Chapter 184: Escort Service

Chapter 184: Escort Service

The platoon of women inspected me and came to a group decision that I didnt pose a threat. I could tell by the way they went from poised-to-kill to completely-at-ease. It wasnt clear if they had killed the dog or just found it. Either way, it was a lot of people to deal with whatever curious incident this was.

You shouldnt wander off like that, said Telma from over my shoulder. You could get lost.

I was just looking around. Thats a lot of effort to catch one dog, isnt it?

Theyre not here to catch a dog. The dog is the bait.

There was a sound coming from behind the gathered women. Two men were in a pit they were digging. They clambered out, picked up the dog while being carefully watched, and dropped it into the hole, which they then began filling in again.

Unfortunately, we have a slight rat problem. The dogs full of poison.

Its a lot of effort to catch some rats, I said.

Laney appeared next to me. You havent seen the size of their rats.

The closer we got to the big hill of flowers, the fewer regular people I saw, and the more women in armour.

Where are all the eunuchs? I asked Laney. No sign of them so far. I was beginning to have hope that Id misunderstood what the term meant here. Maybe the translator was acting up. She shrugged.

Busy, I expect, said Guardian Telma. They prefer to stay indoors, mostly. Having no testicles makes them more sensitive to sunstroke.

Ah, information. Sometimes even a little is too much.

We stood at the foot of the hill, the flowers blazing with colour and the scent overwhelming like being sprayed point blank in the face with a can of air freshener. The source of this content nov(el)bi((n))

There was a winding path that went around and around until it reached the castle walls on top of the hill. It would take hours to go up that way, but they probably wouldnt approve if I took a shortcut through the gardenias and trampled over the bluebells.

What was I doing here? I didnt want to be surrounded by these idiots. I wanted to be surrounded by my own idiots. Where the hell was everyone? I wasnt used to being on my own anymore. Those fuckers had ruined loneliness for me.

A circular door opened in the base of the hill, like a hobbit hole, and a tall woman flanked by more women in unnecessarily shiny armour came out. The tall woman had platinum blonde hair that was woven into all sorts of braids. The French would have been outraged.

Lofty looked me up and down. This is him? Good work, Guardian.

Thank you, Primus, said Telma. There was a strange pitch change to her voice and her cheeks were flushed. Obvious girl crush is obvious.

We found him because I knew where to look, said Laney, pouting again.

Lofty bowed her head slightly. Our thanks, Your Highness.

Laney bounced up and down on the balls of her feet excitedly. I think the Queen would want to know all about it. Is she free?

Im afraid not. But rest assured she is still considering your petition.

Laney folded her arms and looked like she wanted to kick something. I took a step away from her.

This is ridiculous, said Laney. My people are trapped, waiting to be rescued, and were wasting time doing endless reconnaissance. Tell the Queen to give me an army!

It was an interesting negotiating tactic. Loftys face remained impassive. Your Highness, we will always be friends to the people of Fengarad, but we must first

Yes, yes, blah, blah. Laney flapped her hand like she was brushing away an annoying bee.

Lofty turned to me. Im Primus Lenda. It is a great pleasure to have you here, Visitor.

Please, call me Colin the Loser. Might as well own it.

Laney didnt sound in the least bit jealous. If the Queen really was that beautiful, I would have expected at least a little rancour. Beautiful women, of course, were something to be feared.

She is also the kindest and most generous person Ive ever met.

Now I was really concerned. If shed convinced everyone she was a nice person, then the Queen was obviously even more devious than expected. I would have to play it super dumb and extra pathetic so she would find no use for me whatsoever. Its not easy having to continually set the bar lower for myself, but I believed I was up to the challenge.

So kind and generous that she has all the men in her army castrated? I asked. The lift lurched slightly and I gripped the rail tighter. We were going a long way down.

Silly. They volunteer. Sure, why not? Its not like most men are fond of their testicles or anything. It really makes a lot of sense when you think about it, Colin. Theres no raping and looting by soldiers in the Requbar army. Just honest killing for which theyre well rewarded. She doesnt force anyone. Not unless theyre some kind of deviant. Then they get the chop for the good of everyone.

Very reassuring.

Thats why Requbar is the most orderly and peaceful of the Four Cities. The people here are all very happy. They love their Queen and their city. Just look how clean the streets are.

That hadnt been my impression. People living under fascism wear a smile and have terrified eyes. That was the vibe I was getting from Requbarclean, well maintained and one complaint away from a mass beheading. I wouldnt fucking litter, either.

If shes so wonderful, how come she hasnt agreed to help you take back Fengarad? Id have thought it would be in her interest to help, you know, before the ravaging hordes turn their attention in this direction.

Its complicated. Politics. Laney sounded less sure of herself now. Its not really something I have much experience with, but Im learning. And now that youre here, Im sure shell be much more agreeable. We will make her see reason, Colin. You and I. There is nothing I wont do to liberate my city. Laughter filled the black box. Those lizardmen are going to be so sorry. So, so sorry. Its going to be fun, Dragonslayer!

Insane as she was, I started to see Laneys plan. Build me up as a mighty hero, slayer of dragons etcetera, so they get all excited and then get everyone to form up behind me as we marched into the valley of death. Well, sod that for a game of soldiers.

Light returned as the lift stopped with a jerk at an opening. The tunnel ahead of us was lit by torches held in sconces, flaring brightly and smelling vaguely of wax.

This way. Laney set off without waiting for me.

There was no one else about and no sounds. We were deep below the ground and if things went tits up, getting out wouldnt be easy.

The tunnel ended in a large room with many doors all in a row, spaced out at regular intervals. The doors looked solid, reinforced with black iron. I hoped it wasnt some kind of testBehind one door is the Queen, behind each of the others is a tiger. Good luck, Champion!

I always have terrible RNG with those sorts of things.

This is the one, I think. Laney walked up to one of the doors and heaved. She really had to lean back to drag it open. She went inside.

I followed her and found myself in a very small room. There was a wooden bed; a table with a guttering candle and vase with fresh flowers; and a bucket in the corner.

My feet were swiped away from under me and the room spun around, or rather I was as I ended up on the floor. There was a slam as the door closed, followed by the click of a turning key or maybe a padlock snapping shut. I hadnt really paid attention to the door fittings.

I lay there realising I was in a cell. A cell with nice flowers, but still a cell. What I couldnt understand was why they had gone to such great lengths to lead me down here. It would have been much easier to tie me up and drag me here. It wasnt like I could have fought off an army of highly trained soldiers. Or even a single poorly trained one. What was the point of all the subterfuge?

There you go, I heard Laney muffled voice through the door. Delivered as promised.

Yes, thank you, Your Highness. The Flowers of Requbar are in your debt. The second voice sounded like Primus Lofty. She had probably taken a different route down here. I will inform the Queen of your assistance in this matter.

See that you do! Ill be expecting a favourable response to my request.

For whatever reason, the Queen wanted me locked up and Laney helping out gave her some political leverage. She really was learning how to get things done on the hill. Or under it. I had been so busy being suspicious about who I was going to see, I forgot to be suspicious about who I was with.

You had no problems?

Of course not! I dont know why you think hes some mighty wizard, he was completely harmless in my hands. Nothing to it.

I slowly got to my feet. The bed didnt look too bad, and the flowers were a nice touch. I should have been panicking, dreading what they had in store for me, but I wasnt. If they were under the impression I was some great sorcerer, then they would at least be a bit cautious around me. You dont want to cut off the balls of someone who might make things explode when they got upset. And you know a really good way to upset a guy? Amputating his junk.

There was bound to be some deal I could make or some threat I could bluff. And if not, there was an army of monsters not very far away. Id happily aid them in taking the city apart, flower by flower.