CH 48.2

What Ning Wan hadn't foreseen was that while she and Fu Zheng were still puzzling over the evidence issue, just two days later, Shu Ning had changed her mind--

"Lawyer Ning, Lawyer Fu, after thinking it over I've decided not to get a divorce." Even though the injury on her face still hadn't completely healed, she had completely reversed her previous decision. "It's just that... my daughter is still so young. If I divorced, she'll have to grow up in a single-parent family. Even if I win full custody, I'll have to balance work and taking care of her, and it wouldn't be as good a living environment as that of a two-parent family..."

Shu Ning sounded embarrassed, and she spoke quickly, as if the person to be persuaded was not Ning Wan and Fu Zheng, but herself. "This time when Feiyuan came home he brought a lot of gifts. He even specially prepared a candlelit dinner to make amends, and took me out to the places where we had gone before when we were falling in love. He said that this time, he had truly learnt his lesson and knew that he was at fault."

"But that's what he said last time, and in the end he still kept hitting you?!”

But Shu Ning couldn't understand Ning Wan's reckless anxiety. Hanging her head, she continued, "This time I believe Feiyuan is serious. While he was on his business trip, I told him that I was filing for divorce, and he immediately went crazy. He seriously can't live without me, he even slit his wrists that night... and sent me a video of it. He wouldn't go to the hospital until I had finally agreed not to leave him. I... when I heard him cry his heart out on the phone, listened to him talk about our past, and there was the matter of the child, I just... My heart melted... I decided to give him another chance...."

But as Shu Ning was still babbling on, the bitter feelings in Ning Wan's heart nearly exploded. Even though she was clearly already an independent adult who could decide her own life, at that very moment as if she had been reborn, Ning Wan felt as if she had returned to that summer in her youth - that cramped, damp, dark summer when it seemed like no road forward could be seen.

Throughout that summer, her father had repeated the cycle of borrowing money, gambling, losing money, being pursued for his debts, drinking, and taking his anger out on her mother. Every minute and every second, her ears seemed haunted by his curses, accompanied by the constant sound of objects being smashed.

The broken glass, the white steam from hot soup poured out on the ground, the punches and kicks falling on her mother, the smell of blood hidden in the air.

These fragments of memory accompanied Ning Wan's entire adolescence. She felt like a plant that hated the shade, but which grew in the dense forest without a single ray of sunshine. In her youth there was no light-hearted laughter, no foolish first love, nothing at all worth recalling. There was only her mother's silent crying, the violent roars of her father, and the constant lack of money - in order to pay her father's gambling debts, he had cleaned out their family, leaving only the living expenses that her mother bartered her beatings for. Ning Wan had had to work to save  up for her own tuition fees and the like.

During that endless depression, Ning Wan had done her best to push down her fury and unwillingness. In her heart, she kept asking the same question over and over - why didn't her mother file for divorce? Why couldn't she decisively turn her back on her father? Why did she always forgive a man's false apologies and excuses even after being wounded over and over again?

"My daughter is still young. She still needs her mom and dad. I've resolved to give her a complete family..."

Shu Ning was still speaking softly, and at this moment, in Ning Wan's eyes her docile, submissive appearance overlapped with the image of her mother in her memories. Even their excuses for enduring this sort of life were one and the same--

"If it weren't for my daughter, I might also consider divorce, but after considering it, I feel like I can't be so selfish. If I get a divorce, my daughter will grow up as a child of a single-parent family, and that will make it hard for her to find a husband in the future. Single parenthood is a red flag for the families of many prospective grooms, they feel like the child grew up in an unhealthy atmosphere…"

Though Ning Wan knew very well that she should restrain herself, at that moment the anger that had simmered in her heart for many years finally bubbled over and burst out.

"Your child, your child. It sounds good saying it's for the sake of the child. Is it fun hiding behind your son or daughter and using them as a shield? To put it bluntly, it's because you're timid and cowardly that you don't have the courage to leave a man who's wrong for you and start over!"

She stared at Shu Ning, her voice quivering faintly due to her great emotion. Fu Zheng hesitated. He wanted to stop her, but at that moment Ning Wan was completely lost to reason--

"You must feel like you're being selfless, mustn't you? But in the end aren't you just shifting the blame for your suffering to your child? Then when she's older, will you tell her that her mother lived like this for her sake? Let your daughter live in guilt over you all her life?"

Shu Ning obviously hadn't expected Ning Wan's sudden lashing out. Her whole body froze.

"What kind of happiness do you think children growing up amid domestic violence can have? What sort of healthy family environment do you think that is? A loving, safe environment is what a child needs most. Even if you must be divorced, it's better than living with a piece of a garbage!"

Even though she was clearly Yu Feiyuan's victim, Shu Ning defended her attacker instead, even taking offence on his behalf. "Feiyuan isn't as bad as you say. Please don't make personal attacks like that. He..."

It is always difficult for people to frankly admit that they were wrong. It's hard to admit how bad their judgment had been when they chose a spouse, and how bad their own choices were. Therefore, even if in their heart of hearts they were vaguely aware that something was wrong, they brainwash and numb themselves to cover up the issue. To add to that, Shu Ning had been subject to Yu Feiyuan's emotional manipulation for a very long time.

In all her years at the community, Ning Wan had never seen anyone worse than Yu Feiyuan. But there was also no other sort of case like domestic violence that made her feel such pain and rage, as though she was experiencing it herself.

"Shu Ning, look at your life! You are so much better than Yu Feiyuan, yet he uses you like a tool. You are first yourself, not just a wife and mother! But what self do you have right now? This isn't the first time Yu Feiyuan has hit you. The violence escalates every time, do you think you'll be able to endure? Must you really wait until he hurts you permanently? Must he beat you to death before you wake up?"

"If a person doesn't want to save themselves, no one can help them. If you don't get a divorce, you'll continue live in this hell! Don't think you're so great for enduring for the sake of your child. It's not your child who is bringing you down, but you who have let her down! Because of your foolish cowardice in choosing not to divorce, your daughter's childhood will be full of the shadow of violence!"

Ning Wan's words were sharp and incisive, making Shu Ning's face darken in anger. "Who do you think you are? Do you fancy yourself some extreme feminist who opposes marriage and parenthood? Shouldn't a lawyer respect their clients? I don't want a divorce, alright? Feiyuan is my husband, and I believe he can change. Do you think that just because you want me to divorce, I should do it? It's better to tear down ten temples than one marriage, you twisted, unkind woman! You have no idea how difficult life is for a divorced woman. If I get a divorce and my daughter suffers, are you going to be responsible for that?"

Shu Ning was a gentle and indecisive sort of person. Ning Wan hadn't thought that not only would her words not wake her up, but would cause her to strike back rebelliously instead. If she had been feeling guilty for wasting Ning Wan and Fu Zheng's time helping her investigate, this guilt was now swept away.

"No wonder they say that those who can only be community lawyers are no good!" Shu Ning spat. "Who do you think you are?! It's none of your business whether I get divorced or not! Sure enough, Feiyuan was right. A low-level lawyer like you just wants me to get a divorce so you can make a quick buck! As soon as I change my mind, you act like this. Shame on you!"

When she was done speaking, Shu Ning didn't wait for Ning Wan to react. She turned and left.

Ning Wan watched her go, feeling frustrated, dejected, and angry. The same old story, the same old ending. Without knowing it, she had projected her expectations for her mother on Shu Ning, but sadly Shu Ning had been no different. Almost voluntarily, she had chosen to return to a life under mind control.

It was Ning Wan's darkest day ever since having become a community lawyer. But at what she thought was her lowest point in her career, she received another blow - Shu Ning lodged a complaint.