Of Lords and Loneliness

Of Lords and Loneliness

Two days after her meeting in the library, Rain found herself in trouble. The play she had planned to see had been canceled, leaving her with nothing to occupy her mind. The emotions she ignored were now overwhelming her, and the sea of inky pain, usually just out of sight, was pushing down on her. The leaks she had felt since waking up that morning had grown.

Rain needed to do something to distract herself. Now! Mr. Markson was expecting her tomorrow. She couldn’t visit him. Likewise, Mr. Mirage needed a few more days to gather recruits to bring through the Library. Who then? The Watching Stars wouldn’t have her information for a few more days. Hope! That’s right, she could ask Hope to bring her books on noble society.

Rain ran towards the library. The physical exertion helped to keep her mind off things, but it wasn't enough. She needed more distractions. As she made her way, she kept a watchful eye on the people around her, constantly scanning for any possible threats. However, her attention was momentarily diverted when she passed a group of children engrossed in a game. In that moment, she was overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and envy.

What would it be like to play with friends without a care in the world?

Rain sped up.

When Rain reached the Library, she found a quiet place to change before entering. She had her cloak turn into her favorite dress, green of course, and forced a dignified look onto her face. Her quivering chin took a while to get under control.

Outwardly composed, Rain entered the library, ignored the judgy lady behind the counter, and presented her chit to the guard who let her in.

Even though it was her second time here, Rain couldn’t help but be awed by the size of the place. It was so much bigger than hers. She needed to get to the bottom of that. This Mid Ring library would not outdo her.

Following the outer wall, Rain searched for Hope. It didn’t take her long. Standing there behind her counter was the same glasses-wearing girl. Rain waved, putting as much cheer into the movement as she could.

“Hi, Mis. Hope!”

Hope looked up from the book she was reading.

“Hello there, it's good to see you again. Do you need something?”

“Yep! I was hoping you could help me learn about nobles!”

Hope smiled.

“I would be happy to.”

Hope’s words were the color of truth. Everything about Hope felt cheerful and colorful even when wearing the bland black and white skirt uniform of the library. Rain couldn’t help but like her.

“What makes the Arch Lord so special?” Rain asked. She had her chin in her hand to hide its slight quivering.

“Oh, the Arch Lord is Lord Tineak. And that's because Tineak is the only island where star metal can be mined. Star metal is said to make the best armor and is incredibly rare. Its usefulness helped the first Lord Tineak become the Arch Lord, and they never lost that position.”

Rain could see a man in silvery armor cutting Lon’s head off. That must have been star metal. She closed her eyes to stop the tears from escaping. She didn’t need to cry. She was alright.

“Can a commoner become a lord?” her voice was starting to quiver too, not good.

“Are you alright?”

“Yep, I’m just closing my eyes to help me concentrate,” Rain lied.

“Oh, all right. Well, to answer your question, to be a lord, you have to own land that produces something of value. So, if you owned a piece of land and found that it grew a useful herb that couldn’t be found anywhere else, you could use that fact to try to become a Lesser Lord.

Some wealthy merchants marry into lord families as a way to join the gathering because they have the money but not the land to qualify. Or sometimes they make deals with lord families to have them adopt one of their children.

I hear those last two are becoming more common these days as disasters leave more and more lords destitute.”

“Thank you, Hope. Can I find you after I have some time to think this all over?”

Rain had more questions she wanted to ask, but she couldn’t hold herself together much longer. Already, she was pressing her fingers into her closed eyes, trying to stop them from crying.

“Wha oh, sorry! I get carried away sometimes. I’ll stop bothering you. I’m so sorry.”

Rain wanted to tell her it was no bother, but she needed Hope to leave fast. So, Rain said nothing. She heard the door open and close. Unable to wait more than a minute, Rain followed, but rather than stepping into the brightly lit library, she stepped into a fog-clogged and dark library full of books that would curse the unfortunate.

Rain dropped to her knees and finally let the tears she had held back all day flow freely. Hunching over in pain, she hugged herself tightly, with her fingers digging into her shoulders. But there was no comfort in that thin hug; it only served to remind her of how alone she was.

The bitter jealousy and longing that Rain harbored every time she saw children playing or families walking together. Every time she saw a mother caring for a son or a father comforting his daughter, Rain felt it. She wanted it. But she would never have it. Didn’t deserve it. Not after what she had done. She knew it didn’t make sense to blame herself, but she didn’t feel it. In her heart, Rain knew the truth: she didn’t deserve to be loved.

Fingers drawing blood as she tried to hug herself harder, Rain screamed till her throat went raw. It was a scream of absolute pain, of longing, of hopelessness. It was a wail of the lost and lonely. And as was fitting of such a sound, no one heard it, no one cared.Fôllôw new stories at novelhall.com