CH 240

I touched his hand carefully before it fell off like a dream. I could now turn around to face Amor. 

“Ashley.”

Not only were his eyes red and puffy, the rest of his face was also a mess– the likes of which I had never seen from him before. My heart quickly dropped. 

“What’s wrong? Why? Did something happen? You look sick so let’s first freshen you up before we talk. Hm?”

I tried to brush my fingers past his puffy red eye bags. But he grabbed my hand before I could and pulled it away.

“Why do you…”

He clasped my hand before bringing it to his face. His gaze looked so desperate I couldn’t turn away. His lips felt freezing cold. It seemed like he had been outside for quite some time now. Did he come here to see me and stayed outside waiting for a long time? Why? His lips were trembling. As our foreheads touched, I noticed the tears falling as clear as day from his eyes. (1)

Ah. What should I do? Was he really hurt? Why would he cry if he wasn’t hurt? I could feel his heat on my forehead. His tears trailed down to the tip of his chin. I tried to wipe them off but I couldn’t do anything with my hands caught. All I could do was wiggle my toes. 

His lips touched my skin again for another prolonged moment. The tears that were collecting at the end of his eyelashes made him look pitiful. I watched as my hand fell after he let go of it. 

“Why do you always…”

I couldn’t manage to catch his expression since he had lowered his head and covered his face with his hand. I could only see his sky-coloured hair which drooped down sadly as it reflected the pale moonlight. Drip drop. His tears continued to fall to the ground. 

“I was curious if you were going to say that you were alright.”

As he placed his hand on my shoulder, I paused. 

“Even when you weren’t alright at all, even when your situation could get worse at any moment, you always forced yourself to smile as if you had resolved yourself to.”

Amor slowly raised his head. 

“I hate that”

With the most painful expression on his face, he pulled me into an embrace. 

“Still, that…”

A very tight embrace. 

“Must have been because nobody answered.”

Hearing his voice alone broke my heart. I could only blink and wonder what was going on. But I couldn’t possibly know if he never said it out loud. So, I slowly raised my arms to hug him back. I swept my hands down his back as I closed my eyes to the warmth that filled me. 

He forced out a raspy voice.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“… Did you come here because you couldn’t sleep?”

“Yes.”

Amor whispered as he continued to hug me. 

“Because I missed you.”

Just when I thought I’d like to see his face again, Amor let me go which allowed me to look up. His eyes were as red as ever, looking as if he had a fever. I could also feel his exhaustion. 

“Actually, Ashley. I had a dream.

“A dream?”

“Of the times when you cried at me to remember.”

“… Brother.”

“I… saw how you screamed at me to remember.”

I paused. As if I had become tongue-tied, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I wanted to say that I had no idea what Amor was talking about but part of my head understood. But another part hoped that I had understood him wrong. No, did I really want myself to be wrong? Really? 

“I’m sorry. For realising it so late. For answering you so late.”

I recalled how I had grabbed him and shouted desperately at him countlessly to remember. Brother, could you please remember me? Please?

The hope I had longed for as I cried out for help had stacked up before amounting to nothing as one regression became dozens. Castor had also been aware of the memories that I thought only I knew. They were memories only known by the one who died and the one who killed her. Those memories had led me to an abyss. And now, Amor, Amor…

“I remember.”

As he brought back the hopes I had longed for back then…

“Everything.”

He spoke. 

I had wondered what it would be like to have someone who also lived through everything with me. I had entertained this thought for a bit. Someone who remembered the same things as me. And would also know of the countless times I died. 

I might have begged for help if that person ever existed. To end all these regressions. But I knew that was something nobody could help with. But after going through them repeatedly, I just hoped that person would know what I had been through. Because that was what me from the past wanted. 

I had just wanted someone to know. To know that I wasn’t going insane. 

“I want you to remember. The world only you and I knew.”

That was what Castor said as he told me that he remembered.

The man who killed me could remember me dying to him infinitely. What else could be more disparaging than that? I was left in despair.  I might have struggled even more just to forget. 

The times when I had been hellishly lonely.

“Really…”

I licked my lips a few times. I barely brought up the words I had been struggling to say. 

“Do you really remember? Me?”

My cries back then didn’t manage to reach anyone. My screams had been swallowed up by the silence of time. All I had was a diary that was neither human nor object. The diary had been my only companion. The only thing that never changed regardless of the regression was the main perpetrator behind my despair. It was ironic. 

“Really, are you really serious?”

The possible resentment I might have for him for only remembering that now or the question as to why he could remember them never passed my mind. The only thing I desperately wondered about was whether or not this was true. 

“I do.”

Amor looked upon me remorsefully. 

“I remember everything.”

He held my hand as it hung by my side as if he, too, had been wandering around lost like me. He pulled me into his arms. The air around us was cold but his arms definitely felt warm. 

“I’m sorry.”

He emphasised every syllable. 

“For only remembering it now.”

He repeated himself. Just then, I felt something hot under my eyes.

“Why don’t you just cry?”

There was once Amor had been frustrated with me.

“Those pair of dead eyes are not the best to talk to.”

He had asked me if I was going to cry. I couldn’t reply him back then. Because I couldn’t come up with a reason either. The reason why I couldn’t cry. 

A huge stone had replaced my heart. And it blocked the spring from which water had sprouted. So the devastated wasteland remained devastated. There were some who took pity on me and provided me with some rain but their love was just a shower. The rain had been sweet and sugary but my heart quickly reverted to wastelands. The water had just flowed beneath the stone. 

“You always look like you’re neither smiling nor crying”

I never wanted to be unable to cry. 

“Brother…”

Even if everyone asked me to cry, I could never fulfil their wishes because I had lost the ability to cry a long time ago. Why didn’t anyone ask? I had never wanted to be this way. Even the way I was now. I never wanted to lose the things I had to. 

“I don’t re-resent you.”

If I resented him, I wouldn’t be able to move forward.

“I never re-regretted it either.”

If I regretted it, I would never be able to see my future.

“I can’t c-cry.”

Because I would be acting weak.

“It’s alright.”

This warmth that filled me to the brim felt both cosy and distant. No, rather,  it was unfamiliar. I could feel the stone in my heart shaking. Amor’s words shook the stone that had taken its place as my heart for so long now. 

“You can cry.”

For so long, no one knew the reason behind my tears. And when I regressed, they knew nothing. As I watched as people who knew nothing became bewildered at my tears, my tears stopped. One day, I eventually stopped crying.

“Because I know why you cry.”

No one mourned my deaths. No, even I couldn’t grieve for my deaths. My deaths had been lost along with my regressions. My deaths had vapourised into steam only to return as nightmares. 

One by one, tears started steaming down my cheeks. 

“Ah…”

When I tried to cover my cheeks, a soft hand grabbed it to stop me. 

“It’s alright.”

Was it because I couldn’t wipe off my tears with my hand like I used to? Tears were trickling down my cheek again. Drip. Drip drop. Since when had I ever cried this much? So much flowed down my cheeks to the point it was impossible to hold back. They weren’t stopping. Amor just stared at me as he held my cheek. 

“I’m sorry.”

My tears pooled in his fingers. But tears continued to fall without a break.

“For not being very good at comforting.”

When a finger wiped a tear away, another took its place. Still, he continued to wipe them off. 

“I had never consoled anyone in my life before.”

That made sense. The things Amor had been through must have been too cruel and heartless for any young man to endure. He had long been neglected and abused. For a long time, he had been stuck knowing only loneliness and pain until they became natural to him. 

I held the hem of Amor’s clothes carefully. As I stared at him with my eyes dripping with tears, his green eyes were stained with guilt.

Why could Amor remember my deaths? Because he had witnessed my death before? Because he was a strong templar? I was relieved that Amor, out of all people, was the one who remembered. But at the same time, I felt bad. 

“Brother.”

My deaths had made me lonely and unhappy. And Amor was used to being lonely and unhappy. How did he feel when he saw his own misfortune through others? 

“I have lost something precious to me.”

The few memories I had of being loved and happy in my own world and the people I loved. And my appearance. And my name. 

“Many things precious to me.”

The memories I had hanging out with Dane, Fleon and Ray. The memories I had of Hannah teaching me how to sing sweetly, smile widely and cry sadly. 

“I had lost them.”

The moon shone brightly. Perhaps it was because the moon hanging on the Empire’s sky was always round, the night was always bright. So, I could see his every blink with one glance. 

“Even if I were to cry like this today,”

Even if I were to weep like this tonight, I would still have to wake up tomorrow.

“I need to wake up.”

Just like how drunk people don’t lie on pavements for the rest of their lives, I needed to wake up. Getting drunk was the same as crying. I smiled with tears in my eyes. 

“I didn’t want to lose them so I ran which was not easy. To protect them.”

T/N:

(1): At this point, the author didn’t make it the most clear but it’s most likely he kissed her hand. I mean, the author would have made it more obvious if they actually kissed… right?