CH 11

Taking a piss in the presence of one person is no different for me than taking a piss in the presence of a group of people.

Emotionally speaking, I want him to let go of me and get out of here this instant. But rationality tells me to be patient, to let go, that I cannot do this alone.

Emotion and rationality are tangling and tearing at each other, sending my mind into utter chaos.

Those days when I was lying in a hospital bed, unable to move, are the memories I wish to recall the least in my life. And now, it feels like I have gone back to that time. That time when I was not a ‘living person’, but merely a ‘living corpse’.

Having self-respect and feeling of shame are things that are not needed for a ‘living corpse’,  being ‘alive’ is all that he possesses.

I stand still for a long time, and then in a very faint voice, I say to Shang Muxiao, “Don’t look…”

Don’t look at me in such a sorry and embarrassing state.

Shang Muxiao probably thinks that I am being a bit overdramatic. He snorts and turns his head to the side.

“Oh. As you wish then.”

This is really a pain in the ass. Still and all, it is better to just get this over with, rather than prolong the pain. I need to address this physical urge of mine as soon as possible before he gets more impatient.

Having an unsupple hand because of the wound, it takes a few tries for me to undo the zip.

The sound of secretion can be heard throughout the bathroom and as my system feels relaxed, I also find myself trembling uncontrollably.

I try to stem the tide of the sound, but to no avail. In the same vein as a cat under a stress reaction, I too, have no control over my body at all.

The hand on my waist tightens, and without turning around, Shang Muxiao asks me in confusion, “Why are you trembling?”

I tremble all the more at his words and inadvertently smear a few drops of pale yellow liquid on the toilet seat.

This is like — the more one fears something to happen, the more it will come true.

I stare dazedly at the yellow liquid. I feel like my body is slowly crumbling, bit by bit, as my ashen soul rises into mid-air and looks on at the situation woodenly. I look at this clown in front of me, a man struggling to hold on to his last shred of dignity, only to have it go against him.

I bite hard on my lower lip, trying to save my precariously frayed nerves by distracting myself with pain.

Because of the trembling, it has become a big task to close the zip after tucking back the organ that has done its excretion. Moreover, it still fails to zip smoothly, as if it really means to be against me.

I gradually lose my patience and start to vigorously tug at the rebellious zip, wishing I could rip it off instantly and make it out of my sight.

I feel a slight pain in my palm, it should be the wound opening up again.

“Not done yet?” Shang Muxiao keeps getting no response from me and cannot help but turn his head, just in time to see the sight of me tussling with the zip.

“I…” I stop and look down, my eyes falling on the few drops of piss on the toilet seat, and say rather calmly, “I can’t zip up.”

Shang Muxiao is quiet for a moment before letting out a brief, soft sigh, in response to which my eyelids twitch.

I know this kind of sigh very well; it usually follows when one’s patience runs out.

A bitter taste spreads in my mouth. As I am about to try again, Shang Muxiao suddenly picks me up, walks out of the bathroom, and puts me on the bed.

Then, he heads back to the bathroom.

I lie back on the bed, using both of my hands to finally get the zip up that I just couldn’t pull up earlier for any reason.

The ceiling lights are somewhat blinding. I have no idea what Shang Muxiao has gone back to do, whether he has seen the ‘crime evidence’ left behind. I just want to hide myself.

I repented. I should not have allowed Shang Muxiao to be close to me, nor should have I thought that this was merely a child’s game to pass the boredom or an innocent bet.

I should have stayed away from him, I should have stayed away from everyone.

I wrap myself up in the quilt, forming a huge cocoon. This dark and airtight space is a bit suffocating, but it helps to calm me down a little.

There is no other way to hide, no other way to escape. I can only paralyse myself in this way, fooling myself that this ‘bulwark’ is safe and that no one can ever get in.

Shang Muxiao exits the bathroom as the sound of footsteps draws nigh.

“Don’t you feel smothered?” He chuckles at the sight of me and approaches to tug at the quilt. I also tug at it for dear life, not letting him succeed.

“Call off the bet, I concede,” I say to him from under the quilt.

A moment of silence falls outside. Then, Shang Muxiao’s somewhat amused voice rings out, “Simply because you relieved yourself in my presence, likewise on the toilet seat?”

I close my eyes and wrap myself up tighter.

“Are you going to stay there forever?”

I make no reply. I feel very safe hiding in this ‘bulwark’.

“It’s not like anyone else is going to know, what in the world are you so bothered about? I thought you wouldn’t care what people thought of you.” With brute force, he yanks the quilt off the top of my head, and leaves me with my face uncovered.

I glower at him, and say in a hoarse voice, “Beat it.”

I do not care what other people think, but I have my own feelings, and at the moment, I am feeling very low.

He freezes, seemingly not expecting me in this state.

“You’re crying?”

I definitely am not crying, but I do tend to get red-eyed when I get emotional and look as if I’m about to cry, which often leads to misunderstandings.

“I’m not.” I turn my face away from him.

Shang Muxiao sits down on the bed, not saying anything for a couple of minutes, before finally giving in.

“Fine, fine, let’s call it quits. Let’s call it quits, yes? We can call it even, no winner or loser.” He says in a drawn-out voice, sounding quite unwilling.

I look back at him and ask, “Where are the car keys?”

He digs into his pockets and then tosses the car keys onto the bedside table.

“Wipe your hands.” He tosses me the wet towel he has been clutching in his hand and then heads into the bathroom for the third time. By the sound of the movement, he should be off to wash up.

After breakfast, Shang Muxiao and I set off back to Qingwan. I do not wish to talk on the way, he’s also wise enough to not bother me.

My hand had been re-dressed. The wound had stuck to the gauze which leaked a lot more blood when it was torn off.

When putting the second piece of gauze on me, Shang Muxiao suddenly apologises.

If I hadn’t seen his mouth move, I would have wondered if I was just hearing things.

“Please forgive me.” He looks up at me and blows at my wound. “Let me blow on it so that it won’t hurt as much.”

I obviously cannot feel his breath because of the gauze applied there, but when he blows, my muscles twitch involuntarily, as if they feel pain.

I draw my hand back, somewhat fearing that I might have hurt a nerve, but it never recurs after that one time.

On the side, Shang Muxiao asks, “Do you forgive me? Professor Bei.”

Children have always liked to go into the whys and wherefores, questioning things for them to understand, but adults have too many qualms to be reckless.

Although he is one hell of an asshole, like a true forgiving adult, I finally accept his apology, even though my ‘mhn’ sounds rather forced.

By the time we arrive at my apartment, it is already almost noon. Shang Muxiao’s blue and white sportbike is parked in the same place, like a serene beauty that the passers-by cannot help but take a good look at.

“I’m off then, let’s hang out again next time.” While putting on his helmet and twisting the throttle, Shang Muxiao finally speaks to me for the first time since the return trip.

After all that has happened, he still expects a next time?

“Drive safely.” Saying a forced farewell to him, I head into the elevator without looking back.

Returning to the familiarity of my home, where I am clearly only away for one night, feels like a lifetime ago.

I take a short rest in the living room and then head into the bathroom to take a shower. Relying on the fact that my legs cannot feel anything, I ignore the wound and let the water wash over it until it starts to turn whitish.

After a refreshing shower, I lay down on my bed, ready to catch up on my sleep, when I suddenly remember that I have a psychological support group to go to this evening.

I give Liao-jie a call and tell her that I am feeling a bit under the weather and cannot join the group for this week, to which she expresses her understanding and concern for me.

I then hang up the call, feeling even more tired.

I sleep through the day and wake up at 5 p.m.

I open a takeaway app, wanting to order one for myself, when a call from Bei Yan cuts in on the screen.

With a sobbing voice, he asks me to pick him up, saying that he has had a fight with our parents and does not want to go home anymore.

He is brought up with high expectations and has always been under strict control. He must have to have three meals a day, take extra classes, and even his time after school must be arranged, to the extent that even his friendships have to be vetted.

Looking at him is like watching myself as a child.

One son fails, and they raise another in the same way. It is as if we are not living people to them, but mere puppet toys rolling off a factory.

I tell him to stay where he is, and that I will come to him soon, and after making sure he will do as I have said, I lift the quilt and get out of bed, when I suddenly freeze at my wounded leg which I have left to dry out.

It has only been a few hours, but now it has started to cause inflammation and suppuration.

I am in a hurry to be bothered about it, so I hastily wipe away the pus and blood with a tissue, put on gauze, and drive to where Bei Yan is.

I arrive at the place to find out that it is a veterinary hospital.

As soon as I enter, everyone looks at me, then Bei Yan gets up from his seat and runs over to me.

“Ge, you’re here at last.” Bei Yan has grown up a lot in the past two years, but his growth is not in line; it is somewhat the opposite.

A short, stout one with very chubby cheeks.

“What are you doing in such a place?” I ask.

He squirms, not daring to look at me.

“Bei Yan.” I frown.

He gets scared, flinches, and finally tells the truth.

It turns out that he saw a stray dog hit by a car on the road and felt pity for it, so he took it to the hospital himself, and as he had no money, he dared not tell our parents, and called me for help instead. What he said about having a fight with our parents was all smoke and mirrors.

As soon as he finishes explaining, a young veterinarian in green scrubs with a surgical mask on his face comes out of a room and asks who the native dog that was involved in an accident belongs to.

“Mine, mine, it’s mine.” Bei Yan rushes over excitedly.

I tag after him and there I see the name on the veterinarian’s badge as ‘He Weizhou’, so I address him as ‘Dr. He’.

“How’s the dog?”

He Weizhou takes off his mask, revealing a stoic countenance but rather striking features.

“There are fractures in both hind limbs, which have now been cast, but it still needs to be hooked up on an IV drip.” With that, he leads us to the dog who is still sleeping as the anaesthetic is yet to wear off.

The dog is an authentic native dog, probably just over three months old, lying there pitifully with its tongue lolling out, as if dead.

This dog cannot be brought back with us. There is no place for him at either my place or my parents’.

We have no choice but to board it at this hospital for the time being and find another owner for it once it has fully recovered.

Yu Xixi seems to have always wanted a guard dog. I will check with her about this the next time we see each other.

Before leaving, He Weizhou asks for my phone number for easier contact and says he will send me pictures of the dog every so often.

I have just dealt with a certain dog, and now another one comes into the scene.

I motion for Bei Yan to get in the car and drive him home.

“Next time, when you have something to say, say it directly, there is no need to lie to me. Go now. Just say that your extra classes ended late and that there was a traffic jam.”

Bei Yan dawdles out of the car and then asks, “Ge, aren’t you coming in?”

I glance at the familiar yet unfamiliar green iron gate, and shake my head, “Not today, I still have things to do later.”

“Oh.” He looks a little lost. “I’ll go now then.”

He takes out his key and opens the iron door, making his way up the stairs before disappearing from my view.

At this time of the day, every household is already preparing dinner. The area is full of the aroma of meals. My parents should also be waiting for Bei Yan to return for dinner.

I touch my empty stomach, and then I open the takeaway app and order the same meal as before. By the time I reach home, it is already on my doorstep. The rice has all gone unsoft and cold, quite unpalatable.

It is unpalatable but still a shame to just throw it away.

After a few bites, I just cannot eat it anymore and end up throwing it away.