CH 8.1

Chapter 8 (part 1)

The old aunties were strong, but Ning Wan, who had the advantage in equipment, was stronger. When she spoke, no one could shout her down.

In no time at all, the battle was won and Ning Wan one-sidedly declared the war over. "Go on, everyone, go home, don't keep thinking about Lawyer Fu, and don't worry about the marriage of your children and relatives. Your children and grandchildren have their own fates, and finding a partner and getting married may not make them happy. Everything happens in its own time! Don't try to push it!"

Although unreconciled and unwilling, the old aunties knew that they no longer had any hope of demanding Fu Zheng's contact information. Anyway, it was true that their own children were hardly in a hurry to be pushed onto blind dates either, so they could only allow Ning Wan to herd them out. As they filed out bitterly, they gazed reluctantly at Fu Zheng as if he were a piece of fancy discounted pork at the supermarket that they hadn't managed to get their hands on.

"That's what you get for not listening to your senior's words."

At first, Ning Wan had thought to kick him while he was down, with maybe a couple extra kicks while she was at it. But when she turned to look at him, she found that the haughty young master looked haggard and somehow a little pitiful, as if he were doubting life.

She softened. "Alright, alright, life just trampled you a little. No big deal! You can just change your photo."

Fu Zheng looked at Ning Wan, his countenance ugly and his tone unpleasant. "Why are you still obsessed with my ugly photos? Did I offend you by growing up to look like this?"

"I say, Fu Zheng, why do you have such a stick up your butt? Didn't those old ladies just teach you a lesson just now? It isn't safe for a man to be so attractive! How do you think they all found you? It's because you published your ID photo on the neighbourhood website!"

Fu Zheng frowned. He peered suspiciously at Ning Wan.

She couldn't help but roll her eyes. "The largest blind date group in Rongshi, 'A Thousand Miles of Marriage,' was originally founded right here in our Yuelan Neighbourhood. It's now a well-known brand name. Just to get in, old aunties from other neighbourhoods have to go through an interview process."

"After an auntie officially enters the group by passing the written interview, their performance is rated. Every member must recommend at least one quality single young lady and one quality single young man every month, and must matchmake a young couple every year. Failing to do so means being kicked out from the group." Ning Wan shot a glance at Fu Zheng. "In my experience, as soon as a photo is publicized on the community website and public account it reaches the blind date group within half an hour. Everyone has a quota to fill, and such a beautiful piece of 'merchandise' like yourself is insanely rare, so of course they're all going to come here and 'inspect the goods'. And if they don't find any defects, they will attempt to lay their hands on you."

“……”

Fu Zheng had no words. At that moment there was a song stuck in his head - The city is too dark, I want to go home to the country1.

He suddenly felt that he, this senior lawyer, had knowledge only worthy to be used for farming out in the country...

At that moment, he finally understood why Ning Wan had been so insistent on a hideous photo. He had completely misjudged her, she really had done it out of kindness...

Ning Wan was unaware of Fu Zheng's complex inner emotions. "Hurry up and send me some super ugly photo," she urged, "or who knows how many bees and butterflies your current one will keep attracting."

……

Fu Zheng searched for a good long time before finally finding a photo. He sent it to Ning Wan.

She shot it down immediately. "Not this one. It's not ugly enough. Don't you have one where you hadn't washed your hair in awhile? Crooked eyes? A slanty mouth?"

“……”

Fu Zheng did his best to search once again. After a fierce inner struggle, he handed over a photo that was a dark spot in his history.

Unfortunately...

"No, no, even this is still too good." Ning Wan frowned. "Don't you want to be freed from all the matchmakers? Give me something really, truly hideous!"

Fu Zheng was on the verge of grief. Had he committed some sort of crime by being handsome? What was up with this woman's cold eyes?

He could only stifle his emotions. To salvage a little of his own reputation, he said dully, "Like I said, I really don't have any ugly photos. I didn't lie."

Ning Wan gave up as well. "Teach a man to fish and he'll have fish for life. In this critical time, let me show you one of the four great magicks of China."

Stunned, Fu Zheng couldn't help himself. He tottered over to see Ning Wan flipping open an app on her phone that he had never seen before. Then--

"First, let's make your eyes a little smaller. Do you want triangular snake eyes, or to be able to see the whites around the pupil?" Smiling, Ning Wan looked to Fu Zheng. "I'll respect your decision."

"..." Fu Zheng bit his lip and squeezed out, "Triangular ones..."

"Alright then, triangular ones. And I'll make them a little further apart so you don't look too smart."

“……”

"What about the nose? Would you like a beak-like nose, like an eagle, or a big one like the Ox King2?"

"...a beak..."

"A bigger mouth too, perhaps? One like a catfish? A man with a big mouth looks down-to-earth."

“……”

"Shall we change your ears as well?"

No, please...

But too bad, it seemed like some sort of creative switch inside Ning Wan seemed to have been flipped. She stopped asking Fu Zheng for his input and began to draw enthusiastically.

"Here, I'll give you a mole with a hair on it. You'll want to be ugly, but in good health. Moles like that are benign. Though I'm ugly, I'm very healthy..." she hummed.

I can only thank you...

Having Photoshopped to her hearts' content, Ning Wan finally stretched in success. "it's done! Wanna see?"

Although Fu Zheng knew that as a mature man, he should stay calm and not be curious about such vulgar, trivial things, his feet weren't listening to his brain. By the time he realized it, he was behind Ning Wan, leaning down to look at her phone.

He wasn't the vulgar one, of course. This had nothing to do with him. His mind had been very clear. It was his dastardly feet that were ill, and he hadn't been able to stop them from walking toward her.

“……”

“…………”

“………………”

But if he had never seen it, he would never have known. Now that he had seen it, Fu Zheng could not peel his eyes away...

"Ning Wan, did I do something to you in a past life?" Staring at her phone, he felt like he was suddenly about to rise up to heaven. What sort of hatred did this woman have against him to have made him so ugly?

Although he had accepted that he had to be a little ugly to avoid trouble... did he have to be this ugly?

Besides, in this case it was no longer merely a problem of 'ugliness'. These slanted eyes, the huge distance between them, the evilly beak-like nose, ears that could probably swivel to hear in all directions...

Fu Zheng pressed the throbbing veins on his forehead. "You've made me look like I have a mental disability! Like I have Down Syndrome!"

"I did?" Ning Wan peered at her Photoshopped creation. "I think it's not half bad at all! I'm absolutely sure that anyone who looks at this won't take a second glance." She patted Fu Zheng on the shoulder. "Rest assured, once this photo gets posted, no one will ever think about coming after you. You will be safe."

Enduring his headache, Fu Zheng inquired, "Should I thank you?"

"You're very welcome! You can treat me to dinner tonight, if you like," Ning Wan exclaimed happily, not catching the sarcasm in his tone, "Since I helped you with the chicken case and you agreed to take me as your teacher too, tonight can both be a thank-you and an apprenticeship feast! This will save you a meal!"

If you would think a little less on my behalf, Fu Zheng thought, I really would thank you.