CH 25

Before the Chinese New Year, Shen Shuran landed in Beijing and went to Chen Jingchuan’s residence.

Shen Shuran didn’t wait long. When she arrived at the apartment, Chen Jingchuan had already packed Shen Dongyu’s luggage.

They handled it well and didn’t have too much intimacy. But the atmosphere between the three of them was still somewhat uncomfortable.

Before returning to Shanghai, Shen Shuran suggested in the taxi that she wanted to take Shen Dongyu to the hospital again.

But Shen Dongyu refused.

“I want to try not taking medicine.” Shen Dongyu sat sideways slightly and looked at Shen Shuran very calmly.

Shen Shuran looked at Shen Dongyu in astonishment and asked in confusion, “Why?”

Shen Dongyu smiled easily and told Shen Shuran about his recent status: “I haven’t taken medicine for a week, and I’m very happy every day.”

There were some traffic jams in Beijing at this time. The taxi driver drove and stopped, and the evening radio station was playing on the radio. Shen Shuran never listened to these. The only things surrounding her were documents and work arrangements sent by her assistant.

Shen Shuran may not want to break Shen Dongyu’s yearning for Chen Jingchuan, but she wanted Shen Dongyu to understand: there were many ways to love, and it’s wrong to put yourself in an unstable way and rely on the other person to maintain your emotions.

“A’Yu.” Shen Shuran called him, speaking to him in a rare rhetorical tone: “Will Chen Jingchuan’s parents agree?”

Shen Dongyu’s raised eyes did not move, and he replied firmly, “He will tell Auntie Jiang Yuan.”

“They’ll agree as long as he says it? Have you imagined the consequences?” Shen Shuran frowned with a serious expression, as if she were talking about unqualified work. “Maybe you haven’t thought about it, but what will you do if they don’t agree? Be deeply affected by it, then choose suicide like you did a few years ago?”

Shen Shuran’s words were sharp and straightforward, and the volume gradually increased. The last words attracted the attention of the driver in the front seat.

Shen Shuran glanced in the rearview mirror and quickly looked away.

Shen Dongyu gradually became irritable, and his chest heaved. Shen Shuran’s words easily affected him, and he stopped responding.

Shen Shuran’s emotions and tone slowly became less agitated, and he calmly guided: “The correct way is to treat the condition so that you can withstand all blows rather than surrendering yourself to the other party sacrificially.”

As much as Shen Dongyu wanted to refute, his reasons were as barren and pale. He could only take the initiative to ask the driver to go to the People’s Hospital first, and undergo testing and treatment with Shen Shuran’s accompaniment.

Chen Jingchuan returned to Shanghai not long after. He drove Shen Dongyu to Jinshan Beach, which he had never been to before. It was a bit cold in the evening, with sleet and snow falling in the changeable weather. They drove away along the way with a gust of sea breeze.

In the car, Shen Dongyu sat on his right side, in the passenger seat, looking out the window at the dim and rainy city streets, listening to the music carelessly, feeling drowsy.

They didn’t go home, but booked a double bedroom in the city center at Chen Jingchuan’s suggestion.

In the warm quilt, Chen Jingchuan answered several work calls. Shen Dongyu was held in his arms, with his legs curled up and almost lying on his body. His exposed ears listened to the vibrations coming from the chest to the throat.

They were all work-related, and Shen Dongyu could occasionally understand the stories about the content of the calls.

From outside the window came scattered sounds on the street corner with the lively jokes on the phone, making them feel the distance that they were about to return to, in an environment where they couldn’t be intimate. This distance pulled them extremely far apart.

That day, Jiang Yuan called to urge them, so they went back slowly.

As soon as they arrived home, Li Muxu and Yan Xin followed closely behind. Jiang Yuan cooked two pots of tangyuan and prepared to eat. Everyone sat at the table and looked at each other. Only Li Muxu talked a lot, and Shen Shuran and Yan Xin occasionally agreed.

Chen Jingchuan was silent, listening to their jokes, and then looked at Chen Lu and Jiang Yuan, who were busy in the kitchen. In the lively and warm atmosphere, maybe it wouldn’t be so difficult to accept the confession at this moment.

And Jiang Yuan had always liked Shen Dongyu.

Everyone was chatting absentmindedly, their eyes constantly wandering between Chen Jingchuan and Shen Dongyu. Shen Shuran wanted to take Shen Dongyu away, hoping that the farce wouldn’t happen, but she couldn’t bear to make him sad.

The last dish in Jiang Yuan’s reunion dinner has already been cooked. Chen Lu went to get wine to start the meal. Chen Jingchuan stood up and urged Jiang Yuan to come over for dinner quickly. However, Li Muxu said directly to Shen Dongyu at this moment that he must be responsible if he said anything wrong.

The sound of cooking fumes covered up these words. Jiang Yuan and Chen Lu didn’t hear them. Only the atmosphere at the dining table in the living room dropped to the extreme. Even if Yan Xin wanted to apologize for Li Muxu, Chen Jingchuan couldn’t take away his disappointed eyes.

Shen Dongyu bit the tip of his tongue between his teeth, but looked straight at Shen Shuran. Even though the smell of blood filled his mouth, he still did not stop self-torture. The pain in his nerve endings made it impossible for him to sit calmly. Shen Dongyu knew that Li Muxu was forcing him to either give up or spend the new year safely.

“I’m going out for a while.” Shen Dongyu stood up and said to Chen Jingchuan.

“What’re you going to do?” Chen Jingchuan pulled his sleeves, not wanting him to leave his sight: “It’s cold outside.”

Shen Dongyu took away his fingers, exhausted both physically and mentally, but still smiled at Chen Jingchuan, trying to reassure him: “I’m just getting some air.”

Shen Dongyu opened the door and left without looking back, and the atmosphere at the table became even weirder. Yan Xin’s breathing became extremely heavy, and even the peaceful voices of Jiang Yuan and Chen Lu couldn’t cover up her nervousness, which made her want to vomit.

She didn’t know why she wanted to cry at this moment. She just wanted Shen Dongyu and Chen Jingchuan to live peacefully in Beijing, where there was a home and a key for both of them. As long as they open the door, they only need to face each other without having to worry about who will object, so they can hug and kiss without restraint, saying I love you and other sweet and ordinary words.

Regardless of their gender, they were just ordinary people. Shen Dongyu didn’t have a good and innocent family like Li Muxu, who had a pair of parents who loved him, an excellent resume, and a wide circle of friends. They were people from two worlds. What Li Muxu had within reach was something Shen Dongyu only received ten years ago. Even if he found a treasure, there was only that single treasure.

Li Muxu wanted to say something more, but Yan Xin held down his right hand forcefully.

Cigarettes were lit in the midst of fireworks at the end of the year, and the burning tobacco shreds were like colorful flowers blooming in the starry sky in the dark night. They were extinguished together with the dilapidated lights, and disappeared into the sky in an instant.

Shen Dongyu was sitting on the narrow and steep stairs, leaning against the stiff and cold iron handrail, and the pile of cigarette handles at his feet was gradually increasing. From time to time, he looked deep into the corridor, and in a daze, he met Chen Jingchuan’s youthful figure again, and heard the hearty and gentle tone.

“Dongyu.”

The deserted corridor echoed with sounds that overlapped with those in his memory. Looking back through the lingering smoke, his face was filled with tears.

“What are you worried about?” Chen Jingchuan held Shen Dongyu’s chin, his heart spasming with pain. He wanted Shen Dongyu to have more confidence in him: “Don’t be afraid, alright? I’ll always be with you.”

Shen Dongyu was silent, threw away the cigarette, took the initiative to unzip his down jacket, took Chen Jingchuan’s warm palm from under the hem of his clothes, placed it firmly on his heart, and then kissed Chen Jingchuan’s lips reverently and affectionately. While biting, what he wanted to say was quickly drowned out.

As the hot kiss gradually cooled down, Chen Jingchuan rubbed the corners of his lips and asked him what he wanted to say to him just now.

Shen Dongyu lowered his eyelids and shook his head. He had never said anything like this before. Once he said it, he couldn’t take it back, and he didn’t know how to package the words in a warm and happy way.

He obviously couldn’t hold it anymore, but he still didn’t dare to take it out.

He also knew that someone was listening at this moment, listening to the ending of these years, and there was a question buried in his heart.

“Say it, I want to hear it.” Chen Jingchuan had never been more excited than he was now. Even if he pretended to be calm, his trembling tone seriously betrayed him: “Do you dare to say it?”

The expectation and encouragement in Chen Jingchuan’s eyes made Shen Dongyu lose his long-term cowardice and fear. Hot tears overflowed from the corners of his eyes one after another, and blood poured into his heart, which was bulging and sore——

I’m in love with you. Shen Dongyu said. I love you, Chen Jingchuan.

“I love you so much.” Shen Dongyu grabbed the corner of his clothes tightly and looked desperately into Chen Jingchuan’s eyes with blurred vision, hoping that he could see more clearly. He didn’t want to lose Chen Jingchuan, as if he wanted to obtain for himself a way to not fail: “So much that I could die.”

Suppressed words poured into their ears, and the sound of porcelain bowls breaking on the ground suddenly came from above their heads. Yan Xin’s exclamation made Chen Jingchuan and Shen Dongyu know that the person standing at the stairs for a long time was Jiang Yuan.

The sleet gradually turned into heavy snow. Chen Jingchuan didn’t want to miss the first snow of the new year with Shen Dongyu, so he and Shen Dongyu walked out from Nanjing Road and admired it along the way.

They planned to take a taxi to the airport when they got tired from walking.

In a dimly lit place, they held hands quietly, like they were falling in love when they were students. When someone appeared, Shen Dongyu hurriedly pulled away, making Chen Jingchuan throw his head back and laugh.

In the midst of laughter, they walked to the asphalt road behind their home, where the wooden bridge was broken and they had passed it a few years ago. The ginkgo trees there were all bare, and the ground was full of residual leaves.

“People seem to have forgotten this place.” Shen Dongyu looked around, seeing only cold wind and drifting snow.

Chen Jingchuan put his arms around his shoulders and said with red lips from the cold, “I remember.”

Shen Dongyu’s lips gently pressed against the side of his face and continued to move forward.

The wooden bridge was still in a broken state. Shen Dongyu remembered what Chen Jingchuan had said on the phone before when he promised to wait for him to come back from Beijing for a walk together and asked, like the past year, “Will you come again next year?”

“I will.” Chen Jingchuan replied.

After saying that, the brief silence was interrupted again by a call.

It was Yu Nuan.1Shen Dongyu’s mom

Yu Nuan carefully wished him a happy new year and hoped to see him again after the new year. Shen Jiaying also missed him and his sister, and apologized to Shen Dongyu. But Shen Dongyu looked at Chen Jingchuan against the background of the deep and distant night sky, and suddenly realized that he didn’t blame anyone, but he didn’t forgive either. It was just that everything became irrelevant.

Shen Dongyu promised to go back after the new year, and Yu Nuan hung up the phone happily.

The snow fell heavily, and there were small water droplets on Shen Dongyu’s sweater, which dampened Chen Jingchuan who was hugging him.

They left there and saw the horizontal overpass and walked up, as if they could extend the time to enjoy the snowy scene. Standing on the overpass that extended in four different directions and looked towards the center of the city, Shen Dongyu felt blank deep in his heart as the heavy snow fell on his face.

Chen Jingchuan wiped off the water droplets on his face with his thumb, kissed him gently, and said, “Come with me, and that apartment in Beijing will be your home from now on.”

Before Shen Dongyu could answer, Chen Jingchuan asked him again if he was afraid. Shen Dongyu wasn’t afraid, and demonstrated by leaning into Chen Jingchuan’s arms.

There was a lot of snow on the overpass, and their shoes were wet with water. The cold toes had no sense of body heat, and even felt numb pain.

Chen Jingchuan pressed his lips against Shen Dongyu’s lips again, then carried Shen Dongyu on his back and slowly walked toward their home. They watched the leaves on the wuton trees fall and the lights in the office building go out. Heads covered by the white snow, they, once again, head for a path where their heartbeats would stir from their previous innocence.2TITLE DROP! Okay so this is some crazy wordplay. The title could also be translated as “ignorant/naive/innocent crush”, which makes sense for Shen Dongyu’s feelings towards Chen Jingchuan all the way up to the confession. And here in this sentence, the author wrote it as 从无知走向心动. 无知 is still the exact same meaning of ignorance/innocence, but 心动 has multiple meanings. Besides meaning “crush” and “heartbeat”, it could also be “emotional excitement” (among other various types of excitements). Now we know that Shen Dongyu has depression, and up to now, “no emotional fluctuation” has been used to describe his state multiple times throughout the chapters. But here, this sentence is saying that he’s now heading for emotional fluctuations from his previous state of ignorance (of emotions). What a title. The author is amazing.

Fate once hinted to Shen Dongyu that Chen Jingchuan did not belong to him, but the snowflakes flying in the sky still fell on Shen Dongyu’s shoulders, and the umbrella still hit Shen Dongyu’s head when he stood by the riverside.

TL: And that’s the end! While it wasn’t a perfect story by any means, I really liked the story and the depiction of Shen Dongyu, as well as his road to recovery. Thank you for reading this far and sticking with Shen Dongyu and Chen Jingchuan’s journey! (and my first translation project :P). Hope you guys enjoyed! ^^