had been seized. What was even more difficult to imagine was, upon returning to the city, what sort of feelings had Pei Yu been harbouring when he had gone to the hotel to look for him? Was he not afraid that he would be rejected?

Xu Juan couldn’t help but be glad. Thank god that he was someone unreliable and unbridled who followed his impulses. If he were a little more rational, then Pei Yu wouldn’t have reaped anything from his efforts today. He would only have been like a clown, becoming a laughingstock in the eyes of others. 

“I’m sorry.” Xu Juan was a little choked up, “Why did you ever run into me? Why are you so unlucky? Did you perhaps owe me money in your previous life, Pei Yu?”

“What nonsense are you spouting again?”

“I said, you’re so good.”

Xu Juan sprawled against Pei Yu, hiding his face: “I don’t even know how best to praise you.” 

He had begun to throw his honeyed words out like freebies yet again. Pei Yu was a little embarrassed, feigning indifference as he pushed his head away: “Then don’t praise me anymore. I’m about to starve to death, Director Xu.”

Xu Juan immediately said: “I’ll order some takeout?”

“……” Pei Yu said, almost in admiration, “It’s your birthday and we’re going to have takeout? I think you’d better rest. I’ll shower first, then cook you some noodles.”

The bathroom door was shut. 

Xu Juan sat down in the living room. For the first time, he was ashamed of his lack of life skills.

But since these were just trifling matters, he only spent a few seconds calmly thinking over them before his thoughts began to wander again.

Indeed, there was a thrill to smashing jars, but one had to pay the price for their impulses. The fact that his mother hadn’t called for security to hold him down at the venue, was already her allowing him to retain some dignity.

On the other hand, he hadn’t left Yue Xuelin with a single shred of dignity. He destroyed the engagement without permission, and under the eyes of many, ran off with another man, completely ruining the Xu family’s reputation. His mother probably already harboured intentions of beating him to death. 

However, it had been nearly an hour since he and Pei Yu left the hotel. He Xiangzi hadn’t sent anyone after him or given him a call. The more silent she was, the more apprehensive it made him.

——How did his mother intend to straighten things out with him?

Xu Juan ruminated over this for a long time. Perhaps, the circumstances of the day seemed too much like a dream. Everything that he and Pei Yu had done was comparable to an idol drama, so he was too swept up in those character settings. His first thought was actually “Here’s five million, leave my son”. Xu Juan couldn’t help but bow his head and laugh out loud.

“What’re you laughing about?” Pei Yu walked out of the bathroom, dressed in a bathrobe. 

Xu Juan couldn’t suppress the raised corners of his lips. He asked, rather wickedly: “Pei Yu, if my mom gave you five million and told you to break up with me, would you agree?”

“……” Pei Yu’s glare was full of anger, “Five million is too little, there should be another zero at least.”

“Wow, okay. So I’m only worth fifty million.”

“Wrong. You can’t even cook noodles, no one would buy you even if you were to cost a single cent.” 

Xu Juan: “……”

“Pei Yu, you’re so mean to me today.” Xu Juan followed Pei Yu into the kitchen, deliberately saying, “You’ve never spoken to me like this before, are you still angry?”

“No.”

“You’re really not?” 

“Yeah.”

Pei Yu gave a faint smile, his tone light: “I’m very happy right now. To be honest, I did wonder, if you weren’t willing to go with me and insisted on getting engaged to someone else, what should I do then? I didn’t come to any conclusion. Anyway, whether you agreed or not, I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from going to you. Now, you’re home with me, so what do I have to be mad about?”

“……”

Ah, Xu Juan got it. No wonder he was being so mean. It turned out he wasn’t angry, he was just overwhelmed. 

“Xiao Pei laoshi, one cannot be too arrogant.” Xu Juan gave Pei Yu a pretentious pat on the shoulder.

Pei Yu was currently chopping up green onions. He turned around and glanced at him coldly: “You don’t want to eat noodles anymore?” 

Xu Juan: “……”

Ok, ok. 

Xu Juan was shut down.

He no longer stayed in the kitchen to make things difficult for Pei Yu. He returned to the bedroom and took off his formal wear, changing into more comfortable and simple clothes.

When the aroma of food wafted out from the kitchen, Xu Juan was already sitting at the dining table, all ready.

Pei Yu brought out two bowls of steaming hot noodle soup, one for each of them, with a pair of chopsticks, then sat down opposite him. When Xu Juan was about to pick up his chopsticks, Pei Yu suddenly stopped him: “Wait, let’s do this properly.” 

Pei Yu cleared his throat and assumed a very solemn air, giving a pre-dinner speech: “Regrettably, the Director Xu who could have been enjoying a luxurious banquet has been abducted home by me. Now, before him is but a mere, simple bowl of noodle soup. However, this is no ordinary bowl of noodles. First, it contains no more and no less than, a full hundred strands. Second, there is a single poached egg beneath the noodles.”

Xu Juan: “……” 

“Are there really a hundred strands?” Xu Juan picked up the chopsticks, stirring through them, “You specifically counted?”

“That’s right. Do you want to count it one more time?”

“……”

Xu Juan was curious and he did want to count them, but to count them strand by strand was too dumb a thing to do. This sort of thing could only be done by a fool like Pei Yu. 

Xu Juan was very touched: “Thank you, Pei laoshi has worked hard. Let’s start eating.”

Once again, Pei Yu stopped him: “Not going to make a wish?”

“I’ve already made one.” Xu Juan said, “It’s what I said in the taxi, don’t you remember?”

“……” Pei Yu sank into momentary silence, “I don’t think what you said was very auspicious, it feels like it’s hinting at something. Why don’t you make another one?” 

“All right, as you wish.” Xu Juan closed his eyes and dramatically blew out some air over the poached egg, “My birthday wish is, I hope that on this day next year, Pei laoshi will still personally cook noodles for me.”

“Is that difficult?” Pei Yu was clearly unsatisfied with his lack of imagination, but he still said, sincerely, “I promise, your wish will come true.”

Xu Juan smiled.

He was very happy. Not because of this promise, or because of anything else. He simply just felt relaxed; Everything that was choking him up in his heart, the weight on his shoulders, the confusion in his mind –– all of these were channelled as hunger. 

In the end, his desires physically manifested into a bowl of noodles.

“Is it good?” Pei Yu hadn’t taken more than a few bites, instead, he constantly watched him.

Xu Juan nodded.

Pei Yu said: “I’m unrivalled when it comes to cooking noodles, because my mother was great at it. In her youth, she stole my father’s heart through her exceptional culinary skills. After that, my father passed away at a young age and there was no one else who would praise her for making delicious noodles. She could only cook them for me. It’s been over twenty years, so I’ve actually long since gotten tired of eating them.” 

“……”

Xu Juan paused in the middle of moving his chopsticks, and heard Pei Yu continue: “But now, I suddenly feel that I’m not actually that tired of them.”

Xu Juan didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to respond to such a sentence. He only spoke after a long while: “Why don’t you teach me how to cook noodles next time?”

“Okay.” Pei Yu replied, then, out of the blue, he said, “But actually, you don’t really need to be taught how to cook noodles. Just toss the noodles into boiling water, they’ll be ready in a few minutes.” 

Xu Juan: “……”

Pei Yu began to laugh: “I was kidding. Why do you look so baffled? Xu Juan, were you thinking: Would they really be cooked? How many minutes would it take?”

“……What are you doing?” Xu Juan was exasperated, “Aren’t I useless at cooking? Could you please give this person who can’t cook some basic respect? —— Pei laoshi, you’re really being too much today, you keep attacking me.”

Pei Yu immediately collected himself: “Is that so? My apologies, I’m too happy today, so I’ve probably gone overboard with the babbling. You don’t like it?” 

Whenever he spoke with his head lowered, a hint of reservation and bashfulness would appear on his face. But Xu Juan understood, the closer two people became, the less reserved they would be with each other. The shyness would also slowly dissipate with more physical contact.

Pei Yu was very relaxed today.

Why so? Was it because he had, for the first time, made a statement through his actions and let Pei Yu truly see how important he was to him?

As expected, love was not an easy thing to feign. False, honeyed words would never provide someone with a sense of security, only actions could. 

But could his actions today be considered real?

Xu Juan couldn’t understand. He felt that he was more confused than Pei Yu right now. At the very least, Pei Yu had a keen intuition to rely on, like an inherent, animalistic instinct. But he didn’t even have this sort of instinct. He was too skilled at pretending, so much so that he had instead blindfolded himself. He couldn’t see anything.

However, Xu Juan didn’t harp over this issue for very long.

On such a joyous occasion, there was no need to overthink and bring unhappiness to himself. 

“No, I like it.” Xu Juan replied to Pei Yu.

He stood up from the chair and leaned across the table to kiss Pei Yu. This position was too awkward, but carried a hint of pleasure. They made out for a while and continued eating their noodles. After the meal, while they were doing the dishes, Pei Yu suddenly asked Xu Juan: “Your engagement is completely cancelled, so you won’t have to get engaged anymore in the future, will you?”

Xu Juan nodded: “I won’t go off and get engaged anymore. Miss Yue is also a person who values her reputation. Since I publicly abandoned her today, she won’t be looking for me again.”

Pei Yu said: “And there won’t be anyone else?” 

“There won’t.” Xu Juan said with certainty, “Since I’ve already run off, I no longer wish to return. This is the principle I live by; No matter what happens in the future, I will not turn back.”

These words were said plainly but resolutely. It wasn’t just about the engagement, Pei Yu could faintly discern from it some other implications.

“Was it due to my influence?” Pei Yu asked.

Xu Juan grinned at him: “Maybe, but not completely. You are the right person, who appeared at the right time —— We really are a match made in heaven, Pei laoshi.” 

Pei Yu was very satisfied with his answer. He tossed the bowl aside, and with wet fingers still dripping with dish soap, he directly sank them into Xu Juan’s hair.

He held onto the back of Xu Juan’s head and pressed him down, kissing him against the kitchen counter.

It was a kiss varying with emotions.

There was desire, but there was also something completely detached from lust, that was purely a form of communication between lovers. It was gentle and soundless, but also unyielding. 

Xu Juan couldn’t help but shut his eyes, allowing Pei Yu’s relentless rhythm to slow his breaths down. He felt so good that he even got a little drowsy.

Just as Pei Yu was about to deepen the kiss and take matters from the kitchen to the bed, his phone suddenly rang, disrupting the atmosphere.

Xu Juan’s consciousness trembled and he sobered up from his trance. Taking his phone out for a look, he saw that it was unexpectedly a call from his older sister.

“Hey, jie.” Xu Juan let out a yawn and leaned forward, laying himself against Pei Yu’s shoulder. He said, lazily, “Is something up?” 

“Is something up? You’re asking me if something’s up?!” Xu Qingguang was about to lose it, “You turned the banquet completely upside down. Mom and dad are even arguing right now, but you’re actually asking me if something’s up?!”

Xu Juan: “……”

“I’m sorry.” Xu Juan said insincerely, “I didn’t think it would cause all of you to argue.”

Xu Qingguang let out a sarcastic huff: “How about you just shut it! I won’t beat around the bush with you either. I’ll be blunt and give you a head’s up. Mom is angry, she’s getting ready to freeze your bank accounts, and confiscate the house and your cars. From now on, she won’t give you a single cent. She’s leaving you to fend for yourself and go beg for change on the pedestrian bridges. Before she acts, you’d better hurry and transfer some money to your secret stash.” 

Without waiting for Xu Juan to reply, Xu Qingguang furiously hung up.

The words “my dearest jiejie” were left stuck in his throat, abruptly backtracking into: “Pei laoshi, I’ve been chased out of my home. In the future, if I can’t afford to indulge you, what should I do? Will you still like me?”

Xu Juan wrapped both arms around Pei Yu’s waist, resting his entire body weight against him.

This position was oddly satisfying to Pei Yu. He held onto Xu Juan securely and his expression seemed a little happy. But since Xu Juan had suddenly just received unfortunate news, it wasn’t too convenient for him to show it too obviously. Thus, he could only suppress the quirk of his lips and put on a face full of remorse, saying: “It’s all right. In the future, just stay with me. I’ll indulge you.”