CH 98

But she couldn’t ask. When she opened my mouth, she felt like she could breathe with him. It seemed that something worse was about to happen. Canaren turned her head and closed her eyes. Then she remembered him kissing Rena in the dark.

At that moment, his lips that had been pointing under Rena’s eyes fell to the corners of her eyes in the same way.

Ah. Canaren thought her heart was going to explode at that moment. It wasn’t because she liked it. It wasn’t because she was amazed. It was terrible. The thought of his lips that had touched another woman had touched her, and she became disillusioned and could not bear it.

Canaren pushed against his shoulder. However, his shoulders, which were as hard as the wall, did not move or stop. She screamed, punching her shoulder.

「Don’t touch me! You can do this with her…」

“That woman. What do you mean?”

「You don’t have to pretend you don’t know. Because I’ve seen it all. I know very well what I mean to Yulif. So I tried to run away… Why did you bring me here? Why won’t you let me go? You don’t even love me.」

Yulif’s eyes narrowed. Canaren covered her face with her hands. She didn’t want to show Yulif how pathetic she was. Her tears flowed down between his fingers.

「I’m just… a decoration… like a painting on the wall or something like a vase…」

Yulif’s hand, resting on the bed, clenched his fist. The sound of gripping the cloth on his nails rang, but he couldn’t reach the sobbing Canaren.

She was miserable, having to refer to herself as an ornament, a painting, and a vase. Did Yulif know how she felt? It didn’t matter whether he knew or not. She really hated it all now. She was sick and tired of it.

“You seem to have realized it now.”

A cracked and suppressed voice pierced her ears and heart. His large hand grabbed her wrist and pulled it away from her face. Light and his gaze poured down on her poorly wet face.

Yulif wiped the tears that flowed from Canaren’s cheeks which were white and cold, with his thumbs. It was a dry hand that was neither kind nor harsh.

“That barrier only responds to you. So it won’t let you step out of the castle without my permission.”

「…What do you gain by doing this?」

“I told you, I don’t want to lose you to the emperor. That’s all.”

Unrequited love was okay. Very rarely, but very faintly, as long as Yulif showed his kind and warm eyes, that was good. Because her heart had already recognized Yulif as her master. Because she only ran towards him.

From the moment love began, Canaren never thought that she would dare to have him fully. It was a love that she started even though she knew it all. She did not regret it, and she was confident in her own love. Although she may not be her destiny to Yulif, to her, Yulif was her destiny.

But the reality was grim. Living in reality, Yulif was harsher than she had ever realized. She never asked for much. Just like in the Imperial Palace, a very small piece of his heart. That would have been all she needed.

Yulif was right. She shouldn’t have done anything. She shouldn’t have asked for anything. She shouldn’t have loved him. Canaren regretted it. Her regrets pierced her bones painfully.

「Did you save me to do this from the beginning?」

His sturdy back, which suddenly appeared in front of her at the banquet hall, wrapped around her and stopped her whip, was still clear. The voice that asked, ‘Are you okay?’ was vivid. She still couldn’t forget the feel of the pocket watch he handed over to her, promising to go wherever she was.

“Yes.”

The memories that made Canaren live were now a snare that tightened her breath.

“I wanted to do this from the moment I first saw you.”

‘Lock you in my arms so you can’t go anywhere. So that you only look at me.’

‘Let my arms be the cage that traps you. So that the world you see is a world filled with only the beautiful and clean things that I have prepared for you. In that world, I am the only one who cherishes you, adores you, likes you, loves you, cherishes your affection, and cherishes your desires.’

‘So that only I can have meaning in your world.’

“I wanted to do this.”

Yulif’s voice, filled with dirty and filthy desires, was still low.

He tried so desperately not to show them in front of the Canaren. If he let go of all these boiling desires, she would surely try to run away.

The truth was, he always wanted her to be completely his.

Don’t let her body and mind escape from him. To want and love only him. To get accustomed to his affection for her, she couldn’t do anything without him.

‘I wanted to lick every corner of your body like an animal, and push myself into the deepest part of you. I wanted to bite and swallow you from head to toe, and I wanted you to bite and swallow me like that. I wanted to fill you with me, and I wanted to be filled with you too.’

He hoped that he would covet and commit to her day and night, so that she would become so accustomed to the pleasures he gave her, so that she would not even think of escaping.

He wanted to have all of her. He didn’t want to lose even a handful of her heart.

But all of that was his own desire. His own heart that can’t be achieved or be done.

Yulif’s lips brushed against Canaren’s forehead. A finger, tinged with strange heat, gently pressed her scarred lips.

Canaren, who was about to shout,‘Get your hands off me, don’t touch me’ became confused.

Yulif, for some reason, had a face that looked like he was about to cry. He looked like he was going crazy in pain. It was a face that seemed to be holding something back, to be angry, or to be very sad.

It was a face she had seen before. It was when they had left the Imperial Palace and stayed in Yulif’s cabin. Even then, Canaren asked Yulif to release her and send her to the village. Yulif said she can’t go anywhere, and that she should stay by his side when he flatly refused. It was a similar situation to now. And even then, Yulif was like this. He stroked her lips with his finger. He could have kissed her if she pushed him hard, but she didn’t.

“If that’s how you can live.”

“You cannot die. I will not tolerate it.”

At the time, she only thought it was an arrogant statement that he would decide her life or death. But something… something was strange. Because it wasn’t the kind of expression that an arrogant person would make. An ominous sensation, unknown to her, started to ring in her head over and over again.

Come to think of it… On their wedding day, she was puzzled why Yulif was so angry when he hugged her as she jumped from her bell tower.  He told her not to play with her life. Yulif tended to be particularly obsessed with her life and death.. Strangely enough, even to station guards even after coming safely to Peonia.

Canaren grabbed his finger that rested on her lips. Yulif’s eyes widened slightly.

「Yulif, there’s something you’re hiding.」

If he put a barrier on the castle, maybe it was because he was worried that she might end up in danger if she went outside? So what did it mean to be by his side for only three months?

Canaren found herself laughing at herself for thinking like this. How on earth can she abandon this foolish mind to believe in Yulif who lied and hid the truth once again?

‘I guess I want to believe in Yulif anyway. I’m sure I’ll regret it, but I still can’t let go of him.’

“Canaren.”

As soon as she asked the question, the tragic expression on Yulif’s face disappeared. There was no sense of reality in his face, which changed as easily as if he turned the palm of her hand. Canaren blankly looked up at him.

“There is nothing to hide, but sometimes not knowing is beneficial.”

「No, this is my matter. I have a right to know…」

“The same goes for this one. You could have been comfortable if you didn’t know. But you fell for the emperor’s trick because of useless curiosity.”

「…Are you saying it’s my fault? Yulif deceived me. Yulif betrayed me! It’s not me who’s at fault, it’s Yulif.」

“I had no intention of betraying you. Because I had no intention of revealing the truth. A lie that the other person does not know cannot be a lie. Don’t you think so? You were happy while you didn’t know.”

「How, how can you say that…」

Canaren collapsed once more. Expectations that came in like a high tide passed like a low tide, leaving disappointment and regret. Her chest, which they scratched, was full of countless wounds.

Her heart, stained with regret, was shards of ice tightly packed. It was unbearably bitter and painful, as if he had sprinkled salt on her wounds.

The mind always comes back with the worst outcome. Just like right now.

Yulif got up. He walked to the door with a steady gait, stopping for a moment before leaving the room.

“I’ll send you back to your village soon. Do nothing and wait.”

She didn’t think she could go out anyways. After a cynical short addition, Yulif left Canaren behind.

Canaren, who had been left alone with herself, covered her face and let out her broken weeping.

*******

“…Uggh.”

A moan escaped his mouth as soon as he closed the door. Yulif leaned on the door and slowly collapsed down, kneeling on the floor.

Black stains began to drip down over the polished tiles.

‘Damn it…’

The pocket where the handkerchief should have been was empty. Recalling the fact that he had thrown it at Deltinus, Yulif frowned.

Reluctantly, he covered his nose and mouth with his sleeve and got up staggeringly. But he couldn’t take a few steps and sat down again. His eyes widened as if he had been hit in the head.

‘…I must not fall here.’

Canaren was feeling confused. She lacked clues now, so it would be difficult to draw an accurate picture, but given more information, she might notice that his death was near.

Yulif leaned against the wall with one hand and moved with difficulty. He felt like he was in the churning sea, not on land.