CH 55

I Don’t Want to Have Sex with You

At night, all of the girls in my dorm had classes. I hid in the room by myself indulging in flights of fancy [1]. I thought about the conversation we had when we broke up. I felt something was wrong. It was said that Fang Yuke and I were together and originally this was a challenge to my IQ. At the time, when we were together we would engage in a battle of words. I was inevitably wounded greatly by his cleverness and my ignorance. Often in his song, tracks that went through it were hidden away. After his cryptic and hazy words baffled me for an hour, I suddenly realized that I had already been beaten black and blue, consigned to eternal damnation. And even now, this poison tongued talent used such a strange and confusing break up strategy, like that of the demon Mara. Around 9 or 10 o’clock, before people were about to return to the dorm, my cell phone suddenly rang. The moment I heard it, I knew it was Fang Yuke.

TLN: Mara is the demon of temptation

My heart suddenly jumped. I woodenly answered it. At the other end, there was no sound. I only heard the lazy music that Norah Jones sang and intermittent sobs. I said ‘Hello?’ so many times, but there was no answer. When I called again, there was a busy signal and no one picked up. This plot was turning stranger and stranger, going more into a suspenseful direction. The vision of a murder and kidnapping, etc. scenes quickly went through my mind. My heart jumped and I was extremely flustered. I cleaned up and put on a thick coat, and walked towards Fang Yuke’s off campus place.

When I got there, I was refused entry. The white entrance door seemed ice-cold under the cold light. I took a deep breath and pressed on the doorbell. No one responded. After I had pressed it so many times, a sense of calmness still remained. I disappointedly turned back when I heard  murmuring. The door creaked open. I happily turned around. In front of the door was that mysterious woman who looked at me with an expression like water. Behind her was Fang Yuke speaking in noisy English. My heart hurt so much that it seemed crushed. I awkwardly waved my hand, “I was just stopping by. I will go back now.”

She curiously sized me up and pulled me into the house. I had never thought that for friends, who had grown up in foreign countries, the notion of “Two women attending upon a husband” could be so deep.

I followed her in. When we entered, instead of attending to a husband, I saw a disorderly pile of wine bottles on the table. By the wine bottles, a flushed-faced Fang Yuke lay on the table.

That mysterious woman became even more mysterious. She took me to Fang Yuke’s side and cleaned up her own things so that she could go out.

I immediately called after her. I didn’t want these circumstances to become more complicated. That girl exposed a sweet smile, “He needs you.” Helloo this older sister? Untalented me can actually understand that sentence.

I know how limited my English is, but in this  crucial moment I used it, “Who are you? Lover? Sister?”

That older sister played a word game with me, “Sister, but feeling like a lover. Please take care of him. When he wakes up, you can ask him yourself.”

The drunk Fang Yuke had a blurred expression on his face, his movements sluggish. He only knew how to hold that bottle and never let go. His mouth would indistinctly say some Chinese words and then speak English. My heart stopped. Even when he was drunk he would speak English. How treasonous was this person?! Was it easy for your motherland to raise you? People say that kindness given to you like dripping water should be paid back with gushing springs. If not, then when you cross a river you must cast yourself in. You’re so great, you rascal. This is the best age/time of your life, but you escape to the most evil capitalist country, free and unfettered. I took advantage of his muddled state and used all my strength to pinch his cheek. Alas, in the past if I were to mock you like this you would definitely harm me right?

I’ll reckon that in the future there won’t be anymore opportunities for you to knock me off my horse. As I thought this, my heart sank into new levels of sadness again. The sadness ebbed from my heart. Thus, I also drank a few sips of wine.

From a young age, I had never advised anyone not to drink anymore. When I was with Yao Zi, I drank slowly while she drank quickly. Not too long after we get together, each time she would get dead drunk. I would only ask after her or adopt an attitude to advise her a little. Thus her  liquor tolerance advanced by leaps and bounds through my reckless/careless attitude. If Fang Yuke had drank with me when he was little, he definitely wouldn’t be stumped by these few bottles of wine. I somewhat knew that my own alcohol capacity wasn’t great. Besides not using the toilet or having urinary incontinence, I had done everything that could possibly lose someone’s face. I had snivelled and cried as I sang loudly and touched people and kissed them. I could do anything. Fang Yuke’s upbringing had been strict so even when he was drunk, he wouldn’t get too wanton. Besides saying some nonsense, he gradually got much quieter. However, this also changed into silence and he seemed to almost be asleep. Early winter had just begun in Beijing and we had not gotten to the warmer times. I was afraid that if he slept in this ice cold kitchen, he would get a cold/fever tomorrow.

I could only push his body. He fell over extremely easily, sinking his head onto my shoulder. I asked him, “Fang Yuke, are you drunk?” My heart thought, I am really asking rubbish, just like seeing if someone who is sleeping is really asleep.What shocked me was that Fang Yuke weakly replied, “Not drunk,” because this sentence seemed a lot like something the annoying drunkards who stirred up trouble would say. This was so much so that he even felt a little sober and rational. Thus I asked him again, “Fang Yuke, do you remember who seized your face just now?” His eyes seemed to blink in slow motion as his words came out like sticky rice, “I know it was the idiot named Linlin.”

In the past when he called me idiot, his eyes would be full of disdain, and suddenly become gentle. It seemed that  this “idiot” title was very intimate and pampering. However, he had indeed drank some wine. So his next words were wide off the mark, “I have regretted it.”

Even though this sentence wasn’t linked to the past context, I felt the sensitivity build up in my heart and add to my scars. If a man called his current girlfriend’s name while he was in between drunkenness and soberness, and then he sighed regretfully, I was only afraid that his mind had received a shock. Unless I wasn’t the only one who had been grounded into a sharp mental state [1] these past few days? I didn’t check to  see if he could still understand my words. I only faintly said, “I know you regret it, but the customs in our little town have relaxed, so it’s not like we can’t ever marry just because we’ve had a relationship at one time. My old mother is usually a little bold. Even in the major things, she still understands the importance of the situation. She definitely won’t push against you with a vegetable knife, and tell you to take responsibility. It’s not like anything major happened between us anyways. But, even if something did happen, like now, we shall pay particular attention to parting without any hard feelings. You definitely don’t have to drink to harm your body or do something that makes you seem so infatuated and sad. Even though I, Zhou Linlin do not have the appearance of Diao Chan or Xishi, these peach blossoms that bloomed more than halfway, making the most of it, there are only a few people who can fall in love with me wholeheartedly. This does not count as a failure for me. You need not blame yourself……”

——–

TLN: Diaochan (-192), one of the Four legendary beauties 四大美女, in fiction a famous beauty at the break-up of Han dynasty, given as concubine to usurping warlord Dong Zhuo 董卓 to ensure his overthrow by fighting hero Lü Bu 呂布｜吕布

Xishi (c. 450 BC), famous Chinese beauty, foremost of the Four legendary beauties 四大美女, given by King Gou Jian 勾踐｜勾践of Yue as concubine to King of Wu as part of a successful plan to destroy Wu

桃花 peach blossom / (fig.) love affair

———

My heart thought, Saying things like this is certainly very sensible. If Fang Yuke were to be sober now, I’m only afraid he would be so moved that a few tears would flow from his eyes, so grateful that I am being so open-minded.

I lifted my head and saw that Fang Yuke’s eyes were indeed a bit moist. When he blinked, all of the sudden the corners of his eyes finally spilled over with hot tears. Falling tears could really stir up emotions within the depths of other people. Especially the silent tears, which could victoriously sound even in silent places. It made all who saw it, emotionally moved. Thus, I also began to sob. By comparison, my tears were very unsightly. My tears hadn’t fallen all the way when my mucus began to embark on a journey. Contrary to what one might expect, this situation really looked like a  drunken orgy.

He approached me, then he held me tight. His lips trembled as he sought mine. I thought, I’m afraid that this will be the last kiss between us. Thus, within my sniffling  and tears and the lips that embraced me, I accepted my last mission with great difficulty. I thought it would follow superficial contact etiquette, but I didn’t think that a  kiss would emerge from such a difficult, dangerous situation. Fang Yuke seemed like his heart was filled with grievances as he vented them on me. Perhaps he bit or sucked, but he really would only be satisfied if he swallowed me whole. Sure enough, I hadn’t guessed wrong. Fang Yuke indeed had a violent tendency. My lips and tongue were both a little numb so much so that my mouth had a bit of blood. I felt my own soul separating. One half was me soaking in this crazy intimacy, and the other half pitifully and sorrowfully looked down upon these happenings. However, Fang Yuke had drank a little too much so he almost stifled me as he kissed me. His hand had began to dishonestly grope up and down. He was beginning to unbutton my buttons.

After I was spellbound for such a long time, I finally became cool-headed in a flash. Even though I had tried to achieve my goal as soon as possible, the feelings in the atmosphere had to be concentrated with honey. These feelings could not be forced, and both had to be willing. When conditions are right, success will follow naturally. When the time came, even if Fang Yuke was just a little forceful, I could unreservedly wish for this and just take it as some fun. But now, under these circumstances I was still clear. Fang Yuke was probably afraid that I would forget who I was and only receive a hint of sensual desire, so he wanted to invade and occupy my territory. To the end, this was also a distinguished and accomplished scene of someone getting drunk. After sobering, he would just say “I’m Sorry” and still leave for England. Left alone, I had just said it. Even if something substantial occurred, we could still part without hard feelings. But honestly, I was only able  to have these types of feelings now. I didn’t feel, If I can’t have your heart then I must get your body, etc. and I was unwilling to fulfill these kinds of free and easy actions. Thus, in the midst of the earth-shattering, lightning-striking, fire-breathing kiss, I seized the opportunity to get a breath of fresh air. I anxiously said, “Fang Yuke, you are drunk.”

Fang Yuke said, with unstable breathing, “I am not drunk.”

His tone at this time seemed to imply some insobriety so I could only ask, “Then tell me, where is your passbook and how much money is in it?”

Fang Yuke coped with things smoothly, “In the future, I’ll give it all to you.”

I thought, Even when you’re drunk you can still say something that’s so gratifying? Indeed, you are talented.

I usually pondered quite badly, but at this moment, I wanted to think about it. How many things had happened between us that were sincere and how many things were brutal. And here, there was 1% brutal and 99% sincere actions that I didn’t mind. Sincere actions can never be discounted, just as the mysophobia I have with my feelings. Thus, I fiercely threw him off and did hand-to-hand combat with him. But my body that was only 160 cm tall got pinned under an 180 cm tall person, making me seem weak. No matter how I tried to throw him off, it only increased his interest. Fang Yuke suppressed both of my hands up high, while his other hand took off my coat. His whole body was pinned against mine. I had really become a tortoise who couldn’t flip over no matter how it tried. I regretted. Why hadn’t I worn the shirt that would have to go over my head? At least I could resist a little. When the great winter night was upon us, I only wore a blouse and a thick jacket with buttons. Fang Yuke’s lips had already spread down to the pit in my shoulders. The fragrance of wine spread faintly from his neck. There was also a burst of gnawing pain. In a flash, I found that I was helpless, powerless, and despairing. I watched all of this about to happen so I was forced to say, “Fang Yuke, we’ve already broken up, got it? What are you doing all of this for?”

The motions at my neck suddenly stopped. Fang Yuke’s head was deeply buried in my shoulder. After a very long time, I only felt that his shoulders incessantly trembled. In the soft cotton clothing, I heard a stifled word, “Sorry”.

This late apology reminded me of my continued feelings of being treated unjustly and all of my grievances from the past few days. It gave life to my bawling.

[1]http://www.echineselearning.com/blog/mochuchengzhen-grinding-an-iron-pestle-into-a-needle