Volume 3 - CH 14

Chapter 14: Hot Milk

“Do you like coffee?”

When we arrived, I let Sayu-chan sit on the couch before I filled up the kettle and turned on the stove.

Sayu-chan shook her head at my question.

“I’m not good with bitter stuff.”

“I see… How about some hot milk? In the meantime, you should drink something warm and calm down.”

Sayu-chan nodded, so I took out the milk from the fridge and poured it into an insulated glass cup. I put it inside the microwave then pressed the “beverage” button.

Even though I said it’s better to drink something warm, I noticed the room has felt humid since we just came back. Drinking something warm in here would just make her sweat. I picked up the remote from the table and switched the air conditioner to “dry” mode.

I glanced at Sayu-chan, who looked uncomfortable sitting at the edge of the couch with her shoulders tensed. She really is a worrywart.

When the microwave beeped, I took the cup out and shouted “Hot!” One side of the cup was really hot.

“A-Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. It’s a cheap microwave.”

I answered as I gestured to Sayu-chan, who had stood up from the couch, to sit down. She sat back down reluctantly.

I waited for a while before touching the cup to check the temperature. It was already safe to hold.

I brought the cup of hot milk to the table in front of the couch.

“Here you go.”

“T-Thank you.”

Sayu-chan nodded a few times and put on a restrained smile. Suddenly, the kettle started whistling. Perfect timing.

After watching a movie, I always feel like drinking coffee. I took out my favorite ground coffee, set the filter paper into the dripper, and poured the coffee into the filter.

Placing the dripper over the coffee pot, I poured some hot water in for pre-infusion. After that, I slowly poured more hot water. I loved the aroma that drifted out at that moment.

“Ah~”

Even Sayu-chan, who was sitting on the couch, let out a sound and looked over.

“That’s a nice smell.”

“Right?”

“I don’t like the taste… But I like this smell.”

“That’s great.”

With that, the conversation died again. However, it wasn’t an awkward kind of silence—just one where we both were quietly unwinding. Glancing at Sayu-chan, her expression looked more relaxed compared to a few minutes earlier.

Once the pot was filled, I moved the dripper to the sink and poured the coffee into my mug. As the white steam rose above the mug, the rich smell of coffee appealed to my senses once again.

I breathed in and out.

I brought my mug and sat down next to Sayu-chan. This might be the first time this couch has had more than one person sitting on it at a time. I thought it was too big a couch for a person who lives alone, but with two people it feels slightly cramped.

We both sipped our hot milk and coffee in silence for a few minutes.

Finally, I spoke up.

“Seems like you’re being pursued.”

Sayu-chan forced a smile at my words.

“Looks like it.”

“I’ll ask just to be sure.”

I tried to adjust the tone of my voice to avoid coming off as stern.

“You’re not running away because you committed a crime or anything, right?”

Sayu-chan shook her head wildly at my question.

“I’ve never done anything against the law! It’s just…”

Her words came to a sudden halt, and her gaze wandered across the floor as if looking for the words to say. I waited for her to continue, but she remained silent. Seeing the clearly troubled Sayu-chan, I let out a sigh. It wasn’t like I wanted to bully her.

“I won’t ask for details. I heard the gist of the situation from Yoshida-senpai.”

I gently stroked her head as I said that. Sayu-chan sighed as if she had calmed down a little, and said “Thank you…” in a fading voice.

I’ve gotten a rough account from Yoshida-senpai. She ran away from home somewhere far away and hasn’t gone back in months. Currently, she’s staying at Yoshida-senpai’s place.

Now, she’s being pursued by either her family or someone close. I think the reason she didn’t want to talk about why she ran away is that Yoshida-senpai probably doesn’t know about it either.

“Well, no matter what the circumstances are…”

I said while still stroking Sayu-chan’s head.

“You can no longer ignore the fact that someone is looking for you.”

From an adult’s perspective, that much was obvious. However, Sayu-chan likely doesn’t understand the real meaning behind it.

Judging from how Sayu-chan quickly noticed her pursuer, she’s probably already aware that she’s being tracked. If not, there’s no way she would have noticed the pursuer before they found her.

Even with someone chasing her, she was still leisurely grocery shopping like that. Plus, she’s hiding the fact that someone’s on her heels from Yoshida-senpai.

She’s being way too nonchalant.

Sayu-chan responded, but with her eyes closed.

“I know.”

“Huh?”

I couldn’t help but let out that expression. Seemingly confused, Sayu-chan raised her head and looked at me.

“Do you really understand?”

“Yes.”

“…Well, you say you understand but you sure took your time shopping for groceries.”

I noticed that there were clear hints of annoyance within my words, but it couldn’t be helped. I’m annoyed.

“Doing the housework was Yoshida-san’s condition to live in his house… No matter the situation, I can’t neglect that.”

“No, this clearly isn’t the time for that.”

I got even more annoyed at her answer. It’s not like Yoshida-senpai would die, or she’d get kicked out if she didn’t do the housework. I don’t understand why she’s still thinking about her “public facade[1]” now.

“Then, what do you plan to do about your relationship with Yoshida-senpai?”

“R-Relationship?”

I could feel myself talking faster and faster.

“A relationship is a relationship. You already know what that means, right? You’ve already come to rely on each other mentally. Getting torn apart suddenly, no way you two can be oka—”

What am I saying? Saying all these things to Sayu-chan… What am I trying to pull off? I wasn’t supposed to say anything unnecessary. Even though I knew that, I couldn’t stop. It was just annoying that she was so oblivious.

“That’s…”

As Sayu-chan stuttered, I continued to press on.

“What do you really think of Yoshida-senpai? Is he just your benefactor? Or is he a potential love interest?”

As I let out a sigh, the smartphone that I had left on the table suddenly vibrated. I clicked my tongue and picked it up. It was a message from Yoshida-senpai.

「 Huh? What’s this all about? Also, I don’t know where you live. 」

I’m sure you don’t. You weren’t interested in knowing after all.

I opened the messaging app, typed in my home address, and sent it to Yoshida-senpai. I put the smartphone back on the table after that.

During all that time, Sayu-chan was quiet.

“In any case, you had a goal when you ran away from home and ended up in Yoshida-senpai’s house. Were you able to achieve that goal? If they drag you away before you do, then what’s the meaning of everything you did — for your life, and for all the people who spent their time with you?”

I was surprised at how critical I am to Sayu-chan.

This is just self-righteousness disguised as a lecture. I knew that. I knew, yet I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t find it in myself to forgive this “oblivious girl” in front of me.

Sayu-chan was left speechless. She looked troubled, and it seemed that she was seriously looking for an answer.

There’s no need to answer, I thought. I was just asking questions I already knew the answer to. The fact that she’s still at Yoshida-senpai’s place, made it clear to me that she has no answers and that she isn’t ready to answer yet.

As I thought about it, I felt like an idiot.

I really am a shitty adult.

“Sorry… You don’t have to answer.”

Sayu-chan looked at me with a curious expression as if trying to figure out my intentions.

I smiled bitterly and shook my head.

“I was a little mean to you.”

Sayu-chan showed a surprised expression, saying “Oh, that’s…” before closing her mouth like she just thought of something.

She must have thought that I was asking her with kind intentions.

She’s really an honest, good girl. Also, pitiful.

Was Yoshida-senpai charmed by this pitiful nature? When I thought about that, I was even more disgusted with myself.

The smartphone on the table vibrated, but it’s probably just Yoshida-senpai responding “I’m on my way.” I ignored it and took a sip of my coffee. The bitter taste and the slightly sweet smell calmed me.

“…You should drink it before it gets cold.”

I pointed to the cup of hot milk on the table in front of Sayu-chan. She nodded and picked up the cup. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything worse than hot milk that has gone cold.

For a while, we sipped on our drinks in silence.

With a slightly calmer mind, I decided to contemplate.

Ever since I fell in love with Yoshida-senpai, I’ve constantly thought about him. I don’t believe this feeling will fade away anytime soon. Something that’s born will continue to live unless it dies.

I think Sayu-chan and Yoshida-senpai are tied by a “special bond,” something that never existed between me and Yoshida-senpai. Whether that’s friendship, affection, or even romantic feelings, I can’t really tell.

However, they are both oblivious to the “special bond” they’ve developed. Also, they’re not trying to desperately resist nor escape from the situation, even as the relationship is about to end. It makes me mad just thinking about it.

Compared to a few minutes ago when I was enraged without even knowing why, I felt much calmer as I slowly organized my feelings.

“If you find out later, it’ll be too late.”

When I broke the silence, Sayu-chan turned and looked at me.

“Although, telling this to a high school girl… I doubt it would make sense.”

I think that if I had been told something like this in high school, I probably wouldn’t get it. Even though I’m aware of that, I wanted to say it, so I did.

“There are people you can only meet now, and there are things you can only do now.”

When I said that, Sayu-chan slightly opened her mouth as if something just occurred to her. I continued talking.

“Even if you get to meet them again, you might not be able to do what you wanted to do anymore.”

I think the reason we’re unable to picture the future well is that our perception of time is always the “present.” The “present” flows continuously, and before you know it, a lot of time had passed. We don’t know how long our current feelings will last, and neither do we know how long we can continue seeing the people we see every day. Later, even if you lament the “things you didn’t do then,” there’s nothing you can do.

I glared at Sayu-chan.

“You resisted, Sayu-chan. You couldn’t cope with the status quo. You gave up on staying there and ran away with all your might.”

All the way here.

Come to think of it, it takes great determination and strength for a high school girl to be away from home for more than half a year. It meant there was a reality she wanted to run away from, no matter how taxing it would be physically and mentally.

Many people sink into a state of resignation. They feel hopeless but can’t bring themselves to solve their problems nor find the will to escape from them. I know lots of people like that my age. I’d say Sayu-chan’s way ahead of them.

I don’t think it’s right to end such a desperate escape with a complacent ending.

“You’re the only one who knows what you want to do right now.”

Sayu-chan’s eyes started to well up.

“No one can tell you what’s in your heart but you.”

“…Yes.”

Sayu-chan nodded as she said that in a low voice.

“You don’t have much time… You have to think seriously about what you want to do right now.”

As I finished talking, Sayu-chan got all teary-eyed. She looked downwards and nodded again.

“Yes…!”

Sayu-chan replied in a nasal voice. I stroked her head again.

She had her head down for quite a while, but then she suddenly looked at me.

“It was just as Yoshida-san had said.”

“Huh?”

When Yoshida-senpai’s name was suddenly mentioned, I accidentally let that expression out.

With an embarrassed look on her face, Sayu-chan tried to mimic Yoshida-senpai.

“‘She’s really good at living her life, you know? It’s amazing how she looks at everything as it is in life and thinks before she acts…’ That’s what he said to me the other day.”

“I-Is that so…?”

I blushed at what Sayu-chan had just said. I didn’t know that Yoshida-senpai saw me that way.

As I felt a gaze on me, I looked over at Sayu-chan and was startled.

She was looking at me with an expression that seemed to suggest something like “I’m glad.” Yet, there was a hint of sadness in her slightly furrowed brows.

When I saw the look on her face, I realized something.

I heard that Sayu-chan had also met Gotou-san. If so, she may have noticed that Gotou-san likes Yoshida-senpai. Furthermore, Sayu-chan and I had confessed both of our feelings at the park, without knowing we were talking about the same person. In other words, she’s aware of my feelings towards Yoshida-senpai as well.

If that’s the case, then Sayu-chan isn’t unaware of her own feelings.

In fact, she’s aware of her feelings for Yoshida-senpai…

“Sayu-chan.”

“Yes?”

As I called out to her, she naturally tilted her head. The unique expression on her face a moment ago has somehow disappeared.

“Perhaps, you…”

When I started talking, the intercom buzzed.

I looked at my smartphone and the screen suddenly lit up.

「 I’m here. 」

I got the message from Yoshida-senpai.

“…That was quick.”

He probably ran all the way here. I walked over to open the door.

“…Hey.”

“You’re quick.”

As expected, Yoshida-senpai was out of breath as he stood in front of my door. Looking impatient, he asked me.

“Where’s Sayu?”

I sighed.

“…She’s here. We coincidentally met in front of the station. Since it’s weird chatting while standing there, I asked her to come to my place. Isn’t that right, Sayu-chan?”

As I turned back and said that out loud, Sayu-chan suddenly popped out in the corner and said, “Y-Yes, that’s right!” I was relieved that Sayu-chan could naturally match my excuse without any signal, unlike Yoshida-senpai. Even though she’s honest by nature, it seems like she’s used to this stuff.

I looked back to Yoshida-senpai and immediately regretted it.

The expression on Yoshida-senpai’s face was something I’ve seen in movies before. It’s the expression of “the protagonist reuniting with his beloved after a long time.” From Yoshida-senpai’s actions, I could tell that Sayu-chan’s existence had become increasingly important to him. But this display of great resolve in front of me hit home.

“…Do you want to come in for a bit?”

I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

“Nah, I just came to pick her up.”

“Right.”

I answered wryly and looked over at Sayu-chan.

“Did you finish your hot milk?”

“Ah, yes. It was delicious. Thank you.”

“It’s nothing… Well, now that Yoshida-senpai’s here, I guess you should go.”

“Yes, um…”

Sayu-chan stood up and lowered her head to me.

“Thank you very much for today.”

Sayu-chan’s words made my heart ache.

Why was she thanking me? I only brought her here on a whim, and then spouted some nonsense. It made me feel more and more miserable.

“It’s nothing… Hang in there, okay?”

Those were the only words I could squeeze out of my brain.

Sayu-chan tried to put her shoes on while holding the groceries with one hand. Yoshida-senpai saw that and took the shopping bag from her without a word.

“T-Thank you.”

“Hurry up and put on your shoes.”

I instinctively looked away from that interaction. It was all too natural. Sayu-chan finished putting on her shoes and stood up.

“Thank you for having me.”

“No problem. See you soon.”

I doubted that we would see each other again, but I still said it. Sayu-chan nodded, and with a smiling face said, “See you soon.”

“Alright then, see you tomorrow.”

Yoshida-senpai waved goodbye as he looked at me.

“Ah, I gave you my address, but you’re not allowed to use it to stalk me.”

“I won’t, idiot.”

“Hehe, good night then.”

I made a short remark as I tried to escape his line of sight and then closed the door.

I could hear their footsteps through the door as they walked away.

After a few seconds, when the sound of their footsteps was gone, my legs gave way. I fell to the ground and sat near the doorway.

“…It’s unfair.”

I found myself mumbling.

“…Why is it so unfair?”

I felt my eyes slowly warming up, and before I knew it, tears were rolling down my cheeks. My vision blurred.

When I started liking Yoshida-senpai, he was already in love with Gotou-san for a long time. There was nothing I could do. They already knew each other and spent time together way before I joined the company. I can’t go back in time and get in between them. Because of the difference in time spent together, I had no choice but to try another approach. I was finally convinced.

The encounter was nothing but a “coincidence,” then suddenly, they started living together. Now, Yoshida-senpai’s only concern is Sayu-chan. He’s worried about Sayu-chan’s future while also keeping his love for Gotou-san ambiguous. I could tell from his expression that his feelings for Sayu-chan are just a hair’s breadth away from being romantic.

An acquaintance from high school named Kanda-san showed up, and the way Yoshida-senpai looked at her was completely different from the way he looked at me. His gaze was one of yearning.

Why is that?

“You’re all unfair…  Really unfair.”

It’s unfair.

Those words filled my heart.

“I love Yoshida-senpai too. I love him as much as anybody…”

I wanted to show my burning passion in a way that everyone could see.

Yoshida-senpai’s feelings were moving, without a care for my feelings, in a place that has nothing to do with me. I’m always watching him, but at the core of his feelings, I’m nonexistent.

That doesn’t make any sense.

“If it isn’t a matter of who he met first… Why am I not ‘one of them’?”

As I said it, my throat burned, and the tears flowed. I was sobbing, and it was painful.

Truth is stranger than fiction, as they say.

When it comes to meetings in life, there’s no detailed “foreshadowing” and “trigger” like those in romance novels. There’s no clear reason involved. We’re naturally attracted and connected.

To someone unaccepting of that fact, the reality is cruel.

I cried while sitting on the ground.

I thought, “I’ve never cried so much in my life.”

[1] Editor’s Note: It’s originally written as ‘tatemae’ (建前) which refers to the behavior that people adopt in public, according to what’s socially accepted or not by Japanese society.