CH 33

Chaotic Feelings

Shan Shan saw me, and his evil smile became more pronounced: “Lin Lin, I haven’t seen you for many days, and I have a whole new level of respect for you. You are worthy of being called the the little hegemon of the military.”

The little hegemon of the military was my honorary title when I was little. I laughed: “A real man doesn’t boast about his past achievements. No noblemen bring up the embarrassments of the past.”

Shan Shan ignored me, and only pressed on Fang Yu Ke’s body, pretending to tear apart his shirt incessantly. While he pulled, he yelled with a girly voice: “Why are there so many buttons! Tear it all off for me!”

People want to save face, and trees also want their bark. This was more than I could bear, and I could not endure it anymore. The tiger in me came out and I screamed: “Fang Yu Ke, in the future wear T-shirts for me. You aren’t allowed to have buttons on, okay?”

Fang Yu Ke laughed without getting mad.

This kind of a laugh made me feel embarrassed. I reaffirmed my dimple fetish, but why did a face without any dimples shown still dazzle my eyes? Was this a soul-sucking person?

This was a dangerous omen.

When Northern people looked at the Summer Palace, they viewed the mountains, the water, and the little lakes in between. As for us three who had seeped in the influence of the pure wives and immortal mythologies, to Southerners who had grown up with mountains on either side of us, the Summer palace already had no appeal. In the end, we played around until our interest grew dull. Fang Yu Ke and I rested in the Long Corridor of the Summer Palace while Shan Shan could only sit across from us, all alone, due to his huge girth, as he ate Taiwanese sausages happily.

According to common sense, when I couldn’t think through something, I would choose to put it to one side, and no longer think about it. But last night, the discussions that I had with Julie still lingered on within my head, as they spiraled around in high altitudes, incapable of landing anytime soon. Going to the bottom of all this, had I really changed my feelings for another, or was this only a pure accident? Even if I was dumb, I couldn’t have gotten to the point of not knowing who I liked. Xiao Xi was like a preserved plum candy. After steeping in yellow wine, it was clear and pungent. After finishing it, my heart and stomach became warm. Later, my energy became sufficient. As for Fang Yu Ke…..

“Hello? Why are you staring blankly?” Fang Yu Ke pushed me.

“I am thinking about one of the most important questions of my life.” I ignored him and continued to analyze.

“Alas, your expression when you ponder can even empty to this point! Your expression is the same when you use your brain and when you don’t. You have some potential of being a pig.” Fang Yu Ke purposefully dragged out the word “pig”.

I rolled my eyes and disdained talking to him.

“Oh, sorry.” Fang Yu Ke paused, “Speaking of potential, I have underestimated you. What you have there is a pig temperament that emits from your inner core.”

I regretted putting him and Xiao Xi in the same standards. I had really blindly worried about everything. How was it possible to like someone with a malicious tongue? I completely stopped speaking and watched to see how badly he could take me down.

“You’re mad? Look at how cute McDull [4] is. What’s so bad about being a pig? You don’t have to think about things. When you’re unhappy you can sleep. When you sleep, you can snore. Isn’t it the life you’re pursuing?”

“How would you know what life I’m pursuing? My dream is—” I looked up at the sky at a 45 degree angle with a grand feeling that came to an end spontaneously. I really had no dreams. Right now, the furthest dream I had was graduating. As for other things, I had not ha time to consider—or I hadn’t known what to do yet.

I lowered my head, dismayed. Maybe I really was the realistic version of McDull. McDull had once said: “It’s pretty easy for me to behave with integrity. If there are no fish balls, coarse noodles are good. If there are no coarse noodles, fish balls are good.”

But the reality was that I couldn’t get fish balls or coarse noodles. The heavens said, fish balls and coarse noodles had already all been preordered by someone else.

I bitterly laughed: “You have really hit the target. Sure enough, I am just a pig. Fortunately you still found a cute representative so that my heart can somewhat stabilize.”

Fang Yu Ke looked at the distant lake and smiled: “McDull has a voracious desire, so he is stupid. What about you?”

I finally knew what Fang Yu Ke was like. He was like the quote from Tang Bohu [1] “Having a smile on one’s face as one falls forward within half a step” [2]. Using honey, Sichuan fritillary bulb, Chinese bulb flower, and Tianshan snow lotus herb to compound the medicine, without refridgeration and no preservation, besides the fierce toxicity, it still tasted very good. Fang Yu Ke said things very maliciously, to make you unable to bear it, but in the end, he would always give you a bit of a sigh, along with a strand of warmth.

I was perplexed again.

Sure enough, McDull had a voracious desire so he was so clumsy. I couldn’t help but agree with him.

I had a new outlook towards Fang u Ke who had brought a good deal of inconvenience to my life. For example, no longer talking wantonly. After we met each other it had painstakingly lessened. In the past, I had not had any misgivings about my body, but now my opinions towards my body had become a solid zero.

At first, Fang Yu Ke didn’t care until I didn’t take part in the swimming training for two times in a row. Only then, did he sense something peculiar.

He harshly ordered me downstairs and the moment he opened his mouth, his words were mean: “Did you eat the wrong medicine recently? Last time I called you a pig, and you kept a grudge for so long. In the past, you weren’t so petty.”

I grabbed my shoes and kicked a rock fiercely to the other side of the path, not speaking.

Fang Yu Ke was a little anxious: “You’re really still angry? In the past, you said more excessive things and now you’re so frail? Do you want me to give you a riddle? If I say some more corny jokes then I can pass?”

I didn’t know what to say. Every time he opened his mouth, it was always about the past. Right now I was a little confused. I didn’t understand if I liked him or not? I could confess my love one time for life, or I could be rejected one time for life. Why not be like me and Xiao Xi, willing to be common friends. I didn’t think that speaking to him would become the opposite person’s burden.

Fang Yu Ke mimicked my appearance on the bus and swayed his head as he said: “A tortoise walks on top of some poop, but only leaves 3 footprints. Why?”

“Because one of his feet is pinching his nose.” I said softly.

Fang Yu Ke let out all his air as he laughed: “Sure enough, making someone else answer a riddle like this feels out of sorts. But, this time is an exception, because you’ve finally spoken to me normally.”

Alas, forget about it. Don’t let feelings be too serious. I hadn’t produced the main threads of my logic which made me distressed. If I were really to say something about it, I might as well be driven mad.

Fang Yu Ke looked at my somewhat relaxed face: “Next afternoon we’ll swim. If you don’t practice anymore you’ll really be unable to pass the exam.”

I determined that my strategy would be to despise it, and for my tactics, I would value it. Specifically, I was talking about my thoughts. After I summarized the perplexing conversation I had with Julie, about how moodiness and pureness was a type of psychological hint, and had nothing to do with feelings, I wanted to despise someone like me, who could lightly dither between two people and talk about unclear feelings when in reality, I couldn’t even lower my own guard. By no means was I going to hop up and down before his eyes, or be cocky.

So at the swimming class, I spoke to Fang Yu Ke with dignity:

“Is not knowing how to swim extraordinary? If you have the ability, then grow two wings and fly up to the sky! Try swimming 200m without taking a breath!?!” — I picked faults in this style.

“You swim your own thing! Don’t hold my hand! Men and women should not touch hands when they give or receive things. My slim and lily-white hands have been grabbed around by you, this country bumpkin rascal.” —- Plan B

“Hey, I didn’t let you touch it, but you just had to touch! Whose face is red now? When did you see my face get red? Are you color blind?!” — Sarcastic Plan

“Thank you for teaching me swimming. I cannot express enough words as my thanks. If there’s another day, I’ll treat you and Ru Ting to a meal.” —Refined and courteous plan

……

Fang Yu Ke looked at me like he was seeing a freak. Suddenly he came over to tossle my hair and said: “Take off that hat! You aren’t Zhou Lin Lin. Speak, who are you? Who sent you?”

……The devil got higher and higher as he spoke, while the other person had pushed him aside, incomparably childish, but still my plan remained unachieved.

Because I immediately even more childishly cohorted with him and said: “Pu Ni[3]was a little girl from a Buddhist nunnery, but met this benefactor in passing in the peach blossom woods. Within the hundreds of flowers, none of the leaves stuck to this benefactor’s body. Xiao Ni yearned for you daily, and was so anxious. If I could be as bold to reincarnate into a common person, and meet benefactor again, all my yearnings would be fulfilled.”

Fang Yu Ke recovered his normal language: “This is normal. Just now, the Sarcastic Freak mood you had was so ugly. In the future, don’t be like this, otherwise I’ll ignore you. We’ll see who can stand your appearance like this.

When he said this, my heart immediately softened. Then, I took my strategies and tactics and threw them to the back of my head.