CH 93

Chapter 93: Soundless Devotion

Yue Zhishi wasn’t in the greatest condition. After the doctor checked him over, he believed that other than the fever, Yue Zhishi’s asthma had been mainly triggered by depression and anxiety.

“He can’t get so emotional. He’s been ill for so many years, you guys should know this by now.” As he completed Yue Zhishi’s medical notes, the doctor said to Song Jin and Lin Rong, “His nails were still blue from cyanosis when he arrived, it must’ve been a severe attack. As his parents, you should care more for your child’s psychological health. When it comes to an illness like asthma, having a healthy mind is sometimes even more important than having a healthy body.” 

The two of them continuously nodded. At hearing the word ‘depression’, Lin Rong’s heart squeezed with pain — no matter how hard she imagined it, she couldn’t link Yue Zhishi together with that word.

Yue Zhishi stayed in the hospital, and Lin Rong didn’t open her restaurant over those next few days. She stayed with him every day and almost never went home; she slept on the small pull out bed in his room at night. Whenever Song Yu came by to switch shifts with her, she would rush him back to campus to finish his graduation thesis.

It was as though they’d returned back to the past, Yue Zhishi more than familiar with these scenes. Lin Rong would chat to him while steadily slicing up fruit: apples and pears were turned into bunnies, pineapples into small fans, and even pomelos were peeled. She’d fill up a plate of fruit and then place it in front of Yue Zhishi with a tiny fork.

Because Lin Rong had been with him, he hadn’t hated living in the hospital as a child. He’d only disliked the smell of it.

Lin Rong used to watch anime together with Yue Zhishi in his hospital room, but Yue Zhishi had liked watching shounen series. Lin Rong had kept picking at the emotional storylines, occasionally asking him, this guy and this girl are a couple, right? Do they like each other?

And as a child, Yue Zhishi had replied very solemnly, they don’t have the time to date, they need to get stronger.

The current Yue Zhishi more often than not would watch television dramas with Lin Rong. She’d gasp and sigh in appreciation like a young girl whenever she saw something exciting, and then she’d say to Yue Zhishi, your Uncle Song’s not so flirty and showy, but he’s still very gentle. 

For the few days he stayed in the hospital, an idol drama just so happened to be broadcasting. They’d often watch in his room, snacking. 

When the male lead manufactured a surprise for the female lead, Lin Rong bit a sweet potato fry in half and then held onto the remainder as she asked Yue Zhishi, her eyes focused on the television —

“Is your brother romantic?” 

She asked that question as naturally as though she was complaining about Uncle Song.

But Yue Zhishi froze; they’d cracked open their hearts and had spoken about many things over the last two days, but they’d very tacitly evaded away from the details of Yue Zhishi and Song Yu’s relationship. Yue Zhishi had been scared of hurting Lin Rong.

He didn’t expect Lin Rong to suddenly ask about it, and even thought he’d misheard.

Seeing there was no response from Yue Zhishi, Lin Rong turned her face around and looked at him, the words I knew it written over her face. “He’s not very good at dating, is he?”

Yue Zhishi’s face was somewhat burning, and he started to stammer, “Ah, I… gege, he…”

Lin Rong chuckled. “Look at how scared you are. Does he bully you? If he does, you have to tell me.” 

“No, no.” Yue Zhishi was so flustered he almost flipped over the plate of fruit on his blanket. He hurriedly caught hold of it, and then he explained to Lin Rong, ears hot, “Gege’s really good, he’s particularly tender and really romantic…”

“Are you sure?” Lin Rong looked extremely curious. “I can’t tell at all!”

It was as though Yue Zhishi had received a bit of encouragement when he saw the look on her face, and he hunted for evidence that could convince Lin Rong. “It’s true, gege’s really romantic. He’ll always bring me back a small gift every time he goes out for field work.”

“Does he?” Lin Rong nodded. “Worthy of being my son. What kind of presents has he given you?” 

“Stones.” Yue Zhishi then added, “Very expensive stones.” 

Lin Rong chortled, finding the whole thing even funnier when she saw Yue Zhishi’s clueless face. “Darling, only you. Anyone else wouldn’t find Song Yu romantic.” 

Yue Zhishi quickly blinked a few times, doing his best to argue. “Aunt Rong, the stones he’s given me really are super pretty. He found them himself, I’ll bring them back for you to see next time. He’s also given me sunflowers, and every time I need him, he’s always by my side.”

“I think instead of finding stones, he’s found a treasure.” Lin Rong finished the second half of her fry. “Well, to be more precise, his dad found one for him.” 

An ad started to play on the television. Lin Rong was about to change the channel when she heard Yue Zhishi say, “And there won’t be anyone else like gege who’d write a letter like that…”

Lin Rong’s hand, holding the remote, paused, and her pain once again stung with pain. She was quiet for a few moments, and then she said, faintly smiling, “That’s true. Only someone who really loves you would do something like that. Especially someone like your brother, who hadn’t lacked anything since he was born — it would’ve been very difficult for him to truly want something. But once he did, it would’ve also been very hard for him to let go. He’s already done his best to restrain himself, I know…” 

She turned her face to him and stroked Yue Zhishi’s hair. “I must’ve really hurt you in the past when I kept talking about him finding a girlfriend.”

Yue Zhishi shook his head subconsciously, but Lin Rong wasn’t deceived.

“I wasn’t actually hoping for anything to happen, I just thought he was too lonely.” Lin Rong gave him a smile. “But now, I can relax.”

“But…” Yue Zhishi said with some difficulty, “We can’t get married, and we can’t have…”

Without waiting for him to finish, Lin Rong carelessly said, “Why can’t you get married? We can hold a wedding ceremony in Yanghe Qizhe’s courtyard. And a marriage certificate’s just a piece of paper, back then, your dad and I, ah no…” Her tongue slipped, and so she quickly corrected herself, “Your Uncle Song and I, we ran away and eloped. Your dad drove us to a small park, and it was just the three of us when we got married. He was our witness, and he recited a bunch of random things from a ridiculously wrinkled piece of paper. We even borrowed money from your dad to buy our wedding rings.”

Lin Rong lowered her head and chuckled. “Seriously, I feared nothing back then either, only knowing to run away with Song Jin. We wanted to register our marriage but didn’t have our household registration booklets, so Yue Yi just wrote us one. When we finally registered our marriage much later, it didn’t feel all that interesting — I preferred the one your dad wrote.”

As he listened to Lin Rong, Yue Zhishi felt like he could see those scenes. He was wistful, wanting to see how his father had looked like back then.

“So it’s not important.” Lin Rong returned back to their conversation. “Besides, I don’t want to take care of children anyway, I’ll become a grandma if you have kids. I don’t want to think about it.” She touched her own face. “I still feel very young. I don’t want to be a grandma.”

Yue Zhishi laughed at her words.

“But later, when your lives have settled down…” Lin Rong touched his arm. “You can adopt. There are too many pitiful children in this world. Adopting one can mean saving them.” 

Yue Zhishi dropped his eyes, complicated emotions in his heart. He’d imagined many different kinds of scenarios in the past about what would happen after coming clean to Song Yu’s parents and hadn’t expected many good ones; he had never imagined actually sitting here, listening to Lin Rong’s teasing and comforting — let alone listening to her as she helped them plan out the rest of their lives.

Placing the plate aside, he shifted over and affectionately leaned on Lin Rong’s shoulder. He hugged her, his movements filled with trust. Lin Rong returned his hug, the warm and gentle fragrance of her perfume wrapping around Yue Zhishi; she said to him, her voice full of love, “Be happy together with your brother. He really loves you and can’t be away from you. We know that now.” 

“We really love you too, so don’t think about leaving us anymore, okay?” 

Yue Zhishi nodded and said, okay. After a very long time, he said through a block in his throat, “Aunt Rong, I can’t be away from you either. I really love you and Uncle, too.”

It was always hard to talk about love between family. 

On one hand, it felt too serious; on the other hand, it felt too dramatic. It felt like life should be a bit more down to earth, like the steady footsteps continuously moving forward and landing firmly on the ground. But threaded throughout the three meals in a day, the four seasons in a year — echoes of love were etched into each and every passing moment. 

Song Yu come over towards nightfall, and since Lin Rong needed to head back to take Cotton Candy and Orange to a physical examination, they changed shifts.

There was no one else in the single hospital room. Song Yu came in with a bouquet of flowers, closing the door very lightly, and saw Yue Zhishi sitting on the bed with his earbuds in and completing his coursework on his laptop. The aircon in the room was turned to a very warm temperature, and his wan, slender neck peeked out from his baggy hospital gown. His brown hair, now grown out to his chin, was half tied up behind his head with only wisps of soft hair falling onto his face

He was typing softly, and his lips were pursed up as he concentrated — he looked so adorable.

Pulling out a white avalanche rose, Song Yu threw it onto the bed. It fell right into Yue Zhishi’s arms, and he stared in a bit of confusion at the flower that’d suddenly appeared. Yue Zhishi picked it up and turned to look at the door, puzzled; he only then saw Song Yu, who was wearing a plaid coat with no glasses, a gentle curl to his lips and a large bouquet of white flowers in his hand.

Yue Zhishi tilted his head and gave him a smile. “You look like you’re about to go to a wedding.” 

Song Yu walked over to him and gave Yue Zhishi the flowers. As though he was explaining something, he said, “Only these few flowers looked nice in the shop. I just bought them randomly.” 

Except they didn’t look random at all. Light-coloured gauze was wrapped around snow white roses, cream Persian buttercups, freesias and baby’s-breaths —  it looked so much like a wedding bouquet, and it very much matched the white coloured hospital room. Yue Zhishi really liked it, and so he reached out to stroke Song Yu’s wrist, only to have his own hand caught.

His head lowered, Song Yu delicately rubbed a finger over the bruise on the back of Yue Zhishi’s hand from the IV needle, and then he interlocked their fingers together.

“I have good news and even better news. Which one would you like to hear?”

“The good one,” Yue Zhishi said without a single bit of hesitation. “The even better one should come last.”

Holding his hand, Song Yu said, “I don’t need to push back my graduation anymore. Professor Zhang promised to not block me from graduating because of personal matters and will let me proceed as usual. I also don’t need to work in his research group anymore, I’ve officially moved into Professor He’s group.”

Yue Zhishi was so happy he threw his arms around Song Yu and then clutched his arms. “That’s fantastic! I’ve been so worried about your graduation. Now everything’s going to be fine, and you won’t have to change your thesis topic either.” But he was still a bit doubtful. “Why did Professor Zhang suddenly change his mind?”

“Zhang Siyun helped.” Song Yu smoothed a hand down Yue Zhishi’s back. “She found him so despicable after hearing Old Zhang was pressuring me with my graduation, so she threatened him by saying she was going to go back to the United States. She also took back her right to date and marry whoever she wants.” 

Yue Zhishi let out a soft ‘wow’, admiration in his voice. “What a woman.”

“And she found someone new to date at the speed of light.” Song Yu gave a simple description. “An overseas student from Spain.”  

Yue Zhishi said ‘wow’ again, his eyes brightening, only to have Song Yu brusquely say, “What are you so excited about?” 

“I’m not excited.”

“Your eyes are glowing.” Song Yu raised an eyebrow.

Yue Zhishi leaned onto his body and then softly explained to him in a voice still slightly clogged up from the flu, “I was just curious about what he looked like…”

“Not as good-looking as you, so don’t bother.” Song Yu took the flowers he’d given him and put them onto the table before tugging up Yue Zhishi’s blanket.

“And the other piece of news?” Yue Zhishi hadn’t forgotten, and he grabbed Song Yu’s sleeve. “The even better one.”

Song Yu also pushed his hand underneath the blanket. The twilight colours of early winter filtered through the glass window and turned Yue Zhishi’s skin almost transparent. The fine, downy hair on his face was faintly visible, while his pair of light brown eyes was like amber, bright and clear.

“Dad took me yesterday to clean Uncle Yue’s tombstone.” 

He may have called it a tombstone, but in reality it was only a cenotaph, an empty tomb. Song Jin had placed Yue Yi and his wife’s tombstones next to the Yue parents who’d passed away much earlier. Worried Yue Zhishi would be distressed, they’d taken him there very rarely, but the Song couple visited at least twice a year and would tell them of any good news. The tombstones were like tree holes, never replying.

Yue Zhishi softly hummed, and so Song Yu continued, “Dad told Uncle and Auntie about us.”

As a father, Song Jin had represented his own son and apologised to his two deceased friends; he’d also given them a promise, saying he would watch over Song Yu and would make sure Song Yu loved and protected Yue Zhishi well. 

“Dad even reminded Uncle Yue,” Song Yu relayed, “saying that when Olivia was pregnant, Uncle Yue had even joked about doing a childhood betrothal between you and me if you ended up as a girl, that having me as a son-in-law would’ve definitely been something fantastic for him. Dad said to Uncle Yue that perhaps some things hadn’t turned out the way they’d expected, but Xiao Yu was now even more outstanding compared to when he was younger — and he hoped Uncle Yue could accept me.”

Yue Zhishi’s eyes started to burn as he listened, but he also found it slightly funny. “I can’t believe you can say stuff like that with a straight face. You even complimented yourself without finding it embarrassing.” 

“I’m just passing along what Dad said, I didn’t add anything extra.” Song Yu squeezed his hand. “Do you know what I was thinking when Dad was saying that?” 

“What?” Yue Zhishi gazed at him.

“When you were still in your mom’s stomach, you were already engaged to me.” 

Yue Zhishi said somewhat self-consciously, “You’re making things up now. Uncle was talking about child betrothal.” 

Song Yu arched his eyebrows indifferently. “Same thing. In any case, you were already mine when you were just an embryo.”

The words of ‘shamelessly boasting’ suited Song Yu all too well, Yue Zhishi thought.

“I’m starting to think you called this news as ‘even better’ simply just to praise yourself and exaggerate.”

Song Yu shook his head and also pinched Yue Zhishi’s hand. “No. Since Dad was willing to take me there, that means he’s already accepted us and hopes Uncle and Auntie can accept us too. He said, even though there’s no way to control how other people look at us, at least we can have the blessings of our parents.”

As he spoke, hints of pain appeared on Song Yu’s face. “He even said, after watching your clothing competition last time, he and Mom went home that night and watched Brokeback Mountain. Both of them were so hurt, especially when they later learned about us — they kept thinking of the final scenes of the movie.” 

And then, he touched the back of Yue Zhishi’s hand with his lips, his kiss landing on the same spot as that broken vein. “We’re very lucky.”

Yue Zhishi nodded.

Underneath dense and heavy clouds, they’d pulled out unsteady, unreliable sweetness in advance, expecting the arrival of the storm — only to have ended up waiting for a shower of fine rain, the moisture falling as mutely as their parents’ soundless devotion.

What Song Yu didn’t say was, in front of Yue Yi and Olivia’s tombs, he’d selfishly changed the way he called them — he’d silently called them mom and dad. 

And because of how much he’d liked the idea of a childhood betrothal, he’d specifically chosen a bouquet that looked like wedding flowers.

He had later felt very absurd after doing all those things, and he wasn’t willing to let Yue Zhishi know — so along with many other small things sealed away, he locked them and placed them to rest in his quiet heart.

The day Yue Zhishi left the hospital, the weather was spectacular. Jiang Yufan brought over a hot red bean milk tea.

“Eh? Didn’t Shen Mi say he was coming too?” Yue Zhishi poked a straw in and drank a large mouthful.

“Ha, he’s currently being pestered by that journalism guy.” Jiang Yufan shivered from the cold. “The one who was in the competition with you — soft skin, baby face, short.”

Yue Zhishi’s eyes shot wide open. “Xu Lin? With Shen Mi??” 

“Yep. I think he watched a basketball game where Shen Mi played especially well, and then he started to look for Shen Mi every day. It’s fine if he was just looking for him, but he’s so haughty, he really knows how to pull out excuses. One moment he’ll have printed out a bunch of news surveys for Shen Mi to answer, and then the next moment he’ll come and ask Shen Mi to do some volunteer work. He comes around every day.”

Yue Zhishi could imagine it, and he couldn’t help but laugh.

“Do you think Xu Lin likes Shen Mi?” Jiang Yufan rubbed a hand over his newly cut hair.

A bit surprised, Yue Zhishi asked, “You… You can tell?”

“My girlfriend said it, she even said they match pretty well.” Jiang Yufan giggled. “I just think they’re really funny, they have a love-hate relationship. It’ll be so rowdy if they really get together.” 

Jiang Yufan spoke easily, as relaxed as when he’d heard Yue Zhishi explain his vision for his final closing show outfit. He’d only encouraged him without thinking, saying he was amazing, and hadn’t questioned him further.

Yue Zhishi suddenly realised: all of the people around him were particularly tolerant.

Perhaps after the heavens had snatched away his father whom everyone had loved, they had tried to desperately make it up to him — using this.

And even though gifts couldn’t be used to offset the gap in his life, they each had their own joy and beauty.

Once he returned back to school, Yue Zhishi’s days weren’t too different from before. He was busy studying every day, and he would even occasionally bump into Xu Lin during general education classes as he clung around Shen Mi, the name ‘Mixed Sweetheart’ still falling from his mouth.

But what was different from before was that he and Song Yu now went home every weekend. Time and love healed everything, and the small pieces of awkwardness that had existed between everyone after they’d just come out were gradually smoothened out. The changing of identities didn’t bring in a sense of distance — rather, it meshed them together even tighter. Lin Rong even thought she’d obtained a magical weapon to face Song Yu’s ridicule: Yue Zhishi.

“Much more useful than Song Jin,” Lin Rong said with utter delight as she hugged Yue Zhishi in her arms.

But Yue Zhishi’s heart was still pounding slightly from nervousness. To be honest, he was actually still very afraid of Song Yu.

Christmas was rapidly arriving, and they’d ordered a massive Christmas tree this year as well as too many decorations. The tree had yet to arrive, so they could only temporarily pause the plan of decorating it with everyone.

There was still a very important basketball game before the holidays. Song Jin really wanted to watch it, so he adopted a roundabout tactic and said, “Xiao Rong, didn’t you say you were searching for photo albums this afternoon? Let’s look at them together, we haven’t gone through them in years.”

Lin Rong immediately stood up. “That’s right, I found one.” Running to the storage room, she grabbed an extremely thick, extremely large old album and sat next to Song Yu and Le Le on the rug. Song Yu was playing games on his phone and so didn’t really look at it, but it caught Yue Zhishi’s attention. He’d originally had his chin on Song Yu’s shoulder as he watched him game, but as soon as Lin Rong sat down, he turned around to face her.

“Wow, I was too funny as a kid. My hair was so curly.” 

Song Yu glanced over, the corners of his mouth unconsciously curving up in amusement. 

“You were super cute back then, I was always surrounded whenever I took you out.” Focused on showing Yue Zhishi photos, Lin Rong was no longer watching the television, as expected — Song Jin turned on the livestream to the basketball game in satisfaction, occasionally looking over at the album and providing a few comments.

“Look at this!” As though he found a treasure, Yue Zhishi hefted up the album in front of Song Yu and patted his shoulder to ask him to look. “Gege, look, you as a kid!”

Hearing Lin Rong’s uncontrollable laughter, Song Yu knew it wouldn’t be anything good. He threw a glance over in curiosity and only just managed to not roll his eyes.

“How boring.”

“What’s boring? You were so cute, that was my favourite lipstick.” Lin Rong sighed with emotion. “Your brother was cuter as a child, wasn’t he, Le Le? You could put makeup on him.”

Yue Zhishi kept looking at that photo with a young Song Yu wearing lipstick and blue eyeshadow; the more he looked at it, the more he found Song Yu adorable.

“I don’t think you should laugh at me.” Song Yu stared at his phone, his character in the game using a magnifying glass from up high to search for enemies. He mildly said, “I don’t know how many times you were forced into a dress as a child.” 

“Dress??” Yue Zhishi was shocked.

Song Yu swiftly downed one enemy, coolly letting out a ‘mn’. “She dressed you up as a little princess, the type of princess where Disney would send over a letter from their lawyers if they saw.” 

What kind of description was that, Yue Zhishi silently scoffed.

Lin Rong was focused on something else. “What do you mean, forced? Le Le cooperated with me so nicely, he was super happy to wear a dress. He didn’t even make a fuss when I was putting wigs on him, and he also really enjoyed wearing shiny lipgloss.” 

A complicated look was all over Yue Zhishi’s face. “Really….”

“That’s right.” Lin Rong copied the way he’d spoken as a child as she said, “You even asked me, Auntie Rong Rong, am I pretty?” 

Song Yu flicked an eyebrow.

Yue Zhishi didn’t believe them, flipping through the photos. “But there aren’t any photos here, are you guys sure you’re remembering correctly?”

Lin Rong said, “There’s one missing from the albums at home. I’ve looked for it before, but I still haven’t found it — I don’t know where it’s gone even though it should be at home.”

The safe area in Song Yu’s game had now shrunk to its smallest, entering its final moments.

“Xiao Yu, have you seen it? There’s still one more album, and it has photos of Le Le wearing princess dresses.” 

“I have it.” Song Yu was fighting fiercely, and the words slipped out before without him realising.

“You have it? When’d you take it, why didn’t I know?” 

The matched ended, Song Yu showing Yue Zhishi the celebratory screen of chicken dinner. Cotton Candy jumped into Song Yu’s lap with a small toy in his mouth, and he was a bit confused at what was happening. “What?”

“Why do you have Le Le’s photo album?” 

Song Yu fell silent. Cotton Candy kept leaping up towards his face, wanting to lick him, so Song Yu also covered away Cotton Candy’s mouth.

Yue Zhishi had entirely no idea; he hugged Song Yu’s arm and softly asked him, you really have it? Song Yu didn’t speak, his face turning a bit stiff.

“Good shot——” Song Jin yelled at the screen, before he abruptly realised the room was extraordinarily quiet. Peeking over somewhat guiltily, he continued watching his game uneasily.

“Ah, I know,” Lin Rong deliberately teased. “Your brother must’ve taken it away because he missed you.”

Song Yu didn’t want to admit it, so he intentionally said, “I used it to hold down instant noodle cup lids.”

“Really?” Lin Rong gave him a smile, gesturing in the air with her arms. “The album was thiiiiiiis big. It would’ve fit just nicely in your suitcase. I think even if you used it to hold down the lids for a Manchurian feast, it would’ve been more than enough.”

Yue Zhishi was laughing so hard he collapsed onto Lin Rong’s shoulders, but he was hauled back up.

Seeing Yue Zhishi’s beautiful laughing eyes, Song Yu pinched his cheeks in a bout of revenge. He shook him, and then he focused on those lips, glistening as though they’d actually been covered by a layer of clear gloss. There was a hint of threat in his voice as he said —

“Is that so funny? Little princess.”