CH 33

”Do you hear me?”

Simeon finally spoke up after a long moment of silence.

“Mail… When’s the reservation time?”

“I don’t know, maybe tonight….”

I deliberately blurted out the last part. A normal Simeon would have seen right through the lie. But apparently he doesn’t have that luxury now, and I can’t help but chuckle as he turns to face the bodyguard behind him.

I give up. That one word is enough…. Still you won’t let me go.

“Don’t try anything, it won’t work.”

The black eyes turned back to me. Lips parted to say something, but only a shaky breath escaped. Betrayal and resentment mingled in my sigh. I wanted them to hate me for what I did.

”If the mail goes out as scheduled, my throat will start to tighten, and I’ll do anything crazy to escape the pain, because even if I don’t die, I still have survival instincts.”

Let’s push it, so he can’t think of anything other than the option of giving me up.

“I’ll tear my nails trying to rip the leash off… Maybe I’ll flip over and get pulled out, and in the meantime, all the blood in my neck will burst from the thorns, and I’ll be all over the place… just like now.”

Simeon’s eyes fluttered as he roughly wiped the blood from his cheek with the back of his hand.

“You don’t have to give me a transfusion, I’m not going to die anyway.”

He should have cut him off, once and for all.

“And don’t even think about healing me, it won’t stop the crown’s powers, so you’re just prolonging my suffering… Well, it might be ugly for me to see the bones exposed.”

After a breakup, there will always be scars, so why bother.

“The apostle’s information that you so diligently guarded will spread to the world in an instant, and I will suffer forever in return. As a result, I will remain by your side, but…. Is that really what you want?”

I thought about what I could do to make this end a little less painful.

“Are you going to wrap your arms around my barely-boned neck and say good morning?”

There is no such thing as a beautiful breakup. When my mum left me, when my dad had an accident, when I left the cathedral behind, Heo-sang and nursery school, I felt the pain of separation over and over again, vowing never to make anyone important again.

“Now, choose.”

So before your regrets get any deeper, you need to end this relationship that has nothing but sad endings.

“Will you watch me suffer to the end? Or… will you let me go?”

I looked at his pale, exhausted face and expected victory. But I was not in the least pleased. It was the intense self-loathing that gripped my heart.

I tapped into his trauma to get the answer I wanted. I deliberately jumped into the ocean in front of him. I reenacted his greatest fears in front of him. And I threatened him with his greatest fear: my death.

He’s tired of me doing whatever it takes to get what he wants. I feel like I’m becoming a monster.

No, maybe I was already a monster from the moment I was given an immortal body.

There was silence for a while; he and I locked eyes and said nothing. Only the sound of ferocious waves pierced the heavy silence. Not knowing what he was thinking, he kept his mouth firmly shut.

He was about to speak again when his dry lips parted.

“…Shin Hajae-ssi… I’ll do as you say, so… go ahead and delete the mail.”

His voice was dry and dull. I could sense fear and impatience.

“Are you that afraid of Apostle’s information leaking out?”

His face contorted into a grimace as he considered the response.

“Now, I…… Do I look like I’m afraid of that?”

No, it looks like you’re afraid of losing me. Even knowing that, I asked. I wanted to remind you that you could never win me. Why, they say that in relationships the one who loves more loses, and I’m so glad.

For love makes a fool of a man, and I could never love you enough.

“I’ll cancel when I get home safely.”

“…Yes.”

”But I’m going to schedule the same email every morning and cancel it that night.”

“Yes…”

Simeon nodded his head like a machine. The sesame seeds drooped helplessly in the snow. But there was no use in wavering now. I clasped my trembling hands together in a final attempt to strengthen my resolve, and said, as if in a whisper.

“Never again, do not appear before me.”

Simeon closed his eyes tightly and muttered.

“…I promise.”

The moment I heard those words, I felt an indescribable rush of emotion.

I don’t have to wonder why he’s trying to hold on to me. I don’t have to read into every smile he gives me. No longer at his mercy. The shackles are still around my neck, but they won’t catch the bird that has flown away.

Alas, the cage door is finally open.

It is liberation. Freedom in the truest sense of the word. The guilt will soon oxidize and disappear.

But why is this……….

…….

…………..

…………………

“Shin Hajae-ssi!”

The horizon tilts. No, it’s my body that’s tilting, and in the blink of an eye, I collapse onto the damp sand. I wanted to walk out with dignity, at least at the end, but instead I’ve ended up embarrassing myself.

“Raphael. Sor….”

I should apologies to Rafael, but I can’t even find my voice anymore.

Shua-

The sound of waves beyond distant consciousness

Shua-

The wave crashes against the cliff. The broken wave disappears without a trace, leaving only a white spray. I think it’s amazing that I know my body is destined to be broken, but I’m still running with all my might from far away. Maybe that’s why I feel the same way whenever I see the ocean.

When I woke up, I was in a car.

The person behind the wheel is a bodyguard. I looked to the side, but fortunately there was no one there. As usual, he didn’t say anything to me; he just drove me home and disappeared. I stare at the back of the car as it drives off into the distance.

The shadow of the past that has been following me for years is finally gone. I have finally returned to my daily routine. But instead of being elated, I feel hollow, as if my chest has been punctured. What is this emptiness? I didn’t want to know, so I turned my eyes away from my heart. I cancelled the emails I had scheduled. From now on, I will live in the present, not the past.

“Pay the rent this month… repair the air conditioner….”

I walked up the stairs, ticking off each task as I went. It had only been vacant for a few days, and there were a bunch of flyers stuck to the front door. As I ripped them off, I suddenly noticed the watch on my wrist.

Simeon had given it to me before I fell into the cliff. The face was cracked where I’d hit it, but the watch itself was intact. I looked closely through the broken glass and saw the numbers.

[00:00:00]

I should have stopped as soon as I came out of the gate, but I was still unconscious and had forgotten about the timer. I wondered if I should repair it and give it back, but then I laughed.

”We’ll probably never see each other again.”

I quickly untied my watch and shoved it roughly into my coat pocket, then walked into the house.

It’s a small studio with only the bare necessities. It didn’t smell of human habitation at all, as it hadn’t been cooked, washed, and slept in over and over again. Even though the windows were tightly closed, there was a cold feeling in the house. I had lived in the house for years, but it still felt strange.

“It’s like someone else’s house….”

My dad would be upset if he knew I was living like this…. Suddenly, the thought revitalised me.

I’ll start cooking again, which I’ve stopped doing for a while. Maybe growing plants will help change the dreary atmosphere. I’ll also get rid of the things I’ve been storing away for fear of being confronted with memories.

I rolled up my sleeves and got to work on my overdue chores. I put the pile of laundry in the wash, left the windows wide open, and cleaned the house. I even pushed the bottles of remedies I’d been purposely storing in the corner of my room out to the front door to throw away. Oddly enough, tidying up the house seemed to calm me down. Yes. I can do this. It’s about letting go and starting over.

I picked up the rubbish bin with a sense of relief. It’s like it’s all in my head. As I turn the bin over and pour the rubbish into the bag, a small piece of paper falls to the floor. I bend down to pick it up, but then I see the words on the note.

[Dearly Beloved]

I stiffened as soon as I saw the familiar handwriting.

“……Oh.”

The trembling that began at my fingertips quickly spread to my entire body. The heart that binds the mind from overflowing collapses in an instant. The flimsy dam collapses at the slightest breeze of a letter. As I sat on the floor, tears burst out as if I had been waiting for them.