Chapter 276: Born Again

Chapter 276: Born Again

Ive been in many awkward situations in my life. Actually, my whole life is one big awkward situation, even before I ended up in this world.

Why Why were you? Arthur was upset and understandably confused. One minute he was dead, the next he was in a Sam and Frodo fanfiction.

We thought you were dead, I said by way of explanation.

And thats what you do to the recently deceased?!

When he put it like that it painted a rather sordid picture of what had been a perfectly innocent use of mimed sodomy as a means to an end. I cant have been the first person to employ anal sex as part of an escape plan, surely.

Steve, the police have us surrounded. We only have one way outbend over and grab your ankles.

Practically a clich.

Its not what you think, I said. I can explain.

He backed away so he was squeezed into the furthest corner of the bed, surrounded by bunched up pillows. If I had been some kind of sexual aggressor, that probably wouldnt have helped his cause. Just saying.

I gave him a quick rundown of why I had been committing an act of depravity on his assumed-corpse. Needing to get rid of the druids without revealing Arthurs condition made total sense. I felt the room was with me up to this point.

When I got to the part about the effectiveness of coitus interruptus as a decoy tactic, it sounded a lot weirder when I was repeating it without my party there to back me up. Arthurs face suggested he wasnt entirely convinced.

And that was the best you could come up with? He pulled his robe tighter around him. Bit late to start being modest, love.

I was under a lot of pressure. Its not easy coming up with a plan on the spot like that. We thought you were dead! I had to stop saying that, it didnt make things any better. It could have been worse. We could have buried you.

That would have been far more preferable, said Arthur.

There was a polite knock on the door.

What? I shouted, annoyed at having become the bad guy in all this. You try to shag one cadaver for the best of reasons, and everyone thinks youre some kind of weirdo.

Jenny pushed her head through the slightly open door. Have you finished?

Whats that supposed to mean?

Hes alive, she said, ignoring my justified anger. Hey, Arthurs alive!

The others all came tumbling in expressing their surprise and relief.

Whys he look so upset? asked Flossie.

Never mind that, I said. What happened to you, Arthur? Why did you check out like that? And how did you come back? Best to keep things moving along and not dwell on any unpleasantness, I felt.

You, said Arthur. You pushed me into that other place.

You saw it? The vines and tentacles and stuff.

No, not really. I was so wrapped up in all those those limbs, holding onto me, growing out of my body... I couldnt move or see anything. I thought I was going to be stuck there forever. It was the worst experience of my life. And then I was yanked back here and it became the second worst. He glared at me through his distress.

There seemed to be a lot of differences between my experience of the adjacent world and his. I had no trouble moving around, although I guess being untouchable helped there. Arthur had connections to the world, which meant he had to cope with all the bonds of a normal person.Updated from novelbIn.(c)om

He also hadnt stopped time when he crossed over. I wasnt entirely sure I had either. The elf had been able to move just fine. I didnt really understand that part of it.

In any case, it seemed all that training had enabled me to transfer someone else into Vine World, where they could do absolutely nothing. If this was an example of the kinds of upgrades I could expect in the future, my power would level up to almost pointless in no time.

And what about our magic? I said.

What about it? said Arthur.

You took away my magic ability. And Claires.

No, said Arthur. I have no control over beast magic.

He could have been lying, but I didnt think so. He seemed too bewildered by my accusation. Mind you, in his current condition, every serving came with a side order of bewilderment.

The druids had gone, thankfully. Which proved the efficacy of my plan. Not that anyone was willing to admit it. All I got was suspicious looks like I had engineered the whole thing because thats how I got my rocks off.

I need a bath, said Arthur. Alone. He looked at me when he said that, which I felt was uncalled for. Although I did need a wash.

It was getting quite late by the time Arthur called us down to the dining room where he presented us with a table full of food (I was served the smallest portions). We ate in between awkward attempts at small talk. Signs of things returning to normal.

Who prepared the food? asked Claire. There was no staff that wed seen.

I did, said Arthur. Everything here is a product of my hard work.

The place was covered in dust and the gardens were a mess, so it was easy to believe him. But the food was pretty good and nicely cooked. Which was strange considering how unused the kitchen had looked.

I used to have people do things for me, but it was always less than satisfactory. If you want it done properly, you have to do it yourself.

You could try beating them with a stick until they did it right, I said.

I did. They complained too much.

Yes, I said. It is annoying when they bitch about everything.

A coldness settled on the room, but I ignored it. At least I was getting on with Arthur after our slight misunderstanding.

Flossie jumped up and announced, The dragons are ear, the dragons are ear. She rushed out to welcome her brood.

Have you two noticed anything different about the girls since we rescued them from Joshaya?

They shook their heads.

Different how? asked Maurice.

Maybe more amorous, in the bedroom. You know, gagging for it.

Not really, said Maurice.

Cant say that I have, said Dudley.

Perhaps, said Maurice, a little bit more intense.

Dudley nodded. Perhaps a tad more passionate.

If the girls had been replaced by their doppelgangers, it would have been a lot easier if they had goatees, the universally recognised sign of the evil twin. But they acted the same, looked the same. Just more sexually aggressive. Evil has its upside

By the time evening rolled around, I was still unsure and considered just asking Jenny flat out. See how she reacted to a blunt question.

What would you do if I came back to life as the walking dead? asked Jenny as we lay in bed. Would you keep me around.

Are you all decomposed?

Half of me.

Which half? Top or bottom?

She bit my shoulder. Would you look after me? Find me brains to eat?

Sure. Be a bit awkward when I brought dates home, though.

Youd be dating? What about us?

Youre a member of the undead. Very different cultures. I dont really see a long term future.

Id be upset, if I thought you had the nerve to ever ask anyone out. Can I ask you something, Colin?

Yes.

Why are you in bed fully dressed?

Her statement was accurate. I was fully dressed apart from my shoes. She was entirely naked, on her side. She leaned closer and somehow my hand was trapped between her knees.

I had decided I wouldnt let her shag me into a coma. Remaining clothed seemed the best defence. I was wrong.

I woke alone in the bed, again. It felt different this time. I stumbled out and pulled my clothes back on.

Maurice and Dudley were at the breakfast table looking very glum, I thought. In fact, they had matching stunned expressions.

The dragons have gone, said Dudley, bereft. And the girls.

Maurice held out a piece of paper. They left a note. He was choking up.

The letter began, Dearly Beloveds....

Two words in and I was already annoyed. The gist of it was that they were going back to Joshaya. He was the man for them. Or god, or whatever. It went on and on, blah, blah, blah.

It must be a spell, said Dudley.

Or Stockholm Syndrome, said Maurice.

We must go after them. They have a head start, and dragons

It was bad news, but in its own way it was a relief. The dread of not knowing how bad things were going to be is much worse than the reality of any situation. And at least now I understood what they had been planning.

What a load of bollocks, I said. I screwed up the piece of paper and threw it away. They havent gone back to Joshaya. Theyve gone to the Mega Temple to take care of the Pope. I tucked into breakfast.

But why said a startled Dudley.

They want us to go back to find Joshaya to keep us out of it. They dont want us to get hurt if their plan goes wrong.

Id been wrong. The suspiciously vigorous sex drive hadnt been to bamboozle me into a state of confusion where Id willingly charge into battle, it was far worse than that. It was her farewell as she rode off on some suicide mission she felt was far too important to ignore. And the letter was to trick us into staying out of harms way.

True love means never having to say youre sorry for being a patronising arsehole. The noble sacrifice, it was quite touching. Right in the back of the throat.

She could have just told me what she was going to do, I wouldnt have tried to go along. Did she know me at all?

We have to stop them, said Maurice. Or help them. Or

No, I said. We should let them do it.

The boys looked dubious. They wanted to rush to the defence of their dearest beloveds. You cant help retarded people that way. It was quite refreshing, actually. It would be painful if they got killed, but they understood that their stupid actions should be theirs alone to suffer. I was happy for them.

It would either get them killed, or make them understand how dumb theyd been. Of course, they might fluke a win, and then theyd be insufferable, but how likely was that? The important thing was that they didnt try to drag me into it.

Maurice and Dudley looked sick with worry.

They have the right to make rash decisions the same as anyone. They want to do this. This is what equality feels like, boysdont be a chauvinist. Can you pass the butter?