CH 140

“Resentment,” he muttered in response to a question I had asked. I honestly looked forward to his answer. However, he grinned, amused by my question. He asked me what I would gain from backing myself into a corner. I asked him the question, but what came in return was interest and curiosity about me. He seemed to wonder what I was feeling at the end of my long and arduous self-reproach.

He was kind to me. As such, he calmly answered my question before trying to fulfill his own curiosity. He was sincere.

“How could I ever hate you? I thought you were poor, pitiful, and plaintive… so I felt sorry for you, I pitied you, and I wanted to do anything I could for you. I remember the day when you smiled at me for the first time. I wanted to see that face so much. When you smiled because of me, you were more endearing, cute, and prettier than I had ever imagined. My heart made a loud thump. I wanted to be the only one to see you.” He looked quite happy as he whispered his feelings to me. Then, his smile suddenly turned wry. He perceived what I was thinking about. He rubbed at the crease between my brow and mumbled, “Perhaps because what I had wished for was fulfilled, the joy from that made me reach love before I could start to resent you. I think that whatever the method, I had already fallen for you, so it’s pointless to debate about it logically. If you still don’t understand, you can ask all you want. I can always confirm for you.”

His finger on my brow felt like it was crawling over my brain, rather than touching my skin. He looked me directly in my eyes and smiled. “I love you a lot. It can’t be anybody but you.”

His tender voice mercilessly made a mess of my head. All thinking ceased. I merely swallowed and bit my lips. I felt the onset of a headache. The conversation had to end there. Even if we continued, I would only be swept up by him and wouldn’t be able to find a better way for myself.

How did we end up like this?

Thinking back, everything that happened was all my fault. Toxic emotions accumulated within me. They transformed into a horrible nightmare, suffocating me. Every stifling moment was like when I had lost my grandmother. However, I couldn’t act immaturely like back then.

I was childish then. If I sang, ghosts would gather, and bad things would happen. Even so, after losing my grandmother, I would recklessly go around singing, without thinking of the consequences. I was the only weirdo in this world, all the people I cared for died, and I felt inflamed in daily life, so I wouldn’t feel sorry for myself even if I died the next day.

Fortunately, unlike other people, there was an easy method for me to harm myself—singing, singing, and singing. And eventually, singing sent me Yeonseon.

When I first saw Yeonseon, he was quite average. He seemed nervous because the hand that I shook was cold, and when our eyes met, he grinned wordlessly. He was just a handsome man around my age. He complimented my singing, and I automatically thanked him. I also told him he was good at singing too.

I recalled the face Yeonseon made when he told me about his dream. He looked thrilled. He sounded bright. No matter how I behaved, he always put me first. I remembered all the reasons why I came to love his abnormal points.

What should I do?

The mansion that was the foundation of my existence was gone. My current state was like being exiled alone in a far place after losing my hometown. Even if my exile was lifted, I had nowhere to return to. That was probably why he burned the mansion down. One reason was to get rid of the evidence, but that was merely an excuse—the biggest reason was probably to isolate me.

That possibility came to mind suddenly.

Even if that were the case, toward him, I…