Chapter 188 - You're My Present

An author named Colin Wright once said, "Unanswered questions aren't threats; they're challenges and catalysts."

Having said that we can't deny the fact that every unanswered question feels like a threat rather than a challenge. Mostly when that answer could define your feelings. Because it leaves a doubt within our hearts that doesn't go away unless we hear the definite answer. We also can't deny that it's that threat part that allows us to challenge ourselves to find the right pieces of the puzzles. 

At the moment, that threat was the feeling Xiu felt when Darren chose to avoid her question by saying that she needed to stop overthinking. But Xiu couldn't do that. She might not have been the jealous type in her previous life but with him, she really knew what jealousy really felt like. It wasn't that she couldn't tell Darren really had feelings for her. Even though he often made her giddy like a teenager but she was, in fact, a mature woman. She was more practical than anyone around her. She might do dumb things but she never read people wrong after her rebirth.

Yet the feelings she saw in his eyes when asked if he missed his first love were... Disturbing? Threatening? No matter what she could tell that those feelings were intense enough to make her feel insecure. But since all she felt was insecure as Chen Xiu, she quickly shook her head to get those thoughts out of her head.

However, she forgot that her head was lying on Darren's chest while she cuddled up to him and was only reminded when she heard his voice, "Don't tell me you're still thinking."

Xiu pursed her lips and sheepishly replied, "I'm not."

Darren, however, didn't believe her at all and while running his fingers through her hair said, "You don't have to keep it in like this. Just tell me what's on your mind. Huh? No keeping secrets, remember? You made that rule."

Xiu drew circles on his chest with her pointer finger and contemplated for a bit before asking, "You said your first love went far away. And since I have a lot of time to overthink about weird stuff, I was wondering... Where did she go?"

Darren's fingers running through her hair took a pause of half a second or so but Xiu noticed this change because of her over-sensitive feelings. She even felt the way his heartbeat changed when he replied, "She's gone to a faraway land."

"Which faraway land?" asked Xiu with creased brows.

"Mmmm... Dreamland?" answered Darren with a playful tone which sounded rather sad than playful and even tried to laugh it off when Xiu hit his chest and sat up to stare at him with narrowed eyes as if to say, 'It wasn't funny.' Noticing her expression, Darren rubbed his forehead with his index finger and pulled her down in his arms again as he replied, "If her thought is making you feel insecure than I can assure you that she won't come back."

"Why not?" asked Xiu in curiosity.

Darren took a long sigh and replied, "Because when I said she's gone to dreamland. I wasn't lying or joking. She's gone to somewhere with no return ticket. She's... Dead."

"What?" Xiu tilted her head up to look at his face in the dimly lit room.

A corner of Darren's lips lifted up slightly in a sad smile as he said, "She died years ago. It was unexpected. At least, it was for me since I always thought she'd be there shining like the brightest star in the sky. Annoying but brightest, nonetheless. But I must have forgotten that even stars end up losing their light." He patted her head and added, "That's why I said that you don't have to think about her."

Xiu didn't know whether she was supposed to be glad about the fact that his first love wasn't around or sad. In her opinion, competing with memory was difficult than competing with a living person. After all, people tend to change but memories don't. Memories stay the same to haunt us for life.

His answer got her overthinking process even more complicated as she blurted out unconsciously, "So, you really do miss her."

Darren felt her saddened aura and kissed the top of her head as he said, "Sweets, I won't say I don't miss her. Because I do. I don't want us to have any secrets and that's why I want you to know that I do miss her at times especially when I look up at the starry nights. As I said, she was really a star. Perhaps, that's why I'm so attached to the night sky. But mostly I miss her because I'm afraid if I won't miss her then no one will be left to remember her with good memories."

Xiu didn't know why but her eyes teared up at his words. Those words hit a chord that really got her wishing... For the possibility of a single soul who could miss Chen Xiu like he missed his first love. It really made her envy a dead person. How ironic that she was envious of her own self.

"Now can we stop talking about this topic?" he added when he noticed her silence. "The reason why I don't want you to think about it because she might be the past I can't forget, she still can't fight with my present which happens to be you. As for why I don't talk about my past is not that I'm ashamed of it or regret it. I just find it too... Sad and I don't want its shadows to reach our present. Can you understand what I'm trying to say?"

Without realizing it when he called her as his present, she ended up with a goofy smile on her face and snuggled her face in the crook of his neck. He taught her something new once again. The lesson she learned today was that... You didn't have to erase or tore apart the page of life that contained your past life, you just have to turn to the next page. 

A painter can't possibly erase his entire painting to make a new one, he just needs to pick up a new canvas. Just like that life didn't ask anyone to forget the past, life just offered us the pages called, 'present.' Similarly, who said you had to forget the past love to love a new person? Love never had rules, to begin with. Then how come we always try to forget someone just to overcome the past?