Chapter 68 - Not What's Happening

ETAN

She jerked back, her face wide with shock. He watched a dozen emotions chase each other across her features as they stared at each other for a count of five.

Then his heart died, because that light in her eyes went out.

"I'm sorry, you're right," she said in a low, shaking voice. She looked down at herself and her cheeks flushed red. She hurriedly yanked the sides of her leathers closed over her chest and began fighting with those buttons again, but her fingers were trembling.

"Ayleth," he said on a sigh.

"I'm sorry if I... I just… I've missed you and… it was hard to…"

"Ayleth," he said softly, reaching for her hands, but she whirled away and turned her back, busying herself with her leathers.

"No, you're right. I was… out of control. I just… I've never felt these things before. They are, overwhelming," and her voice cracked.

Etan closed his eyes.

He could hear her struggling with the buttons and he cursed himself for yelling, for embarrassing her. "It isn't just you, Ayleth," he whispered.

"I'll be fine. I'm just… it will just take a moment." But her breath caught on a sob and he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her, dropping his chin to her shoulder. She fought him half-heartedly, but when he kissed her hair and whispered in her ear, she stopped.

"Our day will come, my love," he murmured, sliding his fingers between hers on her stomach, holding her shaking hands in his, trying to give her his certainty. "And when it does, it will be glorious. I wish it was today. I wish it was now. I really, really do. But it isn't. We can't."

"I know."

He nodded and rested his chin to her shoulder. "I adore you," he kissed her cheek. "You are the most beautiful and passionate woman I have ever met, and I thank God for you every day. I would do anything to protect you, Ayleth, even deny myself… this."

"Deny me, you mean," she grumbled and sniffed, but he could hear the smile in her voice, and he kissed her cheek again.

"Yes, even you."

He turned her around and forced himself not to look down where her leathers were still open and her chest still rising and falling quickly. He kept his eyes on hers—which were wide, and blue, and tear filled, but she faced him boldly. He stroked her cheek, then dropped his hands to help her with the leathers.

"When our time comes, Ayleth, there will be no stopping. I won't let you leave the bed for days. I imagine you will beg me to let you go."

"Do you promise?" she sniffed.

"I vow to you." He'd managed to get the lower buttons aligned and through the leather, so as she finished them he took her face in his hands and kissed her—not open and heated. But short and sweet, a slow slide of his lips over hers.

Then he pulled back far enough to meet her gaze and she stared into his eyes.

She cleared her throat and her eyes looked afraid. "My mother said if you want a man more than he wants you there is something unnatural in him."

"This isn't a lack of wanting, my love."

She dropped her gaze to his chest and he sucked in when her fingers trailed down his still bare stomach. "Do you promise me? You would tell me if you were… not interested?"

"I would tell you, but Ayleth, that's not what is happening here. I swear."

She nods. "Okay."

"Ayleth—"

"I believe you, Etan."

They stared at each other for a long minute and something in his stomach went tense. Because even though she smiled, and even though she leaned in to briefly kiss him before beginning to walk back to the trail, there was a shadow in her gaze that he'd never seen before.

And he knew he'd put it there.

He almost let her go—what could he change after all? And they needed to get back before someone suspected and came looking for them. But the slump of her shoulders and the sad way she shook out her hair—the hair that he'd managed to yank out of its braid—it pushed him forward to gently take her elbow and turn her around to face him.

Keeping her chin down, she stared at him warily through her lashes, but he pulled her close and combed his fingers through her hair, pulling it back off her face. "I handled that poorly," he said.

She nodded. "But apparently so did I. It's just… I have need, Etan. I've never felt that way before. It's like there's a hole inside me and only you can fill it."

He almost choked on her innocence, her earnestness to say such and thing and never hear the double meaning in the words. She was a pure heart and a beautiful one, and he had to be so, so careful.

He took a deep breath. "That fire in you, Ayleth, I have it too. And it's very difficult to deny. It… it drives me. Maddens me. I am trying so hard to do the right thing, to give us the very best chance. Forgive me for… giving in. In my frustration—because I want what you want, and I feel that it would be such a mistake to take it—I hurt you. I'm sorry."

She nodded again. "I'll always forgive you, Etan," she whispered.

He pulled her into an embrace, his chin on her head, her arms around his waist. "We will find a way, Ayleth, to be together for more than a stolen moment. I don't know how. But we will find it."

"I would very much like that," she said into his chest, sounding like she might cry again.

So, he didn't step back. He continued to hold her, to squeeze her into him, and ignore the beating pulse in his body to do more. To take more.

It was enough, just to hold her.

It had to be enough. For now.