CH 52

Chapter 52 – True Love’s Chance

I don’t believe in love. 

He finished writing it subconsciously, but when he regained his senses and looked over it, the words he had written stung him harshly. What was it? Why did he write this?

Pei Tingsong crossed out the last sentence and scratched it out many times. Later, he simply tore that page from the notebook, crumpled it into a ball, and threw it onto a corner of the table.

From beyond his earphones, he suddenly heard the sound of something breaking outside the window. He stood up and looked out, and saw that there was a figure wandering around on the balcony next door. Fearing that Fang Juexia was bumping around into things again, Pei Tingsong put down his things and went over there, even knocking on the door twice this time.

“What are you doing? Making such big movements.” He deliberately made himself sound like he was complaining, “Terribly noisy.”

Walking over, he saw Fang Juexia cleaning up the fragments on the ground. Pei Tingsong was startled again before he quickly pulled him away. “Hey, don’t use your hands ah.”

“It’s okay, the edges of this flowerpot aren’t very sharp.” Fang Juexia threw the last piece of clay fragment into the trash can. Only then did Pei Tingsong discover that the flowerpot he had broken had held a cactus in it. 

“What are you doing here?” He squatted down and pointed to the fallen cactus. “Retaliation ah?”

“Your imagination sure is rich.” Fang Juexia swept the soil together and transferred it all into a spare flowerpot, but he didn’t really know where to start with this cactus. So he started to instruct Pei Tingsong, “Lift this up.”

“Why me ah?”

“Birds of a feather flock together.” Fang Juexia poked a hole in the soil and said, “Put it here.”

Pei Tingsong pinched a long thorn at the top of the cactus with two of his fingers, and it wobbled into the hole dug by Fang Juexia.

“You’ve been working on these plants this whole time ah.” Pei Tingsong glanced at the Sudoku book Fang Juexia had left on the lazyboy, but what was strange was that there were no numbers written on it, though there did seem to be a line of words written instead. 

“En. And you?” Fang Juexia used his body to block his gaze as he started to pack the soil with both hands. “What were you doing just now?”

“Me?” Pei Tingsong didn’t expect that the topic would shift back onto him and hesitated. Fang Juexia didn’t plan to wait for him to give an answer, instead standing up and closing that Sudoku book. Unexpectedly, he suddenly heard Pei Tingsong say from behind him, “I want to fill in the lyrics for your demo.”

Feeling uncertain, Fang Juexia turned his head and saw Pei Tingsong sitting cross-legged on the ground as he continued, “But I’ve never been in love, I don’t know how to write lyrics for a love song.”

This was the first time that he learned from Pei Tingsong himself that he had never been in love, and it made quite an impact. Fang Juexia sat back on the lazyboy and was silent for a while. “That song is not necessarily a love song.”

Pei Tingsong raised his head and looked at him. Fang Juexia hugged the Sudoku book to his chest and spoke quietly, “After all, based on what you said, I also shouldn’t be able to write love songs.”

By that he meant… He had also never been in love? Pei Tingsong sort of couldn’t believe it; very few girls would not like Fang Juexia’s appearance during his school days, and his personality was warm, aside from those instances when he was dealing with Pei Tingsong and acted a bit cold. 

Pei Tingsong couldn’t help questioning, “Is that really true… I don’t believe there were no girls chasing you at your school.”

“There were. But I didn’t have any time at all.” Fang Juexia’s expression was very frank, and he leaned back. “I started to learn dancing at a very early age. I was very tired every day, but I also had to study hard, and I had to go to the dance studio immediately after school. Later, as you know, my dream of being a dancer failed. Who knew that on the way to school, I would be discovered by one of Astar’s talent scouts and thus became a trainee. At that time, I was also studying and practicing at the same time. I worked hard every day, and I didn’t even have any time to get enough sleep, so how could I have any energy left for puppy love?”

“So you want to date, but you don’t have time to?” Pei Tingsong reasoned, but he still thought that this conclusion wasn’t right. “If you really met someone you liked, you wouldn’t say you couldn’t squeeze out some time to spend with them.”

“I don’t want to.”

Fang Juexia’s answer came out of the blue, short and firm. Pei Tingsong accidentally pricked himself on one of the soft thorns of the cactus, and the thorn sank into his flesh.

He hesitated, but then still asked, “Why?”

A pink and orange cloud was floating in the sky. Fang Juexia stared at it without moving. “Because…”

He hesitated and didn’t know how to tell Pei Tingsong, or whether to tell him at all. Fang Juexia really abhorred the sensation of conducting self-introspection; opening himself up even once ran the risk of there being an emotional breach. 

It was really terrible to lose control. He was afraid that he would become the kind of person who would lose control.

Pei Tingsong noticed something, so he changed the topic himself. “In fact, I also don’t want to.” He then added, “At least, I haven’t wanted to before. I read a psychological paper once that had the sentence, ‘Children’s emotional enlightenment is the reflection of their parents’ feelings.’ As for me, I haven’t really seen or been around my parents since I was a child. It was only when I grew up a bit more that I realized that they didn’t get married out of love.”

Hearing this, Fang Juexia turned around, curling up on the lazyboy as he looked at Pei Tingsong. “Then why did they get married?”

“It’s pretty ironic actually. My mother’s ancestors were the first generation of overseas Chinese immigrants, and they were also very rich while in China. After they immigrated, they did business in the United States for many years. Her family was huge, and counted as what they call ‘old money.’ My grandfather was the youngest and only son of his generation, but he really had no talent for business and also had no interest in it. When he was young, his businesses always failed, and several of his companies went out of business.”

Several companies. Fang Juexia thought—Sure enough they’re rich to easily bear that cost. 

“I felt it was like that. Your grandfather…” He paused after speaking halfway. He had originally wanted to say that his grandfather looked like an urbane gentleman, but in the first place, he had accidentally seen that photo. 

“What about my grandfather?”

Fang Juexia lay across the sofa and shook his head. “I feel like he should be like you ba.”

“He’s much better than me. He had great literary talents, and although his businesses failed, he wrote very good books. He published novels and poetry anthologies under a pseudonym. Later, he didn’t want to do any business and just wanted to live his romantic life.” Pei Tingsong took a deep breath. “My mom was his only child, so she was used to being like a princess; besides having a pretty face, she couldn’t really do anything else. The elders of the family felt that their commercial businesses couldn’t just collapse like that, so they chose a ‘new money’ man to marry her.”

“My grandfather told me that he was very opposed to that decision at that time. It would be very painful for two people who didn’t love each other to be together, and that turned out to be true. Before giving birth to me, they were still reluctantly living together, but after giving birth to me, my mom just started travelling all over the world, enjoying and living the extravagant life she likes. My dad became busy making money, even though he already has so much that we still wouldn’t be able to use it up by our next lifetime.”

Fang Juexia could hardly imagine what it was like to grow up in such a family.

“Then, if you haven’t seen your parents since you were a child, you don’t miss them?”

Pei Tingsong smiled. “I’ve already forgotten what it’s like to miss my parents.” He continued, “I couldn’t stay at home by myself, so my grandfather came to live with me.”

“I later fell in love with hip-hop and thought it was the most effective carrier for emotions in the world. After that, I had even less of a heart to waste myself in constantly fruitless relationships; I just wanted to find an outlet and express myself.”

Fang Juexia finally understood why Pei Tingsong was so contradictory. Like his grandfather, he found himself placed in an inappropriate mold, but his choice when facing this was to resist fiercely—against his parents who had never accompanied him, against the golden cage he was enclosed in—and to pursue what he really liked, regardless of the cost. All of a sudden, he felt like hugging this person. However, he knew that this impulse came from an overflow of his sympathy, and Pei Tingsong might end up cold-shouldering him, so he just sat up, not daring to go forward.

He now knew the reason why Pei Tingsong didn’t believe in love. How could someone believe in something they’ve never seen? 

Pei Tingsong shook his hands and said in a relaxed tone, “In fact, many famous philosophers remained unmarried all their lives. Plato, Descartes, Spinoza, Kant, Schopenhauer, Sartre…. You can’t even count all of them.” Then he seemed to have thought of some pretty good argument, so he added, “Do you know the poet Lermontov? He said something before— ‘I crave for sadness, against my bliss and love, in truth; They sank my mind in idle gladness.’”

This was a very novel and realistic statement.

Fang Juexia repeated what he had just said in his heart and seemed to feel that recounting his memory was really not such a big deal. Although Pei Tingsong didn’t ask, he still chose to open himself up; he didn’t want to be the only listener in such a situation.

“Have I….never mentioned my father?”

Pei Tingsong didn’t expect that Fang Juexia would actually say anything. He had already realized that the word ‘father’ was like an obstacle to Fang Juexia. Every time he spoke, he would habitually avoid using that word. 

“Yes.”

Fang Juexia put his hands on his knees. “He was a very talented dancer before. My mom loved him very much, and they loved each other very much. Just as I told you last time, they were desperate to be together no matter what.”

When it was told like that, it sounded just like a fairy tale love story, or one that was found in poetry. However, Pei Tingsong already knew this one’s ending.

“Later on, they had me, and our family was very happy. Recalling it now, I feel like it is no exaggeration at all to describe my childhood with the word ‘happiness’. I used to be a child who grew up with love as well.” Fang Juexia’s eyes floated towards the last glimmer of light that lit up the sky in the distance, and his Adam’s apple rolled. “I’ve spoken about the matters that happened later  before, how I found out that I had night blindness and then failed to get chosen. This didn’t actually count as being a big blow to our family, but then my father, he got a very good chance, a chance that allowed him to basically change his life.”

Fang Juexia looked at him. “A very famous ballet asked him to play the leading role. He practiced for this ballet for a full four months. I also looked forward to the opening performance every day during that period, counting the days as I went to school, just waiting for that day. I remember it very clearly; at that time, I was lying on my desk and drawing the last X on the calendar when the phone rang, and after hearing just a few sentences, my mom slipped down the wall and sat down on the ground.”

He tried to describe it to Pei Tingsong, gesticulating with both hands. “The ending move at the end of the ballet was a falling action, in which the lead dancer would fall back into a net. At my dad’s last rehearsal before the opening of the show, everything went perfectly, and he finally ran off the stage to fall down, but that net hadn’t been fixed properly.” Fang Juexia’s tone didn’t contain many fluctuations as he said this, it was rather simple and straightforward, as if he was stating a matter completely unrelated to himself. “He fell down from the height of a few meters and broke his leg.”

Pei Tingsong looked at Fang Juexia, trying to find a trace of sadness on his face, so that he could offer words of comfort. But Fang Juexia was too calm, not even showing a slight frown. 

“Not only did he miss the best opportunity and what would have been the highlight of his career, he also couldn’t continue to dance after that. That leg left a lot of problems, basically spelling the end of his career.”

“And then? Did he change careers?”

Fang Juexia pulled at his sleeve, feeling a little cold. “And then… and then, he drank and smoked a lot every day. He smoked right at home, and when my mom told him that it was bad for children, he didn’t care. They quarreled every day, most of the time over me. Once, he got drunk and even told me that I would be a loser just like him in the future. He had been jerked around by the heavens, and I had not been born with the qualifications to dance on a stage.” 

Fang Juexia’s voice finally trembled. He sniffed and continued, “I became very afraid to see him, and afraid of seeing alcohol at home. He once had a quarrel with my mom, and he couldn’t help but hit her. When he sobered up, he held her and cried at the same time. It’s very contradictory, right? That people could actually turn out to be like this.” Saying that, he looked at Pei Tingsong and smiled, before shaking his head.

“My mom still loved him very much, and kept hoping that he would pull himself together. But it didn’t work. He tried again and again, failed again and again, and even started getting involved in illegal drugs. One day, when I came home from school, I found that all the valuable electrical appliances in the house were missing. I thought it was a thief, so I checked what else was missing.” Fang Juexia poked the tips of his slippers with his index finger and then buried his head in his arms. “I saw that all of his clothes in the closet were missing. He never came back after that.”

“Love is truly very fragile and has a short shelf life. Sometimes you can’t wait for it to change, and even a single straw can crush it. ” Fang Juexia was so calm right now that he seemed like an outsider to the whole story. “My mom is still waiting for him even now. She’s not willing to move, so she stays in that small house in Guangzhou. When she’s free, she can look at the door for an entire day. Just for those few short years of happiness, she ended up paying with pain for the rest of her life.”

Pei Tingsong got up, went to crouch in front of Fang Juexia, reached out, and rubbed the top of his head.

“The story I’m telling is very ordinary ba, it’s not as grand as you were looking forward to.”

The beginning of happiness in love stories were all very similar: the lovers burned at each other’s touch, their souls and bodies collided together, they hated that they couldn’t live a lifetime in a second and end their lives in a kiss. However, the final chapters of the tragedies were all different from each other, and they ended grandly, with a sense of ceremony. The thing that tragedies most feared was there being no drama at all, leaving only a sloppy ending. 

Pei Tingsong now understood why Fang Juexia always closed himself off and managed his emotions like a machine; it was because he felt that he had no other choice.

He had spent so many years not only groping in the dark, but had also taken his father as a mirror, one that could only reflect failure. He hid this mirror in his heart and glanced at it from time to time in order to restrain himself.

Pei Tingsong gently rubbed his head, his voice low and gentle as he said, “So that’s why you don’t believe in love, because you’ve lived through a failed case.”

Fang Juexia belatedly felt afraid. He had even cut open the deepest part of himself in front of Pei Tingsong, and had revealed his fragile center. He seemed to have not only said it for Pei Tingsong to hear, but also for himself. 

—Don’t just casually fall into a relationship.

Fang Juexia poked his finger into the ground, and after lowering his head, drew a line as he said to Pei Tingsong and to himself, “You can give many examples of rational numbers, but it’s impossible to recite them all, right?” 

Pei Tingsong nodded. “En.”

“But you know what? Given a number axis, you can take any point, and the probability that the selected point is a rational number is zero.”

Fang Juexia raised his head, and his cool eyes reflected the now completely darkened sky.

“That is the so-called ‘true love.’”

—

The author has something to say:

[On why the probability of getting a rational number from any point on the number axis is zero.]

First we have to clarify what zero means.

This problem is a measure theory problem, which uses logic to estimate zero. It is very difficult for me to explain a mathematical problem in an easy way, because that wouldn’t be rigorous. I suggest that everyone search for it, and there is a lot of theoretical analysis and discussions about this topic. Measure theory is a problem of functional analysis, and children of the mathematics department should have learned it before.

Let’s make it clear that an event with zero probability is not equal to an impossible event. This is a probability problem, and you can also search for specific proofs and theories on it.

Finally, they have become completely honest with each other and have taken a big step forward. TingJue will now begin to heal each other.

They are both in love for the first time, and they are a little different from other children, so they will be a little slower, but they will be more desperate and uncaring about personal danger when they are really in love. [Although ZC didn’t save the manuscript, the memos on her cellphone are full of their conversations after falling in love….]