Chapter 384: Good for Nothing

Chapter 384: Good for Nothing

While it would have been interesting to see Joshaya face-off against the resurrected hero with the talking sword, it didnt feel like the time and place for a duel to the death. Plus, it would have been messy and I would have been expected to help tidy up. Flossie and Dudley would have helped, too, but the thing with couples is, they seem to think a fair division of labour is they do half and you do half, but theres fucking two of them so they should be doing 66%. Youre not a unit, youre a couple, you should both do your fair share.

Other than my issues with workshy twosomes, I needed both Joshaya and Caim, for now at least.

I left my body and everything froze.

Caim, swathed in black vines, was bearing down on Joshaya, blade extended. Apart from wanting to prevent any deaths, I had also been curious to see what Caim looked like here in the adjacent world. The vines encasing him had the same look and texture as the ones in this world, and I wondered if that gave him some kind of ability here.

He looked the same. There were no extra vines growing from his body. Whether that meant the armour shielded him or that he was like me and didnt have attachments, I wasnt sure. It could be that hed been dead so long, he needed time for them to grow back.

Or, it might be his vines were unrelated to my vines.

There was a slight movement from Joshaya. He could move here, but at a glacial pace. My power didnt actually stop time, it just slowed it down. Actually, I was beginning to think it didnt slow it down at all, it speeded me up. I could exist in between seconds, able to perform actions so fast, it made everyone look like they were standing still. Which would have been great if I could actually touch and move things in the real world.

My main ability was really good at stopping anything from happening, I was basically a human pause button. It wasnt a very proactive ability. It didnt enable me to do what I wanted, it just prevented others from doing what they wanted. My superhero name would be Cockblocker.

During the pause, I could do a bunch of things, but mostly it was just a delaying tactic. A time-out.

There was more to it than that, of course. I could use the black goo that bonded objects together as a way to force movement in the real world. It was a very powerful ability which I had put to good use, but it was incredibly tedious. It was not fun.

Without experiencing it first hand, I dont think it can really be appreciated just how much of a pain it was to draw out the black goo into threads and attach them to various objects in an attempt to get them to do what I wanted in the real world. It was excruciatingly dull and took hours. Even though time didnt exist for the rest of the universe, it existed for me. Even though I was moving at supersonic speed compared to everyone else, everything took forever.

Joshaya was languidly moving out of Caims path. His movements were unhurried but his face was twisted into a fearful grimace. He clearly feared his attacker, which was good to know.

The Deathreaper would find an empty space where he was attacking, once I restarted things. He probably wouldnt take it well. He seemed the type to take it personally if you magically removed his decapitation target. Some people are like that. They think any attempt to stop them doing what they want is belittling them and their goals in life.

Why cant we go see a movie I want to see for once? Its always the genius of Pixar this and the emotions of Pixar that. Its a bloody cartoon, you child. Grow up.

Im not saying the sentiments wrong, my mum just lacked tact, sometimes.

I floated over to Caim and reached out a finger towards the vines wound around his arm like strapping. It looked like he was covered in black rubber bands, thousands of them forming a rubber suit of armour. The suit rippled and squirmed, which suggested these vines were at least related to the vines from here. As did the fact I was able to touch them. The texture was exactly as unpleasant.

Violation detected, said the sword.

The sound of a voice was startling. I was used to being utterly alone here, surrounded by silence.

The sword was made of dark crystal. It looked black at first, but it had a purple tinge to it. The blade was jagged and uneven, like the crystal had been found that way. It also looked very sharp along its edges and vicious at the points, of which there were several.

Hello? I floated closer to the blade to get a better look at it. Do you have a name? It was a bit strange conversing with a sword, but as long as it couldnt move, I was fine with some small-talk. Actually, I was never fine with small-talk, but Id put it up with it this once.

Withdraw or suffer the consequences.

Feisty. This newb didnt realise that Id been suffering consequences my whole life. My location made little difference.

You know, manners cost nothing. A simple introduction before you start throwing around threats is considered polite around here. Especially when you cant move and I can. I wasnt trying to be a dick, but sometimes you have to draw the line. Preferably when no one can step over it and call your bluff.

Your threat-level is negligible. You will be neutralised if you do not comply.

I have to admit I was a little hurt. When the sword had made its risk assessment earlier, I had assumed I was one of the two ultra-level threats mentioned. Apparently, I was considered one of the two negligibles. Seemed harsh.

Who were the ultras, then? Joshaya, or Arthur as Caim believed him to be. And Flossie? She was the Dragonrider, so there was that. I wouldnt have called it an ultra ability, myself, but I wasnt on the panel of experts who get to make these calls.

Its all personal opinion, really. The Academy says Leo is the best actor, the Hollywood Foreign Press say its Denzel. The only thing we know with any degree of objective certainty is that somewhere Kanye is having a really good time, just loving his life and not giving a shit.

Look, I dont care what your rating is, this isnt a chance for you to get your voice heard and shape world opinion on the top five Michael Bay movies. I tend to ramble when Im trying to play the tough guy, especially when you have no frame of reference. Its the tone thats the important thing. Youre in my world now, and my threat here is unimaginable.

That might not have come across as hard-nosed as Id wanted unimaginable could also be taken to mean non-existent but I wasnt about to be intimidated by an inanimate object.

Actually, inanimate objects could be very intimidating, particularly those that were penis shaped and took six D cell batteries. Now that I thought about it, the sword had a roughly phallic shape to it, but at least it wasnt battery-powered. Although, a giant black dildo without batteries didnt make it any less threatening.

Was I being racist or homophobic? I know, why not both? Youd think thered be a word for that. Homafrophobic? Sounds like the title to a rap album, the kind where youre fairly certain the rapper doesnt know what hes talking about but likes the way the words sound (Quick, Ye, to the recording studio!).

I wasnt normally the curious sort, but this particular origin story seemed relevant to me. If I could get myself a suit of armour like his, it might stop me from getting hurt. I mean, physically. Emotionally I was already pretty dead, so no need to worry about that.

The problem was that vines were repulsed by me (yes, yes, them and everybody else), so how would I get them to provide a barrier all over my body. And what role did the sword play? Did it grow out of the vines? Did it come from Caim himself? Was it an entirely separate entity?

I dont know if I can trust you, said the overgrown kitchen utensil.

Sure, I get that. I dont trust you either. Most people Ive met in this world have treated me in an honourable and fair way right up to the point theyve tried to kill me. I doubt you two will be any different.

We have had a similar experience. Caim is reluctant to trust anyone ever again.

What about you? I asked.

I never trusted anyone in the first place.

But you still ended up dead.

I did not die. Caim did.

Well, thats splitting hairs, isnt it? Not like you can go off without him.

We were in danger of starting to bicker, but that was okay. Better to get an understanding of where we stood and take it from there. We could still each get what we wanted as long as we were open and honest, and assumed the other was a lying sack of shit. Diplomacy, I believe its called.

We will lead the way. We will choose the battles. There will be no mercy given, there will be no prisoners taken.

Yeah, sure, whatever. Going off the deep end a bit, but I guess if a sword cant take war seriously, who can? Do you have a name?

I am known as Black Thorn, said the sword, but to Caim, I am his Angel Rose.

Nice. Youre a girl. Always turns out well for me when its a girl.

You should know, said Angel Rose, I will allow no one to hurt Caim again. No one.

I sensed a bit of an overprotective girlfriend vibe, but I was probably misinterpreting the situation as I always did with girls (although I usually misinterpreted it into thinking they were being reasonable and kind, easy mistake to make).

Fine. Sounds good. No hurt, Im all for it. Now, can you get him to stand down before he does the hurting?

I can retract myself, but he can still do a lot of damage without me. You will have to subdue him.

Me? But my threat-level is negligible. People never point out your failings when they want a favour from you. Isnt there an Off button on this suit?

It looked pretty seamless, no switches or panels to pry open in the case of an emergency. God knows how he took a dump in this thing.

Your rating has been upgraded to cause for concern. Caim is committed to a course of action. There is no stopping him when he gets like this.

Cause for concern was how my family referred to my cousin who liked starting fires. Hardly the most impressive rank in the superhero hall of fame.

Cockblocker is here to save the day, or at least get in everyones way to an annoying extent. Dont worry, I have been officially classified as a cause for concern.

Not sure whod be more concerned, the villains or the victims.

Joshaya, go in the other room. Joshaya slowly nodded. So far hed got to the end of the table. Hed only need another century or so to make it to the door. Chop-chop. We havent got all day. We actually had eternity, but people tend to fill the time you allow them. Does the suit have any special properties? Flying, tracking targets, laser beams?

Yes, said Angel Rose.

Yes? All of them? Great. Always good to know how much youre outclassed by. Not like you can ask after youve been squished like a bug.

There was only one thing for it. Id have to go old school. I floated down to Caims feet and began to eek out the black goo from between the floor and the bottom of his foot.

Yes, I was going to do the equivalent of tying his shoelaces together; if tying shoelaces took six hours. I fucking hated my power.

Once that was done (no jump cuts for me, I had the real-time experience), I returned to my body. Action restarted and Caim immediately tripped and fell.

Bundle! I cried out and we all jumped on him, old school.