Chapter 100: Diplomatic Immunity

Chapter 100: Diplomatic Immunity

Arent they the ones who are after us? asked Claire.

We were in an empty corridor, all bunched up in front of the door to the Carpenters Guild, with no one keen to go in.

Yes. Most of them will be out looking for us, so chances are therell only be a few of them in here. If we can get to their boss, maybe we can sort this without having to fight.

Claires eyes narrowed as she processed my logic. She looked over at the others who didnt exactly brim with enthusiasm either.

One sec, said Claire, and they all huddled together. Intense discussions followed, but in whispers I couldnt hear. If I had a watch, I would have looked at it impatiently.

Okay, said Claire. We dont think thats a good idea.

Mm hmm, I said. Who gives a fuck? Youre the guys who went on a zero-risk mission and ended up on death row. If you dont think its a good idea, its probably a brilliant idea. I was a little irritated.

Were not trying to tell you what to do, but even we might have some suggestions worth considering, once in a while, said Claire, defiantly sticking her chin out.

Like what? I was genuinely curious, for the comedy value. My sudden interest in what she had in mind seemed to throw her.

Well She spun around and reconvened the UN Insecurity Council.

Okay, enough, I said. They all paused in their deliberations to look at me. If we managed to somehow get out of this aliveI know its a big ifbut assuming we did, I had planned to dissolve our band of merry adventurers. Quit while were ahead. But its pretty obvious you lot have reached a point where you have the confidence to make your own decisions and do things your own way. Which is great. So, why dont we just end it right now? Ill go in here and deal with the carpenters, you lot make your way to the surface and then go live a life devoid of common sense. I have no doubt that somehow youll make it work.

But what about the men looking for us? said Maurice.

The truth is, they arent looking for you, theyre looking for me. Im the one they want. Go, try not to get into too much trouble, and Im sure youll be fine. Better than fine, probably far in the future, when youre walking down a street, with your kids and your happiness and your double chins from eating too many cream cakes in your mansion, you might see me begging in the street, one leg missing and an eye patch. Just drop a couple of coins in my wooden bowl and pretend you dont recognise me, and you can consider us quits.

They all stared at me. Flossie raised her hand.

Yes, Flossie?

How did you lose the leg.

It was a fair question. Inane, but fair.

A dragon ate it. There was a princess who promised me half her kingdom if I saved her, but after I killed the dragon, she changed her mind. And before you ask, the eyes fine, I just wear an eye patch to impress the other beggars.

Dont you think you should stop this, said Jenny.

Thats what Im trying to do.

No, said Jenny, I mean stop feeling sorry for yourself. This idea you have that the world is against you and nothing ever works out in your favour, its getting a bit old.

I didnt really know how to respond to that. It was like the teacher announcing to the class youd wet yourself. Which never happened to me, of course. Mrs Maxwell, Class 2B. Bitch.

Youre probably right, I said. Its hard to get up in the mornings without at least one slice of self-pity and a hot cup of bitterness, but Ill try. Assuming I dont die in here, first.

Colin, just stop. Jenny sounded angry. Youre our leader. We dont follow you because theres no other choice, we follow you because we believe in you.

I looked at Jenny like she might be having some kind of breakdown. The others were looking at her in much the same way.

Do you really think if some smooth, good-looking smart-arse came along and offered us the chance to team up with him and his friends, wed all jump at the chance and leave you behind?

Yes! I said.Thats exactly what youd do. Right?

The others made non-committal head bobs. I dont think they knew which answer they were supposed to give. The source of this content nov(el)bi((n))

And I wouldnt blame you.

No said Jenny very firmly. We wouldnt do that. Right?

She got the same indecisive head-bobbing reaction.

Youre the leader, she insisted. You cant just offer suggestions and then say, But, hey, do what you want. You need to be firm. With all of us. When you give us an order, you should expect us to do it. And if we dont, then punish us.

The irritation I felt a few moments ago had gone, to be replaced by mild confusion. Not that I didnt agree with what she was saying, but why was she the one giving this speech? And why so aggressively? It was like someone offering their surrender by shoving a white flag down your throat.

Discipline doesnt appear out of thin air. You have to enforce it. Especially early on. She turned to the others who looked horrified by what she was saying. I dont know what youre going to do, but Im going to follow him to the end. Even if thats five minutes from now.

Id say the general atmosphere was one of Forget the off button, take out her batteries!

Do you really think this will work? said Claire. It wasnt so much a question as a stunned request for confirmation.

Jenny shrugged. Even if we go in fully committed, success isnt guaranteed. But if we do this half-hearted, I think well definitely fail. All I know is that only he would think to come here when anyone else would try to get as far away as possible. And that sort of insane thinking has saved my life more than once. He is the leader, even if he doesnt believe it.

Claire looked at Maurice who looked at Dudley who looked at Flossie who looked at Claire. They could have quite easily kept this going for a couple of hours.

Okay, I said. You guys take a vote or form a caucus or whatever and let me know. I pushed the door open and walked into the guild office. A quick death had started to seem quite appealing.

Inside, there was a large desk that took up half the room, behind which sat a small woman with a lot of hair. I mean big hair, piled up high and wide. It was a wonder she didnt tip over.

Yes? She sounded like she had better things to do, even though she was just sitting there.

I looked around the room. It was fairly large and nicely designedlots of wood panelling as youd expect in the Carpenters Guildbut it was hard to miss the main feature, which were two enormous men, holding enormous spears, armed to the teeth, standing either side of large double doors.

Ah, hello. My mind was suddenly blank. Why had I thought this was good idea again?

There was a rush of air behind me as the door opened and the rest of my party joined me. Had anything been resolved? Probably not. If we did get out of here alive, I still expected them to go off to do their own thing. But I did feel strangely comforted by having them there.

Is the Guildmaster available? I asked the secretary.

She gave me a curious look, like she was deciding whether or not to press the button under her desk that would drop us into a shark tank. She looked over at the men by the door, who didnt move or react in any way. If this was a real carpenters guild, I might have suspected they were carved out of wood.

Shes very busy. Whats this in relation to?

The Guildmaster was a woman. I had assumed it was a man because either it was statistically more likely for the person running a violent criminal organisation in a pre-industrial society to be male, or Im a sexist twat. Feel free to apply your own preconceptions.

Its, um, a contract for the removal of some trees.

I think you want the Lumberjack Guild.

Marion! I snapped my fingers. The ball popped, releasing a brilliant flash of white lightone of the tricks Id developed while messing around in my room. Solitude has its advantages.

I opened my eyes. Dana and her men were staggering around, blind. I turned around. My party all had their eyes tightly shut.

You can open your eyes.

They did as instructed, blinking and stretching their eyes, but otherwise fine.

Guards! screamed Dana.

Shit. Id forgotten about the guards outside. I drew my sword and prepared to fight, but Maurice and Dudley were ahead of me. They stood either side of the door, each holding the end of a piece of rope. As the guards came running in, they lifted the roped and tripped them. They jumped on the guards and began hitting them with saps very similar to mine.

I hadnt told them to do any of that, and I hadnt shown them how to make a sap.

Colin!

I looked over to where Jenny and Claire had Dana pinned to the ground.

Them! Jenny was pointing at the two remaining guards, who were flailing about with their weapons.

I took care of them with my sap, although it took some ducking and weaving and a number of hits before they dropped.

Breathing hard, I looked around to see where Flossie had got to. She was in the outer office, chasing the secretary around her desk. Everyone had come out of it unscathed, but we still had to find a way out. Reinforcements could arrive at any moment.

Wheres the escape hatch? I asked Dana.

Her face was shoved into a large cushion. We probably needed to find a less comfortable torture device if we wanted to make her talk.

Go to Hell! she mumbled.

Jenny grabbed her hair and yanked. It came off, revealing clumpy blonde tresses under a hair net.

She had been properly afraid when I threatened to set her on fire, but for a wig? Why was she so worried about me burning her hair if it wasnt even hers?

It is mine! I paid for it! Dana squealed as she tried to wriggle out from under the two girls.

Just tell us how to get out of here, I said, my head lowered so it was nearer hers. Or Ill set fire to your real hair. I produced a single flame from the end of my finger.

There was the sound of stone scraping against stone and a large section of the wall slid aside.

How wonderful. Real magic. Im amazed. Gullen stood there with Biadet by his side. He slapped his gloved hands together. I knew there was something about you. He wagged finger at me. Special boy. Perfect.

He walked in like hed been invited to a garden party and was looking for the cucumber sandwiches.

I stood up. Sitting in the secret passage were two giant dogs, like Dobermans but heavier, and about the same height as Biadet. They made no noise, I couldnt even hear them breathing. They looked a bit bored. Then one yawned and I nearly crapped myself. Its teeth were solid metal.

I must thank you, by the way. You were right about the trollswhole armys riddled with them. Took us forever finding them all. Gullen looked down at his feet. Oh, hello, Dana. I told you he was a tricky one, didnt I? Is that a new haircut?

Mmf mff, said Dana through a mouthful of pillow.

Very nice. Suits you. He turned back to me. So, shall we go?

Go where? I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

Oh, I have plans for you, my boy. Such plans. For all of you.

The others looked around nervously.

Initially, I had thought this was a one-man operation, but now I see you really are a team. A very hard to figure out, unusually unstable team, but somehow you make it work. Thats why you will make the ideal envoys to send over the border to convince our enemies to negotiate a peace.

Over the border to?

Monsterland.

Ah. And as envoys, we will be protected under some truce or?

No, no. No protection. But Im sure youll manage to stay alive long enough to get to the Archfiends castle.

Archfiend?

Yes. Terribly fearsome fellow, by all accounts. Not that we have many. He always sends back our envoys in pieces. But you, I have a good feeling about your chances. He wagged his finger at me again.

The best thing to do would be to take the deal and then make a run for it. Hed come after us, but it had to be better than the alternative.

Of course, Ill need to secure your loyalty by keeping one of you behind. Now, lets see What about the girl in the back?

We all turned around. Flossie had the secretary cornered by the filing cabinet. The secretary seemed to be whimpering. Or possibly giggling.

Shed probably be safer here, I said to Dudley. The way his whole body shook, I dont think he agreed. I turned back to Gullen. How about this You let us keep Flossie, and we promise to go on this mission for you. Word of honour.

Mm. Tempting, but I dont think so. How about I keep Flossie and you give me your word, and if you dont come back, Ill hang her?

I could feel waves of deadly intent rolling off Dudley. Normally, this would be a good thing, but in this case I was pretty sure it wouldnt turn out well. Biadet had taken up position next to him and was staring like shed found a fly in a web. And she was the spider.

Interesting, I said. If I could suggest a small amendment, you give us Flossie, I stay here, and you send the others to Monsterland. I turned to the others and gave them a thumbs up. They didnt look very impressed by my great sacrifice.

Gullen smiled with his lips, but nothing else.

Im afraid that wont do. You are the lynchpin of this party and you will go as our representative to meet with the Archfiend. And please dont suggest we keep all of them and let you go on your own. Damn, my next ploy foiled. Without them to act as your conscience, Im not sure you would ever come back, whoever I threaten to kill.

There was a murmur of agreement from behind me.

Where was the trust? Claire was right, I had started rubbing off on them.

One of them will stay here. Who would you suggest?

Why did they have to call it Monsterland? The name was just so off-putting. But there seemed no way to avoid it. We were going to the land of monsters. As soon as I chose someone to leave behind.

End Of Book 3

Author's note: 100 chapters! Please read the follow up post for schedule details for Book 4. [LINK]