Chapter 321

Episode 321: If Only (7)

“If I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have experienced it...”

I thought as calmly as I could, ignoring the overflowing emotions. It was a message to the Archmage and a shout to me.

“How could I do that?”

Let’s not complain about something that no one wanted but had to happen.

If you look at the starting point of all of this, there is ultimately my concept play and the lingering regret that has remained so deep in the game that it makes me cringe. Instead of calling them sins, let’s just say it was all just an incident.

If inevitable misunderstandings were ultimately sins, they would also be wrong, so let’s just nullify them.

Even the sins I committed with that concept, the things I lost, and the fact that I still deceived you all... let’s just move on under the pretense that we couldn’t help it.

Please let’s do it like that.

“How can I...”

I whispered quietly, seeing the emotions that came after such a compromise.

You can’t be caught up in resentment. Don’t let yourself be held back by resentment that can’t be resolved. Otherwise, you might repeat those days when it was more acrid and poisonous than cigarette smoke.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by emotions that I ignored, I reflect on those facts and my heart calms down again. I swallowed my sadness once again. Maybe it was.

“I always regretted it. Why didn’t I hug that person back then? “It wasn’t difficult to lend a hand, so why didn’t I do that?”

But before I could repeat that I was okay, a warm feeling grabbed my hand. It was a warmth that I never wanted to shake off.

“I think I know the answer now that I’m older.”

As it was, it pulled me in. The intention was clear.

“We were just being too rational. Sometimes it was good to be emotional. “It was okay to just cry, blame, resent, and forgive while abandoning logic and evidence, but at that time, I just thought that being rational was the best.”

Should I push it out? Or should I just stay like this? I froze for a moment in an unexpected situation. In the end, that was also a choice.

The Archmage’s arms wrapped around me in secret. The smooth fabric and the hair coming out between the fabric were like a cradle. Soft and warm.

“Don’t worry about cause and effect. “Do not consider who committed the mistake first, nor do you consider whose sin is deeper.”

It was so warm that I cried.

“Just tell me. “All the sorrow you have accumulated.”

I thought hard. You have to refuse. She’s not involved. There’s really no reason for this person to handle everything for me.

“I will be on your side and accept everything.”

But I really missed the warmth of hugs. Because I desperately wanted words that only supported me.

『It is arrogance to try to endure all hardships because you think your situation is better than others.』

After all, it had only been a day since I heard those words.

I ended up standing there dumbfounded and tilted my head. It slowly soaked her shoulders.

“...This is all because of her.”

In fact, I was too sad to bear it any longer.

* * *

The moment the tears flowed silently, Mephistopheles had an intuition.

It would be a mistake to touch on the unfair side. I didn’t have high expectations, but it was the downfall of a plan I had wondered about. She felt uncomfortable for no reason.

─If I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have experienced it...

The faintly resounding voice also added to her discomfort.

Idiot, how can it be your fault? I thought about it all the time, but I never understood Gretchen’s thinking circuit.

Since I can’t cut others down, I should cut myself down instead. I don’t even want to know what kind of thinking it takes to arrive at a conclusion like that.

『Dear one, be sure to take revenge.』

Moreover, it is not as if he is currently in a situation that he has to endure and has no strength to back him up.

“You must do it on my bones and flesh.”

She ran her fingertips over her bone mask. The mask that I had started wearing at some point and had now become part of my essence was as cold as it always was.

If it dies, will Gretchen collapse into hating the outside world instead of blaming herself?

[...I don’t know. But there’s no harm in giving it a try. I have plenty of time anyway.]

I can’t be sure. However, Mephistopheles took his time. This was possible because the ‘time remaining’ she knew was longer than Gretchen knew.

Mephistopheles wondered how angry Gretchen would be when, nine years later, he realized that he could not return due to a loophole in the contract.

I couldn’t estimate it well, but it seemed clear that it was going to be evil. The question now was whether it was directed inward or outward.

[Dear Gretchen... How many years will it take for you to love me?] What

she must do now is to make sure that the direction is outward.

[Well, I’ll have to make sure your shell doesn’t come off before that.]

Mephistopheles narrowed his eyes and temporarily retrieved the interpretation magic on his body and the optical illusion magic on his lips.

* * *

Actually, I didn’t want to kill people or anything. I don’t like fighting monsters either. Why should I fight? Why do I have to risk my life to fight? I’m scared too. I’m dying too, so why should I?

It’s all because of the little guy. If it weren’t for that kid, I wouldn’t have ended up like this. If she hadn’t dragged me in because she was having a hard time, I wouldn’t have been in so much pain.

But damn, it’s because he’s a kid. Because I’m a child, I can’t even get angry. What is this? What is this?

Why are you so young that it’s difficult to blame? Why is it that he looks at me every time I say something and bows his head apologetically when I do something?

If I do this, I can’t even complain comfortably. If she’s so small that she can’t even get over my shoulders, and if she has round cheeks like that, it’s really hard to get angry... I

can’t even swear at her as much as I want since we share our damn bodies. I want to be angry and ask why it was me, and I want to shout out why I did something like this, but if I just swear in a place where no one is around, I will feel a little more at ease.

He’s watching everything I do, so if I get angry or swear, he’s sure to hear it all. It’s clear that after hearing everything, I’m going to bang my head and cry. I can’t even cry or get angry about this.

If you were a brat who didn’t even notice and behaved aggressively, I would have cursed you out loud, but why are you a shameless brat? Why are you a brat who feels guilty? Why are you a brat who doesn’t show any tact to the point of foolishness and only apologizes to me...

What a damn brat you really are. ...

Same goes for the devil bastard. It’s inevitable that he doesn’t have humanity because he’s a devil, but why should his attribute be anger? That bastard is the culprit of everything, so why does getting angry make him look good? I’m annoyed enough when people don’t even listen to me no matter what I say...

It’s all so fucking bad. Everything sucks.

The fact that I am the victim and I have to pay attention to her, that it is not a reason for her to feel resentful, that the real culprit is just giggling even when I get angry, and that it is only my side that causes problems... This is so absurd. How dare you?

Same goes for you. It’s true that I did ■■■ first, but that’s still the case. What if I only ■■■ on that? I wanted to ■■ give well, but I also wanted to ■■ really ■■. Because you ■■■■ me first, I couldn’t ■■ solve it and I had to ■■ keep ■■ catching it.

I don’t like it either, but it’s painful to keep having to ■■, but I feel like if I go completely ■■, they’ll ■■ me again... Even if I don’t ■■, they’ll ■■ me...

This is all because of you.

* * *

“It’s all because of you...”

The moment the Archmage exploded, he silently patted the Demon Knight’s back in the face of rapid-fire words.

Occasionally I would hear words I had never heard before, but I ignored them. The demon knight’s words were so fast and muffled by tears that it was difficult to properly understand the original words. She thought she just didn’t understand.

“I like you guys. It’s good, I love your kindness and gentleness... but I really hate your iron wall. I hate it the most. How can people do that? “I’m trying to decide on just one side and look at it.”

So, instead of obsessing over the words she couldn’t hear, she tried to understand the hurt that the demon knight must have accumulated.

It was a little strange to whine like a child, but it was okay. In the face of truly painful wounds, both children and adults ultimately become the same.

“It would have been better if you weren’t so kind people. “If it had been that way, the blindness of seeing only one side of it wouldn’t have hurt.”

Also, because everyone was equal in the face of truly painful wounds.

“I know that it could have been resolved if I hadn’t done ■■■. But but it’s not my fault. ■■ What you wanted to do, even if only on the inside, isn’t such a big sin...”

“Yes, you’re right. It’s not your fault.”

“I had a really hard time too...”

“It’s absolutely not your fault that you ended up like this.”

The Archmage gently stroked the head of the person suffering from pain.

“Neither I wanted to become a demon knight....”

“You really did your best.”

It had been too long since they had been back, but now they were touching each other.