Chapter 380: FQ Blues

Chapter 380: FQ Blues

My own personal hero who would act on my commands had a certain appeal. Like a kid with a robot who could beat up anyone you pointed it at. Of course, eventually the kid would learn that beating people to death with a mech was wrong (and surprisingly messy), and then the robot would learn to smile or something.

If this Caim chap was as awesome as Joshaya made out, with BiS gear and a legendary weapon, I would very happily give up my chance to claim honour on the battlefield (which I was totally planning on claiming, for reals though) and let him do his thing.

Would I like to have the flashy armour and the sentient sword myself? No. It sounds good, it might even look good, but when youre out there in the heart of the mayhem, armour is just a big container for you to shit yourself in and a giant sword is a heavy stick that makes your arms tired.

I am nothing if not a realist. I am nothing and also a realist might be more accurate. A bad craftsman might blame his tools, but good tools do a better job in the hands of someone who knows what theyre doing.

Overall, the idea of drafting in a ringer was a solid one. Even if the guy wanted to think for himself and do it his way, no problem. As long as he kept all eyes on him, I had no issue with sinking into the background. Deep, deep into the shadows.

My general positivity (for which I think we can all agree I am well known) was only marred by the thought that Joshaya was planning to wait for me to turn my back, and then ram the biggest dick-shaped object he could find right up my jacksie.

Why are you helping me, Joshaya? What are you after?

My friend, he said, instantly setting warning bells clanging, I am here because I recognise your importance to this world.

You are here because the Fairy Queen wanted someone to watch me, and I suggested you. Let me just reiterate for you I requested you. On purpose. You see what that means, right? I took the paltry wooden sword out of my belt and held it out so it was glowing. It means I think I can take you in a fight.

Joshaya froze for a second, not expecting to be threatened. Certainly not by me. Then his face broke out into a smile.The source of this content nov(el)bi((n))

Friend Colin, please, theres no need for threats. What he was really saying was, Come on, geezer, you having a giggle? Well, thats what hed be saying if he was in a shitty Guy Ritchie movie. So any Guy Ritchie movie.

I understand your lack of fear. Theres no way in the world I could beat you. I eased out of my body and floated in front of him, sword still glowing. But it kind of depends which world were in, doesnt it?

Joshayas expression changed in slow motion. He couldnt move very quickly here in the adjacent world. He had one vine growing out of his head and I considered cutting it off, for science, but since I had no idea of the consequences I decided to wait until things got really desperate before trying something like that, when all hope was lost and I had nothing left to lose. Probably sometime after lunch.

The face in front of me had rearranged its features into something not quite so mocking. I had expected some anger but what I was getting was a kind of resigned acceptance. Here was a man (or whatever) who was approaching his moment of personal surrender.

The problem with a world of magic was that there was always someone or something beyond your abilities. Im not talking about me I dont think it was me he was going to surrender to but the bullish mask he usually wore had slipped, and behind it he wasnt a happy camper.

I returned to my body, sword still extended. I dont know what it is you think siding with me is going to get you, but Im tired of dealing with all these secrets and half-truths.

An urge to strike him welled up in me. Cut him open and see what was inside. I resisted, for now, and reached out the sword so it touched his robe, just to make a point. A mistake on my part as the glowing tip instantly shredded the material and his robe fell open to reveal an old mans peen and a ballsack you could hang in a boxing gym.

Damicar walked in carrying a tray of sweet and savoury delights (the boy was a fucking genius on a limited budget), saw me inspecting Joshayas junk, and turned around in a smooth fluid motion, heading for the exit.

Wait, I said to Damicar, not wanting him to go away with the wrong impression. Leave the food. And also not wanting him to go away with the snacks. I can allow someone to walk off thinking Im some kind of deviant weirdo, but the snacks stay.

Damicar turned around, smiling nervously and sweating. If its a bad time, I can come back later!

No, its fine. I was just explaining to my friend here how I was going to cut his dick off if he didnt stop lying to me. Not that it would do much good, it isnt even his penis.

Theres something about the arrival of food that absolutely kills any attempt at terrorising someone. It just isnt intimidating if youre threatening someone while eating tiny food on cocktail sticks. Dainty and menacing just dont go well together.

Oh, I said as I nibbled on something meaty yet fruity, this is Damicar. Damicar, this is Joshaya, the One True God self-proclaimed, so dont get hung up on it Pope of Gorgoth, yes, that Pope, and some kind of fairy, I think. He has a bunch of other aliases I have a hard time keeping track of. Damicar is a local, so his mouth hanging open like that is probably because he cant believe what a deceitful piece of shit you are. Or hes a fan and wants your autograph.

It was a lot of information to take in so I gave Damicar a moment to digest it all, while I digested as much as I could, also.

They all think they know how I think. They watch me deftly give death the slip a couple of times, and suddenly they see themselves as experts in the art of Colin-Fu. Well, it takes more than running away to get shit off your shoes.

We arent going anywhere. Were recruiting a new team member, a real doozy, kneel before Zod type of guy who will sort out everything once and for all, probably by killing us all. And thats the good ending.

So no beach? Flossie seemed to have latched onto this one idea of an island holiday, and there wasnt enough room in her tiny Brummie brain for anything else.

No. Im going to go take a bath alone! and think things through. I turned to Grayson who had been listening quietly. Talk to Joshaya and think of how we can get this body out of the temple without anyone noticing. I want plenty of options, the more the better.

Grayson was an experienced military mind, plus he knew the city. Why waste my energy coming up with ideas that wouldnt work anyway, when I could get someone else to do it? Wait, that didnt come out right (or maybe it did).

Delegation, that was my new watchword. If I was going to surround myself with people who actually knew what they were doing, might as well put them to use.

Grayson nodded. Fucking nodded. Didnt argue. Didnt look confused. Nodded.

Um, said Dudley, about that bath. You might want to not.

Whys that? I asked.

Nothing, really. We just left it a bit of a mess. We were hurrying to get ready, so a bit of bleach might come in useful if theres any lying around. And a mop with a long handle. Something that can reach the ceiling.

Exactly what kind of sexual relationship did these two have? Pondering such things was a slippery slope slippery for all the wrong reasons so I did my best to not think about jizz dripping from the ceiling.

Damicar returned and became the centre of attention. I left them to it and went to get cleaned up. The bathroom wasnt that bad. I think Dudley was embarrassed about the towels everywhere and the dirty water still in the tub. I could give a fuck. I was happy to finally have a moment alone.

There was still no sign of Wesley and Richina. They had managed to vacate my head somehow. My smaller self confirmed they were gone, but if they were hiding in some dark recess of my mind, considering what I kept in the dark recesses of my mind, good luck to them.

I sat in the lukewarm water, willing myself to relax. Things were probably about to get pretty intense, so one last moment of freedom was worth indulging in. And I was planning to indulge myself hard. Maybe give the ceiling another coat.

It was difficult to let go, though. There was still stuff that didnt make sense. The fairies had taken over the dead bodies even though they werent all disembodied spirits like the Fairy Queen. Was taking over bodies easy for them? Is that what Joshaya did. Id assumed he was shapeshifting but maybe he had a bunch of bodies in different locations and he just popped into them, like a ventriloquists hand up a puppets bum flap. It would explain how he could seem to be in so many places at once.

Why was I obsessing over minor details? I tried to let go of all the thoughts buzzing around in my mind but I couldnt quiet them down.

The fairies called themselves gods. I supposed it was better PR than being tiny flying nuisances you could take out with a fly-swatter, even if they were powerful. Image and branding have a lot of influence in the mythical monster world.

Joshaya seemed less and less like a deity now. What was he really after? Some way to impress his queen so she chose him over all others?

I sank into the water, letting it rise over my head so that the watery silence filled my ears and maybe displace all these questions. Then I remembered what Flossie and Dudley had probably been doing in here and sat up, sloshing water everywhere.

Yo know what I miss from home? said Flossie, scaring the piss out of me (very slightly, not enough to notice). She was sitting on the edge of the bath.

What?

Toblerone. They dont make nice chocolate here.

Okay. Thanks for letting me know.

I suppose what yo really want to know is what happened to Jenny.

My mind cleared. All the buzzing went away. Under all of it there was really only one question, the one Id been doing my best to avoid. Jenny.