CH 58

Xu Xiran had a fever again.

That night, after entering sage time, he lay in bed dazed for a long time, then went to the bathroom to wash his face. Once he finished, he still felt that his brain was a mess and couldn’t calm down, so he just buried his whole head under the faucet to rinse.

Then, he sat on the toilet and quietly thought about his life, until there was light in the sky and his wet hair was naturally dried by his body temperature.

Once he finally crawled back into bed, and then woke up, his body was as heavy as if he had been embedded in cement. He had a splitting headache, was dizzy all over, and his temples were twitching.

His phone was placed next to his pillow, but because he was too flustered last night and forgot to charge, it had automatically shut down.

With his eyes closed, Xu Xiran reached out and felt around for a long time on the bedside cabinet, until he finally found the charger. After successfully booting up his phone, he found that it was already the afternoon. He had already slept through all the classes that he had to attend today.

When his body was unwell, his mood became low and his body became sluggish. Xu Xiran’s weak brain was working hard and slowly, and after thinking for a while, he finally remembered what class he had missed, and then he began to recall what kind of people the teachers were, and whether he should say anything to them.

Halfway through his thought, a lot of new messages flooded in.

More than one classmate sent him bad news, telling him that the teacher gave them a quiz on a whim today. This was undoubtedly bad news. Xu Xiran has always been a good student, and was rarely absent from class, with almost full attendance. He was rarely absent due to being sick, and it was really unlucky for him to encounter such a thing.

He was lying in bed, squinting his eyes and looking at the screen of his phone, but he had no brain to think about how to save this tragedy.

His attention was completely diverted by another message.

[“You want to have lunch together?”]

These six simple words had an ordinary meaning, but because the sender was someone special, these words also became special.

This was sent by Fang Mo two and a half hours ago. Xu Xiran didn’t respond at all during this period of time, and he didn’t even ask any more questions.

Why is he like this, Xu Xiran thought.

After hiding from him for so long and finally taking he initiative to find him, why didn’t he pay more attention to him? To not reply to messages for such a long time in broad daylight is so unusual, wouldn’t Fang Mo worry about him? Even if he couldn’t get through the phone, he could’ve just come to take a look since he lived so close.

If he came, he would’ve known he was sick.

Then he can enjoy being under Fang Mo’s care.

Xu Xiran turned off his phone screen, closed his eyes, and then pulled his blanket over his head.

Actually, he shouldn’t come to care for him. What face did he have to face Fang Mo now? He was still thinking about what this person did last night. His head was still dizzy, but whether it was a scene from the dream or the many images after waking up, the memories were still very clear now.

No matter how sluggish he was, he should still know that his feelings for Fang Mo were not right.

Things like caring for, wanting to protect, always thinking about, and being happy to see – these may still classify as qualities of a clingy friendship.

But friendship should not create desire.

He wanted to kiss Fang Mo, to see his disheveled appearance, and to touch every inch of his skin. He wanted to do many, many things to him that would cross the line.

He had indecent thoughts about him.

Xu Xiran slowly opened his eyes under the dark blanket. Suddenly he had a terrible thought.

Would Fang Mo already know?

He behaved so strangely yesterday, and in recalling all his actions now, he was completely overwhelmed by shame. Fang Mo also realized that something was wrong, so that’s why he was indifferent to him.

His heart beat faster with panic.

What do I do? Would he completely lose him because of this? He would no longer always smile at him, give him this much care, secretly prepare small surprises for him, and always be by his side like before.

What do I do?

All anxiety was broken by a knock on the door.

“Xu Xiran, are you there?” Fang Mo’s voice sounded a little muffled but very pleasant through the door, “Are you still sleeping?”

~

“What’s the matter with you!” Fang Mo seemed a little mad, “It hasn’t even been that long, why is your fever back? Yesterday, I asked you if you had a fever and you said you didn’t!”

Because yesterday I really didn’t have a fever yet.

Xu Xiran sat on the edge of the bed with his head down. He wanted to look at him, but he didn’t dare because of his guilt.

“You should either put on your clothes, or lie down and cover yourself with a blanket,” Fang Mo commanded him fiercely, “Do you still think your fever is not severe enough?”

Xu Xiran pursed his lips, moved onto the bed obediently, and pulled his blanket up to tightly cover himself.

The tone of Fang Mo’s voice was completely different from yesterday’s dream, neither sweet nor gentle. This was not a bad thing, it would keep him from letting his imagination run wild.

But when he had this thought, he was already thinking about it.

Fang Mo stood by the bed, bent down slightly, and put his hands on his forehead.

“It doesn’t seem to be as hot as last time…” he said in a low voice, then asked, “Is the thermometer I brought that day still here? Where did you keep it?”

Xu Xiran didn’t answer.

His eyes fell onto Fang Mo’s chest, and a strange image appeared in his mind again. In reality, through his loose coat, it was naturally impossible to see anything strange on the boy’s chest. But Xu Xiran couldn’t help but secretly imagine how the little things would slightly stand up from stimulation, pushing against his clothes in a small arc. As the image became more concrete in his mind, he felt as if his fever was becoming worse.

Seeing that Xu Xiran was silent and dizzy, Fang Mo became more and more worried. He gave up asking him, and opened Xu Xiran’s cabinet to search for it. Fortunately, the thermometer was in the first drawer of the bedside table, so it was easy to find.

Xu Xiran’s fever wasn’t too bad. At least it was much better than last time, at 37.9 degrees.

“Do you want to go to the hospital?” Fang Mo asked for Xu Xiran’s opinion.

“No need,” Xu Xiran turned his head to look to the other side, “I haven’t finished taking my fever-reducing medicine from last time.”

“But…” Fang Mo looked worried.

Two consecutive fevers in a short period of time would inevitably make people overthink.

“There’s really no need,” Xu Xiran said, “I… washed my head in cold water last night, so I caught a cold. If I just drink some hot water and take some medicine, I’ll be fine.”

“…Why did you wash your head with cold water?” Fang Mo wrinkled his face, “I see that your brain has a problem.”

Xu Xiran didn’t deny it, and pulled the blanket up so that only his eyes were exposed, and looked at him carefully.

Fang Mo saw his pitiful gaze and calmed his temper. He sighed and asked, “Then are you hungry? You need to have something in your stomach before taking medicine.”

If Fang Mo didn’t ask, he wouln’t have felt it, but once he mentioned it, Xu Xiran’s stomach felt empty. It was already the afternoon, and he hasn’t had sugar yet all day, so even if he was sick and had a poor appetite, his stomach would still feel uncomfortable.

“A little bit,” he nodded.

Fang Mo reached out his hand, rubbed his hair lightly, and said, “Then I’ll buy you something to eat. Be well-behaved by yourself, okay?”

Xu Xiran felt that his tone and attitude seemed like he was talking to a kindergartener, and felt awkward, and couldn’t help but complain: “You really think that my brain has a problem.”

Fang Mo looked dissatisfied.

“Why are you so normal this time?” he asked.

“Ah?” Xu Xiran was puzzled, “What do you mean?”

“…You weren’t like this when you had a fever last time,” Fang Mo said.

Xu Xiran couldn’t quite remember what he was like when he had a fever last time. After all, when his body temperature was at nearly 40 degrees, his brain was almost boiling, and he had long already been completely muddled.

Seeing his dazed face, Fang Mo sighed, waved his hands, and left.

~

When Fang Mo came back, Xu Xiran had already gotten up and got dressed.

Fang Mo bought instant hot congee at a convenience store in the school. It had already been heated, and was warm in his hands.

When Xu Xiran sat and ate the congee, he leaned forward on the desk beside him and looked at him.

“You didn’t reply to my message, and I couldn’t get my calls through to you. I also couldn’t find you when I went to your class. If it wasn’t for your roommate who told me that you were still asleep when he left, I would have been worried that you were avoiding me on purpose.” Fang Mo looked at him as he spoke, “After thinking about it, I felt that something didn’t seem right with you yesterday, so you must have been sick again.”

Xu Xiran didn’t dare to speak, and forced himself to concentrate on the congee in front of him.

He felt a little uneasy, but at the same time, he felt very happy. Whatever the case, Fang Mo still cared about him in his heart.

“You get sick so easily, it’s like you grew this big for nothing,” Fang Mo said.

Xu Xiran didn’t speak, but covertly raised his eyes to look at him.

In autumn, when the days approach nightfall, the rays of sunlight have a golden color that slant in along the outlines of the window frame, dyeing Fang Mo’s face with a neat, bright color.

From a distance not too close or far from him, Xu Xiran had the illusion that he could clearly see the fine hairs on Fang Mo’s cheeks through that layer of light.

They looked so soft and so alluring.

Xu Xiran then thought about how he had never seen a boy with skin as good as Fang Mo’s, so bright and clear.

He really wanted to touch it.

But he couldn’t.

Xu Xiran looked away, raised his head and drank the rest of his congee.

Fang Mo sat up straight, looked down at the phone: “Okay, you can take your medicine in ten minutes.”

Xu Xiran nodded: “I’ll remember, you can head back first.”

“…What, are you kicking me out?” Fang Mo was not happy, “Let me stay, so in case you feel unwell, I can still help you.”

Xu Xiran thought to himself, you staying here is what’s making me feel unwell.

Fang Mo made his heart beat irregularly, and reminded him of what he did last night. He made him panic and made him feel infinitely inflated with guilt.

“What else would you help with? I’ll be fine after I sweat it out once I sleep,” Xu Xiran said.

Fang Mo said nothing. He frowned, didn’t look at him, pursed his lips and filled his cheeks with air, and then swallowed.

Xu Xiran felt that this was too much. It must be because this person was always doing these particularly cute gestures, which led him astray on this path.

Zou Shun had said before that Fang Mo was a straight male killer. Xu Xiran could testify this; he was not wrong at all. But this killer only cared about killing and not burying, with no explanation at all.

“My fever is not too bad,” Xu Xiran tried to persuade him to go back, “I can’t rest well with someone around.”

Fang Mo snorted.

“Whatever you want,” he said, standing up, “then I’ll leave.”

Xu Xiran watched him slowly move all the way to the door of the dormitory, and suddenly felt very reluctant. Even if his fever was not high, people are inevitably vulnerable when they are sick, and they would prefer if the person they like could be with them.

Yes, the person he likes.

Xu Xiran looked at his back, and said to himself again and again, the person he likes.

Fang Mo suddenly turned his head.

“You really don’t want me to accompany you?” He asked.

Xu Xiran opened his mouth. Under his seemingly calm appearance, the two options in his mind had already been debated three hundred times.

“You really don’t?” Fang Mo asked again.

“…If you want to stay, you can stay,” Xu Xiran said. 

Fang Mo immediately smiled at him: “Let me first go down and bring my laptop, wait for me.”

~

After taking the medicine, Xu Xiran lay in bed in a dazed state. Looking at Fang Mo’s back and listening to the crackling typing in his ears, he gradually became sleepy, but he couldn’t bear to sleep.

“Fang Mo,” he whispered.

Fang Mo, who was busy with homework, immediately turned around after hearing those words: “What is it?”

“Why are you so good to me?” he asked.

Fang Mo was taken aback.

“Why?” he asked again.

“…I am just a caring, loyal person,” Fang Mo said.

“Would you be this good to Zou Shun?” Xu Xiran asked again.

Fang Mo laughed out loud when he heard the words: “He doesn’t need me to be good to him right now. He is so happy, he doesn’t even bother to talk to me anymore.”

“Oh,” Xu Xiran said, “you treat me well only when he doesn’t give you attention.”

Fang Mo turned his whole body around: “What’s with you, you suddenly become like an old lady when you’re sick.”

Because I am a different kind of sick, Xu Xiran thought.

Maybe it was incurable.

He persisted and asked a third time: “So why are you being so good to me?”

“Because…” Fang Mo lowered his head, raised his hand and scratched his chin, with his cheeks were faintly red, “We… we are good brothers.”

Xu Xiran remained silent.

“Are you touched?” Fang Mo asked him.

“Mn,” Xu Xiran nodded, “I’m touched.”

In addition to feeling touched, he also felt lost.

Fang Mo was a really good person. Now that he had such thoughts, he simply felt that he didn’t deserve to be valued by him this much.