Chapter 186 - A Shocking Revelation

Frost: Jedd... you and I have known each other for a while now and honestly, you're a great guy. You have no idea how many times you've cheered me up when I was struggling and honestly, knowing you was like a blessing in my life. I like you too, but not in the romantic sense. I'm very sorry about it but I still hope that we can meet in person at least once... sorry for being selfish.

Edward read the message a few times and closed his eyes. His hands shook and he ran the possibilities through his mind. Scarlet still wanted to meet with Jedd even though she couldn't return his feelings. Would she be mad that Jedd was someone she knew?

Instead of taking the plunge, Edward played it cautious and decided to send a probe to find out how Scarlet would react to the revelation. If he came on too strongly and suddenly like declaring he was Edward in front of her, he honestly couldn't predict how Scarlet would react. Hence, he went for the mild approach.

Jedd77: What if I said you already knew me in person?

The question was effective in making Scarlet sit up straight. He didn't know what was going through her mind but he made plans for both scenarios. If Scarlet still insisted on meeting with him, Edward would simply reveal his identity gradually using text message. If Scarlet didn't want to meet up with Jedd, Edward would just pretend Jedd never turned up and probably postpone his confession for another time. Now that he had a taste of what rejection felt like, Edward didn't think he had the strength to be rejected twice in the same day if he could spare himself the pain. Elfie was probably going to scold him for using out but Edward didn't want to do it for both their sakes. He rather enjoyed how Scarlet was beginning to slowly open up to him ever since the library date. She still wasn't ready to trust him fully and he wanted to wait for her to be ready before he laid his feelings on her.

While Edward was troubled with his conflicted feelings and kept in suspense, Scarlet's world was in chaos. Someone she knew? Many thoughts flew to her mind. Was Jedd a stalker? Did he already know her from television or was he someone she met briefly and didn't remember? Were they faking their conversations the whole time just to get close to her? As if her world shrunk down, Scarlet felt that she couldn't breathe. The memory of being stuck in a broom closet with the envelope of evidence when she was younger came to mind and the atrium slowly faded away, leaving only darkness in front of Scarlet.

Edward who had been waiting for a response for a long time frowned. Scarlet shouldn't need to think so hard about it. He glanced up to check on the girl and immediately dropped his phone.

"Scarlet!"

The writer was hunched over and sweating but looking deathly pale. Even though he wasn't a doctor, Edward recognised the signs of a panic attack when Scarlet started to breathe heavy. Her eyes were wide open but they were unseeing. He tried to talk her out of it but Scarlet was no longer listening either. Her PTSD was worse than he thought it would be and without another choice, Edward rushed over to her side of the table.

He pulled the hyperventilating girl into his chest and hugged her tightly, whispering to her in hopes that she will snap out of it. There were some stares in their direction and Edward glared at the curious busybodies while holding Scarlet for a long time. The process wasn't easy for either of them with Scarlet's paranoia escalated, no longer in her right mind. She started to cry and even struggled in Edward's hold and Edward could only hold onto her tighter. It wasn't a simple case of an anxiety disorder, it was a full-on panic attack that Edward wasn't ready for.

Thankfully, the panic attack only lasted for a few minutes until Scarlet came back to her senses even though there was still fear in her eyes and her body couldn't stop shaking. Edward let Scarlet go a little but the girl clung tightly onto his shirt.

"Scarlet? What happened?"

The writer didn't talk at first and her words were incoherent but she didn't give up and continued struggling to find words.

Edward frowned as he made out a few he understood. "Stalker? Where?"

Scarlet shook her head. "Jedd... not coming..."

Piecing the two together Edward pulled back. "Are you saying that Jedd isn't coming because he's a stalker?"

Scarlet nodded with tears and occupied. The trembling had lessened but the paranoia wasn't over.

"Guns... they come with guns to look for me... wh-what if... Jedd also...?"

Edward's heart turned to ice upon learning that Scarlet had ever been in a situation when she was facing armed assailants. Although he had even more questions about what happened in her past, he could now understand why she had PTSD.

"No, it's not possible. Jedd isn't a stalker and he wouldn't harm you. I promise you that."

Scarlet shook her head, not willing to listen and Edward didn't know what came over him but the words were blurted before he knew it.

"Jedd isn't a stalker because I'm Jedd77, Frost."

Scarlet froze and Edward sighed. In a softer voice this time, he looked her into the eyes and repeated, "I am Jedd77. I like you, Scarlet."

Author's Note:

Just a note, this chapter is rather heavy and PTSD is a very real thing that can come with severe depression and anxiety attacks. I don't know how many people will read an author's notes but if you are, I want you to know that if you suffer from PTSD you are not alone.

I'm am a survivor of some very horrifying things in life. I won't mention what happened here but I suffer from PTSD, depression and anxiety attacks. My PTSD has been bad enough to make me hallucinate, become paranoid for no reason, caused me severe insomnia where I was unable to sleep for 10 days at one point I collapsed and was hospitalised. I was afraid to sleep because of nightmares and I couldn't trust anyone. My depression and anxiety attacks were a side effect from the prolonged PTSD that I had to cope with alone. At one point I was suicidal and have attempted several times to take my life but have failed. My anxiety attacks get so bad that I couldn't go to crowded places like the train or a shopping mall for a long time.

PTSD is something that cannot be cured but there is still hope. For the people who know someone else with PTSD, depression or anxiety attack, the most important thing to do is just be with them to let them know they're not alone. It can be exhausting when they reject help and saving but if you care for them, you will persist. I cannot say that they will snap out of it someday or how soon they will get better but I believe it would be better than watching them die without doing a thing. I didn't have anyone by my side back then but I was lucky that I found a group of misfits in society who took me in. They might have taught me some bad things that may or may not have been against the law but their constant company and sincere attitude saved me from myself. I might have lost all contact with them now but I will forever be thankful to them.

To my gang, if you're reading this right now. I'm proud to say that I kept my promise even if you didn't keep yours. I studied and graduated splendidly. I'm also a proud writer even though I'm not making much money doing this. I just want to say that you guys will always be the best.

To my readers, thank you for staying with Love Journal. Writing this hasn't been easy. The story is both a painful and hateful to write because this is the story of my life in a modified setting. It's been almost a year since the book started and many things have happened. The boy I dated that I modelled the original ML - Jasper13 for is no good. I broke up and I was heartbroken which was why I didn't introduce the ML for such a long time.

I know many of you are thrilled to finally see Edward and such a great ML finally appear for Scarlet (who you might have guessed who it was modelled after) but it wasn't easy for me to create Edward either because he was created after my ex-lover that I couldn't be together with due to circ.u.mstances. Digging up the memories of someone who I love from my past has been painful and writing it into a happy story for a future I can never have has been hateful. The only bright side about doing this has always been the warm support I receive from the readers.

I hate to say it but Love Journal is going to be ending soon. We will progress full-throttle from now on. No more delays, no more slow-paced scenes (although knowing me I will give you many sweet bonus scenes and chapters after the ending). I don't know why I got so emotional in the author's note writing about this but that's the main point of my announcement. Thank you for staying with me and the end of the book doesn't have to be goodbye for us. I will be creating new works both on and outside. I have discord, twitter, Facebook and Instagram that you can stalk for news. It might not be the same as Love Journal but I promise I won't change, I'll only get better.

That's all from me and although it's rather awkward I promise no more surprise lengthy notes like this from now on.

Stay awesome, stay amazing and live strong!

Fair Winds my friends,

Destiny Aitsuji