In the small meeting room.
The sun was shining outside, and Pei Chuan was pushing his wheelchair. In the late summer and early autumn, she stood there smiling at him.
Pei Chuan admitted that his breathing had stopped for a while.
She wore silky white long sleeves with very simple short pants underneath, showing a pair of slender white jade legs. He was already a man; he was no longer that boy who had sat at the same table with her and had drawn a line to divide their territory.
His first wet dream had been about her; the girl in the dream had been sobbing. Later, when he had awakened in the morning, all he had been left with was pain and despair.
Sometimes he hated his male instinct. Why had he lost his healthy legs but not his ugly desire?
He had always treated her with the purest affections, and seldom tainted it with lust. Pei Chuan looked from afar, he could only love her forever.
But, seeing Bei Yao like this, he realized that it wasn’t enough.
Bei Yao tilted her head. She was actually a little embarrassed. But after seeing Pei Chuan’s stunned and pale face, she became a little panicked.
It was obvious that other people didn’t have this kind of reaction. Did she not look good?
This time Pei Chuan spoke first. “Yaoyao, how have you been doing recently?”
She nodded her head with utmost happiness, and moved a small bench to sit by his side. “Very well. The large moonflowers in B University have bloomed. Bei Jun is much taller now; he writes to me every month.”
The only bad thing is that I can’t see you often.
Pei Chuan fell silent for a moment. "Have you met any boys you’re interested in?”
She was stunned. Although she knew a long time ago that Pei Chuan was leaving her, it was the first time that Pei Chuan had been so frank.
Bei Yao was a little angry and bit her lip. “What do you mean?”
Pei Chuan did not avoid her gaze. He looked straight at her eyes and said, “Six years is very long, and I’m not good to you. I can’t be by your side when you feel cold or hungry. Yaoyao, when you go to psychology class, you’ll understand that people will have desires after growing up. The opposite sex will be attracted to each other. You’ve waited for me for a long time and have never let me down, but it’s too late for me to treat you better. If you have someone you like, and he treats you well…”
Bei Yao was dumbfounded. She had dressed up beautifully to meet him. As a result, he told her both men and women would have desires when they grew up. What if she liked someone else?
She was both embarrassed and angry, and interrupted him. “If you like someone, do you sleep with them?” She had never said such explicit and shameful words, but this time Pei Chuan had really made her furious. Why didn’t he believe that she had grown up? Did he not believe her sincerity?
His face turned white and he angrily said, “Yaoyao! You know I didn’t mean it that way.”
She was furious. “That’s what you meant. You always think that I like someone else.”
Bei Yao still remembered what Qin Dongni had whispered to her. She thought that Pei Chuan would like her more after seeing her. Before she had come, she had been quietly expecting Pei Chuan’s reaction, but instead, he was almost making her cry from anger.
Bei Yao had never quarreled with Pei Chuan. This was the first time. She was afraid that the joy of seeing him would turn into tears the next moment. She gritted her teeth and got up, intending to leave.
He’s the worst of villains.
She held her tears and shame in her maiden’s heart, and stood up to leave.
In the next instant, she was grabbed by her wrist and pulled into an embrace. The man hugged her tightly with his pale fingers.
He confined the angry young girl and held her tight. “I didn’t mean it that way.”
She sat on his legs and was held tightly in his arms, her tears about to fall. It had been two years, but this time, she really felt like she had been wronged.
Pei Chuan whispered, “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said something like that, I’m sorry. Don’t go, don’t go.”
Every time he met her, he had to wait innumerable days and nights, as if all of his expectations and hopes were just for this meeting. He could endure endless loneliness for this.
He didn’t want to make her sad. God knew how much he wanted to be good to her.
But the many things she wouldn’t be able to face had become a deep-rooted problem in his heart.
Bei Yao was also reluctant to leave. She had waited for the same length of time to meet him. It hadn’t been easy for them to meet; they couldn’t fight. She said with a nasal voice, “Then I’ll forgive you this time. You’re not allowed to say anything like this in the future, or I won’t forgive you.”
He replied with a low voice, “Okay.”
She stretched out her tender arms and hugged the man's neck. Her little head rubbed against his neck. "Why are you so irritating?”
He pursed his lips and said nothing, only gently stroking her hair with cherishing and sadness she didn’t understand.
He kissed her hair lightly. Bei Yao felt a little itchy, and her tears turned into smiles.
However, she was really curious. “Why were you so angry just now?”
Pei Chuan was rarely angry in front of her; he was very lenient. When he said something hurtful, it must be because a sensitive nerve had been touched.
Pei Chuan didn’t want to lie to her, but no matter what, he couldn’t talk about his disability and desires in front of her.
He could only stay silent.
Bei Yao thought for a while then whispered, “If you don’t like me wearing this and you think it doesn’t look good, then I won’t wear it anymore.”
His throat was dry, and he whispered, “No, it looks good.”
She was still pure. After hearing his compliment, her previous unhappiness vanished. She said joyfully, “You also look good.” And she didn’t forget to add, “The most handsome.”
He smiled, his heart filled with affection.
His praise came from the bottom of his heart, and she looked at him sentimentally. His appearance was very miserable right now; he didn’t deserve her compliments.
Pei Chuan wouldn’t use his circumstances to have her.
Everyone would only be young once. Sadly, he couldn’t accompany her through the journey of her youth. He wished for her to have her own life and not worry about him.
This was the first time he had held her like this. This man had a broad chest, and even the two years in jail couldn’t affect his previous years of boxing exercise.
He had compact muscles, sitting in a wheelchair with her in his arms.
To be honest, Bei Yao somewhat felt strange.
She neither held grudges nor got angry easily. After she was done being mad, she would love the joyful moments in life even more.
This man was sensitive. When she had seen him sitting in a wheelchair as a child, he would be unhappy. But now they were together, hugging her on his lap in the wheelchair. It was considered to be a big compromise from him.
She buried her face in his chest while holding back her joyful smile and shyness.
The time for the “prison visit” had passed and Bei Yao had to leave.
Pei Chuan looked at her slender back as it disappeared from view. For the first time, he was a little worried.
~
Cheng Zhenghai said, “Pei Chuan, something on your mind?"
"No."
“Come on buddy, we’ve been together day and night for almost three years, and you’ve stopped typing code more than ten times. Don’t treat me as an outsider; my crime is more serious than yours, I still have to stay here for more than ten years. I won’t spread your little problems to everyone on earth. I reckon this is your third year and you’ll be out next year.”
Right now was the time they let the prisoners out for “exercise”. Pei Chuan didn’t like to communicate with others, but today he had too much on his mind. When he looked at this senior who had gone to jail for his daughter, he opened his mouth. “I’m afraid I can’t give her a future.”
Cheng Zhenghai said, “You can’t say that about yourself, ah. Look at us who work with biochemistry, we can’t be poorer anymore. But what are you doing? Electronic technology and software are developing now, the future will be the information era. Your brain is very useful; it’s like a walking treasury. It’ll be no problem to build a golden house for your girl. Besides, you can work on technology, which means that you’ll be a proper scientist once you’re out, ah.”
Cheng Zhenghai looked at the silent Pei Chuan, then added, “Look at the college students nowadays, what else do they know except the knowledge from books? To become scientists, they should finish their undergraduate programs, graduate programs, doctoral programs, etc… They also have to publish papers non-stop, achieve certain academic results, and only then will they be worthy of the title ‘scientist’. But you, with four years of practical work, you’ve already made so many things. Both you and the government are clear on that you won’t be on the same level as your peers after you get out.”
Pei Chuan looked at his eyes and gritted his teeth. In the end, he still didn’t say anything.
The main thing was that after marrying someone, they would have a… sexual life. He could give her the purest form of love and spoil her for a lifetime, but it was harder for him to take off his clothes and pants than to die.
That childhood incident was like a shadow that trapped him. His little self was sitting outside the door while his parents were arguing in the room. He heard the fear of his dearest woman when she mentioned his limbs.
Pei Chuan was a piece of flesh that had come out of Jiang Wenjuan, but even this woman was afraid of and disgusted with him, let alone Yaoyao.
When he had been four years old, Pei Chuan had always believed Jiang Wenjuan's words: to eat well, sleep well, that men don't cry, and when he grew up, his legs would grow back and become whole again. But when he was a little older, he also understood that he could only be like this forever.
He could practice boxing and train his muscles and figure, but his limbs would only shrink and look ugly even if they were massaged every day.
Even he thought they looked extremely ugly, so how could he let that beautiful and innocent girl look at them?
Yaoyao didn’t understand this logic. And as a normal and healthy man, Senior Chen hadn’t had such worries when he’d been with his wife. So none of them understood his struggle and pain.
However, when Pei Chuan had met Bei Yao today, in addition to being stunning, there was also that alluring illusion of youth that made him insane; the unbearable shame when he woke up.
To marry someone, one had to be responsible for them for the rest of one’s life. Sometimes, love alone wasn’t enough.
But who could he talk about these thoughts with? In the end, he could only endure the pain of a blunt knife cutting the meat slowly*.
*t/n: 钝刀子割肉的痛苦 (dùn dāo zǐ gē ròu) is an idiom that means ‘slow action’ or ‘a problem that cannot be solved quickly.’
Pei Chuan couldn’t let go, but a responsible man wouldn’t care only about momentary interest and pleasure.
This was also the reason why he had never touched Bei Yao.
If one day she understood that he couldn’t even give her a normal life, she would know how terrible he was. The more he loved the more he worried. He even feared that she would look at him a little differently.
Pei Chuan sometimes thought that it would be good if she wasn’t so beautiful. But she had the most beautiful features: young, and an attractive body, so much so that he was miles away from her. He, on the other hand, didn’t even possess the most basic conditions to match her.
Normal people wouldn’t understand.
And it was impossible for those who understood to say it to others.
At the end of this conversation, only Senior Cheng thought that he had successfully persuaded the young man. Cheng Zhenghai was really optimistic about this young man. Pei Chuan could basically make any kind of software—he was the master of all. When he didn’t understand something, he would study it seriously.
The one thing about the “Seventh Prison” was that it couldn’t be compared to all the universities outside. There were excellent physics professors, biochemists, and even the disciples of the former researcher of the H bomb.
Each one of them was a genius, a big figure in each of their fields, and the mistakes they had made could be corrected.
As soon as people like Pei Chuan got out, he would be settled in becoming a scientist. With his skill in writing code, money was something easy to make.
Then one day, Cheng Zhenghai remembered something important. “Pei Chuan, ah, does your little girl know that you’re so capable?”
Cough, cough… his ability to make money was against the sky.
Pei Chuan's expression was cold, and his thin lips faintly uttered three words. "She doesn’t know."
Cheng Zhenghai, who was only casually asking, hadn’t expected such an answer.
Senior Cheng's eyes widened. "Then, does she know that you can get out next year?" She should know that she doesn’t have to wait for you for long, right?
Pei Chuan was silent for a moment. “She thinks there are six years left.”
“……”
Cheng Zhenghai didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “You brat.”
What can I say? Which family’s baby girl is that? She doesn’t know anything. Will she also be like the people outside, thinking that once Pei Chuan gets out, he’ll be a poor boy with nothing? Oh, it’s truly difficult for people who’ve been in jail to find a job.
Besides, she’s stupid enough to think that she has to wait for him for six years.
Pei Chuan, are you not afraid that when you suddenly get out, the girl will be angry and dump you?
Moreover, she’s willingly waiting for a “poor boy with nothing for six years”. What kind of baby girl has Pei Chuan picked up, ah!
In the small meeting room.
The sun was shining outside, and Pei Chuan was pushing his wheelchair. In the late summer and early autumn, she stood there smiling at him.
Pei Chuan admitted that his breathing had stopped for a while.
She wore silky white long sleeves with very simple short pants underneath, showing a pair of slender white jade legs. He was already a man; he was no longer that boy who had sat at the same table with her and had drawn a line to divide their territory.
His first wet dream had been about her; the girl in the dream had been sobbing. Later, when he had awakened in the morning, all he had been left with was pain and despair.
Sometimes he hated his male instinct. Why had he lost his healthy legs but not his ugly desire?
He had always treated her with the purest affections, and seldom tainted it with lust. Pei Chuan looked from afar, he could only love her forever.
But, seeing Bei Yao like this, he realized that it wasn’t enough.
Bei Yao tilted her head. She was actually a little embarrassed. But after seeing Pei Chuan’s stunned and pale face, she became a little panicked.
It was obvious that other people didn’t have this kind of reaction. Did she not look good?
This time Pei Chuan spoke first. “Yaoyao, how have you been doing recently?”
She nodded her head with utmost happiness, and moved a small bench to sit by his side. “Very well. The large moonflowers in B University have bloomed. Bei Jun is much taller now; he writes to me every month.”
The only bad thing is that I can’t see you often.
Pei Chuan fell silent for a moment. "Have you met any boys you’re interested in?”
She was stunned. Although she knew a long time ago that Pei Chuan was leaving her, it was the first time that Pei Chuan had been so frank.
Bei Yao was a little angry and bit her lip. “What do you mean?”
Pei Chuan did not avoid her gaze. He looked straight at her eyes and said, “Six years is very long, and I’m not good to you. I can’t be by your side when you feel cold or hungry. Yaoyao, when you go to psychology class, you’ll understand that people will have desires after growing up. The opposite sex will be attracted to each other. You’ve waited for me for a long time and have never let me down, but it’s too late for me to treat you better. If you have someone you like, and he treats you well…”
Bei Yao was dumbfounded. She had dressed up beautifully to meet him. As a result, he told her both men and women would have desires when they grew up. What if she liked someone else?
She was both embarrassed and angry, and interrupted him. “If you like someone, do you sleep with them?” She had never said such explicit and shameful words, but this time Pei Chuan had really made her furious. Why didn’t he believe that she had grown up? Did he not believe her sincerity?
His face turned white and he angrily said, “Yaoyao! You know I didn’t mean it that way.”
She was furious. “That’s what you meant. You always think that I like someone else.”
Bei Yao still remembered what Qin Dongni had whispered to her. She thought that Pei Chuan would like her more after seeing her. Before she had come, she had been quietly expecting Pei Chuan’s reaction, but instead, he was almost making her cry from anger.
Bei Yao had never quarreled with Pei Chuan. This was the first time. She was afraid that the joy of seeing him would turn into tears the next moment. She gritted her teeth and got up, intending to leave.
He’s the worst of villains.
She held her tears and shame in her maiden’s heart, and stood up to leave.
In the next instant, she was grabbed by her wrist and pulled into an embrace. The man hugged her tightly with his pale fingers.
He confined the angry young girl and held her tight. “I didn’t mean it that way.”
She sat on his legs and was held tightly in his arms, her tears about to fall. It had been two years, but this time, she really felt like she had been wronged.
Pei Chuan whispered, “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said something like that, I’m sorry. Don’t go, don’t go.”
Every time he met her, he had to wait innumerable days and nights, as if all of his expectations and hopes were just for this meeting. He could endure endless loneliness for this.
He didn’t want to make her sad. God knew how much he wanted to be good to her.
But the many things she wouldn’t be able to face had become a deep-rooted problem in his heart.
Bei Yao was also reluctant to leave. She had waited for the same length of time to meet him. It hadn’t been easy for them to meet; they couldn’t fight. She said with a nasal voice, “Then I’ll forgive you this time. You’re not allowed to say anything like this in the future, or I won’t forgive you.”
He replied with a low voice, “Okay.”
She stretched out her tender arms and hugged the man's neck. Her little head rubbed against his neck. "Why are you so irritating?”
He pursed his lips and said nothing, only gently stroking her hair with cherishing and sadness she didn’t understand.
He kissed her hair lightly. Bei Yao felt a little itchy, and her tears turned into smiles.
However, she was really curious. “Why were you so angry just now?”
Pei Chuan was rarely angry in front of her; he was very lenient. When he said something hurtful, it must be because a sensitive nerve had been touched.
Pei Chuan didn’t want to lie to her, but no matter what, he couldn’t talk about his disability and desires in front of her.
He could only stay silent.
Bei Yao thought for a while then whispered, “If you don’t like me wearing this and you think it doesn’t look good, then I won’t wear it anymore.”
His throat was dry, and he whispered, “No, it looks good.”
She was still pure. After hearing his compliment, her previous unhappiness vanished. She said joyfully, “You also look good.” And she didn’t forget to add, “The most handsome.”
He smiled, his heart filled with affection.
His praise came from the bottom of his heart, and she looked at him sentimentally. His appearance was very miserable right now; he didn’t deserve her compliments.
Pei Chuan wouldn’t use his circumstances to have her.
Everyone would only be young once. Sadly, he couldn’t accompany her through the journey of her youth. He wished for her to have her own life and not worry about him.
This was the first time he had held her like this. This man had a broad chest, and even the two years in jail couldn’t affect his previous years of boxing exercise.
He had compact muscles, sitting in a wheelchair with her in his arms.
To be honest, Bei Yao somewhat felt strange.
She neither held grudges nor got angry easily. After she was done being mad, she would love the joyful moments in life even more.
This man was sensitive. When she had seen him sitting in a wheelchair as a child, he would be unhappy. But now they were together, hugging her on his lap in the wheelchair. It was considered to be a big compromise from him.
She buried her face in his chest while holding back her joyful smile and shyness.
The time for the “prison visit” had passed and Bei Yao had to leave.
Pei Chuan looked at her slender back as it disappeared from view. For the first time, he was a little worried.
~
Cheng Zhenghai said, “Pei Chuan, something on your mind?"
"No."
“Come on buddy, we’ve been together day and night for almost three years, and you’ve stopped typing code more than ten times. Don’t treat me as an outsider; my crime is more serious than yours, I still have to stay here for more than ten years. I won’t spread your little problems to everyone on earth. I reckon this is your third year and you’ll be out next year.”
Right now was the time they let the prisoners out for “exercise”. Pei Chuan didn’t like to communicate with others, but today he had too much on his mind. When he looked at this senior who had gone to jail for his daughter, he opened his mouth. “I’m afraid I can’t give her a future.”
Cheng Zhenghai said, “You can’t say that about yourself, ah. Look at us who work with biochemistry, we can’t be poorer anymore. But what are you doing? Electronic technology and software are developing now, the future will be the information era. Your brain is very useful; it’s like a walking treasury. It’ll be no problem to build a golden house for your girl. Besides, you can work on technology, which means that you’ll be a proper scientist once you’re out, ah.”
Cheng Zhenghai looked at the silent Pei Chuan, then added, “Look at the college students nowadays, what else do they know except the knowledge from books? To become scientists, they should finish their undergraduate programs, graduate programs, doctoral programs, etc… They also have to publish papers non-stop, achieve certain academic results, and only then will they be worthy of the title ‘scientist’. But you, with four years of practical work, you’ve already made so many things. Both you and the government are clear on that you won’t be on the same level as your peers after you get out.”
Pei Chuan looked at his eyes and gritted his teeth. In the end, he still didn’t say anything.
The main thing was that after marrying someone, they would have a… sexual life. He could give her the purest form of love and spoil her for a lifetime, but it was harder for him to take off his clothes and pants than to die.
That childhood incident was like a shadow that trapped him. His little self was sitting outside the door while his parents were arguing in the room. He heard the fear of his dearest woman when she mentioned his limbs.
Pei Chuan was a piece of flesh that had come out of Jiang Wenjuan, but even this woman was afraid of and disgusted with him, let alone Yaoyao.
When he had been four years old, Pei Chuan had always believed Jiang Wenjuan's words: to eat well, sleep well, that men don't cry, and when he grew up, his legs would grow back and become whole again. But when he was a little older, he also understood that he could only be like this forever.
He could practice boxing and train his muscles and figure, but his limbs would only shrink and look ugly even if they were massaged every day.
Even he thought they looked extremely ugly, so how could he let that beautiful and innocent girl look at them?
Yaoyao didn’t understand this logic. And as a normal and healthy man, Senior Chen hadn’t had such worries when he’d been with his wife. So none of them understood his struggle and pain.
However, when Pei Chuan had met Bei Yao today, in addition to being stunning, there was also that alluring illusion of youth that made him insane; the unbearable shame when he woke up.
To marry someone, one had to be responsible for them for the rest of one’s life. Sometimes, love alone wasn’t enough.
But who could he talk about these thoughts with? In the end, he could only endure the pain of a blunt knife cutting the meat slowly*.
*t/n: 钝刀子割肉的痛苦 (dùn dāo zǐ gē ròu) is an idiom that means ‘slow action’ or ‘a problem that cannot be solved quickly.’
Pei Chuan couldn’t let go, but a responsible man wouldn’t care only about momentary interest and pleasure.
This was also the reason why he had never touched Bei Yao.
If one day she understood that he couldn’t even give her a normal life, she would know how terrible he was. The more he loved the more he worried. He even feared that she would look at him a little differently.
Pei Chuan sometimes thought that it would be good if she wasn’t so beautiful. But she had the most beautiful features: young, and an attractive body, so much so that he was miles away from her. He, on the other hand, didn’t even possess the most basic conditions to match her.
Normal people wouldn’t understand.
And it was impossible for those who understood to say it to others.
At the end of this conversation, only Senior Cheng thought that he had successfully persuaded the young man. Cheng Zhenghai was really optimistic about this young man. Pei Chuan could basically make any kind of software—he was the master of all. When he didn’t understand something, he would study it seriously.
The one thing about the “Seventh Prison” was that it couldn’t be compared to all the universities outside. There were excellent physics professors, biochemists, and even the disciples of the former researcher of the H bomb.
Each one of them was a genius, a big figure in each of their fields, and the mistakes they had made could be corrected.
As soon as people like Pei Chuan got out, he would be settled in becoming a scientist. With his skill in writing code, money was something easy to make.
Then one day, Cheng Zhenghai remembered something important. “Pei Chuan, ah, does your little girl know that you’re so capable?”
Cough, cough… his ability to make money was against the sky.
Pei Chuan's expression was cold, and his thin lips faintly uttered three words. "She doesn’t know."
Cheng Zhenghai, who was only casually asking, hadn’t expected such an answer.
Senior Cheng's eyes widened. "Then, does she know that you can get out next year?" She should know that she doesn’t have to wait for you for long, right?
Pei Chuan was silent for a moment. “She thinks there are six years left.”
“……”
Cheng Zhenghai didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “You brat.”
What can I say? Which family’s baby girl is that? She doesn’t know anything. Will she also be like the people outside, thinking that once Pei Chuan gets out, he’ll be a poor boy with nothing? Oh, it’s truly difficult for people who’ve been in jail to find a job.
Besides, she’s stupid enough to think that she has to wait for him for six years.
Pei Chuan, are you not afraid that when you suddenly get out, the girl will be angry and dump you?
Moreover, she’s willingly waiting for a “poor boy with nothing for six years”. What kind of baby girl has Pei Chuan picked up, ah!
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