Chapter 492: Agonizing (2)

Chapter 492: Agonizing (2)

That was scathing.

Those three words seemed the most suited to describing Jo Gyu-Min's question. Scathing. Straight to the point. No room for excuses.

Kang Jin-Ho felt like a bucket of icy water had been dumped on him when Jo Gyu-Min's scathing question slammed into his hearing.

'What do I want to do, is it...?'

What a difficult question to answer. Not too long ago, Kang Jin-Ho would've replied, “I'd like to live an ordinary life.”

However, that goal had crumbled into nothingness quite some time ago, and Kang Jin-Ho knew it. His current life, it... It was just drifting around aimlessly, just like Jo Gyu-Min had alluded to a second ago.

Someone had to come into his life first for Kang Jin-Ho to react. And then... he'd utterly destroy them. Whoever they were, he'd make them pay dearly for butting into his life. However, if someone asked him for help, he'd help them out.

Whether it was destruction or assistance, they both began with one condition: external stimulus.

Since Kang Jin-Ho was passive and unmoving, someone else had to make him act first.

“Mister Jin-Ho, life is shorter than you think,” said Jo Gyu-Min.

“...Yes, I'm aware.”

There might not be anyone more clued in to the meaning behind those words than Kang Jin-Ho in this world. Time always flew by in the blink of an eye. Time yet to come might seem aplenty, but... But the time that had already gone past would always seem so unfairly brief.

Once one stood at the end of their life, their history would feel far too short. Too brief. Kang Jin-Ho knew this since he got to experience that moment twice already.

“Mister Jin-Ho,” Jo Gyu-Min called out with some force behind his voice. “You have the power to change the world.”

“...”

“But you don't have a purpose.”

Kang Jin-Ho couldn't refute that. None of what Jo Gyu-Min said was wrong.

“I believed that given enough time, you'd find your own path. That you'd walk toward your goal sooner or later. However, I no longer think that way, Mister Jin-Ho. You've already met all the requisite conditions. And you have plenty of good people around you, too. You've reached the point where you can practically achieve anything as long as you have the will, yet... Mister Jin-Ho, you're not doing anything.” Jo Gyu-Min's voice grew firmer, more unyielding. “That is... a complete waste.”

Click...

Jo Gyu-Min, now looking frustrated, pulled out a fresh cigarette and mouthed it. After lighting it up, he sucked in a lungful of grayish smoke before slowly releasing it back into the night air.

“That is why I wanted to ask you. Mister Jin-Ho, just what is it that you wish to achieve?”

Again, Kang Jin-Ho was at a loss for words. He couldn't reply at all.

'What do I want to do?'

He wanted happiness in life. However, he learned something about that by now. Finding happiness could not be a legitimate goal. Happiness was something he could gain, but Kang Jin-Ho had already achieved everything that might grant him happiness in life. Besides...

'Aren't I already happy with my life?'

His answer seemed already set. Kang Jin-Ho lacked nothing in his life. All those things trying to prevent him from finding happiness were removed from his path. And factors that he thought were absolutely crucial to his happiness, such as family, friends, and a lifestyle that didn't differ too much from most people, had already been 'achieved'.

In that case, what else must he do... for his happiness?

Kang Jin-Ho silently sucked on his cigarette out of frustration. The sensation of cigarette smoke slowly filling his lungs seemed to calm his complicated mind just a little. However, this brief instance of pleasure wouldn't help him find the answer. Kang Jin-Ho knew that better than anyone.

“Mister Jin-Ho, I'm not asking you to find your purpose right now.”

“...I see.”

“...!” Kang Jin-Ho faltered, rendered speechless again.

“Mister Jin-Ho, try to be more... selfish, please.” Jo Gyu-Min suddenly spoke in a gentle yet pitying tone. “You must discard the mindset of trying to carry the whole world on your back. People are all like this. They think nothing will get done without them around, but... Even if you're not here, the world won't change much, Mister Jin-Ho. Yes, things might get a little harder for everyone. However, that difficulty is for us to bear, to begin with. There is no need for you to try to carry all of our burdens as if that's what you're born for.”

Jo Gyu-Min stopped talking there and began loosening his tie as if his throat was getting tighter.

“Mister Jin-Ho, may I offer you a piece of advice?”

“...You've been doing that already, though?”

Although Kang Jin-Ho's reply came from a snarky part of Kang Jin-Ho's personality, Jo Gyu-Min expertly ignored that. “When I asked you what your purpose was... Do you want me to tell you what you were thinking about?”

“...I'm sorry?”

“A life where everyone is heading toward a good ending. And the position you'd have to assume in that scenario. That's what you were thinking about, Mister Jin-Ho.”

Kang Jin-Ho clamped his mouth shut.

Jo Gyu-Min was right. After all, Kang Jin began agonizing over ways to ensure everyone's happiness when his purpose was brought into question!

“Allow me to talk about something amusing for a second, Mister Jin-Ho. Do you still remember what I asked you at the beginning?”

Of course Kang Jin-Ho remembered. His memories were preternaturally sharp, after all. Obviously, he remembered the exact words. That didn't mean he could repeat them, though.

Because he had realized something just then. He had noticed the contradiction.

“I asked you about what you wished to achieve. What I wanted to know was the thing you wished to do. And there is no 'we' in that equation. Only you count in formulating the answer, Mister Jin-Ho. Do you earnestly believe that the life lived for everyone else is a life lived for yourself?”

“...I have never really thought about it,” Kang Jin-Ho slowly shook his head.

“Mister Jin-Ho,” Jo Gyu-Min sighed deeply.

How should he evaluate Kang Jin-Ho? The way Jo Gyu-Min saw it, Kang Jin-Ho was like a mystery. A figurative Superman who could do anything he put his mind to it and a caring man who never forgot to be considerate toward other people.

Recently, though, Jo Gyu-Min finally noticed a bizarre inconsistency about Kang Jin-Ho. It was the fact that... Kang Jin-Ho didn't want anything.

He literally wished for nothing. The very basis of his life was all about achieving happiness for the people in his life. There was no way Kang Jin-Ho could find his own happiness in a life like that.

“Mister Jin-Ho, let me give you homework.”

“...?”

“I want you to take your time and think really hard about what you want to do. Do not think about other people, just focus on yourself. Remember what I told you way back when? I said I'd follow you regardless of what you want to do. I said that not because I thought you'd take me to the top of the world. I genuinely want to be there to help you in whatever you're doing,” said Jo Gyu-Min without pausing in the middle. “But the way things are going, it's like you're worrying yourself sick trying to make me happy. Yes, the situation hasn't reached that far, but I'm still giving you this advice as if it has. So, Mister Jin-Ho...?”

Jo Gyu-Min finally stopped there and sucked in a deep breath. He then stared straight at Kang Jin-Ho.

“Please, stop underestimating people.”

“...”

“I will do just fine without your help, Mister Jin-Ho. And the same goes for everyone else in your life, too. They can all stand on their two feet. Are you a saint? No one wants to see you sacrifice yourself as if it was par for the course. Don't you see it in the kids' faces? You're already becoming a bit of a burden on them.”

“But, I...”

“Mister Jin-Ho, I'm not some mosquito buzzing around you to suck out your abilities or something. And I'm certainly not following you to receive your considerations. No, what I want to do is be part of whatever it is that you wish to achieve. I don't want to ride on a carriage pulled by a horse called Kang Jin-Ho, but I also want to pull it right next to you.” Jo Gyu-Min tossed his cigarette to the ground. “My aim is to become your friend and an ally, not your devotee. Let me make that clear right now.”

Kang Jin-Ho wordlessly nodded. He couldn't say anything, anyway. His heart was being thrown into chaos from what Jo Gyu-Min said, after all.

“Please think long and hard about it, Mister Jin-Ho. Figure out what you really, really want to do with your life. Then, everyone will try to stay even more with you. However, if you fail to figure that out, then one day, people will start finding you a burden. An inconvenience. Thank you for listening to all these insolent words. And my apologies, as well.”

Jo Gyu-Min bowed deeply before turning around. He walked away into the night's darkness and soon disappeared from Kang Jin-Ho's view.

However, Kang Jin-Ho couldn't bring himself to stop the distancing Jo Gyu-Min. He just stood there for a long time, unmoving.