CH 51.3

Ning Wan felt at that moment as if she had been shot in the heart. But what followed was not pain; instead there was a nervous flurry of bewilderment, as if she had lost even the ability to breathe. Only when she had calmed down did she realize that her heart was still pumping away in her chest, but it was beating so fast that she couldn't ignore it.

Fu Zheng had clearly said nothing strange. He just wanted to continue working with her…

But the way he had gazed into her eyes as he said it made Ning Wan feel unable to meet his stare directly. It felt as though her whole person had become confused. She didn't even know where her hands and feet should go.

In the past, no matter how difficult and complicated a case had been, she had never cowardly flinched back, but now his words were for the first time evoking in her the urge to escape. What did he mean, 'you and me'? But unexpectedly the words 'it's impossible for us' weren't coming out?

Fu Zheng, the cause of all this, didn't realize what he had done wrong. He continued on, still looking at her, "I wouldn't do this for any other colleague, only for you."

Ning Wan's whole face turned red. She felt her temperature rising uncontrollably. Didn't people like Fu Zheng know what sort of face they had? Shouldn't they avert suspicion and not say things like that to the opposite sex? It was far too easy to misunderstand!

"You're an intern..."

"I know that as an intern, it was hasty and inappropriate for me to get involved in this case, but I didn't do it because I was an intern or because of any professional identity." Fu Zheng smiled. "I'm just here as Fu Zheng."

Then he gave her another look and suggested, "So you can stop lecturing me now, right?"

...With all that said, how could one possibly lecture him? And forget lecturing, with how sweet and gentle he currently looked she was embarrassed even to say a harsh word...

This stupid, silly, sweet creature really made people want to protect him...

But Ning Wan had never thought that one day she would be the one who was protected by a silly sweet creature.

Although she might not have a mentor to look out for her, it felt good somehow to have Fu Zheng's protection.

But though her heart was filled with gratitude and nervousness, there were other emotions in the mix. "Thank you, really, but Fu Zheng, I'm really not as good as you think…"

Perhaps since he was a newcomer, Fu Zheng had imprinted on her, and now he had on a filter when it came to her because she had occasionally instructed him. But she was unworthy of his praise.

"You're very good. You have a strong sense of responsibility toward every one of your clients. In addition to the cold, hard laws, you also make an effort to bring the parties in each case relief. You hope to protect and to change the lives of others for the better, through law."

His tone was low and gentle, but insistent. "Despite Shu Ning, you were willing to keep trying, willing to do investigations that would seem meaningless to many other lawyers, to visit her company and her school, to do what others see as 'useless work'. You are a warm and most excellent lawyer," and here his voice softened, "And in this case, you have helped Shu Ning and Shiyin out of a quagmire."

"I'm not that good." Ning Wan bit a lip, struggled for a moment, and finally decided to confess. "Actually, in some ways, it shouldn't be Shu Ning and Shiyin being grateful for having encountered me through this case, but me who should be thanking them for having chosen me."

Again she kicked a pebble. Under the circumstances there was no longer any point in hiding her family situation. "Because I experienced the shadow of domestic violence as a child, I despise it. I understood Shiyin's emotions, because I've felt them all. I've been trying to persuade my mother to leave but been disappointed again and again, until in the end, not only did I hate my father, but I also had a grudge against my mother. I can't forgive him, but deep down, it seems that I couldn't forgive her either, because I always felt that if she had decisively divorced him earlier, she and I would both have had a better life."

Ning Wan had never told anyone about these inner feelings. She had never even thought that she would one day voice them. However, Fu Zheng seemed to have such a power to make her feel safe, as if she could bring before him the darkest of her inner emotions and yet still not be despised. He was like the sea, calm and deep, and amply tolerant.

"Before this case, I always thought that I had done perfectly as far as my father's abuse went. I had done everything a daughter should do, encouraged my mother to get evidence and a divorce, worked hard, and never let her worry. I was financially independent and could support her in the case of a divorce, so it was entirely her own fault and choice that she had never gotten one."

As she said this, tears gradually welled up in her eyes. "But up until today, I never realized how selfish and stupid I've been. I never really understood my mother. I was always looking at it from my own standpoint. I've never put myself in her shoes."

She had never thought about the psychological problems the victim might have. She had never thought that her own mother might have developed Stockholm Syndrome through the years of violence and suppression. Domestic violence hurt not only the body, but also the mind, and after many long years of injury, her mother might have simply been no longer able to break away from this life by herself. Perhaps she had lost her mental freedom and the ability to resist, becoming numb and resigned.

But even so, Fu Zheng's eyes remained dark and deep. "What have you done wrong? You're just an imperfect victim."

"No, it was my fault." Ning Wan said, taking a deep breath and looking at the ground. "I was selfish. Just like all the keyboard warriors, I blamed and criticized my mother, but never thought to take the initiative to help her out of this life."

"Shiyin, who's only six years old, tried to help her mother by constantly calling the police and secretly recording videos, but what about me? All I did was move my mouth, saying big words to persuade my mother. I never really did anything for her. "

When she thought of all those years of her mother's repressed pain and suffering, Ning Wan was full of remorse and guilt. Had she really done her best for her mother? Not at all!

She wasn't qualified to call herself a daughter at all!

"My mother chose silence in the face of long term violence. She was afraid of change, so she didn't dare get a divorce, but I gave up on her so easily..."

When she spoke about these things, Ning Wan could no longer control her emotions. Self-reproach, remorse and pain crept into her heart like poisonous vines. She knew she shouldn't cry, it would be so rude, Fu Zheng hadn't even known her for that long, but at that moment, Ning Wan couldn't help herself. What six-year-old Shiyin had said hammered at her sense of self, which had always been good. If you really wanted to protect someone, simply talking wasn't enough.

"If it hadn't been for Shiyin's fierce manner, Shu Ning might have never seen the light. I wonder, if I could have been like Shiyin, would my mother have divorced my father long ago?"

She bowed her head to try and hide the tears flowing down. "I clearly... clearly could have brought my mother to Rong City earlier, so that even if she wasn't divorced, she could stay away from my father. I could have asked a psychiatrist to intervene and treat her. After a few years of separation, she might have broken it off with my father... but I didn't think anything. I didn't do anything for my mother. I just wanted to get away from my father and out of sight, out of mind. I only thought that my mother was stubbornly sticking to the wrong path. I'm not... I'm not a good person at all. I didn't even protect my mother..."

"It wasn't your fault." Fu Zheng's voice interrupted her. Even a simple sentence like that seemed to have the power to calm hearts.

Ning Wan felt a warm touch on her face, and saw Fu Zheng handing her a tissue.

"Our culture has always liked to place blame on the victims. When a woman encounters domestic abuse, there will always be someone immediately questioning: Was she at fault? Did she say something provocative? A girl breaks up and is stalked by her ex-boyfriend, and we immediately begin trying to get to the root cause: Did he spend a lot of money on her while they were together and is now trying to get revenge?"

If he had rebuked her, then perhaps Ning Wan would have felt better. But he didn't. He was gentle, tolerant and non-judgmental, yet Ning Wan felt more like crying than ever.

"In short, it seems as though a victim must be perfect and flawless in order to deserve sympathy. But that isn't so." Fu Zheng bent down slightly so that his line of sight was level with Ning Wan's. "The victim is the victim no matter what. You don't have to criticize yourself for being imperfect. You, like your mother, are the victims here, so don't blame yourself for not doing enough to protect others, because you yourself should have been the one being protected."

Ning Wan still couldn't stop her tears from falling. Fu Zheng looked helpless. He lightly patted her head and met her tearful gaze. "It really isn't your fault. The who's in the wrong is the one who was violent. Like any other victim, you shouldn't be hard on yourself."

Ning Wan choked up and looked away awkwardly.

For a very long time, she had always outwardly appeared cheerful and strong, never yielding or admitting defeat. But at this moment, she felt like she no longer wanted to be strong. Fu Zheng was being so gentle, so gentle that she felt like it was enough if she could always have his protection, so gentle that she wanted to rely on him, so gentle that she might really forgive herself. She was a victim too, and even if she hadn't done well enough, she wasn't at fault.

"Also, I've always wanted to apologize to you for my previous views on your academic qualifications." Fu Zheng's tone was very soft. "I'm sorry. You've made me change my mind. Education isn't everything; it's just a stepping stone and a starting point. You're amazing to have grown up in that environment and still become such a strong lawyer. If I had been you, I might not have your achievements."

"So don't cry, everyone looks nicer when laughing." Smiling, he coaxed, "Well then, what would you like to eat? Maybe matcha ice cream? To celebrate having reconciled with the client, and the complaint soon to be dropped? We should be happy about such a good thing happening."

No longer feeling unreasonably emotional, Ning Wan wiped her tears and simply said, "Yes!"

The past was past and the future had not yet arrived. Anyway, time couldn't be turned back, but now that everyone had realized their own shortcomings they could still be remedied by seizing the now.

There were moments when the circle of life was truly marvelous. Ning Wan had helped Shu Ning, but in a sense, Shu Ning's case had also awoken Ning Wan. Through this Shu Ning would eventually mature, so why not also Ning Wan, her attorney?

Perhaps the relationship between lawyers and clients wasn't always a one-way street, but possibly one in which they could warm and grow each other.

After having cried and vented, Ning Wan already knew what she had to do. Sometimes, victims of domestic abuse didn't need just verbal advice, but also someone to reach out a hand and drag them out of the mire.

She wanted to do what she couldn't before - to protect her mother, to change her life.

But before that, she was going to follow Fu Zheng to have matcha ice cream.