Chapter 373: Offers and Promotions

Chapter 373: Offers and Promotions

I took a moment to exit my body and slip into the dark area of my mind that had recently turned into a popular destination for lost souls. If Richina had resurrected inside me, how was she going to emerge the way she did the other times she had died? There were a number of exits around my body, and I didnt like the thought of her using any of them.

Once I was away from the madding crowds I found it much easier to think clearly. Which was a slight problem as clarity brought with it the realisation that I had now firmly placed myself in the heart of the conflict. A conflict I had no understanding of, whose participants were many and mostly hidden, and the outcome of which was of no interest to me.

In such a situation, the proper conclusion was obvious get the fuck out. So why had I landed slap bang in the middle of this shit show?

Release me, said Richina. She looked pretty worked up. Her eyes were incandescent with rage, her fists were clenched with rage, her hair was all frizzy and unmanageable with rage. She had plumped for the premium enraged package and shed got her moneys worth.

If you want to leave, leave.

I cant leave. You trapped me here when you consumed my yani.

I deny everything, I said before Id even had a chance to consider what a yani was. It sounded like something Id be vilified on social media for consuming without consent. Wait, do you mean that disgusting thing growing out of your mouth?

It is not disgusting, it is a beautiful component of what makes a fairy a fairy.

Women and their body issues when will it ever end?

I did what I did out of self-defence. Anyone with a female sibling or similarly-aged relative knows that the she started it defence is unlikely to work, but I had little else to work with. And she had, in fact, started it. So, you admit you are a fairy. Shouldnt you be working for Joshaya?

That old fool? Why would any fairy in her right mind bow to him?

Why would you bow to Arthur? You clearly have poor judgement and terrible taste, and as it happens, Ive already encountered seven other fairies who were working for Joshaya, mostly in the nude. Not sure the last part was relevant, it was just hard to ignore.

This seemed to stop her griping, which was good. Her face went through various paroxysms as she processed what Id said.

How many fairies are there, anyway? I thought it best to keep pushing while she was off-kilter.

Thousands, said Wesley, who was standing over to the side with my smaller self. But they rarely attend to human affairs unless offered something of great value.

I hadnt forgotten my distrust of Wesley, either.

What did Arthur offer you? I asked Richina. It was unclear if infinite lives was a natural fairy trait, or one grafted on through some kind of nasty augmentation surgery. Arthur was able to make changes of that sort, but he could have just as easily promised them a magic item. A Philips Ladyshave, perhaps.

Richina didnt answer, she just glared at me. Fucking amateur Id been glared at by the best, this was nothing.

If you want to leave here, then you should tell me what I want to know. I had no idea how to allow her to leave, but its a lot easier to bluff when you hold all the good cards.

Yeah, youre right, I didnt have four aces I have a royal flush!

Richina right now was in that in between place where you know youve lost control of the situation but you think you can still reclaim it.

This sort of thinking is only possible because youve failed to see what it took to turn the tables in the first place.

It must have been luck, so I could get lucky, too.

Nobody likes to accept they were outsmarted or outplayed, because it means accepting you arent good enough, and nothing feeds insecurity like a nice big bowl of well-deserved criticism.

What about you? I said to Wesley. You knew she was a fairy, did you?

Wesleys mouth tightened. I could tell she didnt approve of this version of me, that lacked manners and looked down on people. She knew she was in the wrong, but she was in that other place sore losers like to set up camp.

Even if youre angry, I still deserve to be treated with respect. The lament of incompetent customer services reps and online community managers everywhere.

I did not know, said Wesley. There seems to be a lot my husband has been busying himself with in my absence.

But you love him? The plaintive cry of abused wives everywhere, another group of incompetents.

What is it that you want from me, Colin? She was getting a bit short with me now. I couldnt really blame her. Right or wrong, I usually managed to rub people the wrong way. My secret power Id been hiding in plain sight all along. If you truly intend to release the old gods, chaos will ensue. No one can tell you what to expect of your reckless behaviour, because no one knows.

Yes, I agreed. But I cant help feeling the forces against me have various plans in place to mess with the results of my hard-earned recklessness. If theres anything I can be sure of, its that every single one of you idiots has failed to do what you intended, so Im absolutely certain if I allow any of you to participate in what Im going to do, it will only make things more likely to go tits up. I dont know how to make this any clearer to your fragile egos. The problem isnt them, its you. All of you. Every time you see someone racing ahead, one of you fuckers jumps on their back as though youre a jockey who can win the race for them. You arent, youre just extra baggage that makes it harder. Peter was right about one thing, there needed to be sacrifices to achieve success, but the sacrifice should be him and the rest of you clinging on and refusing to let anyone else have a fair go.

I was a little pissed off. I realised how close I was to getting the final boss or my final boss and also the strong probability that it would not turn out as well as I might hope. The likelihood of failure was always a given for me. What I couldnt stand, though, was the insipid attempts by the people circling to get in at the last moment for a kill-steal, even if it meant fucking it all up.

What was the value of winning if you werent the winner? Might as well execute a low win rate strategy to cheese the result in your own favour.

I still had Joshaya as a way to get rid of these people. I turned to have a word with him. He just needed to clear a path for me, easiest thing in the world for him.

People of Gorgoth, shouted Joshaya, glorious good fortune has befallen us all. The One True God has sent a messenger to reveal to us the truth, the way, the path to salvation. He has sent us Colin!

Silence.

The only thing worse than people not helping me was when they did try to help me.

All eyes turned to see who would come down the gangplank. I was tempted to give Dudley a shove and let the crowds try to figure out if he was immensely enigmatic or just a bumbling doofus. Should give me at least thirty seconds to sneak round the back.

But I wasnt in the mood. The sooner I got this done, the better. I put my head down and quickly walked down the gangplank. There were a lot of guards waiting for me. It didnt matter, they werent really in a position to stop me. I kept telling myself. Joshaya would stop them. Probably.

I felt obliged to fill the lull with something. Flossie, take the dragons to Arthurs place. Let them eat what they want. Captain Somya, you can tell your mother she can release Captain Nokes. Youre free to go about your business now. Sorry about destroying your ship, but the Pope will compensate you for your loss, Im sure. Your Popeness, fifty percent off all holy postcards, right?

Indeed! Fifty percent off, everything must go!

I thought the news of a flash sale on the cards the citizens used to ask the Pope questions would get some reaction, but no. Everyone was just staring at me, looking so disappointed. This is the guy?

I could understand the way they felt, but it was still aggravating. No one had moved out of the way. Even if I didnt strike a very imposing figure with my drab clothes and wooden sword, didnt I still deserve to be treated with respect? The answer was the same for me as it was for employees of EA, no.

Lord Colin, said the greasy git, we have been expecting you and welcome you.

Youve been expecting me? It couldnt be for anything good, I was sure.

Indeed. Fengarad has declared war, the armies of the east have mobilised and we are ready to do as you bid.

Great. Who are you?

I am the speaker for the five unions. He indicated the men behind him, who nodded sagely. I fully expected to get shafted rectally any moment.

You have taken a Council Ship, said Malmur. He sounded almost impressed.

Its mine, now, I said. I made some modifications. Im going to put in a sunroof when I have the time.

You sent your dragons to claim the Askii residence? asked another of the union leaders.

No, I sent them there to feed. I can put a dragon in your back garden too, if you like. Now get out of my way.

It was meant to sound like a threat, but came off a little more sexual than Id intended.

The union leaders all smiled and nodded to each other. What were they so happy about?

Lord Colin, we welcome you as Gorgoths Lord Protector and head of the combined unions. We are yours to command.

The crowd parted and a path opened, but not towards the temple. It led towards another grand building in the square.

Wait, are you making me king of Gorgoth?

Lord Protector, said Malmur.

Lord Protector, said Damicar in a voice filled with awe. It is a great honour, one that hasnt been bestowed in a hundred years.

Who do I answer to?

No one, said Malmur.

The people were still staring at me, but it wasnt disappointment in their eyes, it was something worse. Expectation.

They wanted a Lord Protector to protect them. Fuck that. If they were going to give me control of their city, make me a temporary monarch until the emergency was over and they could go all Ides of March on me, then they were in for a surprise. Id take the throne alright, and use it how I wanted, fuck their expectations.

Grayson? I shouted up to the ship. Graysons head appeared above me. I name you Commander of the citys forces. All of them. Now clear this square of all people.

Yes, Lord Protector, said Grayson. Guards, about turn.

The guards turned away from me and faced the people of Gorgoth. Welcome to the rule of Colin.