CH 91

Chapter 91: A Blade of Grass, The Sun of Spring

Or, also known as: It is immeasurably difficult to repay the love, care and devotion given to you from your parents.

As a child, Yue Zhishi had once seen a piece of news. It reported an orphan who’d lost his parents after a disaster, and words such as ‘good samaritans from all walks of life’, ‘charity’ and ‘deeds done from the heart’ kept being said, again and again.

At that time, he’d been docilely sitting in front of the television, and yet he’d thought, I’m so similar to him.

The choice of wording in that piece of news seemed to etch into his heart. Every time he saw anything similar, Yue Zhishi would compare himself to the people within, and then silently whisper in his heart, I’m so lucky. 

Later, he couldn’t help but deem every person who treated him well as a ‘good samaritan’. He treated the love and care everyone gave him as ‘charity’, and then did his best to return the heart others had given him. All of those behaviours had already long been carved into his bones and had become part of him, unable to be cut away. 

But within the multitude of so many kind people, the two people Yue Zhishi wanted to repay the most, yet was most unable to repay, were the Song parents. 

As he hoped to always be able to offer them happiness and warmth, he also gave them irreversible harm because of his selfish love. The two conflicting desires pushed and pulled at each other, dragging at him until he was almost torn apart. 

Standing in the living room, Yue Zhishi thought with remorse and anger that he must’ve definitely come across very badly. His illness and panic had thrown his thoughts into chaos, to the point even he himself didn’t know what he was saying.

He clearly could’ve been steadier. He clearly could’ve not cried.

This living room, to them, was way too familiar. The phantom ghosts of happiness seemed to remain in every single corner. Yue Zhishi and Song Yu sitting in front of their parents’ knees when they were children, building lego blocks; the four of them sitting in front of the television together, fighting to watch different shows; them cuddling up together under the same extra large woollen blanket during winter — as well as the uncountable amount of times they’d eaten late night snacks, together.

Within that same space, they were now separated. Those closely knit together hearts had been divided by cold air, and every single one of them was silent from grief, each second passing as though they were years.

He didn’t know how much time had passed. Feeling as though he was hearing things, Yue Zhishi heard Song Jin speak, his voice laboured and hoarse.

“It was all my fault.”

She’d only heard that one sentence, and yet Lin Rong was already choking with sobs.

“It’s not.” Yue Zhishi’s heart stung. “Uncle Song…”  

Song Jin sat on the sofa, the sight of his back looking as though he’d aged ten years. “I busied myself earning money everyday, hoping for you guys to be able to have a more plentiful life without any burdens. Whenever I came home, I just wanted to spend time with you, to chat. I wanted to be a satisfactory parent, because we actually carry the hopes of two families on our shoulders. I didn’t expect to not actually understand the two children I’ve raised after passing so many years. Sometimes I’d look at the two of you and think, not bad. I didn’t have a single regret in this life, with both of my children so outstanding, such good people. I was particularly proud of myself, to the point where I thought that I could… could stand a bit straighter when I went to see Yue Yi again.”

His voice was slightly shaky, his eyes blank as he gazed at the black television screen. It was as though Yue Yi was standing in front of him, as though he could slip an arm around his shoulders like he used to do in the past. “I could say to him — look at how well I’ve raised your son. I might’ve raised him even better than you could’ve done.” 

Song Jin shook his head. “Good thing I was just dreaming. If he really found out I thought that way, he might find me particularly laughable.”

His smile slowly disappeared. “I… Later, I kept thinking things didn’t feel right. Why didn’t Song Yu come home? Why was he always by himself? With his credentials, it wasn’t like he couldn’t find someone to be with him. He kept insisting he wouldn’t date, and with his cold personality, I had nothing to say. And then, when Le Le started university and stopped coming home too, I became even more confused.” 

As she listened, Lin Rong covered her face with her hands.

“Do the two of you know? Xiao Rong and I, we look forward to you coming home every weekend. As soon as it’s the weekend, she’d cook and fill the table with food. And then it would just be the two of us, eating face to face and never able to finish all the food. We thought to ourselves, were we not good enough parents? Did we not care enough about you? So we did our best to care more, to plan and worry more for your future.”

Song Yu lowered his head, his hands fisting.

“But the few times you guys came back, it looked like you were quite happy. I couldn’t understand it no matter how hard I tried, so I could only tell myself that you’ve grown up, that you have your own lives now. That it’s all normal. Right?” He laughed at himself. “Only just to have things turn out like this. Who would’ve thought — my older son ended up liking my ‘younger son’. Even television dramas wouldn’t dare to do show something like this.” 

He nodded to himself and then mumbled to himself, “It’s fine, it’s better to know early on. It’s better than being kept in the dark. I tried so hard to plan for you guys, but I see there’s no need in the future. We won’t have to waste other girls’ time.” 

“If I say now that I can accept you guys, then I’d be lying. No one can accept their own children suddenly being together. Everyone around us knows that you’re brothers — everyone calls you the two sons of the Song family. Now that you’re together, if you walk outside holding hands, how awkward would it be? People would call you two brothers, and then how would you explain it? If you explain and then walk away, how would everyone talk about you behind your backs? These are all things you can’t hide from.”

They were not pleasant sounding words, but they were all said from the bottom of Song Jin’s heart.

“I’m old enough that I don’t care. If they want to say our family’s a mess, that all of this was from Xiao Rong and me, then I have no choice but to accept it. But you guys still have such long lives ahead of you…” He then sunk once again into a long, long silence, as though he’d lost all of his strength.

When he opened his mouth again, each word that came out sounded like they’d been gouged and pulled out from his heart, bit by bit, by a dull knife.

“When you’re walking on the streets, people might call you disgusting. You might be laughed at. No one would care… no one would care how pure or how good your love is. Prejudiced people will look at you the same way they’d look at mentally ill people.”

“Song Jin, don’t talk anymore.” Lin Rong couldn’t keep listening anymore. She went to sit next to him, half leaning on him, and embraced him.

“I want to say it.” Song Jin took a deep breath, resolution in his voice. “You have to make sure they’re clear about what they’re doing. What I say now is nothing compared to what they have to face in the future. If they’re faced with it later on and then regret what they’ve done, thinking they can’t endure it, then this family will truly break apart.”

“I’ve already failed as a father. I don’t want you guys to later have unsuccessful lives.” Song Jin stood up from the sofa, the sight of his back utterly exhausted. The man who’d used to be able to carry Yue Zhishi as an toddler with one hand while carrying Song Yu as a child with another hand was now older — and yet he was sorrowfully pouring out the confusion and bewilderment he felt towards his two children, the uneasiness he felt towards their future.

Song Yu thought — he made his father age ten years over the span of one night.

“I can see that you guys already want to walk down this path until its dark end. Fine, your lives are your own. No matter how much we want to help you, no matter how much we want to lead you towards the bright, wide roads, we’ll just be wasting our time. Let’s just leave it.” 

His words finished, Song Jin went around the sofa. He didn’t look at Song Yu and didn’t look at Yue Zhishi, heading towards the entrance to the house.

Lin Rong turned around, anxiously calling out to him, “Song Jin, where are you going?”

He put on his coat, opened the door. The cold wind blew straight inside.

“I’m going to buy a pack of cigarettes. My heart’s scared. I’ll come back after I’ve had a smoke. If you guys want to head back to campus, go ahead. It’s up to you.” 

He took one step forward, then paused.

“Le Le.”

Yue Zhishi looked towards him.

“You…” He sighed. “When you thought about leaving, why didn’t you think about me and your Aunt Rong? We’ve raised you for so long, only for you to repay us by separating from our flesh and blood?”

Those words stabbed violently into Yue Zhishi’s heart.

“Forget it. Forget it.”

The door closed, the sound of it very soft.

Yue Zhishi remembered something Aunt Rong had said before. She’d said in the beginning, Uncle Song had smoked a ferocious amount due to the stress of his business. But later, when he’d brought Yue Zhishi home and learned he had asthma, he’d stubbornly fought his addiction and gave up smoking. He’d given it up for sixteen years.

It didn’t matter if Yue Zhishi was home or not — he hadn’t touched cigarettes even once.

Only the three of them were left in the house. Song Yu’s back was turned, and he couldn’t see his face clearly. Lin Rong had still yet to stop crying. Yue Zhishi was most unwilling to see her cry, and it was like his feet couldn’t be controlled at all as they walked towards Lin Rong.

When he stood in front of her, seeing her face covered with tears, Yue Zhishi painfully called out to her, begging her to not cry anymore.

“If you keep crying… your eyes’ll be swollen tomorrow.”

Lin Rong hid her face and shook her head weakly. After a few moments, she raised her head and looked at him. “Le Le, is there really no other way?” 

Yue Zhishi really wanted to give her a response as he looked into her eyes.

But it was as though he’d lost his voice; he couldn’t say a single word.

In the end, Lin Rong was still the one who gave up.

Her head was lowered, the sounds of her crying very soft, and she repeatedly asked again and again words such as ‘why did things turn out like this’ — perhaps she was asking Yue Zhishi or Song Yu, or perhaps she was asking herself. A long time later, when she finally believed everything that had happened was real, the tears slightly paused at last.

“It’s late now. You won’t be able to get back into your dorms if you head back now.” She sniffled, holding onto the sofa’s armrest as she stood up. She walked towards the staircase, and then she paused, turning back to her two children as she said, “Go clean up. Try to rest early.” 

As he heard the sounds of Lin Rong climbing up the stairs, every step seemed to land on Yue Zhishi’s heart.

Only he and Song Yu were left in the living room. Ever since Yue Zhishi had come back, standing in the entrance corridor, he’d only heard Song Yu say two sentences. He’d wordlessly stood there, accepting and taking in everything like a criminal silently awaiting his final judgment. 

Yue Zhishi headed towards him, and when he arrived in front of Song Yu, he didn’t quite dare to hold him. They stood in this home like two people nailed onto their crosses; they were both guilty, yet they had no way of touching each other. 

“Song Yu…”

Song Yu didn’t reach out and hold him either. He only lifted a hand, pulled off the fever plaster on his forehead and caressed him.

“Why didn’t you put on more clothes when you came out?” he merely asked.

Yue Zhishi remembered the pain he’d felt in his dreams. He thought — maybe he really had joined together with the person in front of him.

Even though they weren’t born from the same mother, they were like two trees with their roots and branches gnarled and intertwined together. Even if one of them were cut down, he could still keep living within the other’s veins and roots.

“Go clean up.” Song Yu stroked his head. “You need to sleep earlier to get better faster.”

It didn’t matter how unwilling Yue Zhishi was, he still yielded to Song Yu’s decision and went upstairs by himself, entering his own room. In the dark room, Yue Zhishi leaned against his door, silent. He was a bit dizzy from his low fever, and in the maze of his thoughts, he prayed for Song Jin to no longer feel scared after his smoke; he prayed for Lin Rong to no longer cry for them. He also prayed for Song Yu to finally unload the heavy burden within his heart.

Nights were always extraordinarily hard to endure. They were like an aimless, swaying long shot in a film; people would always feel unsettled when watching and want to put an end to it — yet he didn’t have the ability to do so.

As he laid in bed, Yue Zhishi suddenly wondered: could this be one of his nightmares?

He used many different ways to determine if this moment was real, but his heavy flu lowered his consciousness and made it hard to think.

Abruptly, he heard a knock on the door. He even thought he imagined it, but then in the next second, Lin Rong came in.

“Aunt Rong…”

She placed the warm cup of water in her hands onto Yue Zhishi’s bedside table and also placed down the flu tablets in her hand.

“Sleep after you take some meds.” Her eyes were lowered, not looking at Yue Zhishi, and the sound of her voice was also so soft, so light.

Yue Zhishi’s heart burned, and his nose unceasingly stung; he struggled to nod, and then he lifted up the water and tablets. He didn’t say anything, only very obediently swallowing down the medicine.

Lin Rong sat on the side on the bed, her hands clenching the blanket without her realising. She held back from moving, from talking, until Yue Zhishi couldn’t hold back anymore and hugged her — only then could she no longer endure.

“You little white-eyed wolf, I love you so much and yet you were thinking of leaving me?” She was clearly saying such harsh words, but she had started crying again, her tears falling onto Yue Zhishi’s shoulders. She smacked him very lightly, like a young girl complaining about his lack of feelings. “What’s the point of me having your money if you’re not with me? Why didn’t you think about what I would do if I fell sick by myself at home? Who would go to the hospital with me? Who would help me with the restaurant when I’m too busy?” 

“I did think about it, I…” Yue Zhishi squeezed her tightly, tears also flowing down his face. “I thought about it before, I would secretly come and see you, would secretly look into Yanghe Qizhe from the doors…” 

“Heartless, you’re so heartless. I treated you as my baby, as my treasure.” Lin Rong couldn’t keep speaking through her tears; she could only shake her head on Yue Zhishi’s shoulder. She let Yue Zhishi soothe her, coaxing her until she truly stopped crying, and then moved her head up. She touched the soaked patch on Yue Zhishi’s shoulder and took a deep breath — she gazed at Yue Zhishi’s face for a very long moment, as though he really was going to disappear one day.

When she’d finally looked enough and prepared to leave, taking away the cup as she did so, she saw the group photo of their family while on an outing on the mantle of Yue Zhishi’s bed. She stroked it, and then finally stood up, walking towards the door.

Opening the door to leave, she couldn’t stop herself from turning back. In a choked voice, she said to Yue Zhishi —

“Go sleep with your brother. I’m worried he won’t be able to sleep tonight.”

The author has something to say:

[1010 (draft 11)]

To Yue Zhishi’s future lover:

Hello, I’m very glad to meet you. I’m Yue Zhishi’s older brother. You must be very curious about why you’d receive a letter like this. Don’t be nervous, this is just something I’ve prepared ahead of time. The past me wasn’t familiar with him, and so the first time I met him, I almost committed a grave mistake. In order to prevent something like that from happening to you, I decided to write down this ‘Manual to Dating Yue Zhishi’ and inform you ahead of time about some things you might need to know.

Firstly, Yue Zhishi suffers from a severe wheat allergy. He can’t eat anything with wheat. I hope you can keep an eye on him. I’m really sorry to trouble you, but when you eat together with him, you might also need to have some dietary restrictions. His allergy symptoms are extremely severe. In mild cases, he’ll get rashes and diarrhoea. In severe cases, his asthma will flare up.

Which is why, if possible, I hope you can carry his medicine with you at all times. It’s a really small box; it won’t take up too much space. It’s just in case. Because other than his allergy, his asthma might flare up if he exercises too much, catches the flu or if his emotions are affected too much. If he doesn’t take his medicine, he might pass away within a few minutes. But most of the time, he would have his medicine with him. It would be great if you could be willing to learn how to give emergency first aid for asthma — if you need, I can teach you. It’s very simple and isn’t hard to learn.

Sometimes during stormy days, he might find it hard to fall asleep and might affect your sleep. But it’s only because he’s a bit afraid of thunder — it’s fine as long as there’s someone by his side.

The above lines are the things he’s allergic to and afraid of, but other than that, Yue Zhishi almost has no shortcomings. Since the two of you already love each other, I imagine there’s no need for me to talk about his strong points. He treats everyone extremely gently and warmly; I believe he would treat you even more so.

Even though his parents passed away a long time ago, he still grew up under the care of everyone in our family. About his original family, you don’t have to worry — Yue Zhishi has never harmed anyone. He has a gentle and kind heart. The world is so large, and yet he chose you. I believe you must also be someone extremely outstanding. 

May the two of you be happy for a very long time.

Yue Zhishi’s older brother, Song Yu.

Saved in the summer four years ago.

(Don’t cry anymore, things will slowly recover and then get better, Zhichu doesn’t write BE)