CH 100

“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Gareth asked in a worried voice as he hurriedly took his hands off Elena’s body. ‘Did I make yet another mistake…?’ Feeling anxious, he called her name again. “Elena?”

The woman was breathing heavily to the point her shoulders were moving up and down. Nevertheless, she remained silent.

“Elena,” Gareth called her again, but with a firm voice this time. Her reticence had undoubtedly caused frustration to build up inside him, constantly leaving him to wonder what he was supposed to do. When Elena still didn’t answer him after a while, Gareth simply let her go and waited. It seemed that that was the only thing he could do; he couldn’t leave his hands on her because he felt that he was only causing her more discomfort. The woman seemed somewhat shocked and possibly disgusted by his touch. Gareth waited in silence for a long time, and when the water cooled down, he went outside to fetch some more hot water.

Once Gareth left the room, Elena wrapped her arms around her trembling body. She had not menstruated once ever since the first night she had spent with Gareth, and many weeks had already passed since then. Her heart began to pound uncontrollably as if it was threatening to burst. She hadn’t paid any attention to the possible baby growing inside her, since every day had been difficult and void of hope. She was under the impression that the body was unable to perform normal biological processes during taxing situations… Was that not true?

Elena was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of the door opening. Gareth returned to the room and approached her in one step as soon as he saw her arms wrapped around herself. He carefully poured the hot water he had brought into the tub and stirred it with his hand to mix it with the cool water.

At the sight of Gareth, who was leaning over the tub with his sleeves rolled up to his shoulders, Elena suddenly burst into tears. She covered her face with one hand as the tears flowed relentlessly down her face. She tried to stop crying, but couldn’t.

“Elena!” Gareth gasped in surprise when he saw her crying silently.

‘She’s crying… and not even making a sound…’ Gareth carefully moved close to her, not wanting to leave her to cry alone. Wanting to let her know that he was with her, Gareth hugged her from behind and stayed still until her tears stopped.

* * *

Deep into the night, Elena climbed out of bed after confirming that Gareth was sound asleep. She tiptoed to the table and lit a candle, carrying it to the window. The miniscule chinks in the building allowed wisps of wind to flow into the room, causing the small flame she had just lit to shake. Elena watched as the light swayed in the wind, then began to feel around her flat stomach. She wondered how long it had been if she was pregnant; possibly 11 or even 12 weeks? She touched her lower abdomen delicately before resting her hand there for a moment. Something round was touching the palm of her hand, which she thought was something that had been caused by prolonged malnutrition.

Elena inhaled deeply. ‘There was a new life inside me. A new life…’ Tears welled up in her eyes without her realizing it. Her heart quivered. She then suddenly remembered what Gareth had said.

“There will be no children.”

Resentment surged up within her. Elena glared at Gareth until her eyes became tired from the strain. She then remembered another thing that Gareth had said.

“And this mean and ugly man here is yours as well.”

Elena hugged her body, which still carried Gareth’s temperature from when he had hugged her during the bath.

‘Can I expect something from you again, Gareth?’ Elena sighed. ‘What if my expectations turn into despair again…?’

“I want to come back home to you, Elena,”  he had said.

‘Does that mean that you’re acknowledging me as part of your family now? Does that mean that our child can be blessed?’ Elena wiped away her tears with the back of her hand, then decided to keep these questions to herself. She had decided not to cling to him anymore, out of fear of being let down and falling into an endless pit of despair once again. She was sure that neither her nor the child would be able to endure another spiral of disappointment. Although both her and the child wouldn’t have existed at this very moment if not for Gareth, it was also none other than Garth who had caused her to abandon everything.