CH 26

When I was younger, I liked the curse because it felt like proof that my mother loved me, but as time went on, I grew to resent it. I hated my immortal body, and I hated my mother for passing on this curse.

The reason why this curse is unfortunate is not just because the day they must die is slowly approaching. As time passes…. the closer they get to death, the more unhappy they become because they are completely isolated. When my mother and father died, I was left alone in the world, and I thought that my loneliness would be alleviated by meeting with Heo-sang, but it was an illusion.

Once I felt warmth, I wanted more. One more day, two more days. The longer we stay together, the heavier the parting that will one day come. Just as a drop of water found by chance for a thirsty man is felt not as hope but as despair, so the longer I stayed by Heo-sang’s side, the more my thirst grew.

At one point, I thought about just following my heart, but in the end, I chose to run away. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want to leave him with loneliness. I wanted him to remember me not as the cause of his curse, but as his unfulfilled first love, and on my deathbed, I tried to defend myself by saying, ‘I did my best not to bring you a curse.’

…. Though even that plan is now in tatters.

“Hajae, I hate you.”

I hate you, too, mum. But I still love her.

“Why are you the only one who survived?”

I don’t know why ……I wish we could have died together.

When mum was eaten by the curse, when dad died in the accident. I wish I could have dragged my broken body to the ocean, just jumped in and floated away like an inorganic object. My body temperature would drop, my body would go limp, my brain would completely fuse, and I’d be a living corpse that would fill the next ten years before decomposing.

To live. What am I going to do with my life? Would I have spent a fortune drinking the cure and hanging on for dear life, and would I be satisfied with the present? No, I have no one to look up to. I have no friends, and I don’t make relationships for fear of spreading the curse.

For the same reason, of course, I couldn’t have animals. So I got used to spending my birthday alone. Sometimes I climbed onto the roof and stood on the ledge, but each time I gave up and came down. It wasn’t that I was afraid of jumping, it was that I was afraid of being alive and not dead.

Thankfully, I lasted seven years. Then, with less than a year left to live, I was reunited with Heo-sang. I was even shackled so that I could not escape. Tragic endings are a given. I just need to die when the time comes, but Heo-sang who will be left alone will suffer the pain of separation twice because of me.

That’s it. I will surely pass the curse on to him.

The curse of being terribly lonely and constantly feeling guilty when I look at the person I love.

“Hajae.”

I slowly lifted my head at the voice calling my name.

I don’t feel the pain in my thigh anymore. The stench of blood wafts through my nostrils, and I know I must be bleeding profusely. My mind becomes increasingly fuzzy. I can barely see through the tears I’ve shed.

But it’s comfortable. The coldness of my fingertips makes me feel like I’m swimming in the ocean.

“Let’s run away together.”

A gentle voice embraces me. As if mesmerised, I pick myself up off the floor. One of my legs was weak, and it was hard to stand still. Still, I staggered forward.

“Come here.”

Come. To her family’s side. To a home where she didn’t have to think about anything.

When I finally reached out into the darkness, a bright light suddenly stung my eyes. I froze in place and looked down to see the mother-of-pearl glistening on the holy water, and next to it, a blood-stained shoe.

I was about to step on the boundary line created by the holy water.

”…what was I thinking…….”

I stumbled backwards with a start. When I looked up with a clearer vision, I saw something fluttering in the darkness, and it wasn’t my mum or dad.

“Hajae.”

“You’re…….”

Stretching toward me were wings covered in pure white feathers. It had a pale face, with degenerated eyes and a nose, and only parched lips moving. A being so large it could have touched a thousand sheets, it had an all-too-familiar shape.

It was the singer of eternal rest.

“Fenex…!”

Still unable to cross the boundary he had created with the holy water, he was urging me to leave on my own. Sensing my intentions, it slipped back into the darkness, then slyly mimicked the voice I least wanted to hear.

“Hyung.”

He shook his head harshly as he heard the little boy’s voice.

“Why, did you leave me?”

I must not waver, no matter what is in front of me.

Slowly, I bent my knees, my thighs tingling from the gaping wound. Still, I knelt in place and sat up, my fingertips dipped in holy water to wipe the blood from my face. A trickle of water rolled down my cheek: blood, tears, holy water-I couldn’t tell anymore.

Then, with trembling hands, I traced the holy symbols and recited a prayer.

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us….”

All the while, I hear my mum’s voice. She’s calling me. Calling me to come here. She whispers to me to come back to my family, to my mum’s arms, to the one I’ve missed so much, to make myself at home.

“Guide us…… and lead us not into temptation….”

It looks warm. The white wings spread out towards me feel so enveloping. If I could just lean against them, all my worries would disappear, and I would enter into eternal rest.

“…free me from evil.”

My unwilling legs twitched as if they might rise at any moment, and I mumbled the sentence as I clutched the affected area. As if brainwashing myself, praying for this pain to pass.

“From evil……. Please free me from evil…”

I closed my eyes tightly and mumbled like a delirious person.

I don’t know how many times I repeated the same words. The voices in my head suddenly disappeared. Slowly, like a fog lifting, I came back to my senses and heard an urgent voice in the distance.

Somehow it seemed to be calling to me…

“John!”

A rough shake on my shoulder jolted me awake. When my blurry vision returned, I saw a familiar face. Simeon. His face was somehow even more distorted than mine as he squinted, studying my complexion.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded slowly and looked around: the church was brightly lit by the new candles; the nun beside me, looking down at me with concern, was unharmed; and the white wings that had been so persistently tempting me were nowhere to be seen.

Had it disappeared, or was I dreaming?

“Fe…ne…x…?”

I pronounced each letter with parched lips, and Simeon looked me straight in the eye and answered.

“It’s over.”

“Oh, thank goodness…”

He didn’t even finish his sentence before he collapsed.

“John!”

I thought I saw a white feather before my blurring eyes.

On my seventh birthday, my mum came home from work with a model dinosaur set. It was the toy I’d been begging for all week. My dad had made an amazing whipped cream cake. He’d learnt to bake after being scolded by a high school friend. Honestly, it didn’t look good, but the squiggly “Happy Birthday to my son” written in chocolate pen was a little touching.

So the three of us sat around the table for the first time in a long time. We put on our top hats and sang happy birthday together. Just as I was about to blow out the candles after making my best wishes, Mum said playfully.

”If you don’t blow out the candle at once, your wish will not come true.”

So I blew as hard as I could. But due to my asthma, I ended up with one candle left. No matter what I did, I couldn’t blow it out. Wishes don’t come true. The thought brought tears to my eyes.

My mum panicked and blew out the candle with her hands. My dad immediately snatched the candlestick out of the wick before it was even hot, and they both came to my side at the same time, eager to cheer me up.

“It’s okay, Mum will make your wishes come true. Do you want mum to make a lot of money?”

“No, honey, I don’t know why you suddenly said that when he was blowing out the candles.”

“I didn’t think it would be like this……. Oh, anyway, don’t cry. Son.”

I found it hilarious that she was trying so hard to keep her only son from crying on his birthday. But I couldn’t help but laugh.

”So what was my son’s wish?”

Because I knew this was a dream.

“To die having loved no one…… I want to die.”

I opened my eyes gently at the throbbing pain in my thigh.

“…Mmmm…….”

The spotless white ceiling is familiar. This is the Apostle’s base on a remote island. Maybe it was the memory of being locked up for a week that made it feel so comfortable, like home, even though it wasn’t.

I stare blankly at the ceiling for a while, unable to lift a finger because my body feels like soaked cotton. Still, I was so thirsty that I had to ask for a glass of water. Even a bodyguard who never answers my questions could do that.

I tried to push myself up off the bed with my hands, but my hands were stuck, like they were stuck on something. I struggled to lift my head, looked down at my hand, and let out a muffled scream.

“…What… a surprise…”

Simeon was lying face down on the bed, holding my left hand. I could hear his breathing evenly, as if he had fallen asleep in that state.