CH 66

Chapter 66: The Right to Express Love

There was a very thin layer of fog on the car windows.

Yue Zhishi’s eyes carried tears, but he held back from blinking. After getting together with Song Yu, every day seemed like a dream; sometimes even he himself was so dazed that he thought the person in front of him would disappear as soon as he blinked.

He’d carefully, tentatively tried to be a considerate partner. He gave Song Yu space, restraining the possessiveness he held towards him — he thought Song Yu would like him a little bit more, would need him more. He thought, by doing so, Song Yu would no longer take him as a little brother who didn’t understand anything.  

But he’d been mistaken from the very start.

It was Song Yu who had been truly struggling. He’d started struggling much earlier than him and had struggled much more painfully than him.    

He’d thought he’d feel as sweet and warm as all those romance movies at hearing the person he liked say I love you — but at this moment, Yue Zhishi’s heart was filled with grief and sorrow. Those feelings weren’t for himself.

“I’m sorry…” Yue Zhishi reached out, gently covering the back of Song Yu’s hand. He clutched those long, slender fingertips.

Song Yu flipped his own hand over to hold his. “Why are you saying sorry?” 

His fingertips were very cold; Song Yu massaged his fingers.

“You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Yue Zhishi drew his eyebrows together. Finally, he couldn’t hold back — he embraced him, throwing his arms around his neck, and pressed his face into the hollow of his shoulder. “I was too slow. If I’d understood I liked you much earlier, you wouldn’t have had to endure so much by yourself.” 

Song Yu had been so impassive. Even when he was laying himself bare, he’d been incomparably calm, as though he hadn’t suffered at all. But all the years of pain — Yue Zhishi could feel them in their entirety and even further.

Perhaps Song Yu’s heart truly had been given to him. It lived in his body, and it was why Yue Zhishi was so heartbroken at a time like this.

“Why are you crying.” Song Yu could sense Yue Zhishi was crying, and he stroked his back. “Don’t be upset. It’s bad for your body.” 

At this, Yue Zhishi was even more distressed.

“But you’ve been in pain for so long.”

If it had been him who’d realised he liked the older brother who lived under the same roof as him like true blood-related brothers, knowing something like that wasn’t right. The other person might consider him only as a family member, but feelings were uncontrollable; without a single person to confide to, he could only protect the small pieces and things he’d received from the other person, losing sleep night after night.

If it had been him, he wouldn’t have been able to continue on at all. 

But Song Yu seemed to care only about why Yue Zhishi came to look for him and why he was feeling such a sense of loss. “Did I give you the wrong idea when I said we could give it a try?”

The coral fleece home clothes on Yue Zhishi’s body was very soft and plush. It was fluffy, and as Song Yu hugged him, even his voice gentled.

“I wanted to let you give us a try and take this time with me as a trial period. You would be the one to decide how long it lasted.” 

His face slightly itching because of Song Yu’s cashmere coat, Yue Zhishi rubbed his face against the side of Song Yu’s neck. He lingered against Song Yu’s warm skin and asked, voice muffled, “Then what about you?”

Song Yu stayed silent for a while, and then he said, softly, “It’s already more than enough for me to have this period of time.” 

Curving his head onto Yue Zhishi’s, he said, “I never thought I would have a day like this.” 

They were like two plants tangled together. The past Yue Zhishi had blindly accepted the nutrients Song Yu transferred to him, ignorant of everything. He grew up without a single worry, but now — he finally understood where all those nutrients had come from and recognised the accumulated years of suffering living within Song Yu’s body.

Love was truly too strange.

Song Yu safeguarded so well a worthless, imprecise globe, and yet he, in describing himself as unreasonably anxious, hadn’t dared to keep the maker of that globe.

Yue Zhishi wanted to say something to Song Yu very badly, so that he would believe he was the same. But his brain became more chaotic the more anxious he was, and all the things he could think of saying were disjointed and illogical. 

In the end, Song Yu looked at his watch and said it was already very late.

“I even made you cry on your birthday,” he grumbled at himself before giving Yue Zhishi a kiss. “Let’s go back.”

He didn’t use the words let’s go home. Both of them were very clear — it would be very hard to return back home. 

The inside of the car was impossibly quiet on the drive, and once Yue Zhishi got out of the car in the underground car park, Song Yu pulled up the hood on his jacket for him and took him upstairs.

The door opened, darkness deep and heavy within the room. Song Yu turned on the lights and the air-conditioning, but the temperature warmed much slower than he imagined. Yue Zhishi slipped off his dirtied cotton slippers, changing into the slippers in the apartment, and went to sit on the sofa by himself, still frowning. 

Song Yu walked over to him, holding a pair of thick and downy cotton socks he grabbed from somewhere. Kneeling down on one knee, he didn’t say a single word and reached out to catch Yue Zhishi’s ankles.

Yue Zhishi pulled away, but Song Yu held onto him and tugged an ankle forward. His broad palm enveloped Yue Zhishi’s almost frozen heel, and after chafing it for a bit, he pulled a sock over it.

Neither of them had spoken in the last two minutes. Song Yu helped him put on the socks, stood back up and then he finally, casually opened his mouth. 

“The things I said — would they make you feel pity for me?” 

He didn’t expect his question to accidentally stir up Yue Zhishi’s emotions. Frowning, Yue Zhishi moved his legs away; his voice wasn’t quite steady. “What are you saying?”

Very quickly, Yue Zhishi once again sunk into self-reflection. He suspected he really was an idiot who understood nothing about love: the first thing he’d actually said after hearing Song Yu say he loved him was I’m sorry.

He was in all honesty blaming himself for Song Yu’s pain, but Song Yu — how would he interpret that single I’m sorry? 

His thoughts having reached this point, he did his best to calm himself down, to smoothen out his breathing.

“Not pity.” Yue Zhishi raised his head, looking at Song Yu. He used the back of his hand to scrub his eyes; the rims of his eyes were very red, and even his eyelashes were damp. “I said I was sorry because I was too upset. It wasn’t because I didn’t accept your feelings. They were what I wanted the most. You don’t know how much I wanted to know if you liked me.”

“Don’t keep thinking that I can’t tell the difference between familial affection and love. I might’ve been sick when I confessed — I honestly wasn’t clear-headed, so I definitely appeared really impulsive — but I struggled over those words for a very long time before I wanted to say them out loud. They existed since a long time ago, and I only said them because I couldn’t handle it anymore.”

Yue Zhishi frowned again before relaxing his eyebrows. He stretched out a hand, curling it around Song Yu’s dropped hand, and gripped his fingers. “You said I would be the one to decide how long this lasted. You left me with space to step back, but have you ever thought about this.”

“Song Yu.” Yue Zhishi lowered his eyes, the gathered tears gently wobbling. “It was you who let me feel the love I had never been able to feel from other people. It was you who gave me the feelings I never received from anyone else. From our childhood to now — the last ten-plus years — my eyes have seen only you. I only wish to spend every minute, every second with you, and that has never changed. We’ve already reached this point, and yet you still expect me to like someone else?”

Lifting his eyes, he squeezed Song Yu’s hand. No matter how stubborn he was, his reddened eyes couldn’t hold onto that teardrop after all, and it tumbled down. “From the time you accepted me to your side, I had no other option. It was you who made me unable to love anyone else — so how could you leave me with ways to retreat?” 

Yue Zhishi’s voice had never been so resolute. “I have no way out. I have only you.”

Song Yu fell into a prolonged period of silence, and then he went to sit next to him.

Yue Zhishi’s tears were rolling down drop by drop, and he subconsciously reached out a hand to wipe them away, again and again. He was like a robot, only able to execute simple commands.

“I don’t want only a period of time. It’s not enough.”

Underneath the lights of the living room, Yue Zhishi was so pale the slightly swollen green and blue veins on his eyelids were clearly visible. He looked extremely fragile, as though he would shatter with just one touch. His eyelashes were long yet soft, and even the skin on his cheeks was very soft. He wore very comfortable coral fleece clothes. But the look on his face, his voice — they held the unyielding stubbornness that lived in his bones.

“I want all of you for a very, very long time.”

Lifting a hand, Song Yu touched his cheek. Yue Zhishi caught it.

“You said it’s harmless to like someone. Maybe to you, my feelings are a simple like; even I didn’t define what they were. But I really struggled with them — the possessiveness I feel towards you has already gone beyond what I can handle. That’s why I ran out in the middle of the night in my pyjamas to look for you. That’s why I was filled with self doubt once I heard some insignificant stuff.”

He pulled out from his pocket the pudding he’d still yet to give away. “I even found a ridiculously hasty excuse that I can never say out loud to other people just so I could see you earlier. At eighteen, you said I was still a child. But at nineteen—”

Throughout the nights Song Yu had lost sleep because of these feelings, Yue Zhishi had continuously done all he could to smooth away the gaps and lags in their timelines, in the knowledge transmitted to each other — all of the staggered, unmatched differences he could think of.

“—do I have the right to say I love you?” 

Seeing how Yue Zhishi’s eyes reddened and eyelashes trembled at asking a question like that, the last string holding Song Yu back finally snapped.

He didn’t give an answer, only directly pressing Yue Zhishi onto the sofa and fitting their lips together. His glasses were wedged in between their faces, and there was a noise that sounded like metal breaking. After adjusting it a few times, Song Yu tore off the glasses and carelessly threw it onto the floor.

The leather on the sofa was very cold. With Song Yu holding down his wrists, Yue Zhishi had no way to move — but Song Yu’s breaths were hot, and so were his lips and tongue. The weight of the person he loved bore down on him, as though he’d fallen into the lake; the familiar scent of Song Yu’s body wrapped around him, and Yue Zhishi gradually lost control amongst the ferocity and suffocation he’d never experienced before. He liked the Song Yu who was gentle, and he also liked the Song Yu who completely revealed himself without concealing or holding any of himself back.

Song Yu kissed him very forcefully, entering him in a determined way. He no longer cautiously thought about Yue Zhishi’s breathing; he plundered his way into a moist and velvety territory, as though he was trying to leave behind a mark — so that Yue Zhishi would always remember how much he wanted him.

The feeling of suffocation made Yue Zhishi feel as though he was walking on a suspension bridge. He tightly clutched onto Song Yu’s arms, eyes closed, as his breathing through his nose became all the more intense. The zipper on the outer layer of his pyjamas slipped downwards from the friction, and only the bottom pin box remained connected; a soft cotton short-sleeved shirt peeked out from within. He tried returning the kiss, awkwardly and stubbornly entwining with Song Yu, and yet he plunged into another whirlpool as he did so — sinking deeper and deeper, as his hunger for Song Yu became all the more consuming. 

Time slowed down, and just as he was on the verge of losing all of his air, Song Yu shifted away, breaking through the thread of desire. Yue Zhishi lay limply on the sofa, the corners of his mouth slightly wet. His lips were flushed from the fierce kiss.

His head was pillowed on the sofa’s armrest, and he pulled in large mouthfuls of air. His heart was racing, his whole body covered with sweat; his breaths were thin, and his chest rose and fell very rapidly. All of this felt almost exactly the same as though he was hyperventilating — except he was both frightened and ravenous. 

As Song Yu lightly, soothingly kissed the edge of his lips, Yue Zhishi moved in relying solely on his instincts. He intimately rubbed the tips of their noses together, panting as he pressed kisses against Song Yu’s cheeks, Song Yu’s lips. He called out either Song Yu’s name or called him gege; the sound of his voice blended indistinctly into the wet, sucking noises and his sharp breathing. His voice came in fragments, again and again, tainted with lust as they moved against each other. 

He was like a puppy raised with indulgence, subconsciously equating Song Yu’s intimate actions with darkness through training. In dark spaces with no one else around them, Song Yu would embrace him, kiss him — which is why he always stepped inside, filled with expectation, and was unwilling to leave. 

If it was possible, he wished Song Yu’s kisses would never stop.

Dazed, Song Yu saw a very small drop of blood well up from Yue Zhishi’s slightly swollen lips. He calmed down, and he held Yue Zhishi’s face, using the pad of a finger to delicately wipe it away. He said very gently, “Sorry,” and backed away, giving him some space to breathe. “Did I scare you.”

But Yue Zhishi didn’t accept his good intentions. Instead, he climbed onto Song Yu’s body and twined his arms around his neck. Shaking his head, he said, “No,” and pleaded, “It’s my birthday today, you can’t leave.” His whole body eased onto Song Yu’s, and he took the initiative to merge their lips together. He actively kissed without much skill, like a child begging for candy.

Innocently asking for more, simply expressing his love and demanding passionate kisses despite clearly knowing it’d be hard for him to breathe — that was Yue Zhishi. Other than Song Yu, there would be no one else who would be able to see him like this.

Song Yu pushed his shoulders, moving him slightly away. His hand tenderly cupped his cheek as his thumb swiped back and forth against the corner of his mouth. 

“Will you feel as though I’m influencing you?”

Yue Zhishi’s jacket was already completely off; only the sleeves still remained on him. He grasped Song Yu’s arms, fighting to steady his breathing. His red lips glistened with moisture, and even his face was red as he gazed at Song Yu with damp yet sincere eyes. Faintly opening his mouth, he sucked Song Yu’s thumb in, and the tip of his tongue subtly brushed against it.

“Isn’t it me who’s seducing you?”

His movements were tempting and alluring, and yet his eyes were clean and pure. It was as though they were hinting at Song Yu, telling him: you are innocent, and I am the one who is guilty. Just like Yue Zhishi had done countless times, they were telling him: you can do to me whatever you want to do. 

This actually increased Song Yu’s guilt. 

But when guilt was mixed with the initial layer of desire, it became an almost incurable hallucinogen. It shot right into his veins, and his reason utterly disappeared. Still fully dressed, he peeled off Yue Zhishi’s jacket and kissed down the line of his neck, leaving behind traces on his pale, bare skin.

Yue Zhishi was covered by a layer of thin sweat, and the short-sleeved shirt stuck to his body. He quivered when Song Yu kissed his still covered nipples; he tilted backwards, clinging to Song Yu’s head, and his waist, arched forward, was firmly squeezed. A kind of impatient eagerness circulated in his blood, and it seized hold of his entire body — he lost strength and wanted to slide backwards, but Song Yu clasped onto his lower back and pulled him back in until he toppled onto Song Yu’s body.

“Does it feel bad?” Song Yu hadn’t even finished speaking when Yue Zhishi started kissing him again. 

His hands shoved off Song Yu’s outer coat in a hurry, revealing the black knit inside. He trailed kisses to the side of Song Yu’s face and gasped next to his ear, “Hot…”

Song Yu’s hands slipped into his clothes and came into contact with his feverish skin. Cold fingertips somewhat relieved the heat in Yue Zhishi’s body, but it made no real difference. Sitting on Song Yu’s body, Yue Zhishi lightly rubbed back and forth; he took Song Yu’s hand and led it downwards until fingertips went past the edge of his pyjama pants.

“Have you done it yourself before?” Reaching in, Song Yu gripped onto Yue Zhishi’s already erect cock.

Yue Zhishi lay on his body, very quietly saying he had.

“When?”

“After getting together with you. I really missed you.” Yue Zhishi fidgeted against the side of Song Yu’s neck, looking as though he was a bit shy and embarrassed. He stressed, “Only once.”

Thinking he was cute, Song Yu couldn’t help but tease, “You like me so much, and yet you’ve only done it once?”

Yue Zhishi was somewhat peeved, lifting his body up and wanting to say something, but Song Yu blocked his mouth and also tightly squeezed below. The slippery fluid oozing from the tip contaminated what Yue Zhishi had once considered the best-looking pair of hands; thumb and fingers circled around him, and the hand pushed and pulled, gliding up and down.

When he touched himself, the only things he imagined were Song Yu’s face and his kisses — Yue Zhishi very rarely imagined Song Yu doing other things, so even his sexual fantasies contained only kisses. He only understood how empty his fantasies were now that he obtained Song Yu in his entirety.

He sporadically shared kisses with Song Yu, seeking air from time to time. He subconsciously rocked his hips with Song Yu’s movements, and his butt, still bundled in his pants, ground against Song Yu’s lower body. He could feel something nudging against himself, and that knowledge made him feel both ashamed and satisfied.

“I can’t… Gege…”

Whenever he begged for mercy, Yue Zhishi’s first impulse was still to call him gege. It was as though he was doing something he shouldn’t be doing, and he shook as he pleaded for him to spare him, soft whimpers and moans interspersed among his pants.

He squirmed in Song Yu’s arms, and Song Yu could only endure. He tenderly kissed Yue Zhishi’s cheek and said, “Be good and relax. You’ll feel much better after you come.”

On the verge of losing control, Yue Zhishi received some comfort after asking for a kiss. Their teeth touched, tongues coiled together, and the low and hazy moan changed pitch in the middle of their kiss. Yue Zhishi shot onto Song Yu’s lower belly, his cum dirtying Song Yu’s clean black knit.

Yue Zhishi hid in Song Yu’s chest as he heavily breathed, his body completely weak. Lowering his head, he saw the mess; he used a hand to scrub it away, but it wouldn’t disappear.

“I’m sorry,” Yue Zhishi whispered. “I dirtied your clothes.”

Song Yu felt his attention was always caught on strange things. He brushed his lips against Yue Zhishi’s ear. “You can dirty it even more.”

Yue Zhishi’s face flushed, but he was a child who was eager to learn. That hand smeared with cum once again shifted downwards, undoing Song Yu’s belt, and tentatively pulled down the border of his underwear. The astoundingly sized cock popped out and pressed against Yue Zhishi’s skinny lower belly.

“So big.” Yue Zhishi looked at his cock, and the desire to compare rose in his heart. Song Yu’s cock was somewhat darker than his, much longer and also curved upwards. But Yue Zhishi very swiftly found a good excuse for himself. “You’re much taller than me to begin with anyway.”

Song Yu still wanted to kiss him, but Yue Zhishi clambered down his body and unexpectedly knelt onto the rug. Pulling open Song Yu’s legs, he slid in. He raised his face, a smile that was the tiniest bit sly hanging on his face, and he declared to Song Yu, “I want to do this. Can I?”

“You don’t need to.” Song Yu wanted to tug him back up.

“But I want to try.” Yue Zhishi’s hand was holding the bottom of his cock, and his lips skimmed against the tip; when his lips moved away, a strand of translucent fluid came away with them, sticking onto his lips.

“Where’d you learn this?”

Yue Zhishi answered earnestly, “I saw this on a pornographic ad. That time after graduating third year of junior high — the video I watched was actually a man with another man.”

He opened his mouth and drew in Song Yu’s cock. It was actually much harder than he’d imagined: he essentially could only fit the top half into his mouth, but Song Yu’s breathing had already changed.

Yue Zhishi sucked the best he could, knowing very well he was inexperienced. He still wanted to please Song Yu, hoping he could get a bit of praise after, but it was truly too difficult. He originally hadn’t been able to swallow the whole of it, and yet Yue Zhishi could feel Song Yu’s cock swelling in his mouth.

He pulled away slightly, took a few breaths and stretched out his tongue, licking up and down. There was no skill in his movements at all, possibly even very clumsy, but just the act alone messed up Song Yu’s long controlled breathing. The person he’d gone to such lengths to protect — the little brother he watched grow up — was at this very moment kneeling in front of him and pleasing him.

Immoral desire was pleasure’s most effective catalyst. 

When Yue Zhishi leaned forward again, Song Yu couldn’t hold back his hands from clenching onto the back of Yue Zhishi’s head. He could feel part of himself pressing down on the base of Yue Zhishi’s tongue, and it was even deeper inside than when they kissed. He suddenly had a somewhat abnormal thought: he wanted to heavily thrust into that moist and soft mouth and then shoot inside; he wanted to see him choke and forcefully swallow everything down, coughing until his face turned red. And then he still needed to kiss him.

But that could only remain as thoughts. Song Yu wouldn’t risk Yue Zhishi and make him do something like that. He endured, pushing deeply into Yue Zhishi’s throat before withdrawing back again slightly. His cock coupled slowly with the inside of Yue Zhishi’s mouth and his lips, and he took Yue Zhishi’s hand, teaching him how to wrap around his shaft and pleasure him. 

Yue Zhishi’s mouth was very sore, and a lot of spit trickled down from his mouth. He still licked and sucked seriously, and after an unknown amount of time, Song Yu abruptly hauled himself out and rubbed the front of his cock against Yue Zhishi’s lips. With rapid, short breaths, he came onto Yue Zhishi’s face.

Yue Zhishi helplessly closed his eyes as fluid splattered all over his face. He opened his eyes again, just marginally, and subconsciously wiped his face with the back of his hand. He looked at the cum on his hand with a bit of bemusement — and then he licked it. 

“What are you doing?” Steadying his breathing, Song Yu pulled Yue Zhishi’s hand away.

“I wanted to see what you taste like,” Yue Zhishi very honestly replied. He even lowered his head and gave Song Yu’s cock a kiss. 

“Was it yummy?” Song Yu leaned back against the sofa, so hot he pulled off his shirt with one hand. Stretching out a hand, he tugged Yue Zhishi onto his body.

Yue Zhishi circled his arms around Song Yu’s waist, and he shared a suggestive kiss with Song Yu, murmuring yes it was in reply, murmuring I feel so good and I really like you.

Song Yu’s ears burned as he listened, and he pinched Yue Zhishi’s lower waist, plugging up his mouth with his own. With Yue Zhishi straddling him, he lifted him up, carrying him into the bathroom. What they’ve done was far from enough for Song Yu, but he wanted to properly treasure Yue Zhishi; he didn’t want to continue further in a rush without a single shred of preparation and give him an unsatisfactory experience.

They cleaned up swiftly, and Yue Zhishi didn’t want to leave the warmth of the bathroom. Song Yu couldn’t get him to move, so he could only transport him horizontally into the bedroom and cover him well with the blanket. He cuddled him from the back, forcefully compelling him to sleep before 2:30.

“Kiss for just one more minute.” Yue Zhishi flipped over, pecking at Song Yu’s face. “Please?”

Song Yu was wholly unsympathetic, his eyes still closed, so Yue Zhishi could only cutely whine, “It’s my birthday today, and you still haven’t even said happy birthday to me yet. And now you’re…”

“Happy birthday,” Song Yu said very briskly and then gave Yue Zhishi a quick smooch.

“That was too half-hearted.” Hooking his hands around Song Yu’s neck, Yue Zhishi gave him a lingering kiss. “I like kisses like this.” But he didn’t get his way at all — Song Yu speedily pushed him away.

“If you still want to go to your birthday lunch tomorrow, you better sleep now.” Song Yu stared at him, and his voice started to sound a bit threatening. “I can make it so you can’t get out of bed at all.”

Yue Zhishi’s heart frantically jumped, and his cheeks blushed. He muttered, “Understood, sleeping now sleeping now.”

The bedside lamp switched off, and the room sunk into a layer of soft darkness. After a few minutes of quiet, Yue Zhishi, hidden in Song Yu’s arms, couldn’t help but whisper, “Are you asleep?”

“Mn.”

Yue Zhishi shifted a bit higher. “Can you say what you said to me in the car again.”

“What did I say?” His voice deep, Song Yu asked him on purpose. “‘I don’t like you’?” 

Yue Zhishi bit his neck. “Not that. The sentence after.”  

Even though he’d been bitten, Song Yu seemed to be in a good mood. He stroked Yue Zhishi’s back, and a calm and gentle amusement laced through his voice. He used a more peaceful way to tell him, “I love you.”

Yue Zhishi held onto him in contentment. He didn’t want to say sorry this time. The first day of being nineteen, he too obtained the right to express his love to the person he loved. “I love you too.”

Feeling as though it wasn’t enough, he repeated it once again.

“I love you, Song Yu.”

The author has something to say:

They finally understand each other’s heart~