CH 45

Once upon a time, a fool dug a pit, then jumped into it by himself.

“Aren’t all wives the same? No matter how much they laugh at a joke for a few years, they’ll probably get tired of it, right?” Xia Yujin tried to comfort himself. “Anyway, other men’s wives aren’t so devoid of jealousy, so obedient, they can’t fight and catch murderers for you, and they don’t have such long legs…”

When he remembered this, he swallowed. Ye Zhao was a unique heroine, with a high position in court, but her behavior was irreproachable and she didn’t let anyone think of her as an object of desire. Many women worshiped her to an inconceivable extent. They said the prostitutes in pleasure houses had made up a secret rule: whoever received the prince of Nanping and displeased the general may not continue in this profession. This, added to the disagreement he had with his concubines at home, had made him abstain for a long time until it was getting uncomfortable to bear it, and hurt his reputation a little.

Since the day he’d eavesdropped on Ye Zhao, he’d gone a little soft-hearted. She was a woman, he felt, who could both be a good hostess and beat up delinquents by herself,[2] and he didn’t really want to think of the divorce letter anymore. He was even more reluctant once he found out what kind of redeeming quality her figure was.

He was only planning on throwing stuff around in the bedroom, then waiting until her excessive threats, and using this as his license to go for the kill.

Since he’d decided not to divorce, then of course he’d consummate marriage with his wife.

Xia Yujin wondered if alcohol would make his wife frivolous and more open to persuasion. He himself improved when he drank. When the two of them, like thunder and volcano,[3] logically fell on the bed, there would be an inexperienced one and a veteran; however he planned it, he would be the one with the upper hand.

He beamed with joy.

Concubine Yang had a nimble mind. When she heard that the prince was going to have a celebratory drink with the general that evening, and that everyone had been sent away, she immediately understood. She was instantly delighted. She concluded that it was the blessing of the Bodhisattva of the Nange Temple, who made her wish come true and ensured her fortune. With the general and the prince both as masters, she could keep the mistress’ position for a long time without yielding it to someone new. The truth was that Ye Zhao had agreed that she kept some personal money. Thanks to the two titles of marquess of Xuanwu and prince of Nanping, coupled with the wealth of Prince An and Consort Dowager An’s favor, she’d managed to scrape a not-so-insignificant amount.

Meiniang thought it was the effect of the precious bamboo sticks from Lingshan Temple. When the general came back, she gave Meiniang a chain of pearls; those pearls were all as wide as her finger, smooth, glossy, and very valuable. She was in a very good mood: it showed that the relationship between the two of them was progressing well. As long as the general did not divorce, Meiniang would be more pampered inside the household than if she was the daughter of the house, saved from the life of torment she would experience outside. Even when she got old, thanks to the general’s protective temperament, she would not be cast aside. And when she met them on the street, she could continue to show off to those mocking concubines and tongfang maids who were bitterly oppressed by their mistresses till they cried in envy.

Seeing Concubine Yang and Meiniang so happy and after thinking about it for a long time, Xuan’er understood what was happening, thinking that she could keep on caring for her family in the future. Terribly happy, she hastened back to her room and worshiped the Supreme Old Lord three times to thank him for his protection. She hoped that life would get better and better in the future.

Ye Zhao was busy in the military camp. She said she would come back a little later and wouldn’t dine at home, and that the prince ought to eat first then wait for her.

Concubine Yang directed the servants. Xia Yujin found spicy kidneys, stir-fried sea prawns with chives and egg, stewed quails, fried kidney balls, simmered pigeon breasts, and other such aphrodisiac dishes. A short while later, Meiniang sent someone over with a bottle of Lubian wine,[4] saying that it was a suitable drink for spring,[5] and Xuan’er’s maid then sent a bowl of general health supplement soup, saying it was done out of filial care to strengthen the prince’s body. The implication being: the general must be satisfied!

Indignant, Xia Yujin quietly asked Gutou, “Do I usually perform this badly?”

After some thought, Gutou tactfully replied, “It’s not that you’re bad, but that the general appears so strong. She’s so bold and invincible when she fights, so she’ll probably be bold and invincible when doing something else. Your Highness, you have to increase your own vigor, don’t underestimate the enemy…”

Xia Yujin saw sense again. It was hard to express how embarrassing underestimating this enemy would be, exactly, so he quickly picked up his chopsticks and polished off all those dishes he didn’t usually like. He also drank three cups of Lubian wine, which he thought was very appropriate.

Then he had people prepare eighty different kinds of fruits that went well with wine and two jars of apricot blossom wine that had just been opened, all for the eastern courtyard. The main hall of the eastern courtyard was built along water. The preparations were done in the water pavilion of the side room, perfect to admire the water and the moon. There was a tall banyan tree next to it, its long beard hanging down into the water, and the reflection of the moon over the lake. It was enchanting.

“Still think this is bad?” Xia Yujin asked with satisfaction.

Having done some calculations, Gutou cautiously replied, “You could have someone hang down a curtain over the water and bring in some sandalwood?”

Xia Yujin stroked his chin, nodding. “Very good, very good.” He considered every detail, worried that he would face the ridicule of the general over any wrong arrangement, and told everyone that they had to scamper off two hundred feet away from the eastern courtyard when the time came. They were not allowed to come in if they heard any noise. He only kept a mute servant to boil water.

Everything was ready. Only the general was missing.

Thinking that it wasn’t reasonable for a man to wait for his wife to come home from work, he simply went out for a stroll, instructing the servants to call for him when his wife came back. The servants were extremely curious about what the prince and the general would be up to at night — rightly so. But their lips had been ordered shut, so they only dared to say a word about it to a few close friends and conjecture what means the prince could use to subdue the mighty general, who was greater than a man. Then, for all of them, the need to scratch that curiosity became more urgent.

In the military camp, Ye Zhao was dictating the letter she’d asked Hu Qing to write to General Liu to prepare the borders. There was a smile constantly curling the corners of her mouth. Although she did not mix personal and public matters at work, she’d accumulated such a reputation that everyone feared she would start chopping heads when they saw her angry. Now that they saw her in a good mood, now that the storm had passed, they collectively let out a sigh of relief, and the clever ones guessed that something had happened. They all silently extended their thanks to the prince of Nanping for his sacrifice. They exchanged a few jokes but, well, after all, men understood each other. It wasn’t easy to fit with the Living King of Hell. Way to take one for the team! He restrained the general so that she did not need to harm others. Such a good deed was as great as the heavens.

Thus, they all tried to put in a good word for Xia Yujin. They were used to being careless, because they didn’t view the general as a woman, and the topic of the flesh wasn’t taboo.

Hu Qing, who never learned his lesson, went on jeering, “Can your man’s bones withstand being tossed around? Careful with your strength, don’t break him when you handle him. I heard that Meng Xingde has something to liven things up down there. Come see me if it doesn’t work without it, and I’ll snag a couple of pills for you.”

Very used to this kind of talk, Ye Zhao did not feign shyness, but those words weren’t fit to be heard, so she smoothly swiped at his head.

Hu Qing was used to being beaten. Not angry in the slightest, he continued, “Last time I went to a pleasure boat, I accidentally heard that they say your husband likes it when the other party takes the initiative. Though most men like it.”

Ye Zhao’s face was full of doubt.

“Don’t believe me?” Hu Qing laughed and added, “Remember when we talked about it. Qiu Laohu and Vanguard General Wu — fierce men, but they like it when women push them down in bed. Even a thin fellow like Officer Liu likes a brazen beauty. And if you still don’t believe me, go ask around the brothels, see what type of kung fu is the most popular in bed. Hey, everyone, what do you say?”

Considering themselves, the men nodded in agreement. “Right. Even if they don’t love it, at least they don’t hate it. It’s better than lying there stiffly.”

Was that right?

Ye Zhao was pensive.

They’re both so bad at this lmao

[1 ↑] Lit. 十全大补 shí quán dà bǔ, or “十全大补汤,” a traditional Chinese medicine herbal formula. More.

[2 ↑] Lit. 个上得厅房，打得流氓的媳妇 gè shàng dé tīngfáng, dǎ dé liúmáng de xífù, a play on a long saying enumerating the standards/virtue a modern woman should have: first go to the hall (to receive guests), then to the kitchen, etc, etc, afford a car, buy a new house, fight her husband’s mistress, fight delinquents. A sort of “she does it all” kind of woman? Source.

[3 ↑] Lit. 天雷勾动地火 tiān léi gōu dòng dì huǒ, metaphor for a deep relationship or sexual allusion (thunder = male desire, volcano eruption = female desire).

[4 ↑] Lit. 鹿鞭酒 lù biān jiǔ, deer-dick wine 

[5 ↑] Spring because it’s the season, but it is a common euphemism for love and sex.