CH 10.1

TW: self harm, suicide

The new semester wasn’t friendly to Shen Dongyu, suddenly busy with homework, day after day of drug treatment, and the almost forgotten liveliness. 

Yu Nuan would also call every now and then, telling him that Shen Jiaying’s situation had improved a lot, so he could come home more often when he had the time. But they would always end up arguing after only a few words. Yu Nuan was still quick to criticize Shen Dongyu, at which point Shen Dongyu would immediately hang up, making him physically and mentally exhausted. 

Shen Shuran was busy with work and often went on business trips, calling Shen Dongyu from a completely different time zone.

Every time that Shen Dongyu laid on his bed, in the dark and quiet night, she would comfort him with her words, telling him to keep it up just a little longer. 

One day in early autumn, Shen Dongyu went downstairs in pajama pants. When he passed by Xiao Ju’s house, he saw his family members preparing to move. After a few words of acquaintance, he learned that Xiao Ju’s mom was switching him to another school, back in their hometown, far away from Shanghai. 

Shen Dongyu first looked at Xiao Ju’s mom with slightly furrowed brows, but then thought that he himself shouldn’t show sadness, so he smiled at her instead. Soreness immediately filled his throat. Not knowing what to do, he said goodbye to her, then turned and left. 

Shen Dongyu’s mood of wanting to get some fresh air was interrupted, so he turned back and headed upstairs, then knocked on Jiang Yuan’s door. She was currently making lunch for Shen Dongyu. Seeing that he had lost weight lately, she wanted to cook something good to make up for that loss. Her busy schedule for him in the afternoon was like a sweet pill, mediating his bitter heart.

But he couldn’t hold back his doubts, and asked Jiang Yuan for her opinion. 

He asked why there was always loneliness. When Jiang Yuan bent down to taste whether or not the soup had enough seasoning, she relaxedly smiled, and answered Shen Dongyu’s question as if it were very simple: “Being lonely is part of human nature. I get lonely too.”

Shen Dongyu went quiet again. He got up and went to the balcony to get out that box of cigarettes with only one left, left it on the surface of the handrail, and closed the glass door behind him gently to prevent the smoke from entering the room, which might bother Jiang Yuan. 

Standing on the balcony and gazing out, a large expanse of Shanghai’s wutong trees can be seen. The weather in early autumn was still somewhat stuffy, not at all cool. Standing outside for a short while caused even his backside to sweat. 

After he lit the cigarette, he only inhaled two puffs. The rest became ash that fell onto his shoes, scattering. Shen Dongyu used most of the time to burn out one cigarette to zone out. The smell of tar stimulated his nose and his eyes, making him tear up inside and out.

He had been in a bad mental state lately. He increased the intake of the new medicine, lithium carbonate, that the doctor prescribed. He also switched to many different types of medicine for treating sleep disorders, one of which made him sleep for almost two days, giving him the fear of being unable to fully wake up. 

Jiang Yuan knocked on the balcony door from the inside. Shen Dongyu looked back, then nodded slightly to indicate he understood. He snuffed out the smoke on the gray countertop, then opened the door and went inside. 

“Drink some water. The food will be bitter if you still have the taste of smoke in your mouth.” Jiang Yuan stood across from him and poured Shen Dongyu a cup of warm water.

“En.”

Shen Dongyu obediently drank the whole cup, and slowly scrambled rice into his mouth under the gaze of Jiang Yuan. He wanted to act passionately as if he couldn’t wait to eat, and then praise the cooking skills of Jiang Yuan, who spent a lot of effort making those foods, but it was so hard to act a certain way. He just couldn’t do it.

Though Jiang Yuan also gave up the thought of communication with Shen Dongyu at the moment. Just as she prepared to return to the kitchen to clean up, the phone in the living room rang.

It was from Chen Jingchuan.

Shen Dongyu’s eating actions were pretty much stopped, as he held the chopsticks in his hand. They were held in the air the whole time without getting put down in his bowl. His gaze glued to the spot where Jiang Yuan stood.

After they had been asking about each other for a long period of time, Jiang Yuan asked Chen Jingchuan if he missed Shen Dongyu. Not knowing what the other side said, she smiled as she looked back and called Shen Dongyu’s name. “A’Yu, quickly come get the phone.”

Perhaps the speaker was in front of his chest. His heartbeat rang wildly in his ears, clear and strong.

“En,” Shen Dongyu sank his body into the corner of the soft couch, twisting the telephone wire around his index finger. His voice was rather hoarse now, which made him dislike it. He then made a few coughs and called his name. “Jingchuan.”

“En, how are you doing lately?” 

The person on the other side was still as gentle as usual. Shen Dongyu subconsciously lowered his head and smiled, nodding when Chen Jingchuan couldn’t see him, saying, “Pretty good, you?”

“Been alright, just that the weather is too stuffy so I’m not really used to it.” Chen Jingchuan said.

Shen Dongyu wanted to say some nice words to comfort Chen Jingchuan, but he really wasn’t proficient in this regard. He couldn’t even make such a normal, complete sentence in his head, so he ended the conversation with “En” in his awkwardness and upsetness. 

They’ve obviously interacted a lot, so how come just a greeting seemed so off.

“It’s fine, you don’t need to worry.” Chen Jingchuan tried to relieve his anxiety. “It’ll be okay once it’s winter.”

“Alright.”

“I heard my mom say you’re coming to Beijing in October?” Chen Jingchuan switched to a topic that Shen Dongyu could talk more about.

“Ya, on the 19th.” Shen Dongyu was slightly relieved from his anxious nerves, trying to bring himself to say what he wanted to say. “I can go see you when the time comes.”

“Sure, I happen to have a basketball tournament at that time too. You can come watch.” Chen Jingchuan said.

They were quiet for a while, neither knowing how to insert more into the conversation. Shen Dongyu anxiously searched in his mind for something they could talk about, but before he thought of anything, Chen Jingchuan said the words that would end the call. 

“Jingchuan.” Shen Dongyu shouted the moment he took the phone away from his ear.

“What’s wrong?”

“The wooden bridge that we took last time on our way to the bus is broken.” Shen Dongyu grabbed the phone line as he spoke, “When it’s fixed, let’s go take a walk together again.”

Chen Jingchuan only replied after he paused blankly for two or three seconds. “Okay.”

The phone next to his ears let out “beep beep” sounds. He was still immersed in the joy of Chen Jingchuan’s call, and only hesitantly blinked after a few seconds. Not wanting to put the phone down, he then again placed it next to his ear, wanting to say goodbye to Chen Jingchuan, but the sound coming from the receiver was still robotic. 

Shen Dongyu looked at Jiang Yuan in confusion, asking, “Can I call again?”

Jiang Yuan nodded slowly, adjusted her emotions, then smiled as she said okay to Shen Dongyu. 

This time, Chen Jingchuan picked up very quickly. Shen Dongyu’s brows were filled with joy again. Calling his name, complaining why he hung up the phone so fast, they hadn’t even said goodbye yet. 

Maybe because Chen Jingchuan was used to Shen Dongyu’s inexplicable behavior, he wasn’t annoyed. To Shen Dongyu who awaited to hear him say goodbye, he replied, “Bye, see you next time.”

“Okay!”

Jiang Yuan looked at Shen Dongyu being in such high spirits because of one call, and was a little relieved that Chen Jingchuan could still make him so happy. 

The early morning brought with it a sense of coolness. Fallen leaves filled the streets, and there were pedestrians everywhere now wearing more layers of clothes. Gray clouds hung low in the sky, making the sky seem so close that it could be touched. 

The rain in early October was heavy, pouring down from daylight to nighttime, then from midnight to sunrise. A brightly lit yellow light came from the desk lamp in front of the bed, and the tightly shut windows blocked the noise of raindrops falling onto buildings. 

The desk lamp was left on until the skies became bright, and only then did he get up from bed to wash up and go to school. A perpetually exhausted appearance doesn’t look good after all. Swollen eyelids and a splitting headache affect Shen Dongyu’s emotions and condition one by one. 

Recently, his weight kept decreasing. Even the action of swallowing while eating was very difficult. Sometimes while laying on the bed, he would startle awake, and only by taking big gulping breaths can he reduce the stress on his heart. 

A day’s classes were tight, it would already be dark when Shen Dongyu left school, going separate ways from Lin You, and walked slowly towards that road alone. The wooden bridge hadn’t yet been repaired, and there still weren’t a lot of people. Gazing from a distance, it looked like no one was there. 

When he was about to reach the door of the building, Shen Dongyu saw Yu Nuan waiting for him. The uninvited guest made him nervous, as he walked to her side and said a word: “Mom.”

“Why didn’t you answer the phone?” Yu Nuan appeared to be a bit upset and impatient, but she still ended up softening her tone. 

Shen Dongyu let out a hum, then took out his phone and faced it towards her, saying that it was out of power. 

“How come you’re here?” Shen Dongyu approached her, but didn’t plan on bringing her upstairs. 

“I wanted to come see you.” Yu Nuan said, “There’s also something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Since the last time in Hangzhou, Shen Dongyu hasn’t seen Yu Nuan in nearly a month. Her haggard face was even thinner than before. 

“What’s the matter?”

In the corner where they stood, the wind lifted up the tip of his scarf. In the coldness, Shen Dongyu felt a bad intuition of unease. 

“I discussed with your dad to let you return to Hangzhou to study.” Yu Nuan wasn’t a soft spoken person. There wasn’t room to argue, and she directly explained to Shen Dongyu. “Or go study abroad with Liang Xiao.”

Shen Dongyu’s drowsy mind suddenly awakened. His pupil shrank under fear, and he responded in anger, “Are you both crazy?! What are you even thinking? Let me study abroad with him, you aren’t afraid of me killing him a hundred times over!?” 

“Are you crazy?” Yu Nuan was startled, not imagining that Shen Dongyu would talk like that towards her, and her temper flared: “Who takes care of you when you’re here? Shen Shuran doesn’t care about you, doesn’t your medical records say we make you feel lonely and afraid? Aren’t you just alone in Shanghai like this? I think you’re just lying to us, what depression, it’s all bullshit!”

As she spoke, Yu Nuan gradually became agitated. Regardless of the gazes from the surrounding people, she grabbed Shen Dongyu’s sleeve and was about to just leave: “Go back with me, you’re not allowed to stay here!”

Shen Dongyu tried to suppress his mood, like he used to do, letting Yu Nuan pull him away, but his whole body was shivering. His stress and depression turned into anger and anxiety. “You just want me to die, I turned into this kind of shitty appearance but you’re still like this, not even trying to understand me! Why won’t you listen to me at all, just blaming me for everything! Just what did I do wrong?!”

In front of Yu Nuan’s calm pretense, he repeatedly asked: “I deserve their violent treatment, deserve kneeling even though it wasn’t my fault, deserve you both not asking about my feelings for the sake of money, making me stay at that shitty school for so long! Don’t I deserve this, so what did you even give birth to me for, why not just let me die!”

The acceleration of his breathing made his head hot, his cheeks and mouth became numb, and his entire face gradually lost sensation. He couldn’t bear this torture and knelt down by the side of the road, holding himself up with his hands to prevent falling down. The voice in his head kept echoing, no one else knows, no one else understands. 

There was only scolding and blame left for him. He didn’t want to be a lunatic under all the endurance of pain. 

Even a lunatic may be able to receive some charity and pity, but he may be a hateful lunatic, whom no one will pity.

He was like a small and filthy ant. Behind his graceful surface, there was his body breaking apart. 

This was the first time Yu Nuan saw Shen Dongyu’s illness with her own eyes. Seeing him laughing and crying, her heart clenched. It was too late to regret. She reached out both hands and wanted to help him up, but she didn’t dare to take even a half step forward. She could hear Shen Dongyu hoarsely telling her to fuck off.

She had made too many mistakes. Yu Nuan wouldn’t have the courage to approach her own son ever again.

His consciousness finally recovered after he kneeled on the ground for a while. When he stood back up, Yu Nuan had already left. He walked home quivering. The withered leaves drifted in the air, traced the lines of Shen Dongyu’s lonely back view, fell to the ground, and finally got blown away by the wind.

In the corridor heading home, Shen Dongyu met up with Jiang Yuan, delivering his dinner.

They chatted in the room, and Jiang Yuan touched his face, telling him to eat more, he’d gotten too thin.

As Shen Dongyu ate the chicken soup, big droplets of tears fell into the bowl. Jiang Yuan didn’t ask him why, only hoping for him not to cry.

After finishing the soup, Shen Dongyu poured some water and prepared to take medicine. He drank a gulp of water, but didn’t take the medicine with it. He chewed the pills dryly, vaguely telling Jiang Yuan that he was going to Beijing to see Chen Jingchuan, and gave the white pills in his hand to Jiang Yuan: “Does auntie want some? It’s very sweet.”

Jiang Yuan couldn’t bear such an atmosphere anymore. Looking into Shen Dongyu’s now dull and lifeless eyes, she left to give Shen Shuran a call, but it wasn’t answered, so she had to leave a message that their mother came over, and A’Yu was traumatized.

Shen Dongyu unconsciously swallowed a few sleeping pills. When the effects of the medicine were about to paralyze his nerves, he shattered a cup in anger, then picked up a piece of the glass and scratched at the artery.

The red blood gurgled as it flowed down to the floor. He fearlessly stared at the wound, as if admiring it, but also as if enjoying the pleasure and satisfaction brought by the pain.

He tried calling Chen Jingchuan again. Fortunately, Chen Jingchuan wasn’t busy, and the two chatted with each other about their recent situations.

Chen Jingchuan laughed in happiness, not knowing that Shen Dongyu was dying. His lips were pale from the severe bleeding, and his body quivered and cramped. When he fainted in a coma, Chen Jingchuan thought he had fallen asleep, so he gently told him goodnight, Dongyu.

When she got off the airplane, after the continuous vibration of her phone quieted down, Shen Shuran’s pupil suddenly shrank from fear, covering her mouth that was about to scream. On her usually emotionless face, now appeared the most clear and candid pain and fear.

In front of her eyes was a picture from three in the morning of Shen Dongyu. 

He had slit his wrist and committed suicide.

TL: the angst…..

This cliffhanger wasn’t really intentional, but there really isn’t a good spot to split off the chapter in the middle. No promises, but I’ll see if I can post the rest of this chapter ahead of schedule