Chapter 376: Consorting with the Enemy

Chapter 376: Consorting with the Enemy

Thanks very much for the offer, I said with the requisite tone of gratitude. Its not easy to fake sincerity when youre known for being a sarky git, but it helps when youre in front of someone who doesnt know you very well. I really do appreciate it, but what with being Gorgoths new Lord Protector, I dont think Ill have time to be King of the Fairies, too.

A quick recap for those of you arriving late. I had managed to free the old gods as planned and had made my way out of the Church of the Shrine (the big skull shaped building in the middle of Gorgoth most buildings of prominence are shaped like a giant penis, so a skull wasnt that disturbing).

I was ready to disappear into the background as war consumed those parties interested in proving their dominance (i.e. not me).

My thinking was that while they were busy scratching each others eyes out, I would be able to sneak off and do my own thing, which mainly involved not being part of the mutually assured destruction I had put into motion (fingers crossed).

The old gods, it turned out, were a bunch of fairies (no insult intended) and had been in conflict with Elfs or Visitors or the Council of Four or someone I wasnt too hot on the details for long before I arrived on the scene.

Joshaya was working with them (I hadnt nailed down if he was a fairy, too, but it was high on my list of things I was perfectly fine never learning if it meant being left the fuck alone) and, as Pope of Gorgoth, he had prepared a selection of ambulatory corpses for the disembodied returnees.

I had to admit, it was a pretty neat idea to have the bodies up and moving around so the muscles were all limber and ready for action. New novel chapters are published on

If you put your newly released spirits of the fairy-gods inside bodies that have been lying around, youre just inviting trouble. Its bad enough when a coma patient finally comes round and has to cope with extreme muscle loss, imagine what its like after youve been dead and stuck in a coffin for a few years.

Not only had the old gods been quickly rehoused inside top of the line second-hand bodies (only one previous owner), but it turned out there had been a number of juvenile fairies that had escaped capture who were waiting for this moment, and were now also occupying some of Joshayas post-life body suits (made with one hundred percent real human bodies).

There was something about this that didnt seem quite right, but it wasnt the right time to ask questions. When I left the temple, the entire cast of Invasion of the Body Snatchers was waiting for me. The Golden God turned out to be Queen of the Fairies, which I dont think I should be blamed for not realising. Some women have a lot of bass in their voice like Lauren Bacall or that girl from The Exorcist when shes masturbating with a crucifix.

The Fairy Queen seemed to be impressed with my having released her when no one else had managed it, although I wasnt entirely sure anyone else had really tried.

You tell someone youre going to find a way to free them from the eternal nightmare of being trapped in a dark and endless void, but then other things crop up that need to be dealt with and it slips down the list. Weve all been there.

She had offered me her vulva and a place by her side (for quick access to the vulva, I presume), but my assumption Id get to be the king was a little off.

King? You think you will be my king? The Fairy Queens generous mood evaporated before my eyes. You overestimate your worth.

Overestimating my worth is probably the one thing I should never be accused of. Good luck finding any evidence.

Then what? I said. Not that I was interested in any role, vulva-adjacent or otherwise, but I was curious to see how quickly gratitude would be replaced by contempt. Shed have to shift her arse if she wanted to beat the record.

You would be my consort. Provider of my pleasure and my comfort. It would be a great honour for you.

Tempting, huh? What red-blooded male wouldnt jump at the chance to be gigolo to the Fairy Queen? The body she was currently inhabiting was even female, which happened to be my preference.

That doesnt mean I denounce anyone elses preference. People get very shirty about not including certain groups on lists, like youre trying to minimise their potential.

They probably dont genuinely think its phobic if you dont fancy fucking a someone you arent sexually attracted to, I think the problem is smartphones. People are so used to letting apps organise everything, theyve forgotten how lists work. Youre supposed to not include things, thats why its called a fucking list. Otherwise, theyd call it a dictionary.

However, despite the fairy queen being female (pro-vagina, vulva-ambivalent), I was put off by the fact she was also very fat (hey, try to remember what I just said my list, not yours) and also very grey-skinned with black pits for eyes. She was a very scary looking woman who intimidated me on many levels, and attracted me on very few. Thats not a recipe for a long-term relationship, not until youre over forty and willing to take a knee.

Imagine if you had unlimited motivation, all the cool things you could be good at (no, Guitar Hero in VR also doesnt count, either, youll just be the stupid fuck who trips over a coffee table while wearing a small toy guitar with buttons).

My point is, if you do something repetitively, whether by choice or just because, you will get better at it. You might even get good. And the thing Id been doing a lot of recently was bossing people around.

I didnt set out to be a leader, but someone had accidentally set the settings wrong in this world, like when you dont notice the toasters been moved to one by mistake.

Normally, life is unfair. The chosen few get chance after chance while the rest of us get shut out and have to make do with whatevers left over. The ones who have the advantages, use it. If they fail, they rush back to the front of the line. They break the rules, they get a slap on the wrist and a second chance, and then a third and fourth. They hog the gamepad and wont let anyone else have a go, so its not surprising they eventually get good at the game, which they then use as the excuse for why they deserved more goes than everyone else. Look at my talent in hindsight! Treat me special now!

This world had one important difference. You fail, you die. It frees up a slot for someone else to have a go, so true talent gets to bypass the favoured child (who sadly died from overdosing on self-importance).

Giving orders is easy when people decide they should do what you tell them. And if enough of them act like you know what youre doing, people who come along later will also assume you must know what youre doing, otherwise why would everyone else be following your instructions?

Its a self-perpetuating lie that democracy and TV shows have relied on forever. Popularity equals good.

I had done leadership mullarkey for long enough to know what I could get away with, and also to recognise what the other people in a similar position were trying to do, and get away with.

You dare to speak to me in such a fashion? said the Fairy Queen.

Big mistake. The crowd behind her were ready to tear me apart on her command, but you only fall back on the How dare you strat when you know you have nothing of substance to defend yourself with.

Youve been gone a long time, I said. Things have changed. I had no idea if things had changed, but it seemed a fairly safe claim to make. You need to go out there and see the lay of the land. You need to prepare for war, and you need to do it a lot better than last time. Your vulva is the least of your problems. Not the least of mine, though. I put it in my top three undesirable holiday destinations. Oh, not so keen to be on that list, I see.

She looked at me without speaking, digesting my words. I had countered the desperate How dare you with reasonable and thoughtful hard-to-dispute facts. They go hysterical and over the top, you counter with clear and well-reasoned suggestions. I am smarty-pants, hear me advise feasible options.

And what will you do? she asked.

Ill stay here. This city is not all ready for the destruction heading our way. Dont ask me what I was referring to, leadership works better when you act like terrible shit is about to go down, rubes lap this stuff up. There is a lot of work to do, and not much time. I have been named Lord Protector of Gorgoth for a reason. Nope, there was no reason, but if they wanted me in charge it stood to reason I had to be the best man for the job, right?

She gave me a long cold look that penetrated me deeply. It was far more preferable than me having to penetrate her deeply.

There were plenty of things I could have asked her, about Peter, about how the fairies got beaten and trapped, about Joshaya and what exactly was the difference between gods and fairies, but I held my tongue. As an experienced leader, I had learned by far the best tactic was to not get between the enemy and their own incompetence. People were just as dumb and useless at everything as you were, which meant whoever did less came out ahead.

You speak wisely., she said.

I rest my fucking case.

We will deal with these personal matters once I have a better idea of the state of my world. This land belongs to me and my people, and it is time for us to reclaim our birthright. I will come for you when our plans are set.

I will be waiting, I said.

Like fuck I would. I planned to be on the first dragon out of the city, destination: not here.