CH 37

As I kick the covers off roughly and stand up, the powder of the crushed shells scatters in the air. The powder falls gently just like snow in winter. Behind me, Michael stares down at me with vacant eyes. Looking at his closed eyes with an indifferent expression on his face, I can’t help but feel my anger rising.

“Michael!”

“…….”

“Why are you doing this to me? When did I ask you to show me this dream?”

I know. The mirror has no sin.

If there is any sin, it’s in my reflection in the mirror.

“I’d rather you show me a nightmare. I’d rather…….”

Dreams are the reflection of the unconscious. So what am I hoping for: that Heo-sang will recognize that I am John, or that I will be the first to spill all my secrets to him, so that we can spend the rest of our lives together in happiness?

Handing over the vicious curse to Heo-sang in the end? Wanting him to live a lonely life like I do after I die? Forced to live 10 years without being able to love anyone or be loved and then disappear?

“No…. I…I’m not that irresponsible.”

I wiped the despair from my face, which was as hard as if I were stroking a corpse.

I thought I’d be able to forget him somehow. I thought that if my body was far away, my heart would also grow distant from him, but my longing grows stronger and stronger. The more I struggle to live, the more I sink, and so you are constantly on my mind.

It was a hellish week. It was an agonizing time that made me long for the days of nightmares. Day and night, all I have to do is close my eyes for a moment and he’s there. But now I know how to wake up from my dreams.

“Sang-ah.”

Calling his name brings me back to reality. Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that I can’t distinguish between reality and dreams. I feel like I’m walking a tightrope on a blurry line. As I stare bleary-eyed at the ceiling, I realize I’m losing my mind.

Ding dong.

Just then, the doorbell rang. In an instant, my idle thoughts disappeared. As if possessed by something, I stood up and walked to the front door. My staggering gait was like that of a drunkard. With one hand on the wall, I breathed in slowly. Afraid to even look through the tiny peephole, I asked cautiously.

“…Who is it?”

My heart was beating so nervously in anticipation of who was on the other side of the door. As I took a deep breath to shake off the tension, I heard a familiar voice.

“Hajae-hyung …It’s me.”

The unexpected voice took me by surprise, and my hopes were dashed, leaving me with nothing but reality. Now that my relationship with Heo-sang was over, there was only one person who could call me ‘Hajae-hyung’.

“…Raphael?”

I opened the door carefully and it was indeed Raphael standing there. He looked just as I remembered him, with his light blond hair and flashy earrings, but he was in a strange state. His shoulders were slumped, and his fidgeting hands somehow looked subdued.

Raphael who had been sneaking glances at me gave me an awkward smile.

“It’s been a while, hyung …Sorry for coming unannounced.”

“What brings you all the way here?”

Raphael looked a little flustered when I went straight into business, then quickly composed himself.

“I was just wondering how hyung was doing.

“This is why I like kind-hearted people. It’s obvious when they lie.

Still, it’s Raphael, not someone else, so I let it slide.

“Come in. I don’t have much but I can at least make you a cup of tea.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

Raphael followed me in and sat down at the table naturally. He said he’d come to see how I was doing, but he still looked uneasy about what was on his mind. Putting his nervous state to the back of my mind, I boiled water in a coffee pot and added a green tea bag.

The 5,000 won mug I bought at the local supermarket had a 50 won tea bag floating in it. I wanted to give him something nice for his hospitality, but I had never had guests in my life, so I didn’t have fancy tableware or tea.

“I’ve been living on my own, so this is all I have.”

With an awkward smile, I set the cup down and Raphael claps his hands.

“Oh no, it’s okay. I love green tea.”

He’s kind. I made such a kind child watch as I slit my throat with his knife. It wouldn’t be enough if I apologized a hundred times. I sit across from him and stare at him, and Raphael finishes his tea.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, thanks to Raphael.”

“That’s a relief. I was really worried you might have some after-effects.”

“You don’t have to worry about that.”

I’m sure I would have survived somehow even if he hadn’t treated me, as my body is unnecessarily strong. Still, I owe him a debt of gratitude for what he did. No, an apology should come first.

I sighed softly and bowed my head slowly.

“I sincerely apologize for what happened that day.”

“…yes?”

“I showed an ugly side to you.”

He didn’t answer no matter how long I waited, so I lifted my gaze to meet his blank stare. I guess he didn’t expect a straightforward apology. Raphael, catching my glance, jerked like a broken doll.

“Ah…! Oh, well. I was surprised, but I’m sure you had your own reasons, so it’s okay.”

“Well, it’s nice that you understand, but I really wanted to apologize to Raphael.”

“No, it’s fine. Don’t let it weigh your mind.”

Raphael nodded vigorously and reached for my hand on the table, but his palm was strangely cold. I definitely served him a hot cup of green tea… now that I look at him, his face is pale. I could see the uneasiness in his face, even though he was smiling. He looked like he was being chased by something.

“So why did you come to see me? Surely you didn’t come because you were genuinely concerned about my well-being?”

“That…….”

As if he had a hesitant heart, Raphael glanced around with wide eyes. There was something familiar about that look, so I gauged his reaction cautiously.”

Is it for the same reason the bodyguard came by for the other day?”

Raphael’s eyes widened at the mention of the word bodyguard.

“He was here?”

“If you mean the one who’s always by Simeon’s side, yes. He was here last week.”

“So you… talked to him? Did you talk?”

“No, I didn’t. I said I wasn’t interested.”

I had sent him on his way without another word, fearing my resolve would be shaken. I have no intention of listening to Simeon’s side of the story, even if it is Raphael.

Gently pulling away from his grasp, I shook my head.

“I’m sorry, but if Raphael’s going to talk about Simeon too, I need you to leave.”

“Hyung. W-wait a minute.”

“I can’t tell you what the circumstances are, but… Anyway my mind won’t change. I have no intention of meeting him.”

Raphael’s face turned pale at my firm refusal. His smile, which had been trying to hide his nervousness, was gone, and he looked like he might cry at any moment. Raphael leapt to his feet and promptly fell to his knees.

“Please listen to me, hyung.”

Panicking, I grabbed his arm and tried to force him to his feet, but he wouldn’t budge.

“What’s wrong with you all of a sudden?”

“Hajae-hyung …you’re the only one who’s left.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re the only one who can save the guild leader.”

……What? Save who? Simeon? Why? Did he get hurt?

“At this rate, the guild leader… he might die.”

Struggling to hold back tears, Raphael gripped my arm with a trembling hand. From his shaking, his anxiety and nervousness was palpable. But I didn’t have the presence of mind to comfort him. My mind was already racing with a million questions.

Dying? Simeon? The man who seemed to be doggedly surviving to the end? For what?

…Wait. Could this be a trap? Could he be trying to call me back and lock me in a cage this time. Maybe he’s trying to cut off my two wings, take away my voice, and turn me into a canary that stays quietly by his side.

Even in the presence of a crying person, my suspicion is frighteningly present. I tried to push Raphael away, but I was met with desperate, pleading eyes.

A face that looked like it could cry at any moment, a face that resembled Heo-sang of my childhood, praying for my life.

“Hyung. Please help me.”

Help him do what? What can I do?

If I go back to his side like this, whatever I did to stay away will be for naught. There’s really no turning back this time. I knew in my gut that I could never leave him again, not of my own volition. It’s a freedom I’ve earned, Heo-sang’s future I’ve earned, and I can ruin it with my own hands.

But what if…… he dies?

What would I have done all my life?

I left the letter, sneaked away at dawn, survived the fire, changed my face, and lived a quiet life, throwing away all memories of the past. After the reunion, I managed to cut myself off from him, even if it meant killing myself.

Yes. I did all of this for Simeon. So that he could outlive me by even one day, to live a life of loving someone without guilt, to be loved. I tried to get away with hurting myself, hurting him, and involving an unrelated person.

But it was really Simeon. ……What if Heo-sang dies?