CH 4

Dependence and Degradation

No lights were switched on and the curtains were drawn.

The deep blue night sky was reflected in the transparent window, and the moonlight came in, filling the room with brightness.

The only things that were clearly discernible were each one's faces as the melodious notes jumped in the darkness.

"Zhize, tell me, what are you anxious about?"

"I can't say."

"Work, life, or love?"

"It's messy."

"How messy?"

"Whenever I close my eyes, they all jump out at me. Reason goes out the window and I start getting headaches."

"What are they?"

"Grim faces of pain, hisses of despair, looks of disappointment, vicious curses."

"Why are these there?"

"If I stick to the law, I must discard a part of morality... The law has no mercy."

"That is true, and you have done well."

"The law is not forgiving." Yi Zhize looked blankly out of the window into the night: "Sometimes I wonder if I've completely lost my moral ground. Once, on New Year's Eve, I watched as they pinned a father to the dinner table and handcuffed him. His children blinked innocently and asked me, ‘What has Dad done wrong' and 'Can you let him go? Can we talk about any misunderstandings tomorrow?' How can I say that this father is the key to me winning this case and that I personally suggested the arrest on New Year's Eve?"

"You're just defending fairness and the law."

"There was a previous client who was a very good student, like a sister. She was tricked into taking on a huge debt that I could have helped her with, but just as I arrived, she tried to kill herself." Yi Zhize's voice began to tremble, "I still remember the last look she gave me, it was clearly filled with remorse and reluctance, clearly filled with pleas for help. But I couldn't help her, and she died."

"You did all you could."

"And much, much, much more... I even feel like I have blood on my hands."

“Zhize, why do you want to be a lawyer?"

Yi Zhize paused for a long moment: "It's my dream."

"A dream, isn't it a beautiful thing?"

"Yes."

"I think you're a lot like the courtroom."

"What?"

"The silver scales."

Yi Zhize was guided out of his tedious negative anxiety, "Scales?"

"En,” Ou Tingyun explained with great patience, "trying to maintain the balance between law and morality, cloaked in a world of evil and mundane desires. Do you know what it symbolises?"

"Divine and inviolable justice and fairness."

"Some may think that the balance is wavering and indecisive, but I do not think so. It is merely the process necessary for the scales to think and judge.” Ou Tingyun whispered, "Your anxiety is a product of this process. There is no need to avoid it, it will move from confusion to firmness, will it not?"

“Hmm."

"The silver is your armour, the weight is your sword, the court is your battlefield."

"I do not need to be anxious, I just need to practise." Yi Zhize's keen eyes were fixed on him, "Thank you, Professor."

"You're welcome, but next time, you can call me..."

"Thank you, Teacher."

"You're welcome, Zhize."

"It's late, I..."

"If you don't mind, it wouldn't be a bad idea to stay overnight."

Yi Zhize pursed his lips nervously, "No need."

"As you can see, my home is large, with plenty of rooms, good internet speed, is comfortable and pleasant, and most crucially,” Ou Tingyun smiled at him, "I can even hypnotise you if you wish."

Yi Zhize looked at him calmly, "Why?"

"You are my patient."

"You have many patients."

"I am your teacher."

"I am not your student."

“Zhize, are you still anxious now?"

"No."

"You've made me anxious."

Yi Zhize laughed and said, "What should I do then? Can a teacher treat himself?"

"That won't work.” Ou Tingyun explained, "You are my lawyer, so naturally I treat you differently. If I get to know you well, I can use you for free later."

“Okay."

"You've agreed to stay?"

"No." Yi Zhize said, "Next time, I'll bring a change of clothes."

"Is Mr. Yi treating my house like a sanatorium?"

“En."

Ou Tingyun's eyes brightened, “Okay, you're always welcome."

———

It was about ten o'clock at night when he got back to his house.

The talk therapy with Ou Tingyun had worked well and he was now almost free of anxiety.

Even though he was still outwardly an iceberg beauty, he was in a happy mood on the inside.

A letter was slipped into the potted plant at the entrance to the house.

Yi Zhize picked up the yellow envelope, on which his name was written in red marker.

Who could it be?

Opening the door and taking off his jacket, Yi Zhize first poured himself a glass of water.

Holding the glass of water, he went to the sofa and tore open the letter, which contained a photograph.

The photo was a street view of the city, and on the back was a line that read:

[September 29, 2002, Lijing Road]

A severe headache exploded and Yi Zhize's hand holding the photo trembled slightly.

Something called out to him, but nothing came to mind.

He restrained the physical pain and carefully went to identify the location on the photo.

It was definitely not A City. He had never seen a place like this in A City.

What had happened on September 29, 2002?

Why had someone sent this to him?

The anxiety that Ou Tingyun had just finished de-escalating for him came back with a thousand-fold surge.

Yi Zhize hurriedly got up, knocking over the glass of water in his hand, the droplets soaking into the photograph as if it were raining on the street inside.

September 29, 2002, rainy night, Lijing Road.

Yi Zhize felt breathless, and he unbuttoned his shirt, but it did nothing at all.

He put the photograph in a drawer in his study and tried not to recall any information about it.

After showering, he lay down on his bed, took the pills on his bedside and swallowed a few of them.

Under the effect of the drug, he fell asleep.

He had a dream.

In the dream, he was a child.

It was a stormy night and the next day was his birthday.

His mother was holding his hand, holding an umbrella with him as they strolled down the street.

"Lijing Road! There's a cake shop here, it's delicious!"

“Ze Ze is such a little glutton."

"But it's really good, I like walnut cakes the best."

A few cyan flashes of lightning cut through the night and there was an explosive boom in the ears.

The sound of emergency brakes resounded through the air, alongside icy rain, screams and panicked cries for help.

Blood, blood, everywhere...

Yi Zhize awoke with a jolt, tears having long since wet the pillow.

He touched the wetness on his face and silently pulled a tissue and wiped away as much of it as he could.

When he closed his eyes, his mind was filled with an endless cycle of broken fragments.

Can't recall, can't remember.

Only the bone-chilling pain that ripped through his heart.

What to do?

What can I do?

Help me.

Who can save me?

Yi Zhize touched the spot where his heart was beating and thought, 'Why don't I just die?'

His thoughts were scattered, one moment thinking of his childhood experiences, the next thinking of the dossier for tomorrow's court session.

One moment it was a chaotic and distorted scene, the next it was the sky he had seen in the library at university.

No, he still couldn't die.

It wasn't time yet.

He took out his phone, awakened the screen and dialled a series of numbers.

The clock read 1:20 AM.

He didn't expect it to be answered.

After only three cold beeps, a lazy voice came through: “Mr. Yi? It's the middle of the night."

At the sound of his voice, Yi Zhize's throat tightened for no apparent reason.

Ou Tingyun said to him, "We haven't seen each other for a few hours and you miss me already? Hmm?"

Yi Zhize restrained the torment of his headache and the surge of emotions and said, "Teacher, I'm sorry to disturb you so late."

"I've already been woken up by you, so if you ask me, you might as well just stay with me."

Yi Zhize took a deep breath: "I'm in a terrible state, please help me."

In the silence of the night, his tone was as flat as it could be: "Teacher, please."