CH 105

What Missy, who is Missy? Shen Jue practically thought that he had heard wrong, but Xiahou Lian’s eyes were closed as he lingered at the corner of his lips, still murmuring, “Missy.”

It turned out that there was already someone in Xiahou Lian’s heart, someone he didn’t know. He had cautiously hidden it for so long, only daring to say it out loud when his guard was down and his mind clouded. Shen Jue’s mind was blank as sorrow and anger assaulted his heart. Eyes red, he gripped Xiahou Lian’s neck and pressed him down on the bed, asking resentfully, “Who is Missy?”

Xiahou Lian’s head hit the pillow, and he gradually came back to his senses. The hand gripping his neck clenched slowly, and he felt a little suffocated. He subconsciously grabbed the hand and opened his eyes, directly seeing Shen Jue gritting his teeth.

He was taken aback and still hadn’t reacted. Shen Jue’s cold white body with intersecting love bites came into view, and there was a loud boom in his mind. He was stunned where he was, and he even forgot to move away the hands that were still choking his neck. What had happened? He remembered drinking wine and feeling feverish all over. His body hadn’t felt right, so the wine had contained… He looked at Shen Jue in extreme shock.

Shen Jue saw his shocked expression and felt a pain in his heart. He silently got up from his body and got out of the bed, putting on his clothes with his back to him. His pure white undergarments were pulled over his shoulders, and the love bites that were like plum blossoms were concealed underneath, like a secret hidden deeply in snow. He looked back and glanced coldly at Xiahou Lian before leaving. Xiahou Lian reached out to grab his wrist, but the instant they touched, he took his hand back as if he had been burned. He wanted to explain, but what could he explain? The truth had been placed clearly before his eyes; he had bullied Shen Jue, and spilt water couldn’t be retrieved 1.

He had a splitting headache, and he sat on the bed and covered his head. The instant he lowered his head, he saw two dark red bloodstains on the mattress. They were two extremely neat circles, one big and one small, like two small clusters of flames, scorching his eyes. He wasn’t an idiot who didn’t understand worldly matters, and he knew where this blood had come from. It was over for him; not only had he bullied Shen Jue, he had also injured him. How could someone as proud as that, who strenuously lifted his head even when he was trampled in the mud, stand this kind of humiliation?

Shen Jue didn’t know how he came out of the room, nor how he walked through such a long corridor. The sounds of the rain were like a tide, and hanging thin lines filled the pitch-black night. Reflections of the rainwater glinted on the ground, and he saw his own dark figure in the light, lone and solitary.

“Godfather, Godfather, what happened?” Shen Wenxing was fastening his buttons as he rushed up to him. He had heard noises and hastily gotten up, happening to see Shen Jue walk out of the courtyard, distracted and listless, not even knowing that his plain straight belt had been fastened incorrectly.

Shen Jue’s eyes could practically be described as dead. He looked at the pouring rain and merely said, “Go and check the women Xiahou Lian has been in contact with before. Check all of them for me and filter out a woman named ‘Missy,’ and come back to tell me.”

Shen Wenxing hurriedly left, and Shen Jue turned around to continue walking. He didn’t know where he was going and stopped, happening to be at the entrance to his study. He opened the door, stepped over the threshold, and closed the door, sitting down against the door panel. It was dark inside the room, and only dim light filtered in from outside the window gauze. The raindrops outside pattered as they struck the window, and the world was filled with the sounds of rain.

Shen Wenxing returned less than two hours later. He hadn’t thought that he would find her this quickly, so he still hadn’t finished making mental preparations. It was as if there was a saber suspended above his neck, and he hadn’t even closed his eyes, but the saber had already chopped down.

“We found these letters in Sir Xiahou’s house, and we followed it to a posthouse and questioned the courier. This ‘Missy’ is from Hangzhou, surname Zhao, unmarried and pregnant. She was kicked out of her house and is now living next to Lingyin Temple.” Shen Wenxing stuffed the letters through the crack in the door. “The child is already four or five years old, and Sir Xiahou has sent them money three times starting from the end of the year. Godfather… do you want to  send depot guards to Hangzhou to investigate further?”

“No need.” Shen Jue’s voice was ridiculously hoarse, and he flipped open the letters, reading through them one by one. That woman had extremely graceful handwriting, rambling about how it hadn’t been easy these past few years. He saw that she called Xiahou Lian “Lian Darling,” such a tender and affectionate address. And what did Xiahou Lian call her? Perhaps it was also a teeth-achingly cheesy title. His hand trembled as he kneaded the letters in his palm, and his heart seemed to be ripped open inch by inch, hurting and bloody.

He sat in the dark and endured the pain in his heart, but he couldn’t endure it. This pain was too intense, as if his soul was being forcefully ripped apart. He wanted to hate Xiahou Lian; he had lied to him. What only family, what giving his life to him, they were all lies. But he had also been like a moth darting into a fire, having only himself to blame. This was a great calamity, but he just had to step inside, not even leaving behind ashes in the end. 

He didn’t have a treasure anymore; his treasure was someone else’s, and he only had a heart full of dust, barren and desolate. He covered his face and let out a low laugh, and as he laughed, it turned into crying. He thought that he was foolish and stupid, actually crying for this kind of situation. He used his sleeves to wipe his tears, but the tears couldn’t be stopped. They were like a river that had broken through the dam, pouring out the sorrow that filled his heart. He suddenly didn’t want to wipe anymore, so he stopped and silently shed tears facing the darkness.

“Godfather, there’s something else.” Shen Wenxing’s voice suddenly sounded.

He didn’t respond.

“Sir Xiahou has been kneeling here for two hours, do… do you want to see him?”

There was still no sound inside. Shen Wenxing knew the answer, so he turned and looked into the rain. The man in black was kneeling in the center of the courtyard, and his entire body was drenched, his hair sticking to his face in locks. Today’s rain was so heavy it had no end, as if all the water in the galaxy were being poured down. Xiahou Lian was kneeling silently in the torrential rain, like a rock that didn’t speak.

“Sir Xiahou, come back tomorrow.” Shen Wenxing rushed into the rain to persuade him. “Godfather is angry. Wait for him to cool off, and it’ll be fine tomorrow!”

Xiahou Lian shook his head slowly, despair written all over his face. He looked down at his own hands and suddenly started slapping his own palms. After slapping his left palm he switched to his right palm, and after slapping his right palm he switched to his left. Again and again, the slapping sounds faintly sounded in the wind, soon buried by the heavy rain.

“What are you doing!” Shen Wenxing went to grab his hand.

Xiahou Lian pushed him away and continued slapping as he said, “I’m a brute, I’m a brute.”

“What happened today? Usually you two are so close it’s like you wished you could grow together, but after one night, you’ve become enemies with each other?” Shen Wenxing was worried and anxious. He got up from the ground and knocked on the door, but there was still no response, and the lights were also off. The two people, one inside and one outside, were both like a wandering soul and wild ghost. 

Xiahou Lian stopped with his hands and began kowtowing. Rainwater splashed underneath his forehead, slowly turning dark red and flowing out along the gurgling water, like dispersing red and black ink. It was as if he couldn’t feel pain anymore, only boundless cold, starting to spread deeply from his fingertips that touched the rainwater to the bottom of his heart. He couldn’t get Shen Jue’s figure out of his head, the red marks that covered his pale body and his angry gaze that wanted to kill. 

He knew that they were over, and that he didn’t even have the qualifications to stay by his side anymore. He was a brute that should be killed, and even falling into interminable hell couldn’t make up for the sins he had committed.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, but when the rain had slowly gotten lighter, the door finally opened with a pitch-dark hole. A candle was lit inside, and it penetrated the soft smoky window screen pasted on the door, as hazy as mist through the curtains of rain. Shen Wenxing waved at him, motioning for him to quickly go inside. Xiahou Lian got up from the rainwater, and he seemed to have been fished out from a river, his entire body dripping with water. He wiped his face and was a little dizzy the moment he stood up, nearly losing his balance. He closed his eyes and took heavy steps toward the threshold, only going inside after wringing out the water on his body.

Shen Jue was sitting behind the desk, his eyes lowered. His collar hadn’t been flipped properly, so it revealed some red spots. Xiahou Lian’s eyes seemed to be burned, and he shifted his gaze away in a panic.

Shen Wenxing closed the door, so only the two of them were left in the room. One person was standing and drenched, his hair still dripping with water, and one person was sitting, icy and impassive, like an ice sculpture.

“Xiahou Lian,” Shen Jue pushed two yellow papers in front of Xiahou Lian, adjusted his tone, and said, “this is your travel permit and household registration. Do not come back to the Eastern Depot anymore starting from tomorrow, you should leave.”

Xiahou Lian looked at the two thin pieces of paper blankly. “Leave?”

“I’m tired, I don’t want…” Shen Jue paused and continued speaking with difficulty, “I don’t want to continue on like this. I’m too tired, ten years is already long enough, it should end. You don’t need to blame yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong, it was me who was wrong. Leave, Xiahou Lian.”

As he said this, his heart seemed to be crushed. He thought he couldn’t ever piece it back together again, nor did he need to. Lasting pains were worse than brief pains, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t tasted pain before, so there wasn’t anything to be afraid of. Thinking like this, he instead felt a little better. He looked up, yet his gaze happened to collide with Xiahou Lian’s sad gaze. He was looking at him in agony, like a lone wolf that had been abandoned.

What did this mean? There was a throbbing pang in Shen Jue’s heart. He had always been soft-hearted toward Xiahou Lian; as long as he said one thing, he could even give his life to him. But why was he sad? He was letting him go to find Missy, letting him reunite with his family. Wasn’t it a good thing? He forced himself to smile and say, “You didn’t pick her up because you were afraid of Garan, right? It’s okay, Xiahou Lian, go and find her. I’ll give you a new identity again, and you’ll remain anonymous from now on. Be with your Missy and your child, going anywhere is fine. Just one thing, never come back to the capital, and never appear in front of me.”

Xiahou Lian didn’t speak for a very long time, all the way until Shen Jue saw a crystal-clear light brush past his eye and strike the blue-gray brick on the ground emitting a very, very light sound.

Xiahou Lian was crying.

Shen Jue was practically about to collapse, and unspeakable dejection and grief formed layers upon layers, as if the dams were about to burst the next moment. Separation was always painful. He recalled their separations from many years ago, in the small alley at Xie Manor and in the silent palace. He clenched his fists and told himself that it was okay, he would be fine. He was the seal-holder of the Directorate of Rites and the governor of the Eastern Depot. What kind of wounds hadn’t he suffered? What kind of wounds couldn’t be healed?

He stood up and turned to leave. He went around the desk, but when he brushed shoulders with and passed Xiahou Lian, his wrist was grabbed by Xiahou Lian. He struggled but couldn’t break free. Xiahou Lian’s palm was very hot, burning him like a charcoal fire.

“Young Master, do you want to know who Missy is?” Xiahou Lian said in a low voice. His voice was very hoarse, like a handful of sand had been kneaded in his throat, practically unable to be heard clearly amid the pattering sounds of the rain.

Shen Jue wanted to say that he didn’t. He didn’t want to know the details of that woman. He recalled “Lian Darling” and recalled that illegitimate child. Just thinking about them seemed to choke his throat, so painful it was difficult to breathe.

But Xiahou Lian continued to speak on his own. “Do you remember the first time we met, you were pressed onto the ground and beaten by Xie Jingtao. At the time, I thought that this little young master was really weak, without any strength to fight back. If it were me, I would’ve already knocked all of them down to the ground. You’re also good-looking, so I thought no wonder you couldn’t fight back, you turned out to be a sissy.” He smiled, his eyes misty with tears, and continued, “Later you still wanted to fight me, but you were pressed onto the ground and beaten by me, and you even cried. Do you remember?

“Even later, I became your servant. I had to sweep, mop, and wash the dishes every day, and I even washed your clothes for you. But you were really too annoying, and when the clothes weren’t washed clean I had to wash them again. I even had to bathe three times before entering your room. I, Xiahou Lian, had lived for twelve years, yet I had never seen someone like you. So… I secretly gave you a nickname.”

Shen Jue’s body stiffened.

Xiahou Lian took a breath and said softly, “Young Master, there’s no woman and there’s also no child, those are debts owed by Shiqi when he borrowed my identity.” He smiled bleakly. “Missy is you, it’s always been you.”

In that moment, the sounds of the rain faded away, and the world became silent. Shen Jue couldn’t hear any other sounds anymore. Amid the very long silence, he turned his head over very, very slowly and met Xiahou Lian’s sorrowful gaze.

“I’m sorry, Young Master, I like you.”