Chapter 855: HISTORICAL ARCHIVE

Chapter 855: HISTORICAL ARCHIVE

"Andy, where's Chuck and Snoop?"

"They were right behind me."

"Are they coming?"

"I don't know."

"Why not? Why aren't they getting out?"

"Red's dead. He had her. Had her hand. She just dissolved. He was pulling her out and she just dissolved right in his hands, Linus."

"You left my big brother behind?"

"You weren't there, Sally. You didn't hear it."

"Hear what?"

"His scream. I've never heard a man make a noise like that. Never seen a man look like that. Never heard a DOG2.0 howl like that."

"Go back, help him. Someone help me up. I'll go help him myself."

"I don't think he wants help, Franklin. I don't think there's anything he wants now that anyone can give him." - Fall of the Pumpkin Throne. Act III, Scene VIII

WE NOW RETURN TO THE CHARLIE THE MOO MOO POWER HOUR HOLIDAY SPECIAL, IT'S THE GREAT FESTIVE HOLIDAY GOURD, P'THOK! already in progress.

The gourd guardian's body was nothing but whipcord muscle, gristle, and bone. It was reaching forward, toward P'Thok, claws gleaming.

The idling engine roared as P'Thok pulled it from the ground and swung the Terran weapon, twisting from the waist the way he had been taught. The warsteel blade caught supernatural flesh, ripped into it, and spewed blood and gore across the grass as P'Thok sawed the first in half with a single swipe. He braced his feet, wading forward, hacking at the gourd guardians, severing pumpkinheads and arms in equal measure.

Mal'Kawp threw himself through the corn, the cans spewing clear fluid across the dried stalks. The cans were empty and he threw them behind himself as he used his bladearms to part the corn and run through it. The shotgun was empty and he reloaded it quickly as he crossed several lines of corn maze. Behind him the gourd guardians, two giants turkeys, and a handful of malevolent gourds were in hot pursuit, giving out eerie hunting cries.

On top of the burning building, J'Rad was rubbing his vestigal wings and bladearms together, the latter giving off showers of sparks, making high pitched noises that quickly moved through the music scales as he pranced and capered on the hot tin roof, his footpads making booming thudding noises in time with the squeaking and squealing of his bladearms and vestigal wings.

Through the rip in space and reality, the vast creature, a bloated, segmented, orange oval, squished from the top, with a massive green horn of severed vine on the top. It opened its square toothed jaws and bellowed out its rage as the tentacles of green pulled it forward, toward reality.

P'Thok, switching to swinging the cutting bar with one hand, reaching under his poncho to grab the pistol in the shoulder holster. He ripped apart a gourd guardian at the waist as he withdrew the ornately decorated pistol. The orange and white wheels on either side of the decorated plasma chamber began spinning with a tinkling noise.

The last two gourd guardians ran to interpose themselves between P'Thok and the tear in reality.

"NO! NO! KILL HIM!" J'Rad shouted over the din.

Two gourds spit seeds at P'Thok, who ducked and whirled out of the way.

Age and weariness had dropped away. P'Thok felt young again, as if he had yet to land on Terra, as if the years after the War of Terran Aggression had never come to pass.

The seeds missed P'Thok, suspended in orange pumpkin juice, fizzing with carbonation, and hit J'Rad in the chest. A gourd guardian spit purple fire, which P'Thok deflected with the cutting bar, sending it spinning in a tight circle, trailing sparks, to bounce off a huge metal tank full of water that had apples bobbing on the top.

The purple energy hit the gray carapaced Treana'ad in the chest, exploding and leaving him draped with sticky webs of spun sugar.

"NOT ME! THE YUTZ WITH THE CUTTING BAR!" J'Rad yelled, tearing the sticky webs off of his body.

Mal'Kawp stopped at the edge, his footpads skidding on the dirt. He whirled around with a kick and faced the cornfield maze.

The gourd guardians were running through the field, bent at the waist, their jaws and claws leading the way. The two massive turkeys, bigger even than an Elder Matron, were waddling after Mal'Kawp. They saw him and gave a great bass roar, flapping their wings, stirring up the dust from the cornfield maze. The malevolent gourds were crashing through the maze, their tentacles getting tangled on the cornstalks.

Mal'Kawp pulled out his lighter, inscribed with "FORT ERWIN JOINT SERVICES BASE" and the date of his graduation on it and thumbed the striker.

The flame was yellow at the end, blue at the wick.

"Now to make a cornfield sound like a dog," he intoned, bending down.

The turkey screeched, the gourds snarled, and the gourd guardians screamed as Mal'Kawp touched the lighter to the fuel.

The fire bloomed with a WOOF, running up the trail and into the dry cornstalks. Corncobs left began to explode, the gasoline burned with a roar, and the stalks and leaves caught instantly.

J'Rad turned and stared at the burning field.

"HOW DARE YOU?" he screeched. He held out the book, ignoring the flames.

P'Thok tossed the grenade and ran to the side.

J'Rad gestured. "I WILL..."

The roof collapsed as Mal'Kawp exhaled a cloud of smoke.

J'Rad vanished.

The X.A.V.A. burst out of the cloud, running for the horse trough, its tongue hanging out as it bled off heat through rapid panting, the slowing barrels of the tribarrel glowing red at the tips.

Vines as thick as mules squirmed out of the rip in time and space, grabbing onto stumps, fences, and everything else they could reach. P'Thok danced back as the great vile beast heaved itself forward.

It was partially out of the rent in reality.

Putting the tip of the blade back into the ground and steadying it with one bladearm, P'Thok reached into his pocket, digging for something, even as he hefted the little ornate plasma pistol, staring at the creature.

The DOG2.0 stopped at the water trough, standing on its hind legs and began slurping at the water.

SLORP SLORP SLORP

Mal'Kawp walked forward, slowly, toward the burning building, stopping long enough to pick up a bucket.

The great vile beast heaved itself forward.

P'Thok pulled out a little cork with a string, taking the time to hook the string to the little hook under the ejection port of the pistol. He tapped the cork in.

Mal'Kawp slowed down, scooping water out of the trough and into the bucket.

**X.A.V.A. is goodboi** the DOG2.0 panted even as it slurped up water with a long red tongue.

"Yes, yes you are," Mal'Kawp said, puffing smoke rings out from the top of his boots.

P'Thok leveled the ornate little plasma pistol, the black and white wheels spinning up. He leveled it over one bladearm, steadying it, and closed one eyelid as he sighted through the open air sights.

The creature roared.

Mal'Kawp stopped only a few feet from the inferno, feeling the heat wash over him, taking a split second to relish the contrast of the heat from the flames consuming the burning building and the cold of the winter night on his back.

The beast screamed.

P'Thok pulled the trigger. The little wheels made fizzwheeee sounds. Little sparks curled and spiralled off the plasma chamber. A little tinkling tune sounded out.

*POP*

The cork flew out, hit the end of the string only a foot from the pistol, and dropped.

Mal'Kawp opened his mouth to suggest that P'Thok use something stronger.

The entire front of the pumpkin creature vanished.

The tear in reality got wider as a hole big enough to fly a cargo hauler appeared in it.

The ground blew apart in a widening and deeping fan in front of P'Thok, even the bedrock tearing up.

Everything in a 15 degree arc in front of P'Thok, out to five hundred feet, was suddenly turned into superheated plasma.

That exploded.

Mal'Kawp felt himself leaning back, felt the chitin on his face deform and impossibly flap.

The burning building collapsed.

The burning cornfield maze went out.

The plume of burning psuedo-matter colored green and red clawed two miles into the sky, a series of cones stacked on top of one another, getting successively smaller.

The burning rip in reality collapsed.

Red and white swirled candies wrapped in clear cellophane rained from the sky, along with the same red and white striped candy, fashioned into canes. Gumdrops and chocolate bumps showered down, along with ribbons and strips of fruit pressed into thin ribbons and rolled up. Juice boxes showered down, along with snowflakes and thin strips of shiny metallic looking plastic threads.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE IMPORTANT MESSAGES!

CRUSADE>I WANT ONE OF THOSE! NO, I WANT TWO! NO, THREE! NO, I SHALL ARM AN ENTIRE REGIMENT OF TROOPS IN RED AND WHITE FUR TRIMMED ARMOR ARMED WITH SUCH WEAPONS!

TELKAN>