CH 40

40 – Sure (1)

[Physis's POV]

I opened my eyes. it was too vivid to be only a dream that I had because I was drunk and felt dirty.

What it said kept repeating over and over in my head.

[You don’t know what she likes or what makes her happy, none of it… ...You didn’t even try to find out.]

It was bitter, but it was true.

On the subject of wishing her well, I knew nothing about her. It wasn’t just that; I didn't even tell her about myself or how I felt. I just skipped over it and matched her words with a good attitude.

Of course, that alone could have eased Adilun’s heart to some extent. but… …None of the essential problems had been resolved, and she could not help but feel anxious.

After knowing what the problem was, I could see why she had been anxious and reluctant to see me lately.

'Adilun has yet to gain confidence in me.'

When I thought of the violence I had shown and the insults I had spoken directly to her… … It would be strange to be convinced so easily.

Suddenly, my eyes widened, and I was lost in thought.

Unanswered questions kept circling my head, and I lost confidence in myself.

'Why did I want her to be happy in the first place? Is it simply because of guilt?'

'If I tell the truth, will Ailun accept it?'

'Will the uneasiness in her mind disappear just because the promised time has passed?'

To the questions that had arisen, I tried to answer myself.

'Why did I wish her happiness?'

It was because she was shining brighter than anyone else in the novel I had read, and she was pursuing the goal I was pursuing.

I knew that I had lived a life of shame.

I treated many people harshly, and my past life, which I took for granted, would not be justified.

Even so… … I tried to change, or at least tried to do good. I had nothing to say if one called it hypocrisy, but at least I was proud of myself. At least, it was better than inaction and crying out for good.

From my point of view, Adilun was the most ideal figure.

Even though she was ostracized and hated, she stepped forward in every crisis and saved even those who insulted her.

I hoped that such a person would be happy. Even if it was simply a just a character in a novel, if there was a world where she lived, I hoped that she would be happy.

But in reality, she wasn’t happy. My existence made her unhappy, and it made her suffer.

The guilt I felt there made me move for her.

But… … That guilt began to change little by little. 

Watching her scream that she considers herself miserable because of me, and seeing her rejoice that I care for her, not just because of guilt, but as a human being, I wanted to help her.

She was no longer the virtuous and flawless Adilun of the novel I knew, but she was just an ordinary person in need of help and care.

As soon as one thought was organized, the next question ran through my head.

'Even if I tell the truth… … Will Adilun accept that sincerity?'

And in such a state, just because the promised time has passed, will the anxiety that had settled inside her be relieved?

She probably won’t accept it right now. Because right now she had no confidence in me.

Even conversation was difficult, and there was little chance of me expressing my feelings. Because she distrusted me.

'But if I continue to care for Adilun… … Gradually, she too will become convinced.'

She will become certain that I'll there for her.

Yes. There was no need to rush. Because in order to earn people’s trust, the action was always a prerequisite.

If I kept quiet about what I had to do… … Adilun will believe in me someday.

After I finished organizing my thoughts, my head became clear, and I was able to have confidence in what actions I should take.

It was an unpleasant encounter, but the conversation with my dream fragment definitely made it possible to sort out the many unorganized thoughts I had.

'If we meet next time, I will have to thank you.'

* * *

[Adilun's POV]

'Again, that dream.'

I wiped the tears from my eyes, and before I knew it, I realized that the day was bright again.

'It can’t go on like this.'

'I can’t be suspicious of Physis forever. I can't always be afraid that he’ll suddenly change his attitude.'

'...Then. What should I do?'

Just yesterday, Physis said today he was going back to Ortaire.

I wanted to know what he had in mind and what he was thinking of me.

That way, the anxiety remaining in my heart would be relieved. Only when I get rid of this anxiety...

'I Will be able to focus on my work.'

So I had to meet and talk before Physis leaves for Ortaire. At least now he was not ignoring me or something right now… 

'Yes …I'm going to have a conversation.'

After thinking like that, I washed my body thoroughly, and after finishing all the preparations, I headed to the room where Physis was staying.

However, even when I gently knocked on the door, he did not hear my presence.

'Where did you go?'

Just in case, I asked the maids nearby, and they said that as soon as Physis woke up, he went straight to the gymnasium. Upon hearing that, I immediately moved to the gymnasium.

.

.

.

He was punching lightly in the middle of the gymnasium. However, I didn’t miss the airflow of mana coming out of that light punch.

-Bang!

Suddenly, the sound of something exploding in the air was heard, and the area around where his fist struck was distorted.

'How the hell did he do something like that?'

'No, this is not important.'

“Good morning. Adilun.”

“Yes. Good morning. Did I disturb your training?”

“Nope. I was just organizing my thoughts.”

“May I ask what you were thinking?”

“Just… … No big deal. I have been thinking about what to do next for a while.”

“Did you find the answer?”

He nodded at my question. Looking at his somewhat relieved expression, it seemed that he was not lying about finding the answer.

“By the way, why did Adilun come to see me?”

“For a moment… … I want to talk a little bit.”

As if Physis noticed something about my words, he asked and then waited for my words with serious eyes.

“You know, I've been acting weird lately, right?”

“Yes. I know. And I was worried too. Because I couldn’t figure out why. I really wanted to talk to you about why are you so anxious? Why do you shake when you see me… … I wanted to know.”

He also knew all too well about my condition.

I got straight to the point.

“Where should I start talking? The beginning… … It was during the jousting when you were savagely ramming Alan Aiden.”

“You mean the tournament?”

“Yes.”

“Why… …?”

He was sincerely puzzled. I could understand him. Alan Aiden was the one who insulted me. It was only natural to beat such a person like that.

“I saw your eyes back then. That’s… … It was the same eyes you had back then when you hated me.”

“… …”

“From then on, I started to get anxious. What if your change was just my illusion? What if you were actually thinking about me the way you used to? What if the change you have now is simply an act to change the situation around you?”

“…”

“The tail-to-tail questions continued to unnerve me. right now… … Even just yesterday, I had been determined to believe in you, but that resolve began to waver. Because I’ve never heard your thoughts.”

I continued talking, and he continued to listen to me without saying anything.

“And from then on, I had a dream.”

“Dream… …What do you mean?”

When I said that I had a dream, he put on a puzzled expression.

“Yes. I showed you my favorite landscapes and told you about my favorite things. By the way… …It was a dream in which you laugh bitterly at it.”

“Then… ....”

“The anxiety gradually amplified, and everything about you started to become suspicious. But I couldn’t even tell you my doubts directly. because… …I’m afraid you’ll quit acting and treat me like you used to.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Even if you say it can’t be, I’m probably still anxious. The anxiety inherent in me did not build up overnight. So, Physis. I want to be sure that you have changed and that you don’t hate me anymore.”

When I hurriedly shook my head, he looked at me and said firmly.

“… … What can I do?”

“You said you were leaving today.”

“Yes.”

“Please don’t leave. Don’t leave… …Show me how you normally are and what kind of person you are during the time I promised you. Can you please do that?”

“If you wish, I am willing to.”

At his answer, I felt the anxiety that had been nestled within me pushed away a little.