CH 84

Chapter 84: The Choice is Yours

If you read this on other websites, it means it was stolen. Read the translation only on itsladygrey.wordpress.com.

“I don’t want to feed you anymore, okay.”

“I guess I shouldn’t have said that last time.”

I wanted to pretend to not notice Sigren’s murmuring, but he then kissed the back of my hand. Chicken instead of pheasant, hand instead of lips. I couldn’t help but realize that Sigren liked to touch me. And this made me contemplate how far I could allow him to touch me. Would it be a bit too much if I allowed him to go all the way? Or would it be better to just let him go all out? Well, it was not that I was too concerned about my sense of virtue or shyness anyway. 

‘We’re lovers, so I think there should be no problems.’

I honestly didn’t really care much about us sleeping together, as long as we were using contraception. Rather, I was worried about Sigren’s notion of chastity. He was the male lead, sleeping with another woman besides the female lead was a bit…was it okay? Oh well, in real life, this concern was unnecessary, and even I felt like this concern was nonexistent, but this was a romance novel world. I could not completely give up matching Sigren and Eunice.

I knew that I kept separating my ‘reality’ from this world. It was just that if the safe space I created for my mental health crumbled, I wouldn’t know what to rely on for my weakened heart. I still haven’t found an answer. I was just afraid I would have PTSD symptoms later on. Because the onset of mental health issues is usually sudden. Moreover, I didn’t have the confidence that I would be able to make Sigren happy. I was not that great of a person, and Sigren had to be happy for the time he suffered. As I promised in the past. 

I looked seriously at Sigren.

“Sigren.”

“What?”

“Actually, my future plan until recently was to see you get married, and I live a peaceful retirement life.”

“We can have it in the future.”

Well, that was true, but…Sigren pulled me in. Then a low voice rang in my ear. 

“Why are you talking about this all of a sudden?”

Of course, I wanted to say ‘Well, I know a girl who is pretty and kind and would make you happier than I could.’ But I knew very well that if I had said anything like that, he was going to flip out. It was not a kind of matter that needed extraordinary skills to understand. 

In the end, I leaned my head against his chest and hugged him. I could feel the muscles underneath his clothes. It was hard. Honestly, this didn’t feel bad.

“….”

In the past, even if I just touched his hand, he used to be picky. This time, was he really going to be quiet? Ah, I was a little sad.

Sigren ruffled my hair again.

“You like my hair that much? It tangles easily though.”

“Uh-huh. It’s soft and pretty. I can’t stop remembering how softly it spread when you fell asleep on the edge of the bed.”

Not lying in bed, but lying my face down? I pondered whether such a thing had ever happened.

Sigren continued, “At that time, I thought it was like a spider web.”

….Was that a compliment?

When I looked up at him with a strange expression, he smiled.

“It was like it was dragging me out of hell.”

I..also couldn’t remember when that was. 

Lying on the edge of the bed meant sitting next to the bed. Did that happen?

“When?”

“Well,”

Saying that, Sigren gently grabbed my hair and brushed it to one side. As a result, the nape of my neck was exposed. The wind on the terrace was quite chilly. Sigren bowed his head. I didn’t really care what he did, until then. Chu~, I felt a soft touch on the nape of my neck, his tongue was languid and gently brushed my skin. 

Subconsciously, I put strength into my hands that were wrapped around Sigren’s back. 

Ah, clothes would be wrinkled. 

Then I felt a slight tingling sensation in my throat.

“Ah.”

I inadvertently pushed Sigren away. Even though he was actually strong enough to not be pushed, he was gently pushed back. It was a very submissive attitude for someone who said touching me reminded him of this and that. 

“I’m sorry, I won’t do that if you don’t like it.”

I opened my mouth bewildered.

“No, not that…”

Why did I do that? Didn’t I think it was fine?

He placed his hand on the side of my neck he had just bitten. 

I felt my pulse flutter. It was not sickness. It also wasn’t the feeling of rejection for what he did. Didn’t I also think ‘this kind of skinship was okay’ just a few seconds ago?

‘But he actually did it.’

“Ehmm…”

How could I explain this? But Sigren seemed to have interpreted my reaction differently. He even had his hand behind his back, as if to prove that he wouldn’t touch me. 

“Fiona, I won’t do that if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not like that.”

What did I just think? Sleeping together did not really matter? Hah, as expected, it seemed like if I kept this relationship for a long time, I felt like the lingering feelings would appear. This self-confidence in talking about this matter without experiencing it firsthand was too baseless.

‘No, it’s okay.’

It was kind of funny that I was so agitated. In the end, even though I knew it was unfair, I sulked while looking at Sigren. It was a transfer of responsibility.

He looked restless. 

When I saw him, I felt strange again. Was he that weak to me? Did he flop around like fish freshly caught like this in the past? The image of Sigren in my mind in the past now felt similar to him now. He’d really been showing his feelings to me. My heart couldn’t help but to ache. 

‘I hate myself for being weak.’

“Fiona…”

It was him who broke the silence. 

“Sigren, maybe it’s impossible to go all the way with you. See you later.”

I left the terrace without checking his expression. It was a selfish attitude when you think about it. 

‘Ah, he must be tired.’

I thought as I strode forward. 

If Sigren got tired of me, I felt like I might be at ease. Then, slowly, we could break up and go back to our old relationship.