Chapter 338: You Do That Hoodoo

Chapter 338: You Do That Hoodoo

I wasnt scared. I had upgrades unlocked. Id put all my points into not giving a fuck. Whatever was coming out of the dark hole below the shrine, I was pretty sure Id be able to handle it.

A bold claim. Pride comes before a fall, they say, but I wasnt feeling prideful. I was feeling OP as fuck. And about time, too. If anyone deserved an easy win, it was probably some hard-working hero who did his best but never caught a break. But second was probably me. Top five, definitely.

Everyone stopped to watch. They werent thumping footsteps. They didnt reverberate around the clearing. It was more of a crunching. Twigs breaking. Bones cracking, maybe.

The top of a head appeared. Curly dark hair. Then a face. A girl. Richina. Apparently she hadnt been trying to get into the shrine, shed been trying to get out.

It was definitely her. Not the skeleton version, obviously, but Id seen her in the adjacent world. This was that girl. She was even wearing the same sarong. Okay, that didnt really prove anything, you can buy more than one of the same sarong, but it was still a bit spooky. Only, she wasnt all ghostlike and ephemeral. She was very real. Maybe even a bit on the plump side. Its not a judgement, its an observation.

She walked up the steps, arms out slightly for balance. I didnt know what was on the steps making all the noise, but I would assume the hollow carapaces of a million dead bugs.

She reached the top and looked around. Hello, there. Which of you is Victor Sifuentes?

It took me a moment to remember Id been using that as my nom de guerre. Me, I said.

She looked me up and down. No. I dont think so. You dont look like a Victor.

Well, I am, and what the fuck is going on? Arent you supposed to be dead. I saw your skeleton in there. I pointed at the overturned shrine.

Yes. Its a long story. Thank you for letting me out, though. I really do appreciate it. Im sure my father will be very grateful.

I could feel an important reveal coming up. I was tempted to bypass it just to annoy her. There was something not right here, and I was bound to be the one who ended up suffering for it.

But I couldnt resist. Whos your father?

Arthur.nove(l)bi(n.)com

No. Liar! The words jumped out of my mouth, even though I wasnt the one who had thought them.

I could feel the turmoil in my head. Wesley was not happy to hear Arthurs happy news. Richina could be lying, but there was also every possibility that she wasnt. Arthur could have met someone else after he locked Wesley up behind a brick wall.

Of course, we all say we want our significant other to find happiness after weve passed on (or been bricked up), but do we really mean it? That isnt a rhetorical question, the answer is no.

Does she look like him? I asked.

No, she does not, said Wesley, very clearly and loudly, the way words travel on a crisp cold morning. Not even a little.

Wesley says you dont look like him, I said to Richina.

No, I wouldnt, said Richina. He adopted me.

There was a noticeable lessening of pressure between my temples. But even this adoption could have been a lie. A trick to win me over so that the attack from behind was all the more unexpected. Well, good luck with that. All attacks are expected in this meta.

There was a lot of stuff going on here. Exactly how she had just popped out of the depths of the earth needed some explaining, but I wouldnt have trusted her answers even if shed been forthcoming. Especially if shed been forthcoming.

It would have been really great to have a telepath with me at a time like this. Maurice and company had a mind-reader and a truth detector. To be fair, I had two professional cooks on my team, so while I might not have the advantage of being able to foresee the intentions of my enemies, I could be sure any battle would be fully catered.

Is Wesleys body down there? I asked. You didnt eat her, did you?

Im not a cannibal, said Richina. Not that theres anything wrong with that.

Yes, there is, I said. Theres a lot wrong with it. Didnt they eat you?

It isnt as bad as it sounds.

Yes it is. Its exactly as bad as it sounds, if not worse. I would guess worse. But lets not get bogged down in details. I wouldnt want you thinking I was trying to mansplain why being eaten isnt good for you. How are you here like this? Eaten people tend not to have so much meat on their bones.

A lesser man would have gotten awkward in case his words were misconstrued as fat-shaming, and you dont do that because women dont like men to be needlessly accurate.

I wasnt bothered by my faux pas, though, because my social anxiety had never been based on what people might wrongly assume, I was much more concerned with what they assumed correctly. Plus, you should feel shame if youre fat, and not be too bothered if youre just not rail thin. Get a grip.

Are you a Visitor? I asked. If she had some sort of regenerative power, that might explain it, but how the hell do you come back from being an all-you-can-eat buffet?

I was waiting for the juke, but she simply said, Yes. Holy fuck, a straight answer.

Where are you from?

Lots of different places.

Shortest honeymoon period, ever. Although she may have been quoting from Highlander, in which case Id be obliged to get down on one knee and propose.

Who is todays president? she asked, switching tack. The cannibals, who had formed a ring around me suddenly didnt want to speak up. Even the President didnt seem keen on stepping forward.

Him, I said.

Dont trust him, she screamed at me. Hes one of them. Trust my intuition. Who agrees with me.

Damicar put his hand up. He looked as surprised as the rest of us.

Stop doing that, I said as I walked over to her.

Captain Somya put her down. He was as dead as a walking corpse could be, emotionally vacant and only ambulant through the power of a god of death, but he looked a bit embarrassed of mum. Not even death is powerful enough to negate that universal emotion.

Hand it over. I put out my hand.

Slowly she held out the doll of Damicar. Nowhere near me, but then she was blind. I reached across and took it.

It was made of straw and grass and some mud. I gave it a squeeze and Damicar squealed. The connection was back already.

Sorry, I said. Now, please, no more. I couldnt really be too mad, I had told her to make some more dolls, although I had meant in case of an emergency, not to amuse herself with. Do you have one of me?

She fumbled about in her skirts and gave me a straggly looking thing that looked like it was about to fall apart. The likeness was uncanny.

That one dont work. I think you might be broken.

She didnt have to tell me. What do you thinks wrong with the girl? I asked her in a lowered voice. She might have been crazy, but that didnt mean she was wrong about Arthurs adopted daughter.

Shes a wrongun. Female intuition, so insightful.

You might be right. But lets wait until she does something first, okay? Its not like death means very much around here. Well just have to make sure theres no snacking between healings.

Mrs Somya didnt look like she was entirely convinced by my soft European position on recent arrivals, but she begrudgingly agreed to ease off with the murder attempts. Not verbally, but through a series of tics and shrugs.

Right, Richina, the stairs I pointed into the dark hole. Whats down there? Any useful items of a magical nature?

Oh, yes. Dad loved to collect artefacts.

Good news. Possibly. And you just left them there?

I dont need them, she said. Would be a waste. You can have them.

Very suspicious. Wanted me to waltz down there and take whatever I pleased. Was she really so powerful she didnt want them for herself?

What about this sword and shield?

Richina shrugged. Never seen them before. Where did you find them?

Oh, I can tell you where they come from, said Mrs Somya.

I turned to listen. This would be good.

Demons, she said. Demons from the underworld.

My heart jumped. I couldnt help it. Maybe she was just spouting random nonsense, but if she was right, if the sword and shield had been put here by the only friends I had left It was too much to hope for, too crushing if it was just an old ladys wishful thinking.

I turned to face Richina. She was going to cut the shit and tell me everything she knew about this place, even if I had to put salt on her and eat her myself.

You, I said, sticking out my hand. Damicars doll was in my fist. His little arm flew off. Shit.

I turned to look at Damicar, expecting the worst. Both arms were still attached to his torso. I only saw the blade flying at me at the last moment. It was spinning sideways so the thin edge was hard to see. I could have stopped time or jumped out of the way, but my mind was too stunned. I was about to kill myself by self-inflicted voodoo.

There was a shove in my back. I fell, turning in mid-air to see Richina take my place. The supremely sharp knife sliced through her neck without pause.

It wasnt nice and clean like how I decapitated people. The head popped off like cork, and a geyser of blood erupted. The body staggered back and forth for a bit, and then toppled over.

We all just stared. Why did she do that? She didnt know me. She didnt owe me anything. Certainly not her life.

Could I heal her? I doubted it. I felt like I should say something.

Do not eat her. It wasnt the most moving eulogy ever given, but it captured the moment, I felt.

It slipped, said Damicar. I didnt mean

It wasnt his fault, of course. I was the one who had set this chain of events in motion. I got to my feet. We were in a world where the dead rose all the time. As longs as they werent sliced and diced first. There had to be a way. I was OP. I could do anything. The blood gushed from her neck stump, spreading out into a thick black pool. She shouldnt have saved my life. Anyone elses, Id have understood. But mine...

I mean it. Shes not on the menu.

The cannibals werent listening. They were looking at the hole in the ground. The sound of footsteps, again.

Someone was coming. A head, curly hair. Richina walked up the stairs, same sarong up to her chest, same hapless smile. Hello, again.