CH 36

36 – It’s Not Too Late to Admit Your Mistakes After You’ve Pursued

Translator: tamago

After sending “goodnight”, Fang Mo couldn’t fall asleep.

Ever since then, his heart has been distracted and his thoughts have been in turmoil over the same person time and time again, making him unable to sleep. This time, he couldn’t even toss and turn, so he could only lie stiffly in a daze.

Fang Mo was a bit delicate and was scared of pain. His ankle was still swollen so he didn’t dare to move.

Fortunately, the swelling was not severe, and the popsicle that Xu Xiran bought in time was very useful. It was only that only after a few hours, all of it had melted. He didn’t dare to mention this to Xu Xiran, for fear that he would get worried and would want to sneak out to buy some more, which was not necessary.

But when Xu Xiran asked him if it hurt, he immediately admitted it. Because it really did hurt. When the person who asked him was the person he liked, he couldn’t help but truthfully complain. 

Xu Xiran was too good to him. The more gentle he was, the more Fang Mo couldn’t help but want to rely on him. But at the same time, he felt a sense of guilt constantly growing in a corner of his heart.

Fang Mo wanted to call Zou Shun to talk, but it was inconvenient since everyone was in the dormitory. In addition to the two who were already lying in bed, there was another roommate who was still rapidly typing on a document in front of the computer. Whatever he said now would be heard by everyone.

After dazing off for a while, he suddenly heard a knock on the door.

The sound was not loud, but on a quiet night, it was still abrupt. The roommate who hadn’t gone to bed yet got up and opened the door, and then Fang Mo heard Xu Xiran’s voice.

He immediately stretched his neck to look, but it was unfortunate that he painfully pulled his ankle, so he couldn’t see anything clearly. The door was only half open, and the person outside was blocked by the view. Not only could he not see clearly, but the sound of his voice was also fuzzy and he couldn’t hear clearly either.

His roommate quietly said some things to Xu Xiran, then headed back into the room alone and closed the door. Xu Xiran didn’t come in, he headed back.

“What is it?” Fang Mo hurriedly asked in a low voice.

His roommate walked to his bedside and handed him a box, “You’re still awake?”

Fang Mo reached out to take the box, and saw that it was a box of cooling stickers1.

“Your person specifically asked for someone to get these for you,” said the roommate as he walked back to his table, “He said he didn’t know if they would work or not, but he insisted you to try them.”

Fang Mo stared blankly at the box of cooling stickers, which had already been opened and had somewhat of an old packaging, and suddenly the rims of his eyes began to feel hot.

He sniffled hard, and just as he sat up to tear off a sticker to put on, he found someone watching him from not far away. It was Liu Xiaochang, who was on the bed diagonally opposite from him.

Seeing Fang Mo looking over, Liu Xiaochang smiled at him, and then looked away and let out an exaggerated sigh.

The roommate above Liu Xiaochang’s bunk was also not asleep, and after hearing movement, he asked, “Have you come to realize a philosophy of life, Liu Xiong2?”

“No, but I feel a little emotional,” Liu Xiaochang said.

His upper bunkmate was very cooperative, and asked, “What kind of emotion? Can I hear it?”

Liu Xiaochang let out a long sigh, “I also want to fall in love!”

As soon as the words dropped, the originally quiet dormitory suddenly burst into excitement. One of the two brothers zealously agreed, while the other disagreed.

The person who agreed said that although he was straight, seeing Fang Mo’s partner being so sweet and passionate made him really envious, and made him want to quickly find a girlfriend so that he could also have someone who would care for and take care of him, and that he could eat fewer bites of other people’s dog food3.

The one who disagreed actually had a girlfriend. He said, there are a lot of difficulties in dating, and especially if you are to find a girl, she couldn’t possibly spoil you like how the man upstairs spoils Fang Mo, it’s actually the other way around. If you want to be a pampered flower, then I suggest you find a boyfriend.

Afterwards, they started making nasty jokes, calling each other as their husband, and making everyone promise to spoil each other for the rest of their lives. In the end, the conflicting views could not be compromised and the negotiations broke down, but they came to a unified point of view: it would definitely not be difficult for someone like Liu Xiaochang to find a boyfriend, and they are really envious of him.

Liu Xiaochang lay in bed and awkwardly laughed, “Hehe, hehehehehe.”

Fang Mo remained silent the whole time.

The misunderstanding from these people has already been deeply rooted. In the past few days, he had tried to explain many times, and even saw that the other two brothers were about to believe him, until the things today happened. Now, he was afraid that whatever else he could say would no longer work.

Unlike Zou Shun, Fang Mo has never thought of publicly coming out before. As for now, if he and Xu Xiran really were a couple, and if Xu Xiran had this idea, he probably wouldn’t object. But unfortunately, they were not.

His two roommates were good people, and not at all did they show obvious rejection of him because of this. But there was no guarantee that other people with this misunderstanding would wear the same rose-colored glasses. Those people might point their fingers at Xu Xiran.

Fang Mo thought to himself that he probably liked Xu Xiran too much that he felt more and more unable to tolerate causing more trouble for him.

The most contradicting thing for him was that while he blamed himself, he still couldn’t keep down the secret bit of joy deep in his heart. If someone was seen as a lover with the person they liked, who wouldn’t be happy?

It was a pity that this kind of happiness was only based on a fantasy.

Xu Xiran had said too many ambiguous things to him already, but he said them in a magnanimous manner. Just like the way how Fang Mo’s two roommates joked around, he had no demons in his heart, so he was able to act so nonchalant and carefree.

It was torture to have the person that you treasure, long for, and greatly desire, who was seen by the whole world as belonging to you, to just be within reach, an inch away from your fingertips, and yet unobtainable when you try and reach further.

~

“I think it’s because you have some discomfort in your body that as a chain reaction, you’re grieving over spring and mourning for autumn4,” Zou Shun sat by his bed and patted him on his shoulder to comfort him, “Life is too short to not enjoy the present while you can, why think so much?” 

Fang Mo sighed quietly and did not reply.

He originally had class today, but since the classroom was too far away and he had to climb five flights of stairs, he might as well call in absent. Xu Xiran had classes all day, and before he left in the morning, he specifically came over to check on him. Only when he confirmed that the swelling of his ankle has subsided a good amount, did he feel reassured to leave.

Zou Shun had nothing to do, so he came to bring him lunch.

No one else was in the dormitory so he didn’t have to hold back, “It’s not like you just found out today that this man is hard to pursue, right? At least now, he is very close to you, and everyone can see how much he values you. Isn’t that significant progress? Or is there something about him that you can’t stand?”

“No,” Fang Mo had a mournful expression, “He’s very good, too good, that it’s too much. It makes me feel…”

“Feel what?”

“Like I’m not worthy enough,” Fang Mo said.

“Hah?” Zou Shun was shocked, “Wait, wait, did you also hit your head when you fell yesterday?”

“I’m serious!” Fang Mo was dissatisfied.

“You’re kidding me,” Zou Shun said with disbelief on his face, “I’m not exaggerating when I say that you’re probably the person with the best self-esteem that I know. Tell me now, why do you think you’re not good enough?”

What Zou Shun said was not wrong. Fang Mo has always been full of self-confidence, and believed that he was the most handsome on heaven and earth. Not only did he think he was outstandingly attractive and witty, but he also felt he exuded charm from the inside out. Even now, he still felt that when he stood next to Xu Xiran, the two of them were an incomparable match.

When he said he didn’t feel worthy, he had a different meaning in mind.

“He believes me too much, and thinks too highly of me,” said Fang Mo, “but I’ve lied too much to him.”

“Eh…” Zou Shun had somewhat of an awkward expression, “There is no need to give yourself this kind of a burden.”

“You know, someone told him I was gay and said they found me on a gay dating app, and after he knew about this, he came to remind me to be careful of getting my information stolen. He really didn’t even suspect me at all,” Fang Mo lowered his head, “I was relieved, but I couldn’t feel happy.”

Zou Shun thought for a while, then asked, “Then, there are two simple options right now. Number one, continue chasing him, and number two, give up. Which one do you choose?”

Fang Mo was taken aback.

“Quickly choose one, and then don’t think about it after,” Zou Shun said with a serious face, but the next thing he said instantly had poor taste, “If you want to chase, then chase him seriously. Rather than wallowing in your own meaningless self-criticism, you might as well wait until you’ve already gotten him, and then kneel down and admit your mistakes in an apology. Then you’re good, he’s good, everyone’s good.”

Fang Mo was shocked, and his face quickly turned red.

“Does that make sense,” Zou Shun said his question as a declarative sentence.

Fang Mo swallowed, and looked away, “It seems… it seems to be the case.”

~

The two chatted for a bit more, and then someone returned back.

As soon as Liu Xiaochang entered, he immediately showed a surprised expression. Zou Shun didn’t see him, so he took the initiative to say hello to him.

“Liu Xiaochang, right? Momo has mentioned you before,” he said with an insincere smile, “Nice to meet you.”

Liu Xiaochang walked up to them and reached out his hand, “Hello?”

Zou Shun raised his hand, but only to pat away Liu Xiaochang’s hand with the back of his hand, then said, “You’re not my type.”

Liu Xiaochang was startled, and after being stunned for a moment, he finally reacted, showing an embarrassed and somewhat self-deprecating smile, “That was rather direct.”

Zou Shun grinned at him, then turned around, sat down, and continued chatting with Fang Mo.

Fang Mo subconsciously took a glance. Today Zou Shun was wearing a unique pair of pants, with the pant legs loose, long, and not rolled up like usual, even covering half his shoes.

After all, now that there were other people around, it was no longer convenient to talk about private matters. Zou Shun stayed for a while, then left.

Only Fang Mo and Liu Xiaochang were left in the dormitory, and the atmosphere became heavy.

Fang Mo still didn’t like this person very much. But yesterday, he helped a lot as soon as he saw his sprained ankle, so Fang Mo was naturally embarrassed to purposely show him face.

Of course, he still wouldn’t take the initiative to talk to him.

The two stayed in their own space and did their own things. A while after this peaceful harmony, Liu Xiaochang deliberately cleared his throat.

Fang Mo looked up at him.

Liu Xiaochang clearly hesitated for a while, and then said, “A moment ago, I… saw your boyfriend.”

Fang Mo’s heart trembled a bit. Before wondering what Liu Xiaochang wanted to say, he repeated the words “your boyfriend” several times, with a feeling of happiness in his heart.

“…with a girl,” Liu Xiaochang continued.

Fang Mo, who was originally smiling, instantly frowned, “What do you mean?”

Liu Xiaochang had an awkward expression, “They looked… quite intimate.”

Fang Mo didn’t respond. The dormitory was quiet, and he and Liu Xiaochang looked at each other with unnatural expressions.

“Why are you telling me this?” Fang Mo asked.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to hear it,” Liu Xiaochang sighed, turned around, and faced away from him.

“Wait,” Fang Mo asked, “Were they very intimate?”

“In any case… it wasn’t the normal distance between a girl and a guy,” Liu Xiaochang said.

Fang Mo quickly filtered through his mind, and in his memory, there were no girls around Xu Xiran who seemed overly close with him. However, there was a boy who looked like a girl.

Fang Mo then asked, “What did the girl look like?”

“She had long hair,” Liu Xiaochang showed an indescribable expression, and reached out his hand to gesture on his chest, “Here, it’s simply astonishing.”

“……”

“She was smiling and holding your boyfriend’s arm, and rubbing against him on purpose,” Liu Xiaochang said with an expression like he couldn’t bear remembering the past, “It shook and shook so much that when I saw, I almost fainted.”

Cooling stickers to stick on your forehead when you have a fever like these 

Brother as in “my good brother”

When couples show PDA in front of single people

A saying from a poem by Li Yishan that means grieving over the passing of spring or feeling sad with the coming of autumn