Chapter 342: Happy Endings

Chapter 342: Happy Endings

Four fat tentacles snaked towards me. Arthur himself hadnt moved, he was standing a few metres away, an innocent bystander. The tentacles looked less innocent with the gruesome, exaggerated teeth embedded in each tip, like a mouth full of thorns. It reminded me of those microscopic photos of bugs that look like aliens with hooks and claws out of a nightmare. These tendrils coming at me from all angle were like that, only they werent microscopic.

I raised the wooden sword and held the shield up. I had no idea if either would do me any good, but the important thing was to look the part. If I was going to die here, in a dark void with no one watching or even aware of what I was going through, it was still important that I go out with style. Its what Victor Sifuentes would have wanted.

It was difficult to remain calm. Wed all like to think wed face the end giving as good as we got, but the human brain is a fickle thing. If it decides youre going to lock up and put up no resistance, then you dont really get a say in the matter.

Not that there was much I could do. I couldnt stop time and access the adjacent world, this was the adjacent world. Here, where I had always held the advantage, I should have at least felt confident in having a fair chance. Sadly, Arthur was also familiar with this place. Evenly matched so unfair.

As the first tentacle reached me, high on my left, I swung the sword, which was glowing faintly. I was too on edge to focus properly, but there was a sliver of something flowing through me. I just hoped it didnt end up flowing down my trouser leg.

I caught the tentacle just below the mouth-like opening, shearing off the tip. The tentacle snapped back, vomiting viscous black liquid that fell in gloops. The severed part landed on the ground and thrashed wildly.

Pretty nice move, but there was no time to appreciate a rare piece of skill with three more appendages coming at me. Even as I had scored my victory against one of them, two landed on my shield and bounced off, and a third sneaked through a gap and hit me in the stomach.

It hooked onto my shirt and slammed against me repeatedly, pushing me back and nearly knocking me off my feet, but it wasnt making much headway. My body was still impervious to trespass it seemed, at least for now. But I had to guess if Arthur had been in this world for a while, he knew more about what was possible here than I did. He already had control of his vines like they were trained serpents.

By the way, he said, if youd like some advice about your relationship problems, Id be happy to offer you the benefit of my failures. Ive had plenty of experience in disappointing women.

Was he feeling me out? Toying with me? Trying to dig for juicy details?

Thanks, but shes the one who disappointed me.

Come on, he said, like we all knew that wasnt really true. I accepted him as my true enemy. Shes probably waiting for you to apologise.

Apologise for what?

I dont know, but Im guessing you do.

This fucking guy.

I slashed with my sword and backed away. Simply trading blows wasnt going to get me anywhere. The tentacle Id hacked off had already regrown its tip.

The tentacle at my stomach darted forward and wound itself around my waist, probing me for an entry point. If it figured out there was a tradesmans entrance round the back, I was going to have to clench hard. Good thing Id been keeping up with my Kegel exercises.New novel chapters are published on

The other three appendages were hovering just out of range of my sword, like they were watching. I was watching, too. If they couldnt hurt me or get inside me, what was Arthur going to do?

The tentacle stopped trying to go in through my belly button and started working its way down. Was it going to latch onto my cock? Non-consensual cock-latching didnt sound like something I would enjoy.

At times like these, when death in an unnecessarily sexual manner is about to befall you, its hard not to think about porn. I dont mean the weird hentai stuff because of the tentacles fuck knows what the Japanese find so alluring about alien octopus sex I mean the stuff you can watch online for free, no matter what age you are.

And the question that seems obvious to me, but which no one else seems to ask, is why do they always end with the guy ejaculating on the girls face?

I mean, sure, some guys probably get off on that particular image, but all standard boy-girl pornos end like that. All of them.

I felt a powerful urge to save them just kidding. I shrugged. Makes no difference to me.

You dont care if they perish?

Its not that I dont care, its just that I dont really mind. That wasnt entirely true. It was true I didnt mind if everyone died nothing lasts forever but I didnt believe they were in danger, or that I was their saviour.

You wont see her again if you do this, he said.

She wont mind. I pushed the light bigger and brighter.

The ground beneath me rumbled and lurched. Voices flooded into my head, begging and pleading.

Inside my body, there was an immense amount of power building up. It was beyond anything I had experienced before. It was wild and unstable, and I doubted I could control it. But I was fairly sure I could release it.

Would I survive? Probably not. It would be meaningless and violent and serve no purpose, but the build-up was hard to resist. I was going to die in a moment of abandon, and I didnt mind. Fuck it. Fuck everyone. And fuck her.

The pressure inside me got bigger and bigger until I couldnt help but laugh. I was filled with light, and when I exploded, everyone would be left with egg on their face. Only not egg.

Everything went white. The heat was so sharp I melted into nothingness. Everything was gone. Finally, it was over.

I think hell do, dont you? said Wesleys voice.

Hmm, maybe, said Arthur.

Why were they in the afterlife with me? When was I going to get some privacy, and were you allowed to masturbate in heaven? The clouds were all white, no one would be able to tell. Clouds can be crunchy, right?

I opened my eyes but it was very difficult to lift my head. I was sitting on the ground, legs splayed and ears ringing. I tilted my chin to the side and looked up. Arthur and Wesley were standing there, looking down at me, arms locked together. They made a lovely couple. Couple of gits, that is. There was no sign of Damicar or Richina.

Hello, said Arthur. Feeling okay?

What I was finding it hard to put words together.

Dont worry, youre fine, said Wesley.

We think you can help us, said Arthur. Its a tricky job, one that requires you to kill some people, probably. Dont worry, you wont be alone, youll have a team.

I wasnt really following. Id passed some sort of audition, apparently, and he seemed to think Id be happy to accept the gig. I tried to speak, but my voice was barely a whisper.

Fuck you, I hinted. Not interested. Not in you, not in the team.

But you had a team before, didnt you? he said, like that was my only concern.

If you think Im going back to that bunch of ingrates, youre seriously out of your mind.

Oh no, said Arthur. Not them. You cant team up with them. Theyre the ones youre going to have to kill.